Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Queenofknickers. Her grandmother committed suicide

Yeah my school turned a blind eye to bullying, people passing round razor blades, girls cutting half-inch-deep wounds using bread knives, and bizarre eating and prescription medication habits, but let it affect the smooth running of the school or your grades and you were out. They didn't want me back from the psychiatric hospital but they were happy for my parents to keep paying the fees to the end of the term.

It was me. My grandmother committed suicide due to untreated manic depression.

Was it? I'm sorry. I must have for confused.

I think it might have been both of us.

It's shit. All of it is total shit.

I'm sorry about your grandma.

Thanks. Good old genetically-inheritable bipolar disorder.

At least if I'm diagnosed with it I have an ironclad reason to tell my parents to leave me the fuck alone about reproducing. There's no way I'm creating another generation of this shit.

Shouldn't have said that.

So self-absorbed. Fuckwit. Sorry. Forgot this was a parenting site for a moment and there were likely to be bipolar people with children reading and now I've said something extremely offensive.

I find being gay gets you very conveniently out of the whole expectation around reproduction. Thankfully my sister had enough children for both of us.

Sadly being bisexual and in an opposite-sex relationship I get no such benefits. But hey, at least I get to be invisible

I'm not usually on for romanticising mental illness, especially my one (consultant was keen to impress upon me that it was the disease of creative and intelligent people - not entirely true, it has no respect whatsoever and will inflict itself upon utter dullards - before rattling off a list of famous people who had all KILLED THEMSELVES. Comforting) BUT we'd be so much poorer in so many ways if we had evolved our way out of it. I think there is an argument for some of the advantages it confers, and during the filming of Stephen Fry's documentary everyone was asked if they would press the magic button to get rid of it and only one said yes (I have known her for years). I certainly wouldn't press the button. How about you MP?

I have never been able to decide if I would push the button or not. It's done untold damage to my life but at the same time it's part of the person that I am.

it's impossible isn't it

I can't clearly separate what might be my temperament or personality from the condition, and I enjoy far too much pleasure and focus and energy to risk what might be a far less colourful existence

but am saying that from position of only having one super serious bad long depressive episode (obviously have shorter bouts here and there that seem bad enough and almost kill me!)

thank god there is no such button

I have impulse control issues and could easily do something I'd regret for the rest of my grey joyless life

Thank god someone else understands the lack of impulse control. I'm easily the most impulsive person I know, for good or bad. It produces some spectacularly bad behaviour and some very interesting purchases.

oh please share interesting purchases!

Mainly overpriced luxury goods. While high as a kite I bought two very, very expensive cars. I go on amazon frenzies. I buy things for other people too I once bought one of every diptyque candle in liberty. A lot of people got candles for Christmas that year.

I don't miss, AT ALL (well not much) having the means or the access to credit that I once enjoyed pre-diagnosis. Yet I do still enjoy my impulsivity, the sort of hedonistic drive that does make me poor technically but that I really wouldn't want to live without.

DP and I had one of our biggest arguments ever after the car thing. I regret that one. Having said that we're both still driving the cars as the showrooms wouldn't take them back. My bank are now aware of my diagnosis and alert me if there's unusual activity on my cards.

Hm. This sounds nothing like me. The most I've bought recently is seven pairs of shoes and lots of different coloured hoodies.

I'd raise an eyebrow at seven pairs of shoes!

And I needed shoes because I only had two or three wearable pairs before.

Mostly cheap shoes - canvas ones in different colours.