Bollockybollockybollocky HTT

[EnpoTree]

Basically I have to take bloody diazepam three times a day and be visited by HTT every day and even then the nurse reckons it's 50/50 if I'll need to go into hospital or not. This has gone too far. I'm absobloodylutely sodding fine and visited the drop-in as I was worried I was going to become not-fine and wanted to know how to stop DP worrying unnecessarily after having spoken to CMHT as I was referred from GP as I wanted to avoid becoming depressed and how to maintain my current good humour and general sparkling and effervescent nature. The lesson apparently being that being responsible and proactive with your mental health gets you accused of poor insight and told to take drugs on pain of hospital admission.

She's really fucking scared me. I will not go into hospital. So to avoid it I have to swallow pills that make me slow and stupid and sleepy even though I am totally happy with the way I am now and it's everyone else who doesn't like it. Maybe its everyone else who needs bloody medicating.

I hate this so much. I know its a bad idea to get involved in MH services. So why do I ever go back?

Still, I was rude, and that's unacceptable, no natter how thick-skinned the victim I must remember that no-one one here is related in any way to anyone who is trying to poison me in real life

Just slept an hour.

The fuck?

I don't want to die.

Just jumping in to agree/say there's just no way of knowing how meds will affect you. Arirpiprazole was the most sedating medication I've ever taken. I was so out of it, I could hardly talk--yet I don't find Quetiapine sedating, nor have I gained weight. Go figure.

Hope you manage to get some rest, ET

Just feel stuck. Can't take any meds, apparently not allowed to access any talking therapy to manage my mood, can't talk to MH services about how I feel, have now been crying (for the first time in months) and sleeping during the day today, can't discuss what I want to do on here because of the new rules and terrified of the crash coming.

And now my mum has just rung having returned from holiday and I have to pretend to be normal. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck.

Got to stay up.

Aripiprazole works well for me, much better than Quetiapine. It was a big decision though.

I just achieved the performance of a lifetime listening to my mum telling me all about her amazing holiday of a lifetime for AN HOUR and I don't think she noticed anything. But at least it has reminded me why I have to live with whatever this is and try to push my mood up and keep it there rather than kill myself. I wish I didn't have a family.

Anyway! I worked out what was going on! The zopiclone was fucking with my delta sleep and reducing quantity and depth of delta sleep, reducing REM sleep and causing me to stay asleep much longer im order to compensate, hence what LOOKS like sleeping better but actually leaving ME feelig less rested on nine hours than I did on five, undrugged, while concurrently, the diazepam (or later the clonazepam) was disrupting my GABA receptors and causing activation dysfunction across my entire brain and body, explaining the dysphoria, low motivation, confusion, clumsiness, depression, and panic. Now I'm beginning to clear these neurotoxins out I am feeling SO MUCH FUCKING BETTER and thank iul for helping me to deal with this iatrogenic blip - I have learnt my lesson about psychiatric drugs (again! Why do I always forget) and will attempt to keep on a nice even keel without dropping low. Thanks guys!

DP is working with me on how to get me discharged as we were both under the impression that the CPN I initially saw was going to try and help me but all the HTT has done is give me drugs to attempt to make me crash which is EXACTLY the outcome I was trying to avoid in the first place. Thank fuck I have a supportive partner otherwise I would be drugged up on antipsychotics and who knows what else by now, suicidal and not able to do anything about it, instead of flying and sparkling through NORMALITY.

Thankyou all - as I told the HTT nurse in the phone tonight, I love people and people generally love me now when I'm undrugged and yet not depressed. All I wanted when I first visited the GP was advice as I know I am currently deling good and I am aware from my own history that after a long period of chronic depression, if I have a really good spell, there is a chance I can burn myself out enjoying feeling normal and end up crashing into a deep depression and since I know when it's going to happen that's the primary time when I feel suicidal and having done a lot of research lately I have two pretty effective methods to use (each more appropriate for different circumstances but both pretty lethal) and since I don't want to do that to my family I was requesting some preventative healthcare/psychotherapy/CBT to prevent needing to use these methods and killing myself, and possibly some phenelzine to have in in the event that I became low (or preferably ketamine, but I know that that isn't licensed yet).

Instead what I got was told to take neurotoxins and messed around by people who do not keep their promises and try to wind you up.

So the horrible benzo low is now gone and I feel normal and free. Thanks for all your support.

Psychiatrists are invested in there being this thing called "hypomania" which must be treated with antipsychotic and mood-stabilising drugs, just like real mania.

If they think I have hypomania then essentially as far as I can make out that means they think I have bipolar II or am pre-manic and have bipolar I. So basically the options are that psychiatrists think I have what the wikipedia article description suggest is a made-up drama llama disease invented to sell mood-stabilisers, or that I have actual insanity. Neither of which is an attractive proposition to me. And neither of which precludes their deciding that I have a comorbid personality disorder anyway (another problematic concept in my opinion) which has been suggested only because I was lied about as a teenager. But you never lose the label. So engaging with psychiatry can only have negative consequences for me. I wish I had any choices at all since I don't appear to have any possibility of being offered the chance to learn how to maintain my current mood without becoming depressed in the future. The only other choice is death and that's not fair on my family; I shouldn't have to make that choice and I know this kind of help will be expensive on the NHS BUT IM NOT EVEN BEING SIGNPOSTED TO PLACES WHERE I CAN OBTAIN THIS INFORMATION.

Oops, caps. Unintentional.

I wonder what the reasons behind the prevalence of so-called bipolar disorders could be politically.

Third try typing this post. I don't mean to imply that anyone diagnosed with bipolar ii is a drama llama. Just that a lot of what's written about the condition including the wikipedia page implies that people with this diagnosis are treated as such.

I wonder if my friend is calm enough yet that I can apologise for shouting at her while under the influence of the psychiatric drugs.

She's got my stuff

I have the actual insanity type so no offence caused here.

They're all shit aren't they? All types of madness. I think schizoaffextive disorder is the one I'd least like to have, or possibly one of the more disabling types of OCD.

If I'm honest I'd assumed everyone had stopped reading several posts ago when it became clear I was typing a lot. People stop listening to me talk after about ten minutes and stop reading my handwritten stuff after a few pages of A4 so I'd gone kind of uninhibited and had started talking about the kind of stuff I don't normally mention.

Does the insanity ever completely go into remission or is it always there?

It is shit and it has nearly cost me my career, my relationship and my financial security over the years.

I'm still reading because I'm worried about you.

The major psychotic insanity goes with good drugs and some time but the fear of the next time is always on my mind. Even in remission I struggle with higher and lower moods than most people experience but not so bad that it affects my day to day life.

Please don't be worried about me; I'm absolutely fine and have brushed off the benzos and am operating in a cleaner mental environment worth purer thoughtenergy and this supposed "hypomania" is simply my being able to make use of my intelligence (as I am aware that this is goig to sound awful and someone will no doubt decide I have narcissistic personality disorder but I'm actually extremely intelligent and can conceptualise things that people don't understand when I try to explain them to them) to communicate concepts at a speed with which most people are uncomfortable and which isn't possible when my brain is slowed by drugs and/or depression.