Aibu or is dh?

[Imsuchamess]

I have scizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I am psychotically depressed and very I'll.

I am trying my best to look after dc and this means when dh comes in I need a break. I either go to lie down or if I feel up to it visit a friend leaving dh with the dc.

I am unable to visit friends during the day while dh is working as I have three dc two with sn and in my current mind set it's just too stressful.

But visiting friends in the evening does lift my mood and make it easier to cope the next day with the cleaning and dc.

I struggle to do all the cleaning and I see to the kids needs but come 6 I just need a break from the kids and some time to myself so I either go read a book or go meet a friend.

Dh is unhappy cus I'm not doing family activities with him when he comes home. He says it's hard to be sympathetic to me when any spare time I spend lying in bed unless I get a text inviting me out.

I feel like in my current mind state I am not capable of sitting down and playing a video game with dh or watching tv with him and feel his happiness is not my responsibility.

But he says he has no sympathy for me because I can't be that I'll if I am able to visit friends. But he just doesn't understand that visiting friends without dc gives me a break.

I only visit two friends as they are the only ones who know enough about my illness and who I can spend the night crying too if I can't take being happy.

I just feel like I am struggling right now and need to put my needs before dh in order to get better and be able to care for the dc.

Hmm.

Your last post does show some unreasonableness on your DH's part. What sort of activity?
Most couples after a busy day of work and childcare just want to collapse in a heap and veg in front of the TV or read. Talking is often a bonus! So if he wants more than that, maybe he should go out once you're all asleep. Or is that impossible as you wouldn't wake to the children?

Maybe he needs to keep activities to the weekend?

Does your dh understand your illness? The effects of the medication? He needs to be the listener, the hugger. He maybe thinks activities would be good for you without understanding that is the last thing you need.

No they are different friends not the same ones I went out with when I was manic. When I'm manic I seem to shut out those close to me.

Aibu is a very very harsh place even for the 100% healthy and happy!

So for anyone with a serious psychological illness, such as you, it may be the wrong place, as you get horrible posts (as on page 1) telling you to "grow up".

It is vital that you look after yourself, yet it is also vital that you maintain a good relationship with your DH. Could you not find a balance?

Try to spend one evening a week with him? I can understand exactly how you feel, and it is not a great place to be, but your DH probably feels that you'd rather spend time with friends tha with him, which would hurt anyone's feelings.

Could friends come over to you? And DH? Could you try, occasionally, to have some sociable time with him?

Is there any way you can get child care? You need a break! Not a few hours here and there, but almost like a proper reboot of your life!

Get all the help you can afford and find.

I don't pretend to know anything about MH but could you find some way of reorganising this time somehow... perhaps one of these close friends would come and look after the kids from 6-7 so you and dh can spend time together (not necessarily going out, perhaps just in another part of the house)? Or could they have them for an hour or so before dh gets home so you are a bit rested then and can all spend time together as a family?

Do you have a Surestart centre near you? Could you or your DH check if you are getting all the support you are entitled to? I don't know if you fall into the criteria where your 2 year old could get free nursery hours? If not, when will they turn 3?

The older ones will be back in school shortly and if you can access any support with the the younger one then that might give you enough breathing space during the day that you can cope with giving some time to your DH in the evening.

That's a interesting idea hoohah thank you!

If it was me, I think I would think that you didn't see me as a friend IYSWIM. That would make me very sad. However, with three children and those meds, you really don't have a lot else to give. It's hard. I don't suppose you can get any respite time or any other support?

When I was psychotic, I couldn't look after my dd. Am a single mum. My friends looked after her. As I got better , went out a few times, told ny friend where I was going, she said be safe and let me carry on doing what I wanted to do. I can see it from that point of view. On the other hand, as soon as I was functioning, I took dd back and started to put my energies into being a Mum. I'm not saying you aren't doing that at all, but I dud find my energy limited and used it for dd.

I think you maybe need to meet him half way and suggest that you have a couple of evenings out to visit a friend. How about going for a walk on your own or a swim or something as soon as he gets in and then spending time together until you go to bed? I appreciate how you feel about wanting to be away from kids but I can also see his side too.

You've said you can't afford childcare, but as I pointed out upthread, you would be entitled to funding for the 2 yr old - it wouldn't cost you anything and would give you 5 x 3 hrs break or 3x5hours, or however you arrange it.
Speak to your HV and/or you local children's centre.
The older ones will be back at school in the next week.

Hi everyone,

Sorry to hear you're going through a bit of a tough time Imsuchamess

We're just going to move this to our mental health topic, as we think you'll get the best advice there.

i think some people are missing the point .it is shattering living with someone with mental health problems .its good you can look after children on your own .my hubby can do nothing just about because of memory problems .you feel like its having another child because you must cater for there emotional needs .at least my sons are teenagers although youngest autistic.then there is the constant worry of self harm .physcotic episodes .but you do need to go out together as a family .try sometimes to be normal even though life is anything but .

Life can be normal, though. It doesn't need to be a constant battle, it's all learning to adjust to the condition and illness. It's no good comparing one situation to another, as mental health issues effect every one differently. I went through a phase of being resentful because I thought it unfair that I don't have anyone to help out. But I don't, and that's the way things are. I'm surprised the op hasn't been offered any child care for the younger one. Talk yo your health visitor,op, there are schemes.

I wonder if it would be helpful to show your dh this thread? It sounds like he doesn't understand how you feel?

I find it draining spending time with dh as he is not happy to just sit and hug or just sit and talk. He says it's boring, my friends are happy to do that. Dh wants me to participate in a activity.

I do really sympathise with that, I know that sense of being so medicated and drained you just want to shut down. All the same, if you and your DH can find some sort of compromise it would probably be good for you both.

Taking up HooHa's excellent idea, could you consider starting with perhaps two nights a week doing something together with your DH, and on those days having some help during the day so you can conserve your energy?

I really hope you get this sorted out.