Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Aibu or is dh?

66 replies

Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 14:43

I have scizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I am psychotically depressed and very I'll.

I am trying my best to look after dc and this means when dh comes in I need a break. I either go to lie down or if I feel up to it visit a friend leaving dh with the dc.

I am unable to visit friends during the day while dh is working as I have three dc two with sn and in my current mind set it's just too stressful.

But visiting friends in the evening does lift my mood and make it easier to cope the next day with the cleaning and dc.

I struggle to do all the cleaning and I see to the kids needs but come 6 I just need a break from the kids and some time to myself so I either go read a book or go meet a friend.

Dh is unhappy cus I'm not doing family activities with him when he comes home. He says it's hard to be sympathetic to me when any spare time I spend lying in bed unless I get a text inviting me out.

I feel like in my current mind state I am not capable of sitting down and playing a video game with dh or watching tv with him and feel his happiness is not my responsibility.

But he says he has no sympathy for me because I can't be that I'll if I am able to visit friends. But he just doesn't understand that visiting friends without dc gives me a break.

I only visit two friends as they are the only ones who know enough about my illness and who I can spend the night crying too if I can't take being happy.

I just feel like I am struggling right now and need to put my needs before dh in order to get better and be able to care for the dc.

OP posts:
ghostisonthecanvas · 01/09/2014 15:14

I think you both need an honest talk. Perhaps it is time to reasses everything, schefiles, medication, available help? Probably sounds exhausting to you but maybe would make your DH feel more needed and useful? He wants your company I think.

ghostisonthecanvas · 01/09/2014 15:15

Schedules. Sorry.

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2014 15:15

If you separate, who will look after the DC?

gummygumdrops · 01/09/2014 15:16

i can understand his frustration to be honest. you are focused on you getting away from your daily routine of home and kids. you get to go out and try to regain some compusure and he doesnt.
he doesnt have 2 1/2 hours to himself does he? because with you on medication that makes you sleepy he cant go anywhere anyway.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 01/09/2014 15:17

Who said anything about separation? Tbh if you throw that suggestion at your DH it just sounds emotionally manipulative in a accept the status quo or I'll walk kind of thing. Realistically if you are struggling now how would being a single parent be easier?

ghostisonthecanvas · 01/09/2014 15:18

You are only out for 30 mins? That's not unreasonable. Again, talk it through with DH. Factor this time in. He probably thinks its more as he doesn't see you in the evenings. I know its medication but as said upthread, maybe time to reevaluate medicine too.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 01/09/2014 15:19

Another thought to help you get a break, could you join a gym with a crèche? I did this when I was struggling and used to put the dc's in the crèche for a couple of hours. Sometimes I used the gym and other times I sat with a book and a coffee.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 15:19

Sorry last post should have been 6- 7:30 I go out.

If I leave I will leave the dc with him as they will be better off there.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 01/09/2014 15:20

How old are the DC?

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 15:21

I am only just started on new meds as old ones didn't work so I am still dealing with side effects and getting used to them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 15:22

2 , 5 and 8. We were doing fine till six week holiday as older two were in school.

OP posts:
googoodolly · 01/09/2014 15:22

I can see both sides. I get you're ill and you need a lot rest/respite when you can get it, but your DH doesn't get that. He's pretty much "on call" the entire time he's at home because you're in bed asleep at half seven. Where's your time as a couple? He works all day, comes home, sees his children, and is then on call for any accidents, tantrums, etc.

I think you need to make some kind of effort to see your DC and DH together everyday. It's important to spend time as a family. Maybe all have dinner together, or spend time together after the DC's are in bed if you're not too wiped out. I understand you "need" your space, but from your DH's view, he needs to spend time with you too.

I do think it's quite selfish to escape every evening and leave him on his own, though. Maybe cut it down to 2-3 times a week.

AlpacaMyBags · 01/09/2014 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bearbehind · 01/09/2014 15:24

It does sound like you are being unreasonable. You are literally walking out of the door when your husband gets home or going to read a book then going to bed.

He might get time alone when you've gone to bed but I suspect that's not what he wants or needs.

You are going to have to reach some compromise if you want to continue your relationship- and if you do want to split up- how will you cope then?

ghostisonthecanvas · 01/09/2014 15:24

I think you need to go back to your gp. It seems that you think your family will be better without you. That is not the case. Please go back to the doc Flowers

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 15:27

He gets in at 5:15 we have dinner as a family. I hate putting him through this I do. All I ever wanted from life was a normal family.

OP posts:
AbbieHoffmansAfro · 01/09/2014 15:28

I feel like in my current mind state I am not capable of sitting down and playing a video game with dh or watching tv with him and feel his happiness is not my responsibility.

I guess I am being unreasonable but I just don't have the strength to give any more of myself to him than I already am. I will think about separation as this obviously isn't fair on him.

Not condemning you in any way, it sounds awfully hard.

I am a bit puzzled though. Why is interacting with your husband 'giving...more of myself than I already am' or being made responsible for his happiness??

I can certainly understand the need for some escapism, especially after a long day looking after children. But (apologies if I've got this wrong) it seems as though you see interaction with your husband in wholly negative terms. Why wouldn't spending some time with him be good for you both-talking about the day, hugging, listening etc. Is that not on offer? Is he asking because he misses you, wants to be with you or is there something else at work?

Because unless there is, having no meaningful interaction between you is not really sustainable for either of you.

WorraLiberty · 01/09/2014 15:30

Are the kids due back at school any day now?

Surely that will help?

mrssmith79 · 01/09/2014 15:33

A lot of posters seem to have glossed over the part where the op says she has schizoaffective disorder. I'm assuming it's been diagnosed by a professional. It's a very real and often very debilitating mental illness. Yes, illness. If it were two broken legs would it be fine to tell her she was being unreasonable by not compromising and doing a 'bit of walking'? Hmm

WeirdCatLady · 01/09/2014 15:34

I think you should consider putting your youngest in nursery during the day so you can have your alone time then. That way you can spend family time with your dh of an evening.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety so can relate to your struggle, but you are being a tad selfish, your dh has a right to happiness too you know.

ghostisonthecanvas · 01/09/2014 15:35

Maybe you need to hand over to your DH. Without leaving! Let him take over. Just for a while. We all want a normal family. Don't put a definition on normal, that's putting yourself under more stress. The ages of your kids...not easy. Can your DH get time of work to be home with you?

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 01/09/2014 15:44

I find it draining spending time with dh as he is not happy to just sit and hug or just sit and talk. He says it's boring, my friends are happy to do that. Dh wants me to participate in a activity. I am on 20mg olanzapine 2 mg clonazepam 800 mg sodium valproate and 200mg sertraline. Three of the above have sedative effects and they make me tired as the day wears on. So come 6 I just don't feel able to play a game or watch tv I lack the concentration.

The book I read is one I have read about a 100 times so requires very little mental exertion.

OP posts:
basgetti · 01/09/2014 15:45

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP. But I think your DH is right to be concerned. You recently posted about some quite reckless behaviour you have been partking in with your friends and how he is worried about it. He may not be communicating in the right way but he is right to be upset.

mrssmith79 · 01/09/2014 15:46

Those are some heavy duty meds! No the wonder you feel knocked for six Thanks

Katkins1 · 01/09/2014 15:52

Op, I have seen you on the other boards. How are you feeling? Bit better I hope? Just a quick question,: are the friends you see the same ones that you are with during your ill phases, and do you think they influence you negatively? ,I don't want to give too much away from your past posts, but have been following your story. I hope it's ok to say that.