Aibu or is dh?

[Imsuchamess]

I have scizoaffective disorder bipolar type. I am psychotically depressed and very I'll.

I am trying my best to look after dc and this means when dh comes in I need a break. I either go to lie down or if I feel up to it visit a friend leaving dh with the dc.

I am unable to visit friends during the day while dh is working as I have three dc two with sn and in my current mind set it's just too stressful.

But visiting friends in the evening does lift my mood and make it easier to cope the next day with the cleaning and dc.

I struggle to do all the cleaning and I see to the kids needs but come 6 I just need a break from the kids and some time to myself so I either go read a book or go meet a friend.

Dh is unhappy cus I'm not doing family activities with him when he comes home. He says it's hard to be sympathetic to me when any spare time I spend lying in bed unless I get a text inviting me out.

I feel like in my current mind state I am not capable of sitting down and playing a video game with dh or watching tv with him and feel his happiness is not my responsibility.

But he says he has no sympathy for me because I can't be that I'll if I am able to visit friends. But he just doesn't understand that visiting friends without dc gives me a break.

I only visit two friends as they are the only ones who know enough about my illness and who I can spend the night crying too if I can't take being happy.

I just feel like I am struggling right now and need to put my needs before dh in order to get better and be able to care for the dc.

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

I find it draining spending time with dh as he is not happy to just sit and hug or just sit and talk. He says it's boring, my friends are happy to do that. Dh wants me to participate in a activity.

I do really sympathise with that, I know that sense of being so medicated and drained you just want to shut down. All the same, if you and your DH can find some sort of compromise it would probably be good for you both.

Taking up HooHa's excellent idea, could you consider starting with perhaps two nights a week doing something together with your DH, and on those days having some help during the day so you can conserve your energy?

I really hope you get this sorted out.

[ghostisonthecanvas]

I wonder if it would be helpful to show your dh this thread? It sounds like he doesn't understand how you feel?

[Katkins1]

Life can be normal, though. It doesn't need to be a constant battle, it's all learning to adjust to the condition and illness. It's no good comparing one situation to another, as mental health issues effect every one differently. I went through a phase of being resentful because I thought it unfair that I don't have anyone to help out. But I don't, and that's the way things are. I'm surprised the op hasn't been offered any child care for the younger one. Talk yo your health visitor,op, there are schemes.

[aprilanne]

i think some people are missing the point .it is shattering living with someone with mental health problems .its good you can look after children on your own .my hubby can do nothing just about because of memory problems .you feel like its having another child because you must cater for there emotional needs .at least my sons are teenagers although youngest autistic.then there is the constant worry of self harm .physcotic episodes .but you do need to go out together as a family .try sometimes to be normal even though life is anything but .

[KateSMumsnet]

Hi everyone,

Sorry to hear you're going through a bit of a tough time Imsuchamess

We're just going to move this to our mental health topic, as we think you'll get the best advice there.

[BackforGood]

You've said you can't afford childcare, but as I pointed out upthread, you would be entitled to funding for the 2 yr old - it wouldn't cost you anything and would give you 5 x 3 hrs break or 3x5hours, or however you arrange it.
Speak to your HV and/or you local children's centre.
The older ones will be back at school in the next week.

[cansu]

I think you maybe need to meet him half way and suggest that you have a couple of evenings out to visit a friend. How about going for a walk on your own or a swim or something as soon as he gets in and then spending time together until you go to bed? I appreciate how you feel about wanting to be away from kids but I can also see his side too.

[Katkins1]

When I was psychotic, I couldn't look after my dd. Am a single mum. My friends looked after her. As I got better , went out a few times, told ny friend where I was going, she said be safe and let me carry on doing what I wanted to do. I can see it from that point of view. On the other hand, as soon as I was functioning, I took dd back and started to put my energies into being a Mum. I'm not saying you aren't doing that at all, but I dud find my energy limited and used it for dd.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

If it was me, I think I would think that you didn't see me as a friend IYSWIM. That would make me very sad. However, with three children and those meds, you really don't have a lot else to give. It's hard. I don't suppose you can get any respite time or any other support?

[Imsuchamess]

That's a interesting idea hoohah thank you!

[ChazsBrilliantAttitude]

Do you have a Surestart centre near you? Could you or your DH check if you are getting all the support you are entitled to? I don't know if you fall into the criteria where your 2 year old could get free nursery hours? If not, when will they turn 3?

The older ones will be back in school shortly and if you can access any support with the the younger one then that might give you enough breathing space during the day that you can cope with giving some time to your DH in the evening.

[WhatAHooHa]

I don't pretend to know anything about MH but could you find some way of reorganising this time somehow... perhaps one of these close friends would come and look after the kids from 6-7 so you and dh can spend time together (not necessarily going out, perhaps just in another part of the house)? Or could they have them for an hour or so before dh gets home so you are a bit rested then and can all spend time together as a family?

[BravePotato]

Aibu is a very very harsh place even for the 100% healthy and happy!

So for anyone with a serious psychological illness, such as you, it may be the wrong place, as you get horrible posts (as on page 1) telling you to "grow up".

It is vital that you look after yourself, yet it is also vital that you maintain a good relationship with your DH. Could you not find a balance?

Try to spend one evening a week with him? I can understand exactly how you feel, and it is not a great place to be, but your DH probably feels that you'd rather spend time with friends tha with him, which would hurt anyone's feelings.

Could friends come over to you? And DH? Could you try, occasionally, to have some sociable time with him?

Is there any way you can get child care? You need a break! Not a few hours here and there, but almost like a proper reboot of your life!

Get all the help you can afford and find.

[Imsuchamess]

No they are different friends not the same ones I went out with when I was manic. When I'm manic I seem to shut out those close to me.

[ghostisonthecanvas]

Does your dh understand your illness? The effects of the medication? He needs to be the listener, the hugger. He maybe thinks activities would be good for you without understanding that is the last thing you need.

[Nanny0gg]

Hmm.

Your last post does show some unreasonableness on your DH's part. What sort of activity?
Most couples after a busy day of work and childcare just want to collapse in a heap and veg in front of the TV or read. Talking is often a bonus! So if he wants more than that, maybe he should go out once you're all asleep. Or is that impossible as you wouldn't wake to the children?

Maybe he needs to keep activities to the weekend?

[Katkins1]

Op, I have seen you on the other boards. How are you feeling? Bit better I hope? Just a quick question,: are the friends you see the same ones that you are with during your ill phases, and do you think they influence you negatively? ,I don't want to give too much away from your past posts, but have been following your story. I hope it's ok to say that.

[mrssmith79]

Those are some heavy duty meds! No the wonder you feel knocked for six

[basgetti]

I'm sorry for what you're going through OP. But I think your DH is right to be concerned. You recently posted about some quite reckless behaviour you have been partking in with your friends and how he is worried about it. He may not be communicating in the right way but he is right to be upset.

[Imsuchamess]

I find it draining spending time with dh as he is not happy to just sit and hug or just sit and talk. He says it's boring, my friends are happy to do that. Dh wants me to participate in a activity. I am on 20mg olanzapine 2 mg clonazepam 800 mg sodium valproate and 200mg sertraline. Three of the above have sedative effects and they make me tired as the day wears on. So come 6 I just don't feel able to play a game or watch tv I lack the concentration.

The book I read is one I have read about a 100 times so requires very little mental exertion.

[ghostisonthecanvas]

Maybe you need to hand over to your DH. Without leaving! Let him take over. Just for a while. We all want a normal family. Don't put a definition on normal, that's putting yourself under more stress. The ages of your kids...not easy. Can your DH get time of work to be home with you?

[WeirdCatLady]

I think you should consider putting your youngest in nursery during the day so you can have your alone time then. That way you can spend family time with your dh of an evening.
I've struggled with depression and anxiety so can relate to your struggle, but you are being a tad selfish, your dh has a right to happiness too you know.

[mrssmith79]

A lot of posters seem to have glossed over the part where the op says she has schizoaffective disorder. I'm assuming it's been diagnosed by a professional. It's a very real and often very debilitating mental illness. Yes, illness. If it were two broken legs would it be fine to tell her she was being unreasonable by not compromising and doing a 'bit of walking'?

[WorraLiberty]

Are the kids due back at school any day now?

Surely that will help?

[AbbieHoffmansAfro]

I feel like in my current mind state I am not capable of sitting down and playing a video game with dh or watching tv with him and feel his happiness is not my responsibility.

I guess I am being unreasonable but I just don't have the strength to give any more of myself to him than I already am. I will think about separation as this obviously isn't fair on him.

Not condemning you in any way, it sounds awfully hard.

I am a bit puzzled though. Why is interacting with your husband 'giving...more of myself than I already am' or being made responsible for his happiness??

I can certainly understand the need for some escapism, especially after a long day looking after children. But (apologies if I've got this wrong) it seems as though you see interaction with your husband in wholly negative terms. Why wouldn't spending some time with him be good for you both-talking about the day, hugging, listening etc. Is that not on offer? Is he asking because he misses you, wants to be with you or is there something else at work?

Because unless there is, having no meaningful interaction between you is not really sustainable for either of you.