Not coping with depressed DP... Don't think I can stand it much longer.

[CheeryCherry]

My DP has suffered on and off with stress, depression and panic attacks for the past two years. It is mainly due to his job and money worries - which we are trying to sort by selling the house. However he is not improving, he is managing to go to work most days but on weekends he refuses to get out of bed. I've had the most miserable summer holidays ever. The DCs are wonderful and are the only thing keeping me going. I have nobody to offload to - my mum is a carer for my dad and has enough on, my sister died and my brother has his own worries. I take the dog out, I try to stay bouyant....but it is too hard at the moment. I just feel so lonely.I've tried telling him how I feel and he says sorry but then recoils back to himself. I know it's a selfish illness but I feel unloved, uncared for and unappreciated. I try to be patient, let him talk, give him time and space, then sometimes get stroppy and make him get up. I don't know what else I can do. The Dr says just keep talking the tablets, and he went on a CBT type course but didn't put anything into practice. I'd rather he moved out I think as I'd feel less stressed myself. But he'd have nowhere to go - the mil is a nightmare herself. Sorry this is epic. How would you cope?

Personally I would give him an ultimatum that either he gets up and interacts in a positive way with the family whilst continuing treatment or he moves out. And I say that as someone that had the most severe form of pnd after the birth of my first child (was on 60mg anti depressants and very nearly hospitalised).

Yes it is an illness and he can't help feeling depressed but it is not fair to you or the rest of the family that he is making you feel so miserable either. It might be the jolt he needs to start looking after himself more - he owes it to you and the dc to really try everything to get better.

I think it depends on a lot of things. How you feel it's affecting you & those around you, how much effort you feel/see him making to get better & contribute, do you feel it's still worth it? Yes depression is an illness but that doesn't mean he gets carte blanche to behave selfishly & ignore the consequences to everyone around him. My DH suffers with MH issues similar to your DP by the sound of it, he had a near breakdown & lost his job due to ill health several years ago & hasn't worked since. For the first few months after his breakdown he was agoraphobic, stayed upstairs almost all the time, wouldn't answer the phone & the curtains had to remain closed. There have been times I could have screamed at him with frustration at his total lack of motivation to do anything. But he did, eventually, start to get better. He's starting University in 2 weeks & he's enormously improved, although still not absolutely better, probably never will be. I am certain that people can get better, if they want to and if they have the right support. But most of all, they have to want to.

Lego that must have been so hard for you both, how did you cope when he was at his lowest? I'm not sure what the 'right support' is...I muddle through. I keep the household running, work, keep the children on track and I'm their taxi (!), I feed him good food and drag him on the odd dog walk. But it's exhausting and I'm not sure how much more I can take. I'm so lonely and miserable, but of course put on a happy face for the world.

he doesnt have to live with his mum, he could rent somewhere instead
sympathies
i would look after my own mental health and perhaps this would mean a separation

We can't afford to rent anywhere, we are in debt now and not enough to pay the bills, that's why the house is for sale.

But yes I'm worried that I'm not coping, I don't want to end up on meds too if I can help it!

once the house is sold and debts paid, have you thought about how housing benefit might help, either as a couple or separately?
i know i would have been ok if i was renting, but not if i was a home owner. it cheered me up thinking of escape routes, even though i didnt actually use them

I'd not considered that actually, just assumed we would buy something smaller and ramble on. I know it is a waiting game, but sometimes I just run out of hope. Thanks.

I can understand why you'd feel so frustrated having to keep everything together, but in the case of clinical depression, being angry at someone lacking motivation or being exhausted is like being angry for someone having spots in chickenpox. Of course, ultimately, you need to look after your children's lives and happiness, and perhaps that's best that you separate. If you can access family therapy, you might be able to find a way through.

op doesnt say angry, i think that is a projection
she says

lonely
stressed
unloved

yes, also stroppy and makes him get up sometimes. is that so wrong? it doesnt equal 'angry' in my books anyway

I was referring more generally to earlier postsnot just the OPthat 'screaming' and getting 'stroppy' isn't going to change the symptoms of clinical depression.

All I know is that when severely depressed, I can barely moveis the OP's DH refusing to get out of bed, or is it the case that he can't get out of bed? Classifying depression as a 'selfish illness' pretty much misses the pointhence, the suggestion for family therapy.

I know this might come across as harsh to the OP--I can completely understand the frustration and ultimately, you've got to do whatever is best for DC's. However, the language used suggests that there's a good amount of misunderstanding about how depression affects people.

It seems that he is already taking medication--my first stop would be to push for either a medication review or a psychiatric referral.

I have been living through this and could have written your post myself.

Ultimately the thing that helped me was to get counselling for myself. My counsellor was amazing and I didn't need medication. After needing 2 months off due to the stress of dealing with a depressed husband I needex to do something to get myself back on track.

Depression is not really any different to any other illness in that your husband has to take responsibility for his own recovery. Does he need a change in medication or alternative therapy i.e. counselling or similar.

I know that you don't want to hear you may have to separate because I can tell that you have alot of love for your husband. Sadly though sometimes you have to get to rock bottom before you can start to recover and at the moment you are taking on board everything.

What would happen if you decided you couldn't get up...who looks after the children, feed the dog etc...

What I'm hearing is that you want to help him but don't know how. While I also hear that your husband isn't really doing anything to get better.

I think you have to take a step back from trying to fix him and use that energy on thinking about you. What do you need, because ultimately you cannot control his thoughts, actions or feelings only your own. You can say I see that you're struggling do you need any help...but that's all. While I am aware people will think I am being very harsh if your husband isn't doing anything to help himself then I don't see how you can continue in the marriage. Your children deserve a childhood not creeping around trying not to upset dad.

For what it's worth once I accepted that I couldn't really affect my dh's recovery and that I had to look to make myself happy. I felt better which lightened the mood in the house and actually helped my dh's depression improve. I actually feel amazing at the moment which only a couple of months would have seemed impossible.

dontrun sorry if I seemed flippant, I do realise depression is not as simple as I made out, but just highlighted that I feel it can be selfish illness - in that it sometimes doesn't allow you to think of others. I am not certain why he doesn't get out of bed - he can do if he needs to do something for the Dcs or we have an appoinment. He won't get up if there is no need.
gildedcage thank you for your kind post, and sorry you have been through it too. I do not want to get to the stage where I need time off work, and for much of the time I can cope. It is just so hard! I do appreciate what you say about considering my own mental health and happiness. I will work on that one. Thanks.

Cherry I got my counselling through my GP. As I said I have not had to be medicated to cope I was lucky that I had a great GP who could see that I needed some help. Just talking therapy was enough and it helped me feel less hopeless and realise that I'm not responsible for my dh's recovery.

Good luck to you both, I can tell you that you love your husband but it is so hard when you feel that there is no one there for you.

Hi Cherry hope you're feeling ok today. Sorry I didn't come back earlier, RL got busy! In answer to your question, basically I just tried to remember that DH was as much a victim of his MH issues & their consequences, as anyone else around him. I knew what he was like when he was well, so I tried to remember (and sometimes it was hard to keep it in mind) that he wasn't being that way naturally, it was because he was ill. I would no more get cross with him (nor did I scream at him), than I would, had it been a physical illness he was struggling with. I've suffered with depression myself, in the past, & know how important it is to feel unconditionally supported. It also helps some people to have something to work toward - for DH it has been wanting to provide for DD. He's been a SAHD since she was born (& excellent at it) but we'd like another child eventually & he knows how much I'd have liked not to have to go back to work while he stayed home.

Like Gilded, I too could have written your post. And I absolutely agree with everything she says. Self preservation first, I'm afraid. Else you just won't have anything left to assist anyone else.

Sorry I've been off MN so long - how rude not to reply sooner! Thank you all for your responses. I'm hoping that now schools have restarted we will be in a better routine. I'm ever hopeful! I just need to fill our weekends a bit more to encourage him to get up. Thanks for reminding me it is not his fault, im usually patient, just get overly frustrated at times...i guess it is out of our control to some extent and that is hard to deal with.

Several years down the line now, OP, but I can still remember the frustration and loneliness of being in a situation like this. As wives and mothers we want to 'fix' everything, but this is one that you can't fix. Try to find some time for yourself and try not to expect him to understand how you feel. He simply can't because his illness has taken over. It will get better and there will be a time when this is only a distant memory. Take comfort from those who have been where you are right now. It is so hard to understand if you haven't been there!

ladylinda thank you, it is good to hear that there may be an end to all this one day, you are right, I can't fathom a way to fix this, and that is frustrating itself. I wish I had a wand...or a fast-forward button! Thanks.

The other thing that you must try to avoid is trying to work out why it happened. I spent a lot of time doing that and just did my own head in! And you are right, there is no fast forward button. One day you will look back and realise that things are a bit better than they were, then it will stall for a bit, then improve another wee bit.... PM me if you want to chat

I can completely identify with the anger you feel. When my DH spent days days over the summer with severe depression I felt so angry I could have exploded. Real, proper raging anger. My OP is on AIBU, sorry I don't know how to link it but it might help you to have a read.
Its not the answer but it is how you feel and don't let anyone tell you you don't have the right to feel it.
You feel let down and unsupported and just wish he could get a grip. Its ok to feel like this.

You need support for you, and a light at the end of the tunnel. He must initiate proper help, get him to see GP and insist on a referral to the community mental health team.
My DH eventually did this and is now facing a diagnosis of Bipolar. Sounds scary but I can't tell you the relief for us both to finally get professional help. He is on the right drug and stable for now.
Have you got anyone you can talk to? You are doing amazingly well under terribly hard circumstances.

Please PM me if you want to let off steam.

I totally agree that anger is your natural response and you have a right to feel it, and I do sympathise. I wonder though if the anger would be quite the same if it were an obvious physical disorder? I'm not criticising at all there, just wondering - if not, why not? I wonder if there is anything to learn from this about perceptions of mental illness. Is it that you can't point to any obvious physical cause, or that mood and behaviour are seen as something we should be able to control?

I'd be genuinely interested to know OP and superspamiam, more details on the types of thoughts you have when angry. As someone who has MH issues it would be useful to hear about.

For me the anger would stem from resentment and the lack of emotional intimacy.

In response to the physical illness comment. For me, who has experience of dealing with a parent who had a life limiting illness I would say its the loss of closeness. Physical illness doesn't generally stop communication or emotional intimacy. I am also well aware that people who are very ill also usually have to deal with depression as a consequence of being so ill.

To be clear I have never outwardly showed any anger or resentment to my husband. That was part of my problem. Repressing feelings is massively unhealthy.

Speaking only for myself the effect of my husband's depression touched all of us. Our home became very muted which is why I vowed that I had to care for my own happiness first a foremost, my children deserve to have a joyous happy childhood.

Just to also say that anger is a natural human response and is part of a process that can be healing. Even if it were a physical illness there would be anger. This is natural and doesn't deminish the love and care that you have for your dh.