Not coping with depressed DP... Don't think I can stand it much longer.

[CheeryCherry]

My DP has suffered on and off with stress, depression and panic attacks for the past two years. It is mainly due to his job and money worries - which we are trying to sort by selling the house. However he is not improving, he is managing to go to work most days but on weekends he refuses to get out of bed. I've had the most miserable summer holidays ever. The DCs are wonderful and are the only thing keeping me going. I have nobody to offload to - my mum is a carer for my dad and has enough on, my sister died and my brother has his own worries. I take the dog out, I try to stay bouyant....but it is too hard at the moment. I just feel so lonely.I've tried telling him how I feel and he says sorry but then recoils back to himself. I know it's a selfish illness but I feel unloved, uncared for and unappreciated. I try to be patient, let him talk, give him time and space, then sometimes get stroppy and make him get up. I don't know what else I can do. The Dr says just keep talking the tablets, and he went on a CBT type course but didn't put anything into practice. I'd rather he moved out I think as I'd feel less stressed myself. But he'd have nowhere to go - the mil is a nightmare herself. Sorry this is epic. How would you cope?

I have found this thread very helpful - my DH is also suffering from depression. This has turned our lives upside down for the past 18 months. I can relate to much of what you say OP and gilded cage! The complete (and for me overnight) emotional detachment is the hardest thing to bear I think. In my case my DH also decided that if he felt like that it must mean that he never loved me etc (we have been very happily together nearly 15 years and have 2 DC). It's hard not to feel angry in that situation even though you rationally know that it's the illness talking. I do think that there is also anger when dealing with physical illnesses, or any huge change in life, whether someone is at fault or not. It's a normal human emotion and as long as it doesn't colour how you treat the sufferer there shouldn't be any shame in feeling it.

Blue not to hijack the threat, but my husband also said he didn't know if he loved me. It is a hard position to be in but it feels less impossible when you hear others have been through the same and got through the other side.

My husband suffers from depression and has been on anti depressants for two years. When he gets bad, as now, he tells me that I am the trigger for his depression because I am cold towards him, and critical. We have been together twenty years and have teenagers. He has a very difficult relationship with his parents and a difficult high paying professional job. I struggle to be his only support when I am cast as the cause of the problem.

So sorry I haven't been on MN for ages, and I thank you for your replies. SO sad to hear that so many of you are in the same situation.
I am interested in the bipolar diagnosis, I have wondered that myself.
Blue I agree, it is harder to cope with than with a physical illness (unless terminal obviously) - I have dealt with that type of illness and the person still has the same personality and you have the same relationship, even if they have a broken leg or suchlike. With depression, you don't know where you stand from one day to the next, never knowing how they will be, how you need to act, and yes, they are not the same person, you lose closeness and intimacy as they are so wrapped up in themselves. This is not a criticism in any way, just my observations, and I don't get angry with him, just so sad and frustrated and hurt.
George that must be horrific to deal with, and such a character/relationship assassination... I hope you get to discuss this during his stable times to underline that this is not really how he feels.
I actually feel a little better today as he had to get up this morning because we had someone coming to view the house. Tomorrow may be another battle as he doesn't have to get up...but he has said he will get up before lunch and come for a walk...but he's said that before! I do not look forward to weekends any more but I need to take each day as it comes.
to all of you who are suffering and have suffered.

superspamiam I hope your DP continues to improve, I may mention bipolar to my DH for when he next sees the dr. Yes it would be awful to be diagnosed with that, but at least the treatment could be modified and hopefully give better results.
temporaryusername I'm sorry you are suffering, I hope you are getting help?
I don't necessarily feel angry so much, it is more frustated, anxious, upset. I try not to show anger, but he has seen me in tears over it all, the lack of progress I guess hasn't helped.
I'm not sure if that answers your question.

That is interesting gilded, about the communication and emotional intimacy. Thank you for sharing for your experience.

Thank you CheeryCherry , sorry I didn't see your reply before as I posted mine without noticing a page 2 was there . I am on meds and have a cpn, and am on a list for further help. So yes, I am trying and getting some support. I feel really bad about the effect of my illness on my family and my DP, but then I've had physical problems too and felt bad about that also.

I'm very sorry for the loss of your sister.

I hope tomorrow is a good day for you all and that the viewing went well. You should check out this picture as a reminder of what the estate agent might have had to photograph if your DP hadn't managed to get up...

terriblerealestateagentphotos.com/post/95385357936

Not funny I know, but the rest of the site might give you a laugh. DP sent me an email with a link to the pig picture from that blog which was on the bbc news site, saying he'd found something he thought I might find funny. Or he meant too...he actually clicked the wrong thing and sent me a news story about a double murder...I was as to why that was amusing..

To, not too .

Temporary I hope that I have not made you feel guilty. I feel that one of the worse effects of the illness is that you push away the people who want to love and care. One of the best ways I have to accept and continue is to take a day at a time...and if you have a bad day that doesn't mean that tomorrow won't be better. I wish you well...I would post flowers but I'm on my phone and don't know how :)

Cherry I hope that the viewing went well. Trying to sell your house is stressful as it is.

This will sound harsh but the OP's partner can get out of bed for work. so the analogy with physical illness doesn't really work. You don't have a broken leg for two days out of seven but manage to walk on it on the others. So I can see how then it feels to you OP that he can make a supreme effort for some things but not for you. That must be hard.

Just joining in here as I have also been through it with DP. I'd say it's not something you can understand unless you are living with it. The change (overnight) from someone who loves you, listens to you, is reasonable, is kind to you, wants to have sex with you, cares about how you feel and wants / tries to make you happy......to living with a selfish, cold, irritable, detached zombie....is very lonely.

He has been ill for almost a year now and he has completely shut me out. I try really hard to help him and look after him but sometime he won't listen (for example to see a counsellor).

He talks to me sometimes, but it's all about him and what he is going through and I feel completely alone. I really miss my DP, I cry all the time from missing talking to him or seeing his smiling face. It's like invasion of the body snatchers.

Before this all came along, he was a really loving guy, very empathetic and supportive and I miss that. Now he doesn't know if he loves me any more or not. Hearing him say that was the worst experience of my life.

It's not the same as a broken leg or heart attack. It's a loss of the brain, the soul, the mind, the memories, the feelings. It's horrible.

I know how you feel OP exactly. It's so hurtful and just so lonely and you have no idea what to do. You keep trying but you feel like the enemy and all you want is just to see your old DP and get a hug and be told it will be okay.

My DP talks now about leaving me. He thinks the love is gone.

hi grace, I'm really conscious that this is not my thread but I wanted to reach out to you because I have been where you are and I totally understand your pain.

Please please get some help for you. And while I know that you don't want to hear it you may have to let him get to rock bottom. Believe me I was there, crying numerous times every day. Op do you think that there should be a support thread for this. There are so many of us x

Sorry it read a bit there like a thread hijack, I as trying to let the OP know I sympathise. A support thread would be a great idea... personally would love to hear in detail from other going through the same or have been where I am.

Holding your hand, too.CheeryCherry. Understand the lonlieness and frustration only too well. We were where you are now several years ago and it is only a memory now. At the time it seems that it will never get better, but certainly in our case it has. Be kind to yourself, you have not caused this illness. Neither, unfortunately , can you fix it though and that is the hardest thing to get your head around.

Hi grace I hope I didn't come across as if you were hijacking...I'm just really conscious that I've been really vocal on this thread already. As Linda has just said things will become easier once you reach acceptance the you didn't cause this and don't have control over it.

oh no GildedCage, just when you responded to me I felt a bit guilty. That's my new emotion! Guilt! :) I will start that support thread, it would be great to hear anyone and everyone's experiences with this. Especially those positive stories. I hope the OP is doing okay...it's such a lonely life.

Sorry, also don't want to hijack the OP's thread, but couldn't read and run. Grace, I feel like I could have written your post. It's such a surreal (and horrendous) experience and while I am just so sorry you are also going through it, knowing someone else is going through the same awfulness does make it a little less lonely. The only reason my DH didn't walk out on us when he was at his lowest was because I was 8 months pregnant. He told me he didn't love me/ had never loved me/ I had caused his depression due to my negativity (!!!). A month before (and for the decade before that) and I would have said he was the kindest, funniest, most adoring and laid back partner I could have wished for. You're so right it is like the invasion of the body snatchers

How are you doing CheeryCherry? X

Grace and Gilded, please keep posting, it isn't a private post, I like you all commenting. It is just so sad there are so many of us struggling with similar situations. We have had a better day as he got up at 10 and we went for a long dog walk - huge progress and I allowed myself to be happy and tell him so. I guess I'm lucky that he hasn't told me he doesn't love me, he says the opposite... but I don't feel it. Hope your day was ok too ladies, sorry things are so tough.

Blueseahore, word for word the same for me, only difference I was not pregant and it was apparently my "worrying" which caused his depression :( He too was the kindest, loveliest most laid back human being before this.

OP I hope hearing that others have been in your shoes helps a little. I know for me hearing that makes me feel like it's not all in my head. I find no one in RL can understand what I say when I try and explain that he is "here" but also "gone".

I did start a thread for this....I hope maybe we can all support each other through this, maybe daily updates and a kind word from someone who understands.

Cross post there! CheeryCherry...I don't know about you, but if this is a relatively common side effect of depression.....I wonder why no one knows about it????!!!

Going for a walk is wonderful. I managed to get mine to do that every day and found that helps. There is a book Called "Undoing Depression" with some practical steps you can take to lessen depression and I try and encourage those for DP and they seem to help. I'd post it to you but I got the Kindle version. Very helpful though.

We had another talk today. He still says it is not the depression that is the problem, it is our relationship. He is sleeping a lot and won't countenance counselling or upping his meds. So I'm a bit stuck really.

George, just ask yourself "what about me?". Everything becomes about how your dh feels: does he love me, what's he thinking, how does he feel etc...nothing anywhere is about you.

I understand that you don't want to hear that you should let him leave...however you are not in control of this. You cannot alter his thoughts or feelings...you know that they aren't logical! You can only control your actions.

What I would say is disengage with love. You are being blown around by his feelings, try and find a quiet minute for you. Think only about you. How do you feel? What do you want? I'm not saying leave just that perhaps he has to leave to realise that he needs help. Please look for some counselling for you so you have an outlet. Its hard to speak with friends, obviously if someone tells you that they don't love you then its finished...we know it's not as simple as that. However if he is certain that the relationship is over you can't force the position, what I would say is that if he is certain that he isn't depressed perhaps you need to spell out exactly what being separate would look like for him.

Its a bit hidden this though isn't it. No one talks about mental illness and therefore its difficult to speak with friends and colleagues because no one appears to have any understanding. Still such a taboo subject which is wrong. Just this thread shows the amount of us with experience of this.

George, my DP seems to attach blame for his depression on everything external. Me, his job, where we live and he believes getting rid of / changing these things will get him out of depression. It's very hurtful. When they believe it is you / the relationship I think nothing will change their mind off this track :(

Gildedcage...I am so sick of his friends family saying "he seems fine". THEY DON'T LIVE WITH HIM!!! They don't see the man who used to jump out of bed every morning letting snooze go of 18 times every day. They don't see the man who used to feel me up every day when I was brushing my teeth now roll away from me every night. They don't see Mr Angry. Mr Cold. Mr Hopeless. Mr Negative. Mr Manipulative. Sometimes when the phone rings and he is talking to people I get so upset because he lies. He lies about how he is and it makes me even more alone in trying to cope with it.