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Mental health

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Original poster

I think I'm building up to a breakdown.

64 replies

MySpideySenseTickles · 02/08/2014 15:34

I feel that elsas song fits quite well.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know.

I just don't know how much longer I can conceal it all, The only thing hats kept me sane all these years is hiding all my feelings away but tey keep slipping to the surface, it's a cliche but it's like there's a big black dog in the corner and it's sucking the life out of me, I'm angry when I don't need to be and overreact to everything as soon as I'm alone I can't stop crying.

It feels like all the pain and hurt that I've buried over the years is swelling up like a bubble and soon it'll burst and then I don't know what will happen I can't afford to let people see that I'm suffering, I had depression a few years ago and Dh didn't want to know, he said I was too old to act like a stupid emo teenager said he would leave me if I didn't sort myself out and then refused to acknowledge it again, I had six months of anti depressants and then went cold turkey because I seemed better with them. Only this time I have a ds, he deserves better than me, I feel like a terrible mother most of the time and I know he'll resent me when he's older

I'm not asking for help I don't know why I thought this would help why I thought it would be a good idea to bare the black hole where my soul should be I suppose I just wanted it documented somewhere that my mind is broken, that I don't know quite how to function anymore.

OP posts:

ElPolloDiabolo · 02/08/2014 15:42

You're not a terrible mother, you sound very strong to me. How would you feel about going back to see the GP? Sod what your DH thinks, he sounds like an arse.

commonorgarden · 02/08/2014 15:46

There's only so much carpet to brush stuff under, isn't there.

I'm so sorry you feel so awful. I've posted here many times down the years (different nnms) and it's a good place to vent if rl feels empty of support.

I know someone will be along to give better advice/ support but I'm this way a bit at the mo.

Did posting relieve help at all?

commonorgarden · 02/08/2014 15:48

Sorry. Missed an 'or' in my final line.

MuscatBouschet · 02/08/2014 15:57

Write down how you are feeling on a piece of paper and go back to your GP. Anti-depressants might be worth trying again, but more importantly ask for some counselling sessions so that you can talk things through in RL.

Having a kid and having depression can be very lonely. DH's reaction sounds rubbish, but he wouldn't be the first to react this way.

So sorry you are in this position but remember that what you are feeling is pretty common and most people find a way out the other side. It'll take time though. Deep breath and hopefully more advice will come your way...

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 02/08/2014 18:39

I don't know what to say, thank you for listening. I don't know whether I should speak to Dh or not because he won't understand.

OP posts:

commonorgarden · 02/08/2014 19:37

Could you think about and decide what your next step might be and then tell him?

So as Muscat says, going to the GP. Explain that you'd like him to look after your DS while you go to the doctor because you've been feeling so awful. You don't have to go into details but it may indicate how awful you are feeling.

If I were you I'd tell your GP how unsupportive your DH is too. They need to know that you are coping with this on your own. (Apart from on here, obv).

Katkins1 · 02/08/2014 19:45

OP, I've just had a breakdown. I remeber posting when I was at the same point as you- I so wish I'd gone to the GP before it got too much. Please, please do go the GP and explain everything that you feel- it will help you in the long run. As the other posters said, explain what your DH said too. Sounds to me as though you could do with some support. Everyone is here for you.

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 02/08/2014 20:11

Thank you everyone, you've made me cry, not a difficult task at the moment though! I need help, this is different to depression I've had in the past I've never felt out of control like I do now, it's like I'm running away down a steep hill towards something terrible and I can't find the brakes.
I've tried to hide it all from ds as much as I can but he knows something is wrong, the only living thing that's seen me get upset is the cat, he's not quite 11 weeks and is fascinated by tears, although he bites them...

It's come to a head today and I've reached out because I got out of the car this morning and. Ds was asleep in his car seat, I thought "if I step into the road he'd not see and someone would find him and look after him quickly"
I don't want to leave him I need to get better and look after him better it's just an insurmountable mountain at the moment.

OP posts:

commonorgarden · 02/08/2014 20:29

We call it slipping down the hole, me and dh. It's been happening as long as he's known me.

You are the centre of your ds' world and the light of his life. Go to the gp for yourself but also for him. He sounds quite little; you have many years of enjoying him ahead of you.

I hope you are curled up somewhere comfy tonight.

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 02/08/2014 20:40

He's just turned three, I'm sat in his room watching him sleep, I'm going to go down and have a hotchocolate, watch crap on tv and try to do some crochet if the cat will let me Dh just dropped it on me that he's going to be working away again soon, another couple of weeks alone in the house with ds and no breaks.
I'm going to ask sil if she can take him for a day so I can nap and visit the dr.

OP posts:

commonorgarden · 02/08/2014 20:41

Sounds good to me.

40thisisit · 02/08/2014 20:44

It's not easy and I don't think this condition ever will be. From personal experience please try and talk about things and get what ever help you can. These things must no longer be seen as mental health stigmas.

40thisisit · 02/08/2014 20:47

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 03/08/2014 01:17

How can I tell "d"h how I'm feeling? He barely noticed I'm alive.
I thought earlier " he wouldn't notice I I sat naked" so I did, I stripped off and sat next to him on the sofa starkers, not a peep he barely noticed.

How can anyone seethe pain I'm in if no one even sees me? I'm not a real person at all im just a shell, I'm just here to cook and clean and provide glue and glitter.
I could hire a housekeeper and no one would ever notice I'd gone.

OP posts:

bluebell345 · 03/08/2014 08:16

sorry for your situation op :(, what I think is maybe you should continue taking your ad's.

commonorgarden · 03/08/2014 08:25

Yes they would notice if you weren't there. Your ds loves and needs you. You are worth more than you feel and are being made to feel at the moment.

Things with your dh don't sound good but YOU are the priority in that situation. Tell him how you feel. Write it down, talk to him, however you want to tell him. But don't expect him to get it if he hasn't already. Yes you deserve more support and I'm sorry to say he doesn't seem able to give it.

Find that last little bit of strength, that last little bit of grit and get yourself to a gp you like and trust ASAP. And when you get there, let it go. No holding back, tell them everything.

commonorgarden · 03/08/2014 08:29

It's depression that puts a weird invisibility cloak over you.

We've noticed and we care enough to respond.

So there! You've connected with all if the people who have responded on your thread. And we'll think about you today and wonder how you are.

Loveleopardprint · 03/08/2014 08:43

Dear OP I am so sorry you are feeling this way and totally understand your feeling if desperation. I too felt like this in the past. I would have 6/7 months on anti-depressants and then take myself off and spiral down a little lower each time. Eventually my GP sent me to a psychiatrist and she explained that 6 months is not long enough to stabilise everything and that I needed to stay on the tablets for longer so that then I was ready for counselling and normal life again. I was on them for 3 years and managed up come off them last year but I would go back on them tomorrow if I thought that I needed them again. I hope this makes sense. Go and see your GP. They can help.

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 03/08/2014 10:08

I've been off the anti ds for about eight years, I've been low level miserable since then with a few flareups of feeling awful which I've managed to smother but this feels different this isn't going away.

OP posts:

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 03/08/2014 10:09

What if the gp doesn't believe me? They'll just think I'm tryin to get drugs

OP posts:

HowardTJMoon · 03/08/2014 10:34

Those seeking drugs for nefarious purposes don't go for anti-depressants.

Show your GP what you've written here. Your GP will probably want you to do a short questionnaire about how you're feeling. Be honest. You will be believed.

Katkins1 · 03/08/2014 17:40

They will believe you, OP. Thinking that they won't is all part of the condition. The cruel thing about this condition is that your mind plays tricks on you, and turns in on itself.

commonorgarden · 03/08/2014 22:48

So gp in the morning op.

I'll be off to mine too if that makes you feel more like making an appointment. My anxiety's crippled me this week and I'm seriously considering not going on the annual family holiday on Friday.

I'm going because I know I'll be listened to. You'll not be the only one calling in tomorrow!

PinkSquash · 03/08/2014 22:53

You will be believed by the doctor, your DH seems unsupportive, do you have any other support nearby? I know you said SIL may help with DC for a day.

Original poster

MySpideySenseTickles · 03/08/2014 22:58

My family are NC, or dead I can't put this on sil or mil and I have no friends because the ages I should've been learning how to make friends my abuser wouldn't let me leave the house or speak to anyone.
Dh doesn't think I need to see the dr, I've told him what's going on, he just said I don't need to see the dr, he's off tomorrow but if I get an appointment that clashes with his plans he won't have ds, he's a dick sometimes but he's all I've got.

OP posts:

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