I think I'm building up to a breakdown.

[MySpideySenseTickles]

I feel that elsas song fits quite well.
Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, put on a show
Make one wrong move and everyone will know.

I just don't know how much longer I can conceal it all, The only thing hats kept me sane all these years is hiding all my feelings away but tey keep slipping to the surface, it's a cliche but it's like there's a big black dog in the corner and it's sucking the life out of me, I'm angry when I don't need to be and overreact to everything as soon as I'm alone I can't stop crying.

It feels like all the pain and hurt that I've buried over the years is swelling up like a bubble and soon it'll burst and then I don't know what will happen I can't afford to let people see that I'm suffering, I had depression a few years ago and Dh didn't want to know, he said I was too old to act like a stupid emo teenager said he would leave me if I didn't sort myself out and then refused to acknowledge it again, I had six months of anti depressants and then went cold turkey because I seemed better with them. Only this time I have a ds, he deserves better than me, I feel like a terrible mother most of the time and I know he'll resent me when he's older

I'm not asking for help I don't know why I thought this would help why I thought it would be a good idea to bare the black hole where my soul should be I suppose I just wanted it documented somewhere that my mind is broken, that I don't know quite how to function anymore.

You have us all supporting you, will you be able to take DS with you tomorrow if necessary? I'm sorry your H isn't more supportive of you.

I'm for bed now.

Please, please call in the morning. If your ds has to come too so be it. Better you go alone though.

You sound like a survivor op. Sleep as well as you are able. Tomorrow's another day x

That's my problem common I'm a survivor, there were so many times over the years I shouldn't have made it but did, ech time stripped away at my soul and now there's none left.
In my good times I used to think maybe the universe was keeping me going for some reason, like there was a reason I survived and that if I waited I'd find out some amazing talent or fate I had, but it's not materialised, apart from ds who's amazing I can't think of any reason I should've survived after age 8-9 other than the universe playing a cruel trick and trying to keep me going to see how long I'd go before I broke.
Well I'm done now, I can't pile anymore on, I can't cope with anymore now every single molecule of energy I have left is focused on keeping things normal when ds or anyone else is around as soon as I'm alone I sease to function, I'm currently abusing mumsnet by using you all as a distraction so I can focus enough to get ready fr bed, I'm emptying my brain so it lows down enough so I can get undressed then in going to get in bed and let go. Dh generally sleeps on the sofa these days so I've only got to force myself to function as a human till I can climb the stairs then I'm free.

I just read back through that (since ds has woken and I'm in his room settling him back to bed) I sound nuts, if I open my brain and let the words fall out if I say how I'm really feeling I sound nuts.
Maybe I am, maybe my brain is broken and I've finally cracked up, 17 years ago my mum tried to persuade the dr to section me and they refused maybe she wasn't just trying to get rid of me or be the mother of the poor nutty teen in the hospital (mum liked nothing better than if we were sick) maybe she saw something inside me, something rotten.

I'm sorry for the verbal diarrhoea tonight my brain feels full to the brim like it'll burst if I don't get the words out I might just scream and scream
I don't know what's happening I don't feel 100% connected to myself like I'm here but not quite here

Oh please please go and get help. That's how my psychosis started. If you find yourself talking too fast or feeling too hot, straight to a n e. This is reminding me so much of me please go and get help, tommorow.straight away. Explain it all.

Sorry didn't mean to scare you, it took weeks to take hold. But I was, like you, at a point where i could be spared it. I think that's where you harvest now, so do go and get help.

Have woken up a little confused in my bed, still fully clothed with my slippers on. Ds is sat on the end of my bed watching tv, I'm not sure when he came in but he seems happy enough.

So I've made my GP appointment.

Pick up the phone and call.

I've got an appointment today at 4:40, would it be weird if I just gave him this thread to read? If you asked me face to face how I was I'd just say "fine" even though I'm not.

Well done. Really, really well done. That's the first step over with.

No. Not weird at all to show it to him, especially if your DS is with you and you've got to keep an eye on him too, so you're not 100% concentrating on what you're saying iykwim.

You could print it out and highlight your bits so it's quicker for him to read.

I hope it's not odd to say I'm proud of you for calling. I'm sure the other posters will say the same - mainly because it looks as though we've all been in a similar place before and we know how hard it can be.

Well done on making the appointment and I think printing the thread is a good idea, you can customise your posts so they're visible if you haven't already.

Oh and I totally agree with common being proud, I too am proud of you, we all know how hard it is taking that step.

I haven't got a printer, I'm going to show him on my phone I've got it so my posts are pink so he can see them.

I told Dh how bad I felt last night, he's gone out for the day despite us having promised ds a picnic. I haven't even got the energy to be angry.

I've copied just my posts into a note so I can show him.

Prescription for fluoxetine and a referral to the mental health team for counselling and support, I showed her all my posts and it saved me going over it all again.

So good you went.

Dh seems to have accepte that I'm not well, now The dr has backed me up, he was convinced that it's all because I'm not happy with him, once I said "it's probably about my childhood" he decided he didn't want to hear any more, I think he's trying though, he gave me chocolates he found in the cupbourd (they were mine anyway but I suppose the thought was nice) he's coming to bed tonight too.
I don't know how long it'll last but there's a little chink of light in the darkness now it's out in the open. I still want to cry and scream 90% of the time and still feel like I'm slipping towards madness but there's a sliver of hope.

I'll go get my prescription in the morning and hopefully it'll help keep me a little more stable.

How's it going?

Apart from beng a bit floaty and woozy much the same, Dh had a tooth out today and wants sympathy, I have no sympathy left and i can't have any.
He's basically going along as normal but he's dropping "and cheer the fuck up" onto the end of all conversations.
Now mil knows she's texting me on the hour every hour about anything but the "how are you feeling have you cracked up up yet" that she's dying to ask and ds has been an utter nightmare today.
I know it'll get worse before it's better but couldn't I at least get a break?

Your MIL sounds like she cares in her own awkward way!

Don't talk about it getting worse before getting better. That first trip to the GP is incredibly hard to work up to doing. When I had a breakdown 10 years ago, nothing was ever as bad as the day of the first GP visit.

Your H doesn't sound ideal, but many many men are not ideal emotional companions in life! Just focus on yourself and your DS for now. You are already doing great. x

I can't cry, usually when I get in bed alone or spend time alone first thing I do is burst into tears because icocer up all the emotion and then release it all at once but I can't, I think I'm broken, no tears will come and I just feel numb.
Is it the fluoxetine? Has anyone else found this?

Fluoxetine can make you feel strangely numb, it is difficult to cry when on it.

I think it's great that you were brave enough to go to the doctor and tell your husband too. It is such a shame that he is isn't supporting you very well at the moment, but hopefully things will improve. Don't forget that it takes several weeks for the medication to start fully taking effect too, so don't be too hard on yourself if you don't instantly feel better. Hopefully you will be able to get some therapy and things will start to seem less difficult. I think one of the most important things will be trying to find a way you don't have to feel like everything has to always be bottled up - that's not good for anyone. As for feeling isolated, I know it's not the same as having people around you, but there are lots of people on here who have been through similar & can offer a sympathetic ear (so to speak).

You take care - and stop being so hard on yourself. Depression isn't a sign of weakness, if anything it's normally a sign of having to be strong for too long.

I agree about the friends irl thing. It's not the same to come on here of course-but you know we don't judge and we have been/are going through similar situations. So no surprised reactions!

Just focus on now.

Sorry to hear your ds was a little tike yesterday. One of mine went through such an, erm, challenging few years we sought psychological support. And as his psychologist said, they act up with you because they know you love them without condition.

I don't want to speak too soon but I feel calmer today, ds has been brilliant and I ventured out into the city centre alone with him for the whole day, I had to stifle panic on the tram when I was convinced it wouldn't go where we needed even though it's on tracks and can't go anywhere else! (I've never been on a tram alone before, I have a car and was using the park and ride for the first time)
I can't stop yawning though big massive yawns that make my eyes water, and I keep losing my train of thought or completely forgetting what I was doing it's like I'm spaced out half the time.
But I found yarn in a charity shop and bought loads and am going to try picking my hook back up.

I don't know if it's just because I've finally admitted what's wrong and have talked about it and have a plan in place to help fix it or maybe it was just a good day and I was due one??

Not going to argue though.