Just need to get it out... last night

[Katkins1]

Last night (well evening) I was getting ready to go out and freaked out a bit. I'd been hearing a voice all day, seeing giant spiders everywhere and just struggling in general. This is a new thing, have mental health issues, but never like this before. Just depression usually. The voice is like ny thoughts, but separate. He tells me all sorts of not very nice things, but most of the time, I can control it. Have heard it for three or four months now, but only just told some one these last few weeks (a friend and my doctor).I have 20 mg Prozac, bit it doesn't seem to be working much. Have been taking for three weeks. Last night, the voice was telling me it didn't like me, no one liked me and that I shouldn't tell any one what it was saying or it would make me suffer more. I told my friend, and it kept saying "what have you done?" And telling me that no one cared and so on.
My friend took me to the out of hours doctor, he was really dismissive and didn't believe me. My friend tried to get a referral for assessment, but he wasn't helpful. I left feeling as though I was making it all up. The voice thought it was great, that he had won and it was just me and him and he's untouchable. He started asking my friend questions when we were in the car;why was she helping me? So we had am odd conversation between me, him and her. It sounds weird written down. Anyway, I'm back at home now. In bed and daughter just woke up after a late night.She's watching TV. I've got a redecorating project to get on with over the weekend, but dint want to get up just yet. So tired and my arms really ache. Sorry, I just unneeded to say all of that.

You can always present at A and E if you feel unsafe katkins even if you have an appointment next week. You can tell them what you have posted here - not just the singing radiators but about walking in front of cars and how you are struggling to keep yourself safe.

Yeah, I do feel a lot safer today. Though I'm struggling to find out where my prescription is. I've phoned them and left a message as the nurse wasn't around.

Hi all. I'm with my friend tonight, have been here three nights and want to go really. I've been back between home and here; but not with my daughter on my own yet. My friend thinks it's a little too soon, as I've only really had one or two diapazem, and one was hers, so not even prescription. I'm a lot more with it, although I was talking too fast earlier, and had to have it pointed out to me. I'm still really shaky, although I was demanding to go home and then couldn't make my mind up! She says can tell I'm still unwell, and not sure she's talking to me all of the time. She thinks I might find it harder with the little one than I think, and should try a night on my own at first.I am thinking...because I'm still at the managing symptoms stage (and I keep saying recovery, but I'm not nearly close yet), is there any support I can access to help me with my Daughter? Haven't got home treatment plan or anything like that. No family nearby, just friends. And I live on my own. Used to be very independent. Absolutely devastating that now I'm not.

Katkins.

If you can I would consider staying with your friend. Starting any anti d can be rocky the first week or so. Stay where you have support.

Back in jan I had a breakdown with psychotic thoughts. I thought I wasn't real and that all this is a dream. I thought I was in hell and that I had already died. I was crippled with anxiety it was absolutely awful.

I had a crisis team and sertraline. I have been stable for the last three months on one hundred mg of it. It literally saved me and I hope it will do the same for you.

Stay with your friend. It's times like these that you really need your friends.

Katkins - yes there should be support to help you with your daughter. However, to get that you need to talk to dr and be very honest about your coping skills right now and say what help you need. They will know who to refer you to. Why not go back to the gp you saw on Monday and talk to them about not being able to look after yourself and your dd right now.

To get support you need your Gp to know how you are. Tell them honestly everything you have written in these posts. For help for being at home. A crisis team in mental health will not offer practical support in the house or with your dd, so it may be help outside of crisis teams or mental health that is required. But your gp will know what help is available in your area.

Do you still have access to a health visitor? (not sure what age they stop supporting families). Children's centres may be a place to go to and ask for help. My children's centre has staff that visit people in their homes - family support workers they are called and you can go to one and ask for a form to fill in for request for support. But also talk to them as forms may be too much right now.

Many people use family or friends when struggling but it is important to tell people you are a single parent with no supportive family.

I'm on the same as you, same dose too. My friend says I'm fairly unwell still, and we need to think what's best for me and little one. Last night, I had an out of body experience and was then convinced one of the giant spiders was on my chest. I was hyperventilating, my friend had to sit me up really slowly because she could see I was in trouble. I worry about something like that happening again when I'm alone, though the diapazem is calming me down.

Katkins I think it is vital that you stay with your friend to ensure that you and your LO is safe and I don't want this to sound harsh but I think you have to put your child's needs first and I don't think it will be good for her to be with you on your own while you are so unwell. You are right to worry about hallucinations when you are on your own - would be very scary for you and your LO.

Silverstars I'm not at all sure the GP will know where Katkins can get the sort of help she needs. I was a social worker for 30 years and we did used to place children with foster carers in these kind of situations IF the birthparent agreed, and I don't think Katkins would want that and in any event it is unlikely they would offer as there is a huge shortage of foster homes. I don't think a FSW is going to "fit the bill" here as I think until Katkins has proper medication and it has "kicked-in" she is going to need far more than a home visit - maybe when she is further on the road to recovery, but just now I really feel that the LO (who is only 6) needs to be kept safe and not be frightened by her mom's illness. Also Katkins needs someone to be with her at this stage too I think.

I thought that, nana. She comes first. What stopped me from getting help earlier when I first started getting I'll was the fear she'd be taken away. I'm a good Mum usually, I bring her up on my own and she's ace. Always put her first. But my illness is making me say and do really out of character things right now. Please don't think I'm a bad mum though. I didn't do it o. Purpose; when I was well, I looked after her well. Even though I had hallucinations, I still took her to school. That was when they were intermittent at the onset. Looking back, I should have got help then. I feel so guilty that I didn't. I do have friends who would take her, instead of foster care.

Oh Katkins of course I (or anyone else) won't think you are a bad mom. We all have mental health problems or we wouldn't be on the thread. I get intermittent depression and anxiety but can be severe and I am an emotional wreck at such times and can't be bothered with the cats! I am fortunate that my kids are all grown with their own families and I am a grandmother.

I didn't think you would want your little girl in foster care (and they're unlikely to offer it anyway) and try not to feel guilty about not getting help earlier. I waited 3 months in my second major episode of depression before seeing a GP - and I think mental illness makes us feel guilty or even ashamed, whereas we don't feel like that with physical illness. I think it's because of the stigma that's attached to mental illness and so many people don't understand it (well you can't until you've experienced it) or are scared of it.

Take care and get all the help you can with friends to stay with and look after your LO until you are well on the road to recovery.

Thank you. I didn't even know that I had them ; I waited 4 months. The psychosis was active for 3 weeks, during which time I was functioning. I was even working- then during the past 5 days I got into real trouble. I don't want her in foster care, no. I think you are right about the shame, and the trouble is that I thought my psychosis was depression, and it tricked me into thinking that what I was feeling/ thinking was normal.

The medication is working slowly- though today I have just managed to make pasta, and am working on getting in the bath. Because I want to take my DD, my friend said try being on my own, seeing how that works and then see how I feel. The side effects of the meds are nausea and fatigue; which is where I'm at right now, really.

katkins your friend is very wise and caring and I think you need to be guided by her for the time being. The trouble is with psychotic illness is that the sufferer doesn't really believe that they are ill, but thank goodness you got help when you did.

I'm really glad that you are slowing down because you were sounding very manic at the weekend, and that's the diazepam working I'm sure. Side effects are troublesome but usually clear up in a couple of weeks. Does your friend work, or is she at home with children. I think you need to take things a day at a time (sometimes an hour at a time!) and take your friend's advice - she sounds a very good friend. Nibbling cream cracker biscuits can help with the nausea sometimes.

Yes Nana I said to her today "never mind what I think, probably best to hear what you think." I had real trouble getting help- was turned away by one DR on Friday who didn't believe that I was experiencing psychosis; though my friend argued with him. I really didn't believe I was ill- kept saying I wasn't and it's very early days- its definitely the diapazem. She works, hasn't any children of her own.

Katkins the fact that you have such a good friend tells me something about you too... you're a lovely person and a good mom just going through a rough patch. I'm glad you realised you need help and that you are now getting it. Just take it easy and don't put any pressure on yourself.

She's taken little ons tonight. Picked her up from school, and will drop her off in the morning. Then I will pick her up tomorrow, and take her to another friends for tea. I'm still getting hallucinations to an extent, and whispering: still some spiders and a cat in the corner of my eye. I think it's still in a very active stage, just well contained with medication- which I might need to up the dose of because it wears off too quickly for my liking! Will visit the docs in the morning. Thank you all for your posts. This is my first experience of psychosis, and its really scary.

NanaNina where I live there are support workers funded through the sure start centre - not through social services. A gp is a usual point of referral for support. I only suggested this as the OP asked about support with her child as she is a single parent - otherwise I would not have mentioned it. Also I have a friend with a disabled child who gets respite care so her other children get time for their needs to be met. At no point was I suggesting social services and I feel your response to mine is not necessary - the OP is so ill she got immediate referral and is getting a quick diagnosis and has clearly stated things are not well and is aware she cannot care for her dd alone. Unless friends and family can offer longer term support then looking for other avenues via a referral system may be a proactive and beneficial move.

I will withdraw from this thread as I do not find NN references something I wish to argue about on this thread. This is nothing to do with you Katkins but I will otherwise say things I would rather not say on a forum.

Oh silverstars I really didn't mean to cause any offence and am so sorry that you have taken such exception to my comments, and there really isn't any need for any argument. I was simply concerned that a family support worker visiting may just not be enough at the present time.

I do hope you don't feel the need to leave the thread.

Hey :) it's ok I can see you both care about me and daughter, and are both trying to help. She wasn't safe when my symptoms were very active, but I think if I can get them under control, we stand a better chance. I'm still getting some hallucinations and feeling hot, very hot, so I think what I need for now is a bigger dose of diapazem in the short term. I'm finding it much harder than I expected to do things. I suspect it's going to be a while before I'm alright. Family support might be all that's needed, but I think I need practical support as I'm so exhausted.

Katkins it is quite common to take diazepam or lorazepam when starting antidepressants as initially things can feel worse before they feel better. Most people take a low dose three times a day for a short period.

The road to recovery is a long process but that's good because it means things are dealt with correctly. You are also still a great mum. Having a psychotic episode doesn't make you a bad one. Just an ill one.

Things will get better I promise. Be kind to yourself and keep taking the sertraline. It will help a little initially and when they up the dose it will help massively. Time and patience with yourself will do wonders.

Thanks. They have given me diazepam for the psychosis and to 'help slow me down' (i.e. a sedative) with a view to controlling the symptoms. I think the anti-depressant was to replace the low dose of Prozac, because I do have the symptoms of depression. Which is why the psychosis was so hard to spot. The diazepam is working very well at controlling the symptoms, though. I think I will feel better when I know what the underlying cause was (is).

How are you feeling today Katkins?

Ok, thanks. Still too hot (!) and low level hallucinations- auditory and visual. This is my first experience, so I don't know what to expect. Really, really tired. Have been sleeping and off since 10pm last night, but getting ready to pick up my little one from school in a bit. I also need to fill out my jobseekers book for signing on tomorrow, so I expect that'll be another headache as I've not got my ESA yet (claim going through though).