Improving self esteem

[FrannyandZooey]

I am not sure this is the right place for this but does anyone have ideas / experience of improving self-esteem without being dependent on extrinsic factors such as other people's opinions of you, doing well at work etc?

I know I spout a lot of hot air on here, but I am coming to realise that I am 35 this year and my only sources of self-esteem are external, ie how I feel others perceive me, how successful my efforts at various ventures have been etc etc. As a result my self-image goes up and down like a rocket. This doesn't feel right. I have suffered badly in the past with depression and would like to avoid it again at all costs. How can I develop a more healthy and stable ego? Or is it far far too late to do anything about it?

Fuck me this is serious, I may regret posting this.

Oh F&Z.
You are the last person I thought would post this.

Can I just say that I think a lot of bollocks is talked about 'self esteem'?

However,ways to feel good about oneself would no doubt include a stable family situation,satisfying work,a pleasant home,a healthy well groomed body and some improving hobbies/pasttimes.

What does life coach sis have to say on subject??

LOL at thought of talking to my sister about this!

Ah well, I think I probably have all those things and more, moondog, so it must just be me then.

Am feeling unexpectedly sorry for myself so think will slope off to bed

I suffered previously and underwent cbt and my therapist (Oooh I hate that word!) advised me to get a book, called Overcoming low self esteem by Melanie Fennel. I initially didnt think this would do me any favours but it did and made the world of difference. Not sure if this is what you are after but I thought I'd let you know. I have posted about this book previously but my name was brookeandtaylorsmummy and nineinchnipples (feeding incident with ds!) under that thread. Hope this helps

This may sound like I am talking shit but I always think that you should address issues one step at a time, say for e.g don't let yourself slide into a rollercoaster of self doubt iyswim.
Hope this makes sense, maybe I should lay of the effing wine.
I too have been depressed off and on for years, do you think we cope with it better as we get older.

call me stupid... but isn't the need of outside reassurance the epitome of lack of self-esteem?

I am just like you, most people are.
From the top of my ignorance I would saythat self esteem come from knowing who you are and feeling confortable on your own skin.

I imagine (since I don't have it...) that there are two ways to get there, a lot of reflective comtemplative work - taking a hard look at yourself; or giving up completely the over anlytical, rational perspective in life (i.e. don't give a shit about it!)

let us know if you find the secret!

Hang on..would also include some altruistic activity (volunteering or the like) and some time for reflection,which could be attending church or the like.

Also, forcing yourself to worry less about what others think,although I have to say that you sound thoroughly lovely F&Z.

Everyone has low self esteem sometimes. I defy anyone to deny it. I was having a chat with a cognitive therapist a few weeks ago and he said it was important for him (as a therapist) to be unconditionally positive in the face of his patients negativities about themselves, not happy clappy just open, to allow them to build a picture of a realistic alternate self.

He then said something which as really stuck with me, that the trick to it is very simple once you get someone out of the pit. He asks you to think of the person you want to be and take very simple small steps to be it.

For instance, if you'd like to see a film but can't find a friend to go with just go, build your confidence slowly but surely. Do things that you want to do, that help you become that person you imagine to be you at your best.

I think as mothers, and maybe even just women, we compromise too much. Compromise is a good thing, and is essential for healthy relationships, but I for one know that in the past I've compromnised my very personality to try to fit into others likes and routines and lost sight of myself.

No wise words Frannyandzooey cos I am hopeless at saying the right thing.
But am seconding Moondog in that I think youre ace. Your posts always make me laugh and maybe thats the key to it all.. laughter as much as possible whenever and wherever!
Hope you are happy,x

Hah you see I feel better now people are saying nice things

(and it is very kind of you)

but hardly the point, really, is it? Unless you can organise a team of people around the clock as a sort of "say nice things to franny" crack team. For the rest of my life.

Anyway, it is a new day. I will go back to being wildly self-promoting and bouncy.

Totally know where you're coming from. I have days where I have absolutely no self-esteem at all, yet others would perceive me as a really confident, positive person. For me the self-esteem issues go back to when I had severe acne as a teenager and was bullied to death about it at school. Even though it's a long time ago, my self-esteeem is irrevocably tied up in how I look (or more accurately, how I think I look).

I can feel great until I get on the Tube in the morning and am surrounded by glamorous-looking women in beautiful clothes, with perfect skin and hair. Then I immediately feel as though I can't compare and imagine that everyone is looking at me and hubby and wondering what he's doing with me.

Logically I know this is stupid - I'm not actually bad-looking, I have a nice slim figure (well, I did but I'm now 15 weeks pregnant so that won't last much longer!) and tick all the boxes above: 'a stable family situation, satisfying work, a pleasant home, a healthy well- groomed body and some improving hobbies/pasttimes'. The only time my self-esteem is high is when I run. It's something I enjoy and am good at, and it really gives me a buzz - and is probably the only time I don't care what I look like or who sees me.

I don't know what the solution is. Hubby is great with me over this and very supportive, and I'm not like it all the time, just have 'blips' I guess. I need to learn to like myself whatever I look like, and get away from the whole superficiality of the external. It's very hard when society places so much emphasis on having the perfect face, hair, figure, wardrobe etc. - it's hard not to feel inadequate or lacking.