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Original poster

What's the point?

70 replies

Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 12:38

I'm suicidal I have urges to self harm and voices commanding I take amphetamine.

I have phoned the Samaritans.

I have tried snapping elastic bands on my skin and holding I've cubes against my skin.

I have phoned various drug helplines.

I have told my psychiatrist.

None of it changes a god damn thing I'm still the one who is sat here dealing with all this shit. Nothing has helped. If I go to crisis they will speak to me for a hour then send me home so I can sit there feeling exactly the same.

There is no point in my trying to get help no one can help me only God can and he has turned his back on me. Or someone with a magic wand to change me into a new person.

I can't do this no more.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 12:39

I'm just unsure which urge will crack first drugs suicide or self harm but something's gotta give.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 27/05/2014 12:43

Please get help. Do you have a crisis team you could call? Can you get a GP appt today? Is there anyone who could sit with you?
You sound like you need very urgent care.
Nobody can wave a magic wand and change who we are but we can become better, stronger, healthier versions of the wonderful people we will always be.

Wolfiefan · 27/05/2014 12:46

I have to go out. I will check back later.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 12:57

My husband is with me. Crisis can't help me they will just send me home.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 27/05/2014 13:12

I know what you mean Inamess and think I have seen your posts before. Posters often advise to go to GP or contact Crisis but you're right they can't do anything, other than review meds and I'm sure that's already been done.

Do you mind saying what your MH difficulty is - sounds like you have a psychotic illness and depression - that's a very tough one. I just have depression (severe at times) and I often think "what's the point" because no-one can help really, it's just a question of getting by day by day, with some days better than others.

Is your husband empathetic, as that can be consoling sometimes. I've spent most of the morning crying and wishing I could have a nice neat heart attack in the night as I don't think I have it in me to end it all.

Sorry I can't do anything to help but sending you warm wishes through cyberspace.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 13:21

I have scizoaffective disorder. I have phoned crisis and they are not willing to review my meds or do anything at all.

OP posts:
SilverStars · 27/05/2014 14:10

Can you see crisis each day, get them to refer you to a day hospital if your area has one?
A one hour slot a day is usually all the time crisis can spend on one person but you can have it more than one day.

Have you tried your gp/psychiatrist and telling them you are deteriorating - your usual dh's tend to review meds more than a crisis team would as it is longer term treatment.

Do you have children? Are you able to care for them. If not it you tell the services you are struggling that sometimes makes them act due to child protection issues and can be useful to tell them.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 14:15

I have children.

I have failed them.

The system has failed me all my life.

No one listens.

No one cares.

My dh is looking after the kids.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 27/05/2014 14:34

Silverstars I don't think telling the OP that Social Services "might act due to child protection issues" is a very good thing to say. Maybe you meant to highlight that they may be able to help but you shouldn't have mentioned cp issues.

Inamess That's a very complex MH issue I know and you don't need me to tell you that you've failed your children, it's because you're ill. I can well understand why you feel "no-one listens/no-one cares" because at the end of it all there is you, having to cope with feeling utterly crap. Is there anything at all that can ease the pain a teeny bit.

NanaNina · 27/05/2014 14:35

Oh shit I meant to say "you don't need me to tell you that you haven't failed your children...........

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 14:36

Thanks nananina the only thing that eased the pain is my old meds ( which my new psychiatrist won't switch back too) and drugs can do it for a short time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 15:23

I've also done something silly in desperation as my doctor won't change my meds I have ordered new meds online that I plan on taking without medical supervision.

OP posts:
SilverStars · 27/05/2014 17:57

Sorry for incorrectly wording what I wrote - my intention was to suggest that sometimes crisis teams, psychiatrists etc are more proactive if there are dependants. Whereas adult social care do not often provide support for an adult in a mental health crisis ( hence use of crisis teams), there is often more support if an adult in crisis is also caring for children - due to needs of the children. Mental health services in crisis are not supporting the OP for what she needs - she feels failed by crisis service. I was just suggesting tht if she has children they also have needs ( call it what you like, there are official and non official phrases) and if services are not aware her children are affected then there may be additional support available through services other than MH.

For instance if you get an assessment for you and your children you have the right to tell children's social care that you feel failed by services and need more support for yourself to enable you to care for you children. There is a variety of funding available to support parents to care for their chicken - including support workers that visit you at home, that may be a support? Perhaps having someone to see, regularly to help with practicalities is more helpful than a crisis phone all or visit if that is not working?

OP what you do with medication is your responsibility however you have said it is silly.

Can you ask your gp for an urgent appointment to talk to them - they can contact your psychiatrist for you?

SilverStars · 27/05/2014 17:57

But thank you NanaNina for pointing out my failures, most helpful.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 18:21

Silver stars thank you I already have a social worker. My children are under child in need.

OP posts:
snoofle · 27/05/2014 18:35

Hi
Can I ask why you think that God has turned His back on you?

Wolfiefan · 27/05/2014 18:36

You have not failed your children at all. You are unwell. Can crisis refer you on to other care? You really sound like you need more support.

snoofle · 27/05/2014 18:38

Do you have a bible to read that may be able to give you some comfort in the first instance?

snoofle · 27/05/2014 18:40

Where are you now? Are you at home?

snoofle · 27/05/2014 18:41

Reread the thread. You said that your husband is with you. Good.

NanaNina · 27/05/2014 18:49

silverstars I wasn't meaning to point out your failures I was just a bit edgy as I've seen so many women on the MH threads who fear that social workers are going to try to remove their children. Some of them won't even see their GP because of this fear. I was a social worker and middle manager in a LA Children's Services for 25 years and so I am able to try to re-assure some poster that mental illness doesn't mean that their children will be removed.

Inamess - do you know why the psychiatrist is refusing to prescribe the meds that eased your pain..........is it an AP drug.....some of them cause extreme tiredness don't they. There is someone on another thread with the same MH illness as yours and the side effects of the APs make her really tired.

Re the drugs you have ordered from the internet, are you going to take them instead of the prescription drugs, or as an addition to something else you are on.....I'm just wondering if they might react adversely with what your taking and making matters worse.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 18:54

Because I am the child of a drug addict and a neglectful mother. My dad although a drug addict was my only carer. He went to prison for armed robbery. During that time I was very violently sexually abused by my mothers boyfriend. Then at 13 my illness started and until then I was a straight A student with a lot of potential. I had a abusive boyfriend aged 13-15 who raped me vaginally and anally and burnt my genitals with cigarettes.

At 15 I became pregnant from rape and my mother forced me to have a termination against my wishes. It went horribly wrong. It was extremely traumatic. Then I had a fair few episodes and as my dad was now gone no one cared or noticed. At 22 I was eventually diagnosed after the birth of my second child.

My whole life I have been in pain.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 18:55

I'm going to wean off my prescription drugs and take the drugs my old pdoc prescribed me in the same doses.

OP posts:
SilverStars · 27/05/2014 19:07

Imsuchamess - as you have a social worker can you then tell them that your old psychiatrist was helpful and that until you get a meds review you need more support - I know they can help you as we'll as MH team, so if you fell ignored by MH people perhaps ask for more support through them?? Have you had counselling - as sounds a very traumatic time for you and sometimes counselling, group therapy, residential inpatient for 6months ( v v hard to get funding for but I have known people get it through mixture of crisis team, social care and psych pushing for it), can all help on top of drugs as well.

What help do you want that you are not getting? Can you then use an advocacy service to help you get that if no one in the services are listening?

NanaNina - I know I worded it wrongly - but I am a great fan of social care ( adult and children's) as they can work together with MH teams to provide a better package - whether a parent has physical or mental health issues. I know MH budgets have been cut so much that many MH teams in my area are urging people to be assessed by social care to get funding for services, to help them access support they need and cannot get through MH or primary care which is why I suggest it. I think social are are great!

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 21:05

I'm too paranoid to talk to social services. I want to be admitted I told crisis today that I was only phoning so it was documented that I asked for help and was ignored so my husband can sue the NHS when I'm dead and get enough money to care for the kids. But she still wouldn't admit me.

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