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Original poster

What's the point?

70 replies

Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 12:38

I'm suicidal I have urges to self harm and voices commanding I take amphetamine.

I have phoned the Samaritans.

I have tried snapping elastic bands on my skin and holding I've cubes against my skin.

I have phoned various drug helplines.

I have told my psychiatrist.

None of it changes a god damn thing I'm still the one who is sat here dealing with all this shit. Nothing has helped. If I go to crisis they will speak to me for a hour then send me home so I can sit there feeling exactly the same.

There is no point in my trying to get help no one can help me only God can and he has turned his back on me. Or someone with a magic wand to change me into a new person.

I can't do this no more.

OP posts:
SilverStars · 27/05/2014 21:12

Can you be under the crisis team at home? Then they can admit you if they feel it is necessary ( or there is a free bed!). If you see crisis ( or talk to them) each day then a different crisis worker each day and they can see how ill you are?

If crisis not support you then you can present at gp/out of hours/A&E ad request assessment for hospital admittance.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 21:22

When I got to my gp or A a and E they just refer me to crisis who do nothing. Our local psych unit closed and the nearest one is now two hours away and now has to cover twice the area. Since it shut they just won't admit you.

They released me after a failed suicide attempt too.

OP posts:
rosteri · 27/05/2014 21:56

Most of this I can only talk about from the God point of view[am nc from snoofle].

You have been through some horrendous things. Much of which are beyond the understanding of many human beings.
You need a lot of prayer from a lot of Christians, and a lot of love.

There sis a christian prayer thread on mumsnet.
Is it ok if I add you name to it?

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 22:09

Yeah thank you.

OP posts:
rosteri · 27/05/2014 22:33

Done. You are welcome.
I will pray for you too.
Would you consider binning the new meds when they arrive?

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 27/05/2014 22:37

I will consider it. And thank you.

OP posts:
NoRoomForALittleOne · 27/05/2014 23:42

I've just popped over from the prayer thread to say that I'm praying for you. And, if you are interested in going for holistic help in a residential setting for free, then Mercy Ministries may be able to help you.

NanaNina · 27/05/2014 23:48

OMG InaMess I wonder that you are still standing after what you have been through. I don't think I've ever heard anything quite so awful, and it seemed you had no-one to turn to for support of any kind.

Is your DH supportive I wonder.....I really hope so, and thinking of binning the internet drugs might not be a bad idea.

I think it's truly terrible how MH services are being cut to the bone so that people like yourself who really need admission can't get any kind of service. Do you have a CPN and is she/he any good?

SilverStars · 28/05/2014 00:11

If you are the right age ( it used to be under 28) the Mercy Ministries residential program is totally free, supportive, Christian and many people find it life transforming so really worth looking at their website for info. ( ok outed myself now so will have to nc!!)

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 28/05/2014 05:17

Nananina although I was neglected by my mum and had to care for my dad when he was drugged up. My dad did show some love and care.

For example when he got out of prison my abuser ran away. Well I started displaying odd symptoms like i wouldn't stop touching myself in front of other people I was weary of men touching me and I would cry at the sensation of peeing or a bowel movement as I didn't like to feel any sensation down there. But worst was the nights I would have nightmares of being abused and cry and scream and scratch the skin off my body and wet the bed sometimes. My father suspected abuse and would ask me questions but I was so traumatised by it I wouldn't speak about it.

Even though my mother argued greatly my dad bought me a double bed and started sleeping in the bed with me till the nightmares became less frequent at 13. I remember them arguing he said he wasn't leaving his baby alone at night to have nightmares about being abused and hurt herself.

He would often shout at my mum and ask her what happened to me while he was in prison my mum would say nothing happened she's just attention seeking. Plus you should be looking after me not her as I'm mentally ill my dad would scream something must of happened look at the state on her normal children don't do that he said. But my dad refused to let me sleep alone.

For a while he refused to leave me alone at all with anyone. He was very protective of me. He would rock me when I woke up and he would be crying saying this is all my fault. I was devastated when he started experiencing amphetamine psychosis regularly cus I had a new born baby sister when that started happening i was 13 and I used to look after my sister a lot. Well my dad was no longer safe for anyone to be around when he took drugs except me as he worshipped the ground I walked on and would never hurt me. But I knew my little sister (who for some reason my mother loved and showered with love and affection) couldn't grow up like That. So I told my mother if she didn't leave I was going to social services and I was going to tell them everything and have my sister placed in care. Something that broke my heart to do. So she left my daddy the one person in my childhood who loved and cared for me alone.

I wasn't allowed contact with him as a child but he got clean and while he has met up with me a few times as a adult he finds it too painful and ends up crying saying he is sorry. So I don't see him anymore. But I have asked him to ring through my brother ( he was from a previous marriage never saw any of this and we are not close) as I feel my dad can help me with the drug issues.

Merseyside sounds very good thank you I'll look into it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imsuchamess · 28/05/2014 05:20

Sorry Mersey ministries.

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NoRoomForALittleOne · 28/05/2014 07:17

Still praying for you to find peace, hope and to know that you are loved. I am no expert so as much as I would like to fix everything for you, I know that I personally can't. But the NHS psychiatric services are so limited, I think it's time to look for help elsewhere. I am praying that you can find enough strength to find some alternative help and that you will find the help healing and transformative.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 28/05/2014 14:45

Thank you my husband is phoning the gp to try and get my psychiatrist changed.

OP posts:
NoRoomForALittleOne · 28/05/2014 15:12

Praying that the GP listens and takes action.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 28/05/2014 16:50

Gp can't do nothing.

OP posts:
rosteri · 28/05/2014 20:24

If that is what you think needs to happen, then I will pray that it does happen if that is Gods will. x

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 28/05/2014 20:48

Thank you rosteri.

OP posts:
Questionoffaith · 28/05/2014 21:36

Another one praying for you.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 28/05/2014 21:48

Thank you questionoffaith.

OP posts:
Wolfiefan · 28/05/2014 21:54

I can't believe no one will help. So sorry for what you have been through and the pain it still causes you.
I have zero expertise here. Would a change of GP help? Can Samaritans or even CAB point you in the right direction? You said social services were involved? Could they refer you on?
You deserve help. You deserve to feel so much better than this.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 29/05/2014 08:10

Thanks wolfiefan my dh is taking me back up crisis on Friday. He said he gonna tell them lots like the fact I keep seeing feeling blood clots and he has to restrain me to stop me removing them.

OP posts:
rosteri · 29/05/2014 11:44

I am glad that your husband is such a good support.

NanaNina · 29/05/2014 13:32

Wofiefan yes it is hard to believe that people like the OP (and many thousands more) have to suffer the torment of mental illness, and that the help is limited. The medics can prescribe drugs and it's a very "hit and miss" thing, what suits one person doesn't suit another. They have side effects of course and sometimes these can feel as bad as the mental illness itself.

The OP has a complex mental health condition and I know from "talking" to others on the MH threads that often the drugs just don't "hold" the sufferer in a way that provides a better quality of life. This is true for other less complex mental illnesses. I suffer from intermittent depression and anxiety and it can get very severe, but I just have to cope the best way I can, although I get good support from my CPN.

I think people always think that there must be something a GP or psychiatrist can do and sadly sometimes there isn't. Therapy helps some people, but not all, and because of the cuts in mental health services, there is often a very long wait for therapy on the NHS.

SO yes the OP does deserve better, and I hope she is able to get back on the meds that she thinks helped her last time. I suppose I'm wondering why you are on the MH threads when you have no experience of mental health problems. I know people have a right to post on any thread but to be honest, I think you need to have some understanding of MH issues, but then that's just me. Sorry if that sounds rude it isn't meant to.

rosteri · 29/05/2014 13:38

I think compassion and empathy is important on the Mental Health board. And also, sometimes it can take a while for some posts to even be answered at all, so to me, Wolfiefan is more than just welcome, it is important to have posters like her.

Original poster
Imsuchamess · 29/05/2014 14:33

Thank you nananini. But I don't mind wolfies post as I think it's important for the general public to realise just how underfunded the mental health budget is and how many of us are suffering in severe pain. That's the only way anything will change is if people know.

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