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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

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Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Mental health

Want to run away

30 replies

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:03

Its my first time posting on here, and I am at the end of my tether. I have 2 children 3 and 2, and I have suffered from depression in the past but "snapped myself out of it" as I didn't want meds.
Recently tho, i could feel myself descending into a dark place and I don't know what my true feelings are whether they are really mine, or because I am getting depressed again.

I feel all i am doing is shouting at my children and snapping and getting cross over sillyt things, and that I am losing my grip. I hater to say it but I feel I could lash out at them but I stop myself, but it scares me :'(
Today I feel I dont want to be here anymore, i wish I could get in car and drive and not come back, and i feel guilty for having these thoughts but i dont even feel like i love my children or my dp at all and although i know deep down i do, i want to go. I am sick of dp saying he will help me yet he never does, the first thing he did when he came home was go on the pc even though he knew i hadnt been very well yesterday, he promised he would come and help do some chores (i havent stopped doing them all week!) and he did f**k all. I am sick of it. Sick of my life not being how I imagined it to be. I know this sounds selfish and horrid but all i am doing is sitting here crying and I want to run away now but i am scared.

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SherlockLGJ · 31/08/2006 11:08

I am sorry you feel like this, I am not very good at this sort of support, someone will be along soon who will be able to help.

Pinkchampagne · 31/08/2006 11:11

Sorry you are feeling so bad. It sounds like you could do with some kind of support atm. It may be an idea to have a word with your HV.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 11:15

It sounds like you have depression

The problem with depression is that you cant just "snap out of it". Its an illness that, once it starts, unless its caught hold of early on, can spiral downwards until you get to pretty much where you are now.

i would strongly recommend you go see your GP, or your HV.

I had PND, and didnt want to take meds either. its frightening, and being mentally "unwell" has a certain stigma attached to it. However, I can honestly say that 9 months down the line I couldnt be better. Meds dont suit everyone, but its certainly worth condsidering.

Please help yourself and get some medical advice.

And keep posting on here. the support is fantastic

xxx

phatcat · 31/08/2006 11:20

Are you getting any breaks from looking after the kids pookie? 3 and 2 is a small gap and very demanding ages. I'm not surprised you've had enough, especially if your dp doesn't help. I send mine to nursery part time just to get a break for me. It makes all the difference and it's the best money I've ever spent. You need to tackle your dp as well - it's really not on that he doesn't help. Can you give him some specific tasks rather than just asking for general 'help'? Maybe he doesn't know where to start or what to do. He can schedule in his playtime on the pc when he's done his bit.

Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 11:24

Please don't be afraid of meds. If you were asthmatic you would use inhalers same goers with depression it is an illness and meds do help. The way it was with me is that the tablets took the edge of my low so I could start to think straight again then with the help of a counsellor and the meds I slowly recovered. Believe me I fought against medication for a long time, wouldn't hesitate if I was ever back in the same position again.

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:25

Thank u for your replies, I am sat here and I know I should ring gp or hv but i am scared, i went down the whole counselling route when i was pg with my 2nd child and didn't feel it helped a great deal at the time. I really am scared of taking tablets like Prozac etc though and think if I go thats what they will automatically tell ne to take.

I know all the things that make me feel better in the past. e.g. exercise etc. but dp cancelled the gym I used, to save money (yet he goes out weekly biking...) and I dont get chance to get any decent exercise, as I am stuck in house with 2 toddlers and dont get any time to myself anymore, and I know it makes me feel better when i do it, plus it would help me lose weight (another part of why I am down).
God I am rambling on sorry

I wish i could just shake the feeling of wanting to tell dp i want to leave him and run away but i know its not the answer.

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Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 11:29

Why are you so scared of prozac? It worked for me no side effects at all, plus there are plenty of other anti depressants. St leats have the discussion a gp might be able to reassure you more.

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:29

Phatcat - I do have both boys in nursery one afternoon a week and one of them goes an addtional afternoon, and i feel i cant ask my parents fo rhelp as my dad has been poorly. I cant tell them I feel down as I get the same reply everytime "what do you have to be down about, you have 2 lovely children, nice house." blah blah.
My mum in particular is very anti meds and in fact most of them are, they seem to think i should snap myself out of it as i managed to before.

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VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 11:32

It probably wont be prozac pookie.

AD's have moved on alot in recent years. I take sertraline/lustral which is an ssri (seratonin something reuptake inhibitor).

Basically it increases the production and distribution of seratonin in the brain (which is what goes wrong with depression). You take them for long enough until the levels get right again, and then slowly come off them so that the brain learns to produce and distribute seratonin on its own again.

Please ring the doctors. Its okay to go there and sob for half an hour. It usually gives them a pretty good insight as to how you are feeling. Counselling is also good, btw, not that i have needed it.

Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 11:32

Do they need to know? You need to do what will help you the most. Ideally they should support you but if not make sure you get well! I didn't tell my mum because I knew she would worry and moan about it!

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:32

holidaymum, i dont know why I am so scared tbh, think its like admitting i have a problem when ive been able t brush it under carpet for so long. Also I am scared of side effects as a couple of friends of mine have found themselves more depressed than they were to start with, which scares me.

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Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 11:34

VVV Prozac is also an ssri and works the same way! Its also a modern drug

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 11:35

Most people dont understand depression pookie, unless they have had it themselves. They think its an "emotion". But, its not so basic as that. Its a chemical imbalance in teh brain brought about by change in hormones etc or by a trauma/huge stress.

Most of my family dont know i have depression. I cant be doing with explaining it.

Have a look at the first post on here....about post natal depression experience but relates to all depression

Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 11:35

Pookie, gps will monitor it very carefully and prescribe what is right for your symptoms. I had to try a couple of different meds before I found what worked. People love scare stories, there are way more success ones out there though.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 11:36

Im thinking of valium, arent i?

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:37

Wish I had known about mumsnet before now, ive used other baby boards but as most people "know" me on there (and dp might see posts) Ive been wondering where to turn. You have all been really helpful, now I just need to work out my next step I think. Bit difficult when you only have old male gp's and I don't know who my HV is as it changes weekly by all accounts!

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Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 11:38

Possibly! They don't give that out anymore as a rule thank god! As you said things have changed big time! And I'm the same over my family, the last thing you need to do is justify yourself and explain stuff.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 31/08/2006 11:41

DP's mum was on valium. That was his reservation about me taking AD's. He thought they would be addictive too, and so didnt want me to take them. His mum was addicted to valium for over 30 yeras.

Pookie, just ring your gp...surely they have a woman gp there?

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 11:45

They don't have women gps at our surgery, we live in a small village (all too close for comfort iykwim!) - I spoke to a man last time and he was ok, but al he kept telling me was I was also overweight (Im 12 stone) and that I needed to cut down booze (thats another issue altogether

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MrsBigD · 31/08/2006 11:52

pookie sorry to hear you're feeling so low. I've been there last year and was also ready to pack up and go. Had pnd with late onset after both births. First GP was a brilliant woman who's been there too so very helpful. For the second time round I saw a male doctor as I had changed surgery. However, that was no issue. I did not automatically put me on AD's nor tell me straight up to 'pull myself together' (my mother did along with the guilt trip thing 'when I had depression after having you kids nobody acknowleged and helped').

The GP was bril in the way that he asked me whith what expectations I had come to him, i.e. wanting meds, councelling etc. I opted for both as meds (paroxetin) had helped previously by taking the edge of and me not wanting to throttle/throw the kids against the wall.

Also requested councelling but had to wait for yonks (very helpful that NOT!) and as yourself I didn't find the session very helpful. Then again I guess it depends on how good the counceller is. Mine I considered rubbish and didn't go back.

As for your family being anti-meds... just don't tell them.

Sorry to ramble hope this helps a little. Even if it's just to know that you're not alone.

redsky · 31/08/2006 11:58

pookie - wish I could wave a magic wand for you. For me anti depressants have worked really well. It has taken me YEARS tho to learn that I've got to keep taking the meds even when I think I'm better. Also I've had to change medication a few times when one no longer works. Please go and see your gp. If you don't it can all get horribly worse.

I wish I had been much tougher about getting my dp to help me with the chores years ago. We've just reached our 25th wedding anniversay, I'm depressed AGAIN, done no chores for about a week so the house looks sh*t, and dp just tells me not to worry about it as it will all get sorted again once my new meds kick in! Why can't HE pull his finger out for a few days and DO something practical??????

Pookie76 · 31/08/2006 12:09

redsky - I am summoning up courage to ring gp now. But I dont want to drag my children down to the surgery and dont have anyone to leave them with either.
i have also just been on the phone to dp and in tears and he says we need to talk about this when I am home, and I will do what i can to make things better housework wise, but he then makes excuses about wanting to spend time with me etc. I know its depression talking but I feel like I just wish he would bugger off for good. I feel like I hate him.

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MrsBigD · 31/08/2006 12:09

redsky, I know I shouldn't, but I had to smile at the comment your d(?)h made... aren't they all just the same? In a previous relationship I went on strike once and only did the most necessary things like wash MY clothes, and do a few dishes when the plates were out just to see how long it would take for xp to even notice... do I even need to say it? In the end I had to blitz the flat because it was doing my head in...

Holidaymum · 31/08/2006 12:12

Please just ignore your feelings for a short while! Its likely to be the depression. Can you not get your dp to have the kids while you go? You need to be alone with the gp. Choose the one you like most, I understand that they may not be ideal but there will be at least one there who is good with depression, if necessary ask the receptionist or health visitor.

Pookie76 · 01/09/2006 13:11

This is a response I got when I opened up to a friend today about how I had been feeling...

"... It is just a case of snapping out of it, and getting yourself together..."

Is it really that simple? I am finding it hard to "snap out of it" to be honest.

I started off feeling more postive today and its slowly sliding downhill and I want to stop it.

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