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Original poster

Just putting it somewhere

104 replies

Jecede · 21/04/2014 23:26

Tomorrow I'm going to end my life I've been planning it all week. Everyone has said how much better I'm looking and doing, but the calm is all down to me knowing there's an end point where I don't have to go beyond.
I have a plan and a back up plan in case it goes wrong.
This post is incredibly self indulgent, but no one knows and I suppose I needed to put it down somewhere.
It's pointless saying to contact MH services and so on, as I don't actually want to be stopped and besides, you say anything and they don't take it seriously anyway. You can't really mean it if you're telling them.
I've made sure everything is in order. No one suspects a thing. My head's not clouded with pills and for the first time in a long time, everything is clear and calm. I'm just totally at peace with the whole thing.
I've written very clear notes and instructions to everyone who matters or needs them. While there's no way of making it better, I can make it easier.
There's not really much else to say really, is there. The world is not a bad place, I just don't have the energy to do it anymore.

OP posts:
andsmile · 22/04/2014 10:59

you are doing well to keep going and keeping posting...if you goto to A&E they will have to call a pysch consult to come a assess you.

Has your OH gone to work, are they around?

Just breathe you dont have to do anything else.

nonameisgoodname · 22/04/2014 11:25

What makes you feel it will be worse if you call them? Try it. See what happens.

Feelingdownthismorn · 22/04/2014 11:29

Ok, if you ring and they do nothing you'll be in the same position you are in now.
Why don't you just ring 999 and see what happens?

Feelingdownthismorn · 22/04/2014 11:31

It was amazingly brave of you to post last night, and this morning. Can you find the strength to tell someone in RL what is going on?

Original poster
Jecede · 22/04/2014 11:34

I called.
Why was I calling them.
What has helped before when I felt like this.
What can I do to distract myself.
Can I go and see family.
What can I do for the rest of today.
Can I keep myself safe.

Don't know.
Nothing is working. I've tried.
Nothing.
No.
Don't know.
Don't know.

That was useful wasn't it.
They'll call me back later.
I can talk to my care co tomorrow.
I shouldn't have bothered.
Now I look like an attention seeking idiot.
I give up. I don't even know what I wanted them to do. I don't know why I bother.

This is ridiculous. If I can stop myself then theres no point in A&E and no point in seeing anyone or talking to anyone.

OP posts:
slithytove · 22/04/2014 11:36

I'm glad you are still here and thinking about things. Remember, there is no going back on this and there will always be another day to take this step.

It is worth calling them as this doesn't have to change your plans.

I agree with the suggestion to go to a&e.

yegodsandlittlefishes · 22/04/2014 11:37

Please choose to live.

OnlyLovers · 22/04/2014 11:39

You are not ridiculous, or pathetic, or an idiot, or anything else you've called yourself on here.

You are still here. That is strong of you and very brave of you to keep posting. Please do talk to your care company (is that what you meant by 'care co'?).

You have inner resources. You've proved that by starting and continuing on this thread and by talking to the people you've talked to.

I can't begin to imagine how tiring and difficult everything feels for you and I won't pretend to, but YOU ARE STILL POSTING AND STILL HERE and I think that's magnificent.

slithytove · 22/04/2014 11:40

Balls x posted.

You don't seem like you are attention seeking. This seems like you are looking for one final lifeline before you take that irreversible step.

Keep posting until one of us can find you that lifeline. I'm glad you called them, but sorry they were so shit.

I would completely try the Samaritans, and if that doesn't work, then emergency services. Your life is at risk.

What would you say to a friend in this position?

FriendlyFeatures · 22/04/2014 11:40

Jecede, did you manage to tell them that you do not feel safe and have plans in place to end your life today?
I so get where you are coming from when it feels that you are attention seeking, you are not you are desperately trying to seek services that will keep you safe.
I know its the last thing you need right now and suicide seems like the only serious option but really you need to tell them just hoew desperately close you are to killing yourself. Could you ring your GP, ask for an appt, or yes go to a and e.

Feelingdownthismorn · 22/04/2014 11:43

Please call 999. Be honest with them about how you are feeling and your plans.
They will come and they will take you seriously. They will have dealt with situations like this before and will not judge you. (I know this from personal experience)

Original poster
Jecede · 22/04/2014 11:45

Yes I did friendly. they offered to come and see me today.
I've text a friend. I think i'll ask her to go to a and e with me.

OP posts:
slithytove · 22/04/2014 11:54

Jecede, that's wonderful. Please keep us updated as you have so much support here x

Original poster
Jecede · 22/04/2014 11:58

I've called my friend and she's coming to get me. I'll see what happens from there, but I'll be with her whatever.

OP posts:
OnlyLovers · 22/04/2014 12:00

I'm so pleased to hear that, Jecede. Do keep coming back here if you need the support.

slithytove · 22/04/2014 12:09

Good. I'm so glad you have reached out in RL, I've been thinking about you this morning. You have done the right thing, both in making this thread, that phone call, and telling your friend. A&e is just the next step.

Everything I keep wanting to say sounds really naff in my head, but I'll say it anyway and risk coming across as a complete wet rag.

You are worth saving, you are worth helping, and your life WILL get better. Find the strength to get through this hour by hour, and one day you will look back and be happy you are still here.

If you can, please let us know how a&e is.

Feelingdownthismorn · 22/04/2014 12:31

Well done, you are a very strong person to have been able to do that.
Has your friend arrived now? (I'm not expecting an answer if she has)

FriendlyFeatures · 22/04/2014 12:33

Hope you get the help that you need and deserve, will be thinking of you!

slithytove · 22/04/2014 16:42

Did you go to a&e?

andsmile · 22/04/2014 16:59

Im really proud of you. That took a lot of strength. Im so pleased you have contacted a friend.

I got to say I have not been where you are but I have been bad with PND and I know how hard it is to hear yourself say certain things, most private inner fears to another person. That really does take guts.

Tiny steps, its ok to do nothing except breath. Keep going and lean on your friend for support.

If you can try to tell yourself 'it is possible to rebuild me' it can be done.

Take bestest care x

CheesyBadger · 22/04/2014 21:00

Well done Jecede, thinking of you

yegodsandlittlefishes · 22/04/2014 21:04

Hope you are over the worst and in a&e (or out again and with someone) being looked after, Jecede. Stay with us. Choose to live. Just 'be'.

scotswoman · 22/04/2014 22:32

Jecede, you're doing the hardest thing but we all think you're being amazing.

No idea what your music tastes are but give this song a try for me

Original poster
Jecede · 22/04/2014 23:12

I was seen in A&E. They took me very seriously and I was assessed under the MH act. The consultant psych was my usual,psych, so we've agreed on crisis care at home and I'll see her tomorrow. We'll see how it goes.

I would still like to die, but I will give this a shot first.

OP posts:
Original poster
Jecede · 22/04/2014 23:12

Thank you for your support. I needed it.

OP posts: