Had a lazy day with dd. I've had a few wobbles, the rain doesn't help. And I'm feeling panicky about my reckless behaviour recently, regarding spending too much money and letting myself be treated badly by a bloke.
Found a blog about a girl with bpd, which led to watching YouTube videos about bpd. Some are quite good, some are cringy all are triggering and upsetting but it makes me realise that I do have a mental illness, and suffering quite badly. I find that hard to take in. It helps in a way, that it's an illness, but it's hard that it's quite hard to treat, hell to live with, and there are many shitty symtoms.
At the moment I'm really struggling with the suicidal urges, especially having them for a long time, and attachment/abandonment issues. I think everyone hates me, I push them away, cancel appts. Then panic, cry and ring them, and think they're avoiding me but I need their help. I feel too many emotions all at once, I look for support from the hcp's then want to do it alone. My thoughts are very real and hard to control. I'm crying now, out of frustration, sadness for dd, anger that I want to die more than I want to live.
I feel I'm becoming a horrible person, a nightmare to treat and deal with. I'm hoping I'm not the worst client my cpn is dealing with atm. I'm scared of myself, I want to be normal and not want to throw myself off a bridge or take an od. I don't know if people understand that this is getting harder. Yes I have insight, but in a way, I wish I didn't. My head is too full and won't give me a break.
Sorry for long post, not sure if anyone really reads my posts anyway, apart from those lovely ones who have been patient and continue to try to keep me sane.