There's nothing anyone can do

[Messupmum]

Hospital won't help because my problems are long term.
I need to wait to see if the medication works.
I need to find something to fill my time but not stable enough for work yet.
Therapy needs to help.

Basically I'm fucked.

I'm very tempted to drive to a high bridge right at this moment. I'm a waste of space and it's all my fault, all my problems.

I'm not having a great day, my fault I know. I should get out of the house but I haven't showered, I look a state, only had a cup of tea and biscuits. I keep thinking about having a shower, but I keep thinking about od'ing too. Feel a failure that I can't motivate myself. My heads jumbled up, and it's hard to see any point to doing anything. Dd is happier where she is this wkend, no ones contacted me so I feel I'm a waste of space. Sorry, feel so guilty. Part of me know I need to get out, for a walk at least, but I'm just not in the mood today.

I only had one vodka last night, didn't even finish it.

Ok, I've done a load of washing, cleaned kitchen and hoovered. About to have a bath, then meeting a friend at the pub. Haven't gone near tablets as temptation is too strong.

Good, very good except the pills should be hidden in a place that is very difficult to get at them if you cant bear to get rid of them altogether.

God I can't do this! I'm trying, it's too hard. I can feel myself falling apart.

How are you feeling now, OP? You sounded so upset, and going through so much. I hope that you are feeling OK, and managed to get some rest. I think you should keep going back to the crisis team as you need it, they will take you seriously. Tell them how you are feeling. Do you have any friends you can text? Sometimes I feel really awful then text some-one, because I know they wouldn't want me to be alone- no matter how bad I feel.

Thinking of you

Not sleeping too well. There's a chance I could be pregnant, unplanned, just to add more angst to everything else. It's too early to test, but I'm scared, confused, messed up and still getting sh urges. Everyone's going to hate me. Wondering if it's best to just end things, before things just get worse and more complicated.

I want to discharge myself from cmht before they discharge me anyway. I need some control, I don't feel I'm control of anything else. They'll be glad to get rid of me.

My head hurts, my neck hurts, I'm not ill, must be tension. I want all this to go away. Still texting Samaritans so must be finding them to be of some benefit.

Also another thing bothering me, is therapy. I still hate it, a few months in. There are a couple of blokes there (group therapy) who give me the creeps and I don't feel comfortable with. This makes it hard to talk. And the therapist made a comment 'this borderline pd you 'claim' to be diagnosed with..' Claim?! I'm not making it up, or am I? Maybe I've imagined it, and it's not on my notes. So confused. I hate this. My poor dd, I shouldn't be a mum.

Of course you should be a Mum! Could you talk to the therapist one: one about how the men make you feel? I was abused in the past, and some men (not their fault) I find "triggering", especially if I'm feeling vulnerable. One was a tutor. I explained to him- and do you know he was so lovely about it. We have even done some work outside of uni together since.

They won't be glad to get rid of you if you are feeling like this- please tell them how you are feeling. And with regard to the possibility of being pregnant, try not to worry until you can test. Some tests you can do very early on- get one if you are worried, but until then, try not to worry too much. It's not helpful for you, and stress can make us think all sorts of odd things.

People don't hate you. There are people on here, and in RL, who want to help. Could you go outside today, for a walk or something? It is a lovely day here- even if I am stuck in doing housework and studying!

I met a friend for a coffee. To answer Longtallsally I'm not tall, but always look ok which is why I don't feel I'm taken seriously. I wear normal clothes, always have a bit of make up on and brushed hair. I could turn up a complete mess for appts, but some days I don't shower, pull on clothes from the day before, don't reapply makeup but people still think I look fine. A bloke at day hospital always used to comment on what I was wearing, it annoyed me. I didn't put any thought into what I put on, but he thought he could determine my mood. I can shower, do hair etc out of habit, but still have suicidal thoughts.

I want to write my thoughts down for the cc, but I don't know where to start. I don't want to burden them anymore, but scared to be discharged. I want to push everyone away before they all make me leave, iykwim. Really scared right now. I don't feel good, seen people this wkend but have never felt so alone.

Another rubbish sleep, and been awake since 5. Feel shaky and the thought of getting dd ready for school is too much.

Sorry to hear you are still feeling so low. Is there anyone at all, friend, family member, anyone that you can talk to?

I think it might be useful for you to access some immediate help. Even just some-one to sit with you for a while.

I've been trying to get hold of a friend, I've said I'm struggling but she's keeping her distance, I can tell. Find it hard to open up to other friends. Meant to be seeing hv tomorrow, so I can chat to her.

It might be that she's quite busy, sometimes we can be really unkind to ourselves and tell ourselves that situations are happening, when they aren't. Do you have any other friends or family members that you can ring?

It could be, I think everyone's busy with their own lives and problems, they don't need be being a nuisance.

I'm lying in bed and I can't get thoughts of taking an od out of my head. It's like it takes over, like an obsession. Like someone is telling me to think these things. Haven't gone out today apart from school run, just too paranoid.

I think you need to try and get some help, OP. Can you go to the GP on an emergency app? I know it will take a lot, but I think you need it.

Make a nuisance of yourself if it will get you help- and you aren't a 'nuisance' by the way. If you get desperate, you can go to A n E. There are people there for you. And here.

Awake again. This is a sign, a bad sign. Starting to panic now. What if I'm heading downhill again but no one believes me? Feel dizzy and spaced out. It's like the world is carrying on without me, leaving me in this dark place with no way out.

Is it quiet here atm, or just me? I know I'm just rambling most of the time though. Just helps to get it out, makes my head a bit less jumbled.

I really do think you need to get some professional help, you sound really distressed. Please, make a phone call

Hi. How is it going this week with talking to professionals? Any use? I think I remember reading you were seeing your HV? Was she helpful at reassuring you or suggesting groups you could go to to help structure your day in a helpful way?

Sme areas have volunteer run fortnightly or monthly self help groups for people with MH issues, are there any near you that could be an option?

I am a real advocate of doing things with my hands to help distract: crafts, colouring, musical instrument, baking - whatever it is that you can do or enjoy.

And again having a reason to get up and out every day helps - especially if can get a walk in the daylight to lift mood.

And posting here is really helpful too, so keep doing it.

Have you done anything so far this week that has been helpful? A bit enjoyable? Helped get through that part of the day?

I had a chat with the hv, she just said to call her when I need to. I've got some structure to the week, have certain things on set days that I do. This not sleeping is worrying me though, always a sign things could be getting worse. Plus it makes me feel worse, shaky and spaced out, and harder to think straight.

Good HV supportive - so do call her for a chat or to see her when you think it will help. Good to reassure you about your dc also.

Sorry sleep is hard. Am sure you know all about good sleep hygiene, what is meant to help etc.