There's nothing anyone can do

[Messupmum]

Hospital won't help because my problems are long term.
I need to wait to see if the medication works.
I need to find something to fill my time but not stable enough for work yet.
Therapy needs to help.

Basically I'm fucked.

I'm very tempted to drive to a high bridge right at this moment. I'm a waste of space and it's all my fault, all my problems.

Sometimes it helps, other times I get into a panic and just need to get home. I start thinking someone is following me or keeping tabs on where I'm going. Even at home I feel exposed, I want to close the curtains and lock the doors. I feel people know what I'm doing and they're going to use it against me?! I feel like that now, I managed to get some food in this morning, but have to hide in my bed. Getting anxious about the school run too, then having dd to look after, make tea etc. I need to do everything right otherwise I'm scared ss will know.

Is anyone around? Feeling really agitated,

Am here if you still up. How are you now?

I've so much to do and I can't get out of bed. Feel such a failure.

ss already know. They appear to be quite happy with you.

Once again I think I'm doing ok, then crash. Feel frozen to the spot, crying, if I move or go anywhere I might do something stupid. I can't cope with this emotional torture, I wish I was brave enough to end it.

If you struggling to get out of bed, can you just accept you having some lazy days and accept that for what it is? D you have someone to get your dd up and take to and fro from school? If so there is no harm staying in bed and resting if you want to. If you do not want to can you arrange some things that mean you have to get out?

I was out today when I started crying and panicking. I feel so scared all the time.

I have written before, that you need hugs. You need looking after sometimes. We all do. Would you reconsider moving in with your mum?

I can't do that, I've got a house, a daughter, I'm a grown woman. I want a hug but I don't let people near me.

I really thought I was doing better this week, now I'm a complete mess again and want to od, I need this to stop. It's never ending. I can't even contact anyone as I was told if I need support every week it's not a crisis, so I can't keep being referred to them. There's been a couple of times I was going to ask about day hospital, just for a week, but I can't do that. I'd be in the wrong to ask.

I know how I must come across, but I really am struggling with suicidal thoughts, some days are worse, but I can't keep asking for help, esp as I'm on meds and in therapy. If I do od or sh again, there's no point telling anyone.

I don't know what I'm doing. I keep checking on dd, giving her a kiss, coming into another room, start sobbing, and ringing cmht number but hanging up.

I feel my cc is annoyed with me for ringing last fri eve and getting support for the wkend. She said it's only for emergencies. I get everything wrong, I can't ring anymore. Why do I rely on others so much?!

Stay with your mum for a week? It is safe, and it will give your head a break. Tell your daughter that it is a holiday[it will be a bit for her].

fwiw, I sometimes go and stay with my mum just because.
And she enjoys the company.
And I am several years older than you are!

I sound like I'm being difficult, but it's hard with school etc. Plus dm isn't well atm.

I've had a bath, a bit of food dd's leftovers and still don't know what to do with myself. Is it a bad idea to try to write down what's in my head, and drop it off for my cc tomorrow? Not that she'll do anything, but it might make me feel better? Or shall I just ask to be discharged as I'm obviously wasting their time? Trying not to cry again and giving myself a headache

That previous post makes me sound so pathetic, and I see the typical bpd traits showing but I can't help it, it's like I'm losing control.

Could she come and stay with you?

Quite frankly, anything to stop your over active brain having time to think think think and not getting anywhere.
The circle needs to stop.

Maybe I should just go away somewhere. Soon. That idea is actually very appealing now I've thought about it.

Yes. Yes.

I've really crashed again. I wonder how many people are just thinking just end it then. I irritate myself, I hate myself and I don't see why others would feel any different.

Yr cc needs bloody shooting for saying crisis team is for emergenies bloody hell if she read your posts shed understand you are an energeny and her lack of understanding maybe says more about her maybe she feels undermind when youv got other carers in.
Maybe she knows she should be doing more to help you and having other teams in makes her worried it may reveal shes not helping u enough.
What was the crisis team like with yu over weekend.
Your going through torture and fucker is listening its disgraceful it annoys the pure hell out of me because i cant physically help you either.
Suicide may look like a solution because of the shit mental health system but the person really loosing out would be your little girl she will be without a mummy and she really needs you.
No one here is telling you to do it.
It would be last thing we want.
R u safe now.?

The best thing you can do is find ways to help yourself. You've been great asking for help before, but haven't accepted the offer of the day hospital when it was offered and don't find the Crisis team helpful.

Inpatient care isn't going to happen. These days inpatient services are so restricted due to funding that admittance is rare. Even if you were admitted, I doubt you'd find it any comfort as no one talks to you and you're expected to look after yourself. If you ask for help as an inpatient, the first question you get is "what could YOU do to help yourself."

So the options are to take some serious action to make yourself feel better and your life get better, or hope that someone else can fix you. I can tell you know, that no one can fix you, so option one is way better.

Take step one today: If nothing else, take 10 mins to write down all of the things you like doing or would like to do. Pick a small achievable one and then make a plan to do it this afternoon.

Once you've done that, get your swimming costume and a towel and go and swim 20 lengths minimum of a pool. The exercise will make you feel better and then go and do your plan.

Report back and let us know how it went. Show us all the strength you have to help yourself.

I think I need to realise when to phone for help and when to try to cope myself. I suppose when I'm on a bridge or starting to od I should ring someone, but when I'm just crying uncontrollably I should try to distract myself. It's hard when your minds all jumbled up, and I get panicky and scared. But I need to try to rely on the hcp's less.

I've accepted the offer of day hospital many times, I find it helps to have a place of safety and 24 hr phone line, but the last time I went, I was told to go for a few random days that didn't provide any structure, so I didn't agree last time as I didn't think it would help then. Plus I was embarrassed to go there again.

Swimming is a good idea, I've been walking like my cc suggested, and signed up for a course.

I do feel a bit annoyed with my cc but maybe I'm wrong to. It's just it has put me off calling anyone when I'm really struggling.

Hi. It is tricky. People who call for help frequently due to a more chronic problem find that the services are not ideal at helping them. And learning what is a crisis and what is not is tricky but your Cpn will always put you under crisis if they feel that is right.

Can you get your Cpn to help you plan what you can do for yourself and which family or friends to involve and when? Feeling suicidal and acting in it can be two different things and sometimes we what people to rescue us from out thoughts. If you take an od that requires medical treatment then go to a and e or call an ambulance. Samaritans can be a great help plus other voluntary phone lines for a chat.

I texted the Samaritans last night, I can't make the appt with my cc next week, so I just left a message to cancel and can't be bothered to rearrange. I'm trying hard not to rely on anyone.

I'm just going to cry now, and a vodka and coke. keep telling myself I don't feel like shit but I do sorry

I've been texting the Samaritans this evening, they reply quite quickly. But for some reason their responses are making me panic.

MM how are you this morning?

I think I need to realise when to phone for help and when to try to cope myself. I suppose when I'm on a bridge or starting to od I should ring someone, but when I'm just crying uncontrollably I should try to distract myself. It's hard when your minds all jumbled up, and I get panicky and scared. But I need to try to rely on the hcp's less.

That sounds like a really valuable insight. Your cc does sound useless, but when you need help don't be put off by her, or anyone. Ring, ask, knock on those doors for yourself and for your dd's sake. When you can manage to cope through distraction, ringing Samaritans, posting here, seeing friends or family then yy to managing that way.

I suspect that you may come across as someone who can cope better than you really can iyswim. Are you tall, by any chance? I found, over the years that people who are small and can look really vulnerable seem to find it easier to get help. I am tall and speak confidently, and so really have to be crumbling to be taken seriously.

If the texts from the Samaritans make you feel anxious, you can tell them that and pick up the phone instead. Talking to a real person may suit you better - I can understand that.

Hope that you manage to get to the swimming pool over the weekend - water can be lovely and hold you whilst you exercise. If you don't feel up to it, it's going to be sunny so a walk outside is a possibility for you.

Have you got dd with you this weekend? Thinking of you.

(You know that the vodka is a depressant, don't you, and can make you worse? Can you keep chocolate or some other treat in the house, to treat yourself too, when you feel down?)