Time to leave

[popsalottle]

I've decided I need to leave my current situation. I can't sit and watch the way my toxic being is affecting those around me. Can anyone advise on the practicalities of this? I don't earn a lot, my partner is the main earner and I assume the council would see me as making myself intentionally homeless if I leave? Also, what do I do with the children, leave them with him (I'm not sure what he would do with them as he works full time etc) or call SS? I'm aware this sounds selfish but I assure you it is in their best interests so no judging please, just practical advice. Thank you

No judging - none at all.

If things are so difficult and if you feel strongly that a separation form your home and family is the only way forward right now, could you consider a temporary separation. Going away to get some peace and space for yourself? Would your DH co-operate?

Do you get support of any kind from any quarter? Have you explored options which leave your family intact (the SS may be of great help to you - that's for sure but your children would surely want to stay at home with at least one parent), which gave you space (it sounds as though you are feeling pretty overwhelmed by things right now) and provided ongoing support for your DH and kids?

What, if you can tell us, makes you think that you are 'toxic'. You come across as thoughtful, bright, caring -
Do you have family to turn to now or good friends?

If temporary is an option then that would be great, I'm just not sure I'd be forgiven by them. I don't have the money to stay in a b&b or anything.

It's my behavior that's toxic and I can see it spreading to the children. I'm so angry, guilty and anxious all the time, I can't bare to be touched so most of the time I say no to cuddles etc. My empathy seems to be in very short supply, I have to think about what I should do if they cry rather than any motherly instinct. I'm afraid I will hurt them or they will get seriously hurt because of my lack of interest. I see the older one behaving the way I do now, she's angry and screaming a lot, mimicking my behavior. I'm not a lot of use to the when crying most of the day and shouting at them in between, I'm not nurturing, I'm damaging.

I can't talk IRL, I don't know why but I just can't figure out how to say this sort of thing out loud. I've been on and off medication for 16 years so I've kinda given up hope of a "cure". I want meds again but literally can't muster the strength to go through the ordeal of the doctors, just thinking about going makes me start to panic. I tried to apply for self referral online as I can write to a stranger much more easily (obviously) but something went wrong so I couldn't log on to it and when I emailed for help they wanted to ring me and I couldn't do it.

Thank you for understanding x

Hi popsalottie

The clarity of your feelings and emotions shines through your post. Such depth of understanding is a fantastically good start in (can I say?) healing and reconciliation with yourself. Hold on to the fact that you have such insight, Try - right now - to focus on your strengths and intelligence and not on all the negativity that's going on for you.

Temporary could be an option and if things were clearly but appropriately explained, forgiveness wouldn't be an issue so much as your family looking forward to your coming home, refreshed.

Sounds like you do to make a concerted effort, in the meantime, to get a really good referral. It often starts with the GP so could you summon up your courage and phone on Monday, asking for a double appointment so you have more time?

Dashing out while the sun is shining but will be back -
Take good care of yourself. x

You don't have to talk to the gp. Write down what you are experiencing, just as eloquently as you did here, and give it to the gp to read. If you see a counsellor (which will be very helpful) then do the same thing. Give them the background, then they can lead the conversation from there which will make things easier for you. Please seek help, you and your family deserve it.

How are you popsalottie?

I hope you're being gentle with yourself. One step at one time.
I think LastingLight's suggestion is really good. Could you write down your thoughts and fears and show them to your GP. Or even show them this thread?

And I also agree that you deserve all the help you can get and so does your family which is clearly very precious to you - and you to them.

I'm feeling ok, dp was home over the weekend which took a lot of strain off and I'm working today but then tomorrow I'm home with the children and that's when my anxiety levels shoot up.
How do I go about counseling? In the grand scheme of things there's nothing "wrong" with me as such. I didn't have a crappy childhood or get beaten or abused. I've never had anything awful happen to we that needs working through. My heads just kind of wired a bit wrong. Are they and good at talking with someone who doesn't know how to talk? Thank you for the help, it's really made a difference having someone to type to. I don't suppose there's such thing as counseling by email, at least to start with?

There is no need for trauma in your background in order to develop a mental health problem - it's an illness and sometimes just appears out of the blue. A good counselor will help you to relax and draw you out so that you will find yourself talking without too much stress.