The day started so well. . .

[mouse26]

Was diagnosed with depression yesterday. I suspect it started a while ago - the dc have been quite stressful for some months, finances haven't been great - but I didn't really notice properly until 2 weeks ago. I've always been prone to worrying, although even my dp hadn't realised to what extent because I don't like to put too much onto other people. Anyway, a couple of weeks ago I lay in bed, not getting to sleep, and started to worry. One of my biggest worries has always been the dc - what if they get seriously ill, or have an accident, or somebody takes them etc etc. Somehow, it warped in my mind - so not only was I worrying about those things, I began to freak out that I might be the cause/the one to do it.

I haven't really slept properly since, I have no appetite, I'm throwing up at least once a day, I'm always on the verge of tears or actually crying. I do the things I'm supposed to do - I get the dc off to school, go to work, do stuff around the house - but it's all like I'm on autopilot. My doctor has prescribed citalopram, but I haven't started taking them yet because my dp works nights and I would rather he were home for the first few days. I plan to start on Sunday. I woke up this morning feeling fairly good though, maybe because I saw the doctor yesterday and I know there is help, but then it was completely shot to bits tonight. The dc started bickering again as soon as I went to put them to bed, then started hitting each other, and I just had a screaming rant at them. Now they're in bed miserable and I'm sitting here sobbing

Sorry for the LONG post, just needed to get it out I think

[mouses]

hi mouse26
cant say I experienced moving legs, sure its not more of a jolt? I used to get the shakes and jolting when I started on ad's.

that's pretty quick to up the strength? they usally leave it months to see how its working, as long as your ok with it.

not had a good few days, today ive slept most of the morning. got no go, no energy... last couple of days ive had a rage burning. kids do one thing wrong and they get it!! heart beats really fast and it takes a while to go back to normal.

was dp day to come over and I took it out on him too :-( what ever 'IT' is!
my house is my giant comfort blanket, ive got myself into a rut with not going out unless its too buy food or needs for the kids. not good.

[mouse26]

Lasting - Glad your mood is ok and hope you get some motivation etc. soon

mouses - Sounds like you've had a horrible few days, I hope you feel better tomorrow and I'm sure your dp understands

I was only on 10mg and she's upped me to 20mg - she seemed to think it was normal after a week but I did wonder myself. I won't take the first 20mg until Sunday so will keep my fingers crossed that it doesn't cause me too many problems.
The leg moving is more just constant muscle ache so I keep moving them to try to make the ache go away, it probably just makes it worse though.
I've had a 'good' day today in that I haven't cried. I managed 6 hours sleep last night. I walked the kids to school this morning and only had a slight panic, it was a relief to get home though. Then dp made me go with him to fetch them at home time and decided to treat them to a happy meal - I spent the whole time moaning at them to hurry up and eat because I could feel myself starting to freak out - my heart started pounding and I just wanted to curl up in a ball and disappear. I'm fine again now I'm home, but now I'm really dreading Monday and the thought of 8 hours in the office I'm sure I'll be fine once I'm there though. Other than that, I have developed 2 huge cold sores overnight, so I am definitely looking very attractive today

[mouses]

im only on 20mg fluoxetine, been on it years now

im on gp/ psych strike so im not taking tem at the mo.... too long a story!...

sure you will be fine on Monday, think it will help you. its good to get out the house or you create a bad habit of staying in and developing a fear of going out.
cold sores... tell me about it! it the stress, my hormones are everywhere nice big ones! looks great perched on my face :-(

all the best x

[mouse26]

Sounds rough for you at the moment mouse xx

I've not been too bad today, worst thing was noticing that I haven't actually bothered to shave my legs for at least a month a couple of weeks. Sleeping for more than a couple of hours a night is making a big difference

[mouses]

yea reading up thread I sound a complete mess!

this is your thread, soz.

well it will make you feel so proud cos I don't bother for months to shave my legs, I never be seen dead in bare legs, lights are off if when dp gets lucky. no one sees them so no point. ;-)

sleep really does make a difference, saying that I was asleep most of yesterday morning and I still felt shit?

xx

[mouse26]

i'm fed up of talking about myself now mouses, I'm really quite boring

unfortunately I am one of those naturally very slightly hairy people, I already have legs hairier than dp, I will probably look like a gorilla before I get round to sorting them out though, I'm much happier slumped on the sofa

[mouses]

yea I get like that, start a thread and then it just seems like I love talking about myself! which is far from it.

well, you win on the hairy legs front.

ive got to get off this sofa and do some kind of keep fit I suppose...

xx

[LastingLight]

Hey you two. ((HUG)) I know that's not done on MN but sometimes it's needed.

[mouse26]

Sometimes it is definitely needed lasting how are you today?

Had my first 20Mg today - don't seem to be getting any worsened side effects as yet so hopefully it will stay that way.

Hope you're feeling a bit better this morning mouses xx

[LastingLight]

I completely lost it with dd yesterday, it was quite an ugly scene, but apart from that the weekend has been nice. Seeing p-doc tomorrow.

[mouse26]

At least you've had a nice weekend I lose it with the DC on an almost daily basis at the moment, but then they have both developed lovely attitude problems recently

[LastingLight]

Unfortunately for us with mh problems our dc very often mirror our state of mind. So the worse we feel, the more they misbehave. It makes family life very, very difficult. DH never takes sides when dd and I have fights although he does try to defuse the situation. Yesterday he let me know that I was out of line.

[mouses]

morns :-)
how you feeling today mouses26? did you find going to work ok?

lasting, like mouse26 I loose it every day with my dc. I completely get the mirroring - I have one son who displays my anger side of mh and my older son cries at drop of a hat... very hard work and theguilt that im responsible fort is crippling!

well I managed to get over Saturdays 'near self destruction' night, dp took me and dd out for dinner so that was nice. I dont usually like eating out or being surrounded by people but I seemed ok with it.

[LastingLight]

The worst thing for me is that I will come up with a strategy for handling the rage - I will go to my room and close the door, or go and sit in my car for a while to cool down. But when I'm in the situation it's like I'm drive like a wind-up toy and just cannot withdraw, I just keep on shouting at dd and she gets more and more worked up in a vicious cycle.

[mouses]

I hear ya, I do it too.

I cant plan nothing cos it can change suddenly due to my mood

[LastingLight]

Mouses that is a classic symptom - not wanting to plan anything ahead. It's such a relief when the treatment works and you realise one day that this is no longer an issue. Hang in there.

Mouse26 how are you doing?

[mouses]

been hanging for years got some one from mh coming weds, she phoned me when i was in my curled up ball of no hope! wasn't really listening, something about home visit therapy?? so many I don't know who's who now? but any how might be the right one this time

they don't even know what my issue is. one min anxiety & depression, next bi-polar, then its not but clinical depression ....

wonder how moue26 got on at work? x

[mouse26]

Hi you two,
This morning was awful, I shouted at my eldest for a stupid reason, than cried, then made myself get dressed and go to work. All morning I felt miserable and panicky dp fetched me at lunch time (I,can't drive yet) & we had a chat and I calmed down a bit so the afternoon at work was slightly better I'll probably cry all over again tomorrow morning though, I wish I could be made redundant or something.

I never really considered it but the kids behaviours have got worse since i've been such a mess, i've asked dp today to try to step in when he thinks I'm being out of order I also managed an apology for my eldest, but I think There'll be a few more of those needed over the next few Weeks

Xx

[mouses]

its good that you got to work maybe have a chat with the eldest, explain that its uncontrollable (if that's how you feel best to explain) if i know im going to have a rage day I apologise in advance lol

hope tomorrow goes abit easier for you

xx

[mouse26]

I was going to try to explain to him but dp says he's already done it I think tomorrow will be slightly easier but I'm already on countdown to the weekend and the idea of slumping on the sofa again

I'm glad you're feeling a bit better mouses

[mouse26]

Hi mouses and lasting - Hope you've both had an ok day today?

As expected, I was not too good this morning, managed to not shout at the kids today though

xx

[mouses]

hi, I guess you just need to get back into the swing of things maybe?
no shouting is good .... I failed at that today.

how are the higher dose of meds going?
im expecting a bollocking tomo off the mh lady who is visiting. as ive stopped mine

hope tomorrow morning is alittle better for you. xx

[mouse26]

I think my job is probably causing some of my issues, I may need to find a new one the higher dose is going surprisingly well, hardly any side effects today and the only reason I didn't shout at the kids is because I've kept out of their ways as much as possible

I was going to wish you luck with your visit tomorrow, instead I'll just say I hope you don't get shouted at too much let us know how it goes?

[LastingLight]

Good morning,
Mouse26 congratulations on not shouting at the kids, even if you had to avoid them.
Mouses why did you stop your meds?

DD and I had a big fight yesterday morning, she was being totally unreasonable about putting on sunblock even though she was going to spend the whole day in the sun on the athletics field. I refused to take her to school then and she sat in the car in the garage. Eventually I said to her I'm going to work and she can sit in my office's parking garage for 5 hours. It then turned out she had in fact put on the sunblock but didn't want to tell me "because she didn't want to be wrong". That could make sense only in a 11 year old's mind.

I'm on Concerta for concentration since yesterday. The p-doc didn't want to describe it because of the typical side effects in people with depression/bipolar - increased irritability and anxiety. I hope to avoid those and just lose my appetite, that I can live with!

[mouses]

if you feel its your job causing the stress then id say you'd be better looking for another?

I avoid my kids to save them ear ache, but then I feel a little guilty that I cant/don't interact with them.

thanks, I guess she'll have a stern word at one point I was clawing at the mh to help now I realise im not really getting any where so i'll just go with the flow with this lady.