I took an OD last night

[dontrunwithscissors]

I've been feeling so low and last night was the final straw. I had the most horrific nightmare. I just don't know how many more times I can go through this. I'm not sure how much I took. Told hubby but he didn't think I needed to go to A and E. I know it was paracetemol, dyhydracodeine and brandy. I've been sleepy/sick today. Just so lost as to what to do next. Sorry I'm rambling--just needed to try to get this out of my head as it's buzzing with so many thoughts.

Thinking of you. Hope you are doing as ok as can be at the moment x

Thank you all. I've just got home from the hospital. I took some more co codamol in the toilets of a & e (duh. I was so distraught) so they treated me---I didn't have any choice by that time. They've agreed to let me home and review it on a day by day basis. It's nice to be home, but already struggling a bit with the hustle and bustle of the kids. At least the agitation and racing thoughts are staying away. DH is being a star. Thanks for your support

I'm glad you're home, do look after yourself.

Take it easy, it's great that your DH is so supportive.

Thanks. I don't know whether I can do this. I don't know whether I can hold it all together. It's so terribly hard right now.

((HUG))
Hang in there and if things get too much, go back to the hospital.

Thinking of you x

Thinking of you. Please keep going, you are clearly loved and they need you too xxx

Thanks you. The acute response team have just visited and are back tomorrow. They were helpful. My thinking is so muddled right now. I feel destined to kill myself and that it will solve all the problems and eliminate the evil I am carrying around. But it doesn't fully make sense. I don't know what's so bad that I've done. Very confused.

I am glad you are having the support from the response team scissors

Just keep holding on, it will get better, you are not destined to die. I used to think I was but I only felt like that because I was unwell, you are unwell and as you start to feel better you might feel clearer about what is happening.

Have they upped your psych meds to help?

Take care

Yes, they've upped my med's, but I'm suspicious at the moment that they're trying to stop me seeing the 'real' destiny that I have of getting to the train station. I'm still managing to take the regular med's, but not the increased amount. How can I know whether they're blocking out the 'real' thoughts and stopping me from getting on? I'm wondering whether I need to be in hospital, ring the acute response team, run out the house, or what.

You're doing so well so far. You went to the hospital and you were treated, and that's a great step.

If you're wondering which of those options to do, the answer is probably that you need to be in hospital.

Your family love you and need you. We can all promise you that their life will not be better without you in it. Keep talking to people and being honest, but I would urge you to think about going to hospital.

You did so amazingly well to manage when you were in the States and get home to your family. Remember how strong you were then. You can do it this time too x

Thank you. I'm trying to believe this. I've just told my DH all of what I'm thinking and feeling. I don't think he knows what to do or think. I have a whole day on my own tomorrow, bar the acute response team in the AM.

If they think you need to go to hospital then maybe go with it? It might help x

When you see the response team can they help you make a plan to get through the day safely?

Thinking of you

Yes, I hope so. DH is ringing me every hour. Just taking it ten mins at a time--making a deal with myself I have to wait ten mins before running out the door and then wait ten more mins before leaving. It's hard work. Thanks fluffy. How are you?

Ten minutes at a time sounds like a good plan, just take it step by step.

How are you feeling today?

I am fine, thanks for asking :)

I've just seen the acute response people--they have a pdoc attached to them now. They're coming back this afternoon. I have a course down in London that I desperately want to go to, but they think I shouldn't. I don't know what to do.Physically, I haven't got a clue how I'd make the journey, but it's really, really important to me. I figure I made it all the way through the trip and back to America last year so I can do a couple of nights in London. I don't know. FAilure isn't an option.

You need to take a step back and assess this very carefully. Maybe you will survive a couple of nights in London but will you be in any fit state to get something meaningful from the course? Is it really something that you need to do right now? You are ill and need treatment... if you had a broken leg you wouldn't be considering travelling to a course. I'm glad you are getting help. Take care of yourself.

I've emailed the course leader to ask about the potential impact of not going. It's really important to me--I'm one of 5 people selected nationally by the research council for this training. It's not just any old course. But right now I don't know how I'd get out of the front door, let alone make my way through London. But I think I could do it if I really set my mind to it. I'll see what the consequences might be. Thanks for your thoughts. The broken leg analogy is exactly the one the pdoc used.

I think you know that you need to cancel going to the training but I can understand how hard that must be for you.

I think staying at home and accepting all the support you can get will be much more beneficial for your health.

I hope your afternoon appointment was ok.

I've withdrawn from the course and they seem OK about it. The Acute Response Team pdoc is coming at 9.30 tomorrow and have a suspicion that, if I were to tell her I'm going to London, she'll section me. Anyway, I'm not. Feeling really fVcked off about everything. I just want to be well and normal.

Good luck with the pdoc. Tell her exactly how you feel and let her help you. I know that terrible feeling that you have fucked up and can never put all the pieces together again. It's a lie that your illness tells you. Hang in there.