Literally been in tears reading this post.
I had my ds 6 months ago, the pregnancy was awful, I had a cervical cancer scare and was convinced that dh was going to die before the birth. There was an incident where there was a motorway crash in the bad snowy weather and we did the same route but 15 mins apart, the crash was where he would have been if that makes sense. I knew it was a similar vehicle and in the middle of a huge traffic jam had a massive panic attack. I literally mourned his death in those 40 mins where I couldn't get hold of him. Thankfully it wasn't.
I can't say what's been a trigger, I don't necessarily think it was the cancer scare, me and dh were made redundant within a week of each other. We had sold our house but hadn't found another so were effectively homeless until a week after the baby was born.
This culminated in the birth of ds. I had a placental abruption. I had convinced myself I was going to die in labour so I genuinely thought that was it.
Now I panic all the time, at least 6 times a day the thought of me and/or dh dying occurs and I then get anxiety for what would happen to ds. I'm convinced that there's something wrong with me because I don't feel right, headaches, dizzy, tiredness. You know general new mum niggles that I've turned into life threatening illnesses.
It's funny because my dh has been really arsey (not really anything new) but then I keep thinking its a tumor!!!
Sorry for the war and peace post but it's been a bit of a release to see that this is something and that I'm not alone and drowning in a sea of bloody death thoughts.