Problems with ds not looking after himself and dh not wanting to get him help

[dhisaconspiracytheorist]

ds has dropped out of uni and has spent a year at home. He has not signed on so just sponging off us. He went out with dh last night and I went in his room to get washing. It was squalid. Moth lavae in clothes and the carpet, wet towels, rubbish and plates and cups.
He came back and felt that his space had been invaded. We had words and I said keeping carpet clean is non negotiable as condition of living here. He stomped off to the river and I asked dh to follow him, take his phone and call police. Dh eventually went but came back without finding ds and refused to call police. ds came back later and I got out of the way. This is getting long, sorry. dh slept on the sofa. Back story = I work full time and dh doesn't. We have had major rows about cleaning as I do not have enough free time at the weekend to do it all. Dh won't let me get a cleaner. I want to get professional help for ds but dh doesn't. What can I do?

Sorry but I see red when hearing the words 'DH won't let me...' Get the professional help, get the cleaner and sod what DH will 'let' you do.

Move out and leave them to it??

They sound as bad as each other to be honest. Both are taking you for granted.

Have you tried talking to your son calmly, not about housework etc.. what does he want to do for the future?

Well I've raised three sons and two were also dirty and had smelly rooms but I still expect a room in my home to be at least habitable. They could be as messy as they liked but when it comes down to moth larvae if draw a massive line.
Why does your dh get to make all the bloody rules?
I also wouldn't be paying for cleaners when there are two grown men sat on their arses.

Trouble is that I'm out at work and dh and ds are in (usually) so they wouldn't let the cleaner in! I have tried talking about options for the future to ds, and sometimes he is positive but he has not followed through yet. I've told him that I would like him to do a short course and to learn to drive and also to get his passport so that he could spend some time travelling, but no progress as yet.

I also have two dds, one still at home and I don't want to move out. Dh is good at some things, like washing clothes, but obviously he has not been noticing that ds has not been putting his in the wash.
I don't know where to start getting ds help. He thinks there are no jobs and is very down, and hasn't tried applying for anything to my knowledge.

xpost ledkr. Moths are a massive line for me.

Agree with a PP. Two grown men home all day (not to mention DD) and the place is still a mess? DS sounds like he needs intervention and micro management. Daily room inspections, daily progress reports on job applications, daily list of chores to complete. He will complain like hell about intrusion of privacy or whatever but that's the only way you're going to motivate him to get out.. make life a lot less cosy. DH has to either support this or shut up.

How old is your DS? Could he be ill or have a drug problem? Dropping out of uni, self-neglect, withdrawing could be no more than existential angst/ laziness...but could be something more. The fact you wanted to call the police suggests maybe you feel there's something serious happening?

Why doesn't your dh work?

Surely you are never going to get ds into real life while his dad is also avoiding?

Also why does dh get to dictate everything despite doing nothing?

I'd say your ds would stand a much better chance of living life if you kicked dh out!

Have you explained your expectations to ds or is this as it has always been ? If he is at home he can do chores and keep his room sanitary - make a checklist for him if needs be. On a different note why hasn't he signed on and what efforts if any does he make to get out of the rut? Is he clueless , depressed, too comfortable, unmotivated ? Likewise dh needs to pull his weight . However cleaning doesn't need to take that long , what takes up so much of your weekend that you can't manage basics.

I didn't say dh doesn't work. He just doesn't work full time.

LIZS. I've tried. Dh doesn't support me with the chores thing as he finds it easier to do things himself than ask ds. He tried to sign on but couldn't manage to do it. I think he is depressed.

As far as me not managing basics goes, Ds not letting me in his room and having two grown men sat on there arses as ledkr said. I am also away a lot of weekends looking after my mum who is bedbound. I can't manage the basics, I've admitted that. I don't want to spend my rare weekends cleaning up after them and would rather pay a cleaner, so there.

You can ask your GP to pay a house-call if you think DS is depressed.

How is your relationship with your dh?

how old is ds and why did he drop out ? If you're away then a quick wipe of the kitchen , toilets and hoover shouldn't be beyond 2 grown men

I see but still, ds likely taking his lead from your dh. Would be unsurprised if your dds are go getters as taking example from you.

Living like this must be really horrible for ds. I have sympathy as was very depressed as a teen (younger than him). My problem was abusive parents who were crushing my self-esteem/hope but never had moths in me bedroom! Think getting help for your ds is the only way, you need to work out what is causing his lack of hope.

Still think dh is a problem though. Sitting around doing nothing but expecting to be the boss.

ds is 21. He dropped out because he chose the wrong uni, didn't bond with the other students in his house and withdrew into his room and didn't tell us for months... Lecturer told me his work at the start was really good so that was not the problem.

dds are go getters

Dh has put some washing in, brought me a coffee in bed but will not engage to talk about ds. I don't know how our relationship is, not brilliant I suppose. It would be much better if he agreed with me over ds!

Do you know why he won't talk about your ds?

Probably because we always disagree. I want him to be much tougher with him, dh is much softer...

You say you're trying to encourage him to go travelling, who is going to fund that? Please don't say you.

He needs to stand on his own two feet. Does he have friends, a social life? Would he consider a part time job in a bar or retail while doing some sort of course? Bar work particularly would boost his confidence and get him to meet some new people.

He would fund his own travelling out of an inheritance. I thought it would make him grow up and go some way to filling gaping hole in cv. He doesn't have a social life other than saturday outings with dh to play games. Friends have drifted away. Part time jobs are hard to come by around here (think depressed northern town) although I did suggest when Christmas recruiting was happening last month. I've also suggested trip to volunteers centre.

Thanks for all the replies, this is helping me think. Off for a swim for an hour.

I have some experience of a similar situation as my brother has now been living at home for nearly four years and in that time has never signed on. My parents had their heads in the sand about it (long backstory) and he had basically been left to his own devices. I think he'd had a breakdown of sorts before he moved back home but this was never talked about. He has severe anxiety in certain situations.

I got fed up with my mum complaining about the situation but doing nothing about it so I told her to make him an appointment with the GP to go on ADs. He did for a while and then came off them, saying he didn't like the way they made him feel numb. Cue two more years of him spending all his time in his room, doing next to nothing around the house, mum and dad giving him money. I asked him if he was applying for jobs and he said he hadn't seen anything locally. This is bullshit, there are hundreds of jobs in our neck of the woods. I'd had enough again so I told her to make another GPs appt and get him back on the ADs, which has now happened. I also got on to a local place about volunteering, sent him the info and told him I'd be on his case until he sent them the forms. He's now done that and I'm hoping the routine of going once a week and interacting with new people will help him. My parents are pleased but to be honest this should have happened as soon as he moved back.

Anyway, upshot of this is: make him an appointment at the GP and get him prescribed with ADs or beta blockers or whatever he needs. Then give him a list of jobs around the house, nothing too onerous, but with deadlines. I firmly believe that someone's self-worth is dependent on them feeling like they're making a useful contribution, even if it is just ticking off a load of housework tasks that someone else has asked them to do.

TBH, OP, it sounds like your DH is taking advantage of you being rushed off your feet to shirk his responsibilities. Time for a shape up or ship out talk methinks.

shape up or ship out talk to ds, or to dh, or to both?

I did buy a magnetic white board for the fridge a few months back and write a list of jobs on it but it disappeared. Maybe time to get a bigger one and nail it to the wall...