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Mental health

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Original poster

What do I do now?

70 replies

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 22:14

I rely on mn too much, but I've no one else I can be honest with. I've felt very bad this week, the worse I have felt for a while. Kind of knew tonight was going to be risky, on my own, been with people from school who I get paranoid around. I feel judged, I knew I would but took the risk and went out. It was a school night out, and I made things worse by just walking out!

I suddenly got overwhelmed, couldn't stand it and left. Texted friends with lame excuses. But now I'm on my own not feeling safe and never wanting to see them again.

I feel this whole week has been a blur, my life seems unreal. I want to tie something over the banisters. This isn't an impulsive thought, I've been researching knots this week. I know I should tell someone in RL, or go to bed, or think of others etc, etc. but no one knows how long I've been fighting to stay alive. How long are people meant to fight it? It's no fun for me or anyone around me.

OP posts:

Queenofknickers · 27/09/2013 22:25

Sorry to hear you feel like this. I've been having similar thoughts but we mustn't do it, we really mustn't, this will pass - here's a hand to hold

Queenofknickers · 27/09/2013 22:29

Are you there? I'm worried about you...

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 22:31

Firstly it sounded like a panic attack, it will pass, these things are self limiting (or at least thats what my counsellor told me!)

The suicidal thoughts are dangerous and you NEED medical help, you need to talk to someone - call the samaritans or if you really don't feel safe get emergency medical help NOW!

You have to fight it until you get the help you need to feel better - for YOU. I've been there, thinking about walking in front of a train, visualising it, imagining how it would feel etc - but you know what, im doing ok now - life isn't perfect, but im going to be OK. Im going to be OK!

You can get through this - I am on medication and i have counselling, i feel better. You just have to get through to the other side of those thoughts.

Holding your hand too - and queen of knickers, you hold on too x

Queenofknickers · 27/09/2013 22:33

Thanks, LEM xxx

Original poster

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 22:34

Yeah I just don't really know what to do. I don't want to go to bed, watch tv, read a book. I just feel that's prolonging it. I've tried contacting a friend but no luck, I suppose it was to see if there was any help and someone to talk to. But I feel like its fate she's not there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 22:38

I'm on meds and had/having counselling but maybe it's not meant to be. Just for me though, I know it's helped a lot of people. Makes me feel useless I'm one of the failures. Therapy this week was a disaster.

Tonight I thought I'd get through it, but my stomacj and chest pains got unbearable, then I just couldn't go back it.

OP posts:

Queenofknickers · 27/09/2013 22:39

It's not fate, that's your brain giving you trouble. It isn't working well when we feel like this and comes up with evidence for things that aren't true. Do you feel like you could sleep? Do you have meds?

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 22:41

But we are here!! Can you tell us a little bit more do you think? Or could you phone the samaritans, there will be someone who can listen and talk to you there? The Samaritans You could call them now.

Queenofknickers · 27/09/2013 22:42

Have you got children OP? Can you hold on for them? Therapy takes time but it can work - you can't fail at therapy, it just might take time. We've got to keep on keeping on iyswim

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 22:43

Anxiety is a bastard - you say therapy this week was a disaster, i can relate to that, last week i went to my counselling and it was awful, i felt like i had been hit by a truck, but it was actually really positive - I cried, we both cried actually Im not sure you are supposed to make the counsellor cry! But this week has felt better. Not brilliant, but better.

What meds are you on, how long have you been taking them?

Original poster

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 22:58

I want to do it but I'm scared. I can't go into detail but I'm now sat shaking on the stairs.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 23:03

Please call someone, if you call someone you don't have to be scared - i really feel you will benefit from talking to someone. We can all offer you support on here, but you are scared and need a voice - the samaritans will listen.

Do you have family?

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 23:04

Your name suggests you have children - What got me over my thoughts of suicide was the thought of my DDs visiting my grave, i know that sounds harsh but that was just such an unbearable thought and vision. You don't want that for your children - they will never EVER get over it. They love you, you are their mummy

Original poster

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 23:07

This sounds bad, but I know of a young mums grave full of lovely things, and I think it can be a place of nice memories, rather than living in a nightmare.

OP posts:

Original poster

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 23:10

I've started to ring out of hours three times and hung up. And Samaritans, I don't know what they can do, they'll say what I've heard before.

OP posts:

Sijeunessesavait · 27/09/2013 23:13

MuM - please call someone now: your crisis team, the Samaritans ... anyone you can talk to while you go through this. We are here for you and want you to stay xx

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 23:16

Your children don't want memories, they want you!! My cousin lost his dad to suicide, he has had to deal with the fall out from that for the rest of his life, he has had several stays in psychiatric hospital. Please don't think that this is in any way a good thing for your children.

The samaritans cannot give you the answers but they can get you through tonight.

What meds are you on, how long have you been taking them - this is an important question as some medication can increase the incidence of suicidal thougts.

How can we help you? Tell us something, please.........

Original poster

Messupmum · 27/09/2013 23:19

I've felt like this on meds, off meds, tried lots of different types. I stopped a few weeks ago, not really on purpose, just didn't bother. Felt on a high for a bit, then really really agitated. I can't admit to anyone, they'd be furious.

OP posts:

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 23:19

Call the samaritans, you don't even have to say anything if you don't want to - they can talk to you. Can you go and put the TV on, im not sure there is anything on, DP is watching some shitty action film but maybe there is something easy to watch?

LEMisdisappointed · 27/09/2013 23:22

OK, so you had a gap with your meds, have you started back on them?

This is probably one of the reasons why you are feeling so shitty just now. Its not about being furious, its about getting you through. I am on citalopram and when i started taking them this time around i felt awful, suicidal, and my Dr gave me some diazepam to help with that and I had access to a crisis team. It was temporary and now they are working again - i do forget to take them from time to time but they are in your system for a good few days before you notice any withdrawal.

If its your meds that are making you feel this way because you have gone abit astray with them, then you can feel better, give it time, and it will settle down. This is positive - focus on that.

Sijeunessesavait · 27/09/2013 23:41

Dear MuM

I have to go to bed now but will be back in the morning. You have been doing so well, I don't think you really want to give up now. Posting here is a sign that you are still reaching out and acknowledging your feelings. That's good. You will get through this. Lots of people here will help you.

Try to take some deep breaths. Count to 7 as you breathe in, count to 11 as you breathe out. You will feel yourself calming down.

Stay safe xx

cjel · 28/09/2013 00:00

Hello Mum, Are you still sitting on the stairs?

Original poster

Messupmum · 28/09/2013 00:02

Someone's coming to assess me. I'd rather end it than put my family through this again

OP posts:

HoopHopes · 28/09/2013 00:02

Hi perhaps stopping this meds might be a reason why things are that little bit harder or you are struggling a but more than you were? Could you be kind to yourself and try starting medication again? Telling your dr or whoever you see that you stopped meds and that things have got no better is a good place to start. Medical people are totally used to it, it is not just you and they can suggest you starting again. So hopefully in a few weeks things may be a bit more bearable.

Sorry tough night. Samaritans is a todo idea. You got nothing to lose by phoning them, and they can offer a safe space to offload and hear a kind voice which can often help in itself.

HoopHopes · 28/09/2013 00:04

Oh, therapy is often a disaster by the way. It is normal for it to be like that for people who struggle. Because it takes time for it to help and things can get that bit harder before they get better. It was once explained to be by a therapist as four stages of recovery and the second stage was particularly hard but worth pushing through.

Can you tell your support people on Monday about how the therapy was for you and for them to explain it to you or to help you.

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