please help me

[slippingintodarkness]

i'm at home alone with my children and i can't cope with them any more. i'm so scared.

Have you got someone you can call?

no. i can't tell anyone in real life. i'm fucking my children up so badly. i just want to go to sleep and never wake up. i'm shaking.

Contact your local out of hours GP, or A&E.

What snowy said. It's important you reach out to someone asap.

Holding your hand, OP.

i don't have a gp. we're not in the uk. we've only just moved here. please just talk to me, about anything. help me pull myself together. my children are just babies and i feel like the oldest hates me already because i'm a failure of a mother.

Yes, handholding here too.

Although you are shaking and scared, there are people here ready to give you the support for you to make that call to a professional.

If you're worrying that much about your kids and how you are bringing them up it means you're not a crap mother - it means you care about them deeply and you're doing everything you can.

Why did you move? Do you have a DP/DH?

You poor thing, what a horrible feeling to have. Your kids love you, even tho right now you're doubting that.

Can you try to hang onto the fact that all your awful feelings are just feelings? No matter how overwhelming they seem.

we moved for dh's work. he's there right now. he has no idea, he thinks everything is fine. i'm so worried about my son. he won't listen to me or look at me. i smacked him for the first time today. he's only 2. shit shit shit.

Everyone but everyone has terrible moments and dark nights of the soul. You are not alone. We (well I know I do) know what it's like.

If you do controlled breathing for three minutes, you will calm your poor exhausted worried head down. In for 5 beats, pause for 5, out for 5. Pause and repeat.

I am here doing it with you if that helps.

Smacking a 2 year old is not going to do him lasting harm. So don't beat yourself up - it's all right. Two year olds are notorious for not listening to people - that is all right too.

You might be scared to broach the misery with your DH but the earth will not fall in if you do.

What time is it where you are?

now i'm crying. i don't deserve your kindness.

i feel so trapped. i know i need to speak to the doctor but i can't cope with making the arrangements; phoning around, calling insurance company, making appointments.

i'm just so far from where i want to be. it's just getting worse.

We all doubt our parenting decisions, I've certainly done things I'm not proud of. Two is a really difficult age, I'm not surprised he isn't listening to you, that is not unusual at all. You can start again tomorrow, all will be forgotten.

You do need to say something to your husband so he can help. Is there something preventing you from talking to him?

it's 1.40pm here.

I'm so sorry, I've had moments a bit like this. Life with 2 small kids can be really tough sometimes.

How far away is dh? If you really can't cope can you call and ask him to come home early? I've done that in the past- I didn't like to but his boss knew I had PND (and is a dad too) so it was fine.

Toddlers are designed to test their parents! All the love you poured on them as helpless babies is repaid with tantrums, shouting and resistance to logic.

You must be a good mother because you are concerned about the way you react to your children.

A 2 yo will only remember a smack if it is a regular occurrence. If you feel awful about it you'll think twice before doing it again.

You do need to share your worries with your DH though.

Yes, you do deserve kindness but I can get you feeling that you don't, that's a sign of tiredness.

I get the feeling trapped thing, also I know what a mammoth effort these things can seem like when one is under the weather. And you have done so much lately - moving etc etc, and with a toddler, that's a whole world of being busy.

Keep doing slow breathing - it works. Remember you're not under any pressure to make an appt today, for a start. When DH coming back?

Don't be sorry for anything!
It's important that you get some help and support, you deserve it.
Do you feel like you can talk to your DH about this?
Can you phone someone from home?

Keep talking to us x

Ok, it's the middle of the day. Have you had lunch? Important things first, you see.

When was the last time you had a decent night's sleep?

If you feel like it, eggs and bananas are always good to eat in the bad times.

dh works so hard and i can't be a burden to him.

now the baby is crying and won't stop.

Sorry, late to the conversation, there is some good advice here.

how are you?

Yes, and I'm sure DH wants to know how you are too. One can work and be a human being and good partner, most people want to be both those things. Don't worry about telling him - he will want to know.

See what DC wants and come back, we are here.

Has the baby got a favourite cuddly toy? Can you take it to a window and distract it by talking about passing cars etc? Or does it need a feed?

it? OP is it possible to call DH?