PND

[Koalagone]

I was advised to post here after posting in parenting, and I saw my GP on Friday who told me it was likely I have PND so I thought it might help.

I don't really know how to lead in gently so I'm just going to try and get it out as best I can. I have a month old DS, my first child, and I haven't bonded with him at all. I look at him and I feel at best nothing and at worst annoyance/frustration/trapped. My DP is clearly entirely in love with him, my best friend and his godmother adores him and I just feel so awful and inadequate. I can't seem to bring myself to even try to interact with him in a maternal way, I look after him but I always feel detached. I know I should smile at him and talk but it's like I physically can't bring myself to.

I've considered leaving a lot over the past couple of weeks. I feel like he'd be better off without me, he'd be much happier if he had a mother figure who was any good at being a mother rather than someone who feels nothing towards him and is doing it all because she has to. I had to stop breastfeeding because I just couldn't bear it anymore, and I feel now like he really doesn't need me anymore so I could go. I just want to leave. I know that's terrible and awful.

I'm not fully sure why I'm posting... I think because I don't know how to explain this to DH and I need to let it out somehow.

DS is 6 weeks old now, so it would be two weeks, but I still see your point. It does feel like forever when I'm sat here thinking about it. GP seemed pretty firm that he didn't want to prescribe before that point so at the time it seemed logical and sensible... But now I'm wondering if it was the right decision. I selfharmed when I was up with DS last night, he was safe in his moses basket he'd already fallen asleep again, and I feel like I'm slowly spiralling out of control completely.

I begged DH to take him for a walk when he woke up this morning after he'd had his bottle and nappy done, it's horrible that I pushed them out of the house before 8am but I couldn't face the crying.

Hi, I am a former PND sufferer so a lot of what you say makes sense. Is there any chance that you health visiting team can come to see you? Mine came out a couple of times a week in my most challenging stage. They used to talk to me, reassure my that DS was doing well (I had OCD which needed the reassurance.).

If you are self harming I think you health care team need to know that. I know it is hard to come out and say it, perhaps show them your post on here if you can't say the words? I know that I used to hide the worst of how I felt, but would not encourage anyone to do the same.

PND is horrid, an illness caused purely by imbalanced hormones. It will pass, you will emerge stronger. Thinking of you.

I feel like if I let the HV know how bad I am then they'll want to lock me up away from my baby. Which is silly because I want to leave him the majority of the time but I don't want to be taken away from him. And harming feels like I crossed a line somehow, and they'll worry that I'd hurt the baby.

you need some reassurance.the aim is support you with new baby,progress to recovery
there are various treatment options and community team.do confide in hv or gp
pnd is a v treatable illness,with right support,although might not seem it now

I know what you are saying about not wanting people to split up you and the baby. However, this is absolutely the last thing anyone wants to do. The fact that you want to be with the baby is a good thing, as it shows that you are making a bond- although you may not feel that way yet.

I had many horrible thoughts during my illness, so I truly know what lies at the bottom of my own black pit, but I always knew I would never hurt my child. I think that is more common that many soap operas show, your health care team will have seen it all before. They will understand and help in any way they can. Please try to tell them how you feel.

Still keeping you in my thoughts OP.

Hi Koala,

I don't know what you are having but please remember that there are a very significant number of people who have seriously scary thoughts about harming themselves, their children or others because of this illness.

The time to worry about the thoughts and to seek urgent medical help (e.g. 999) is if you start to feel that you WANT to hurt yourself or your baby or anyone else. However, this is still illness... it classes as a medical emergency, not a reason to take a baby away and if it did come to a medical emergency, you would be a priority to access specialist mother-baby care where you could be supported and helped back to wellness with your baby alongside with additional support and help at this awful time.

For what it's worth, your GP is actually talking out of his arse about the medication and it is not helpful or informed for him to take this line. I have been under the care of a specialist perinatal mental health service since the middle of my pregnancy and was on medication from the day I gave birth. I dread to think what I'd have sunk to without it. It isn't like popping a pill and then you magically get better, it is a crutch to aid you back to wellness and it very often requires a bit of tinkering with dosage etc in order to get you feeling better. There is absolutely no benefit whatsoever in waiting.

Can you talk to your dp about this? It helped us to be able to access specialist care. Ask your GP or HV about this.

Congratulations on your new baby.
I have been in your shoes and it was not love and 'bonding' at first sight. It took a whole (complicated preg and horrible birth) lot of time for me to start making eye contact!
You are lucky in many ways as you seem to have a good Gp, you are reaching out for help and support and hopefully getting some.
Take one day at a time.
Medication helps and it's not a negative if it makes you better.
Getting out of the house and away from baby for short periods of times also helps.
It will get better I promise you. Babies nap a lot and their smiles and behaviour is linked to the adults only much later. Don't read too much into it!

Take care and be kind to yourself!!

I spent a day away from the baby this week. It would have been my mums birthday and I always like to go and visit her grave. It's a long drive so DH and I decided it was better if he stayed home with the baby. I felt better away, but there was almost a layer of paranoia attached, I was worried that everyone would think I was awful for leaving my baby at all and they'd all think I wasn't going back. Completely irrational I know.

I have my GP appointment tomorrow. I'm going to ask for medication and some serious help because I can't go on like this without some help. My negative thoughts are multiplying and I can't hide them anymore. Everyone is noticing now, I'm trying so hard to hide it but I can't. They can tell by the way I am with DS and they are commenting. All the "Are you okay Koala? Are you coping?" questions that I can't answer. I know it's not healthy to be like this, for me or for DS. I do care I think. Somewhere I do care about him, I just don't want him to bond to me and then something to happen so he doesn't have me anymore. I don't want him to have to lose his mum.