Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

BT - I'm so sorry to read that. I've only read your first post - I'm going to read the rest now.

Hello again BT (I'm the one with the naughty 6 yr old you were advising me on ... (he's still naughty)). You haven't started counselling yet, you have to give that a chance, because it will make such a difference.

Hello BengalTiger, hopefully you'll have had a good night of sleep by the time you read this. I've just seen your thread. I was heartened by your middle posts and then so sad for you and your mum to hear what happened. But ironically, it could be what you needed to experience, in order to move forward. This is rock bottom and as bad as it's ever going to get for you.

There's no quick fix for what you're going through. Maybe you feel like ending it all will be the quick fix but that would be like amputating a broken leg.

Part of you is broken and still in pain from losing your father. You haven't got the traditional relationship with your mother to fall back on, as much as she is trying to make up for it, you had already learned to live with the loss of your mother when you were younger. And now it might feel too much for you to have to live with the loss of your father. In some ways, sounds like your father was both a mother and a father for you. Your mother is there for you now and you both love each other but your head and heart need to get used to having a "new" mother.

This will be a marathon not a sprint. Please take it step by step.

A few pills and some therapy will not flick the switch. It will take time but you will get there. Commit to the treatment. Tell yourself that no matter how desolate you may feel, you will give yourself a certain period of time, say a month or two to focus on getting through life day by day, without any expectation and mark each day off, keep a journal. In some ways this thread is a journal, commit to reporting how you feel every day whether it's here or in private. Hopefully in that time, things will start to turn around as treatment kicks in, at the very least the medication.

Don't worry about your exams, it can all go on hold, be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You are a hurt, sad soul, you wanted to stop the hurt and you didn't know how else. But you will find a way. You need to hit ground zero before you can rise from your ashes. Going to the doctors, getting some medication and starting therapy won't work overnight, they are the cast that your heart needs to heal, they will help but gradually.

You have a talent. You are eloquent and articulate. Write your way out of your despair. It could be your destiny. I think we can all see, what you can't see, a very special, unique young person who has the potential to make a big difference. People want to hear your story and follow you on your journey. Stay on that journey. There are very few 16 year olds who can express themselves with your quality of writing. Out of bad situations, good things can come. And good things will come.

You might be feeling guilty now about what's happened and how your mum's feeling. I suspect your mum feels guilty about what's happened in the past and her tears are probably as much guilt based as they are of sadness about what you're going through. Perhaps you haven't forgiven her for abandoning you.

My mum says, guilt can be a good thing because it can help make us change our behaviour. I'm probably straying into areas that really need to be addressed with a therapist but maybe, as part of the process, you can both convert any guilt into good energy and start over. Wishing you the very best and hope to hear more about how you get on.

Sorry, me again; one day, I'll get all my thoughts into one post. I've been checking on your thread, but I thought your absence was because you'd discovered the Student Room.

Anti-depressants take a couple of weeks to work, and counselling will take weeks to work too. You need to hang on in there, however hard it is, because you can get there.

Your mum having left at such a young age is a massive thing to deal with and I understand why you are feeling all this. There's probably a massive amount of supressed anger and other horrible emotions bubbling around in your head - but you really need a professional to help you sort those out. Take care.

BT you could also check this site
www.thecalmzone.net/

They are really good: it's for young men.

Hi Bengal, just checking in to see how you feel this morning. Thinking of you and your mum today. So glad you are going to your therapy appointment - it might be that for now you are doing it for someone else, but after a few sessions this might well change as it starts to help you.
Keep writing!

BengalTiger, you are so brave and despite not knowing you, except through your remarkably eloquent posts, I feel that in some small way I do. You are the person who cares about how people feel. You are the person who even in your pain can take the time to listen to others and respond with understanding and compassion. You are the person who knows that the darkest times are not all there is, even when every fibre of you is screaming the opposite.

Keep talking with us and give yourself the same love you are showing to the world. You did not cause this pain and you do not deserve to be consumed by it. You have made so many independent decisions to gain help for yourself, make another one to stick with the help that has been offered and allow other people to take responsibility for relieving you of your pain. As was said up thread, your job is to protect the person that everyone is trying to help, to be gentle with yourself, to keep yourself safe and with those who love you.

We are here and we want you to become safe in the knowledge that you are valuable to your family and to the world.

Also checking in BT. As Homebird says, your compassion towards others shines through in your posts. I hope your treatment will teach you to direct that inwards too.

I'm sure it is probably much easier said than done, but if you feel a compulsion to end things again, try and talk to your mum, call the Samaritans, or come on here x

just read this thread, bengalTiger. You are an incredible individual. Like many on here, I suffered depression as a teenager & made attempts on my life.
I am now 42, and the proud mum of two.
You have a wicked, wicked illness, BT. but that's what it is: an illness. This voice you hear, and the negative thoughts you have are all parts of the illness.
you are incredibly strong - you came on here, you rang the Samaritans, you told your mum (who also sounds fantastic). you will get through this. this episode in your life will become 'in the past'. When I look back over my life, although I have had low times, I am so grateful that I have lived all these years; that my suicide attempts didn't work. You will feel this, believe me.
big, big hugs xxx

@ Cheeseand pinapple - Thank you for taking the time to post such an informative message.

When my mum came back when I was 14, I admit that I was really uncomfortable and scared. You're right - I'd learned to live without her. I feel so bad by saying this but the way I dealt with how she left after a few years (when my age turned to double digits) was that she didn't exist. Like I never had a mother in the first place. My mind just blanked out any thoughts of her and when she came back, opening back up was a daunting thought. I don't know - I'm not an expert when it comes to physchology but I've always found it strange that I've never been angry for what she did. Well, maybe on the surface. Maybe deeper I'm angry. I don't know. It's more confusing than algebra.

You're right about my mum feeling that all this is her fault. She told me and she keeps apologising. I feel really bad about it because it's not her fault. It's just me and my messed up issues. You're also right about it being a marathon not a sprint, which sucks, because I've always been a sprinter when it comes to athletics. I guess the same can be said by the way I deal with this. Just wanna rush through them. The only thing I can say I have patience for is when I'm writing something creative. With that I can accept that it takes time to produce a screenplay or a book, but not with everything else for some reason.

Writing has actually helped. It kind feels carthatic when I'm writing down how I feel. Even though sometimes it hurts. I think I might do it more.

I had a pretty good day today though. Me and my mum went for a walk. It was nice to be outside. Also had a kickabout in the garden. Kinda made me feel fresh.

@ Eliza - Hey. Nice to hear from you again. I hope the counselling works. I'm not really enthuiastic about it but I'm gonna do it. I hope it helps. In a way I'm just tired of feeling like this. It's exhausting, particularly that feeling I feel in the morning. Mornings are the worst. When I tried to hang myself it was in the morning, minutes after I'd gotten up. I just want that feeling to go away.

Thank you for your wonderful words. They make me smile.

@ TD - Cheers for the link. I'll check it out.

@ Homebird - Thanks for the lovely words. I wish I did see myself in the way you and others here see me. I hope one day that I will. I guess sometimes I think too much. Like I always think of alternatives. If my parents hadn't had me when they were 18, maybe my dad would still be alive today because he wouldn't have worked himself so hard throughout my life and maybe my mum would've had a better relationship with her parents before they died. I always think about stuff like that and it drives me mad.

Hopefully counselling and ADs will stop all that. But like someone else said, it's a marathon not a sprint. I have to learn that.

Thanks again for helping me so much. I find solace in writing down how I feel on this site.

@ RedAdmiral - The fact that you once went through what I have and made it gives me some hope. I always feel that getting past this and something in the future isn't attainable. But your story illustrates that it is. Thank you for your lovely words, for posting and for giving me hope.

@Wicked - Hey. Thanks for checking in. I've had a pretty good day. I went for a walk and had a kickabout in the garden. Being outside and active has a nice effect on me.

So glad you had a sleep and a kick about.

One thing has just jumped out at me about mornings being worse.

Low blood sugar can often make depressive feelings worse. Do you eat first thing?

Can you attempt to get some protein and a glass of milk or OJ down you when you wake? Toast and peanut butter, chunk of cheese. Cold sausage, ham sandwich, banana and almond milk smoothie. That sort of thing. And neck some fish oil tablets. V good for brain health.

BT - hello again. Is it that you can't face the day ahead when you wake in the mornings? Would it help if we all made a habit of dropping by on here so that you know someone will be around first thing?

Not just words BengalTiger, the truth of you as I see it.

You know, I think you're such a well rounded person. All this creative talent with writing, dreams of a flying career (with all the science and engineering that entails) and still interested in the active stuff with a kick about and your times in basketball too. I totally get the interest in the way words can help you explore feelings and share them, that has helped me at times of struggle too. And the practical stuff, well, I'm an engineer and I know the beauty of physics, of making it work for you, of the perfection when all the rules work together. I have to say that I don't get the sport thing though. I've just spent the morning watching my DSs playing hockey. The bit that made the most sense was the hot chocolate

You don't have to be everything though. You don't have to take on a responsibility for all the things in the world, and definitely not all the 'might have beens'. You know, at work people come to me for decisions on all sorts of things and some of them not even to do with my job (where we should have our joint team meal, what colour we should choose for our logo, whether we should join in a company competion) and I sometimes have been heard to say in exasperation 'Who abdicated and made me queen?'

I choose not to take responsibility for everything. It's more than anyone can stand. There are a lot of things which are my problem, helping my family stay well and happy is a major one, doing my job to the best of my ability, finding me time to fulfil me as a person, but there are limits. I don't feel I've the time or energy to give much back at the moment, but that's ok, time will come.

There are limits for you too and when you are having such a personal battle then your limits extend only as far as keeping yourself safe and keeping in touch with the help around you in RL. We are all here for you too but we are not your responsibility. You also cannot be trying to take a responsibility for something which will never be yours. You are not responsible for other people's choices, or past history, or a future outside your control. The only thing you should be thinking about is taking your very next little step in the right direction, a safe and loved and fulfilling direction.

That may seem insurmountable sometimes and then you need to be asking for help with that one step. Your mum will help, your doctor will help, the Samaritans will help, we will help. One day you will have survived this illness and then is the time to think about making bigger choices for yourself and your loved ones. Even today you make things better for others here. You listen, you actively assess the sense of what is shared, you respond and whether you know or not I'm sure you help. That is still not your responsibility and you should be very proud that you still have been offering that by just being you.

You are special, and loved, and only responsible to keep taking one positive step at a time. Sleep well BengalTiger and awake to know that even one smile or kind word from you makes the world a better place.

The truth of you as I see it too.

I can't begin to add to the amazing post above, but can I just say BT - I didn't mean in my post above that, that you should use us instead of the professionals - I hope you have a number to call if you feel desperate again.

@ TD - You know what, I have no appetite at all when I wake up. My mum always makes me eat something but a lot of the times I don't eat much cause I just don't have an appetite when I've just woken up. I know they say breakfast is the most important meal of the day but my digestive system doesn't agree.

That's a really good suggestion though. I guess I could try to just force myself to eat a bit in the morning.

@Homebird - Thank you. Put a smile on my face. An engineer? Wow that's awesome. What kind of engineer, if you don't mind me asking? Yeah I've always loved physics because I think how they work is pretty cool, and I've always loved engineering, particularly in the way it works regarding air and space travel. I'm one of the few people at school who loves GCSE physics. When it comes to GCSE science most people prefer biology. Though I do like biology. It's interesting to know how the human body works.

Haha the hot chocolate thing made me laugh. I love sports! Football (both European and American), basketball, boxing, swimming, formula one and athletics. When it comes to personal participation, I'd say basketball is my favourite. I've always been tall for my age (I'm 6'0 - my dad was 6'6 so I probably get it from him - though I hope I really stop growing because the cockpits of fighter jets are really small!) and being tall is good for basketball. In Year 7 it was easy for me to score because I was taller than everyone else. I regret not continuing to play. Had a lot of fun and I was pretty good at it. One thing I'll say that sucks about sports, particularly team sports, is that on average, you're much more likely to go through a supporting life of misery than joy. Sometimes I really wish I didn't like sports when Arsenal lose to some awful team. My mum doesn't understand how people can be so attached to it.

You know, what you've mentioned about not taking responsibility for every little thing is right. I know it's right. I hope it's something maybe the counsellor can address once I start the sessions on Wednesday.

Thank you for all your help and support. It really means a lot.

@ Lots - Thanks you. You've been greatly supportive of me and I appreciate that. I know what you meant. Don't worry about that.

You and i are so alike BengalTiger, and so different.

You talking about sports and loving them is a completely foreign language to me! I just don't get it at all. I did get a little bit excited at the Rugby World Cup (2011) and the football thingy either early that summer or the one before, I forget. I think that was the limit of my attention span thou. My eldest DS is 10 and was so disgruntled by his hockey match even he doesn't know the score. He says he stopped counting when they were 6-1 down . The other one is much more enthusiastic but is playing for the really young team (he's 8) and ended up being subbed onto the other team for part of his match as one of the children was hurt. He reckons whichever way it went he could say he was playing for the winning side!

Now when you talk about science, that's another matter. Knowing about biology is all very well (yikes, how many people have I offended now) but it's a bit too uncertain for me. I love physics, you can rely on it. My branch of engineering is the one which turns an idea of a building into something of use to us. I'm in integrated building performance engineering at the intersection between the developer, the architect, the engineering design team, the construction company and the end users. There is no earthly use in putting up a building unless it provides us with an indoor environment we can use. There are loads of aspects to this but as I'm in serious danger of sending MumsNet to sleep I'd better stop there.

You have some great ideas for your future. The travel side of engineering is fascinating, just don't feel that it's the only route (she says, shamelessly hoping you might consider the building industry - we need inspired and creative people)

The breakfast thing is hard. I can never face breakfast until a good hour or so after I get up. Even when I force myself I never feel any the better for it. I just wait until I'm hungry and make a point of eating straightaway then. It's easy in my job but was always a nightmare when I was at school. My mum despaired of me but perhaps some good for you, easy to grab and eat snacks might work for you like they do for me. I always have cashews or macademias to hand, or a bag of sultanas or raisins, or a piece of cheese. I found it much easier once I found things I could grab a handful of and pop into my mouth without stopping. I graze all morning and then try to eat a proper lunch and dinner in the evening. Don't forget that at 16 your body is still growing and developing and you need a lot of fuel to feel well and handle everything that's gong on. Eat what you fancy and don't be too hard on yourself.

Got to cook for the DSs now. We've been out planting trees in a nature reserve all day and everyone here is shattered. Sleep well and tell me in the morning what your favourite food is, and then tell your mum!

Morning BT. I'm with you on the no breakfast thing - I just don't feel like it either. I usually have a cup of hot chocolate with low GI sugar ( the stuff that doesn't make your blood sugar spike) - but that is probably not a great start to the day, so I wouldn't advise it!.

You are going to be filling up that plane at this rate if you are 6 feet already. How tall is your mum? My friend's husband is a pilot and they seem to have a great life - he does long haul, so lots of time off. I imagine that would fit in rather well with seeing lots of amazing wildlife if that's what you still want then (and if Homebird hasn't recruited you as an engineer by then ).

@Homebird - For some reason I've never gotten into rugby! And hockey too. I dislikeplaying hockey on a really cold day, particularly in goal. If you're playing outfield then at least you have a chance to warm your body up. Haha so disgruntled you forget the scoreline. I've been there before so I don't blame your son.

Your job sounds amazing and really complex. And you sound like you really enjoy it, which is a great thing. So, if my intepretation is right, you basically decide the function of the building? Must take a lot of responsibility! I'll remember your building engineer suggestion though :) My love for aeronautics I guess is spawned from a love for space. I'm really fascinated by space and I used to want to be an astronaut, but the chances of becoming one are just too low to realistically harbour an ambition in that field.

So you're like me, too. I also can't eat as soon as I get up (although today I did have an English breakie :). Usually when I go to school I stop by ASDA and buy a few snacks that I can eat later on. Usually I'll be okay until lunch - that's when I REALLY eat, especially on Monday mornings after boring Latin class. Urgh, I really dislike that subject.

My favourite food . . . wow that's a hard one. I honestly can't narrow it down to a single. I love lasagne, beef burgers, spaghetti bolognese, Chinese and Indian takeaways, salad, bacon . . . we'll be here all day! I like a lot of different food, but just not in the morning.