Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

@ Eliza - Oh right. Yeah I get it now. Thanks for the explanation. I'd heard it before but I wasn't aware of what it meant until now.

Haha you sound like my mum. But yeah you're right. I completely lost track of time. Gonna hit the hay now.

It's been really nice chatting with you and thank you for everything. You're a wonderful person. Your sons are lucky to have you. I hope you have a nice night and sleep well.

Sleep well too. I'm sure we'll talk again

BT - I hope you had a good day today.

Yes, hope you're doing well today, BengalTiger and catching up on some sleep!

Hi BengalTiger. Still watching your thread in case you need us. Hoping that you and BengalMum are looking after each other.

I let everyone down. I tried to kill myself. I passed out (no air - tried to hang myself) and my mum found me before I had the chance to die. I can't even look her in the eye cause i know I've made her life hell. I just don't have a desire to live anymore. I feel like a hunk of flesh that just breathes oxygen. I'm literally a cancer to everyone and everything. From my grandparents to my parents. I wish I was never born. i'm sorry for not being good enough to take the advice from all the great people. You were all wonderful.

I'm so sorry.you haven't let anyone down. Is your mum there now? You are not alone xx

Yes she is. She won't leave my site. I've broken her heart.

Come on Bengal Tiger. Stay with her. Stay with all of us who are alive.
You are a logical person. You are an intelligent person. Can you see that you are not well at the moment? Heartsick, grief-sick, in terrible pain, and that is the voice telling you that you are a cancer, a hunk of flesh, wishing you had never been born. It is a false voice. It is not real. It is worth fighting against this voice. You deserve to live. You deserve to love. You deserve to be here. You are wanted. You are loved. You are not alone.

If you look your mother in the eye you will see love.
And relief that you are here.
She will be terribly distressed that you are hurting so much but her heart could never be broken by you being alive.
Please let your mum love you, even if you cannot even like yourself at the moment. Love is stronger than anything. Love is there for you, please let yourself hold on and let love hold you so you can start to heal. Please, Bengal Tiger, please.

@TD - I feel like that voice is the truth. I really do. Even before I was born, I my existence was already causing bad things. My grandparents never got along. My mum left. I could go on. And that's carried on to today. I know I'm grieving but I've alway felt this way about myself. I just feel like I'm poison. It really warms my heart when you say the things you're saying about me but deep down I find it hard to believe.

But even though I've always struggled to like myself, i never once thought I'd want to die and try to kill myself. I've always wanted to grow up and have a career and kids. But sometiems when I think about the future ( lot of times actually) I panic. I just feel overwhelmed. I've been thinking about that a lot recently. The future doesn't feel real. It feels like a mirage. It kinda reminds me of when I was little and I couldn't wait for Christmas when it was like 2 months away. It alway seemed that it would never come.

I know my mum loves me and it makes me loathe myself even more. I can hear her crying when she thinks I'm not around. I just wish there was a way I could just make it all better. I've tried, TD. The first few days after talking here and going to the gp with my mum, felt good. But it didn't last. That's what I struggle the most with. Making it last.

It isn't real though,that voice. It really isn't. It might have got deep in you and taken root but it is still a manifestation of your being not well. Depression, hating yourself, wanting to die, despair, feeling like a cancer,being sure that your very existence causes hurt and harm,panic about the future - these are all symptoms of you being ill. Lots of people have struggled with exactly the same feelings before you, lots of people are struggling now. Many felt that it could never get better. That the horrible poisonous voice was real and reality a kind of dream, that you can see happening for other people behind an invisible screen, meanwhile you are trapped in this awful painful hell place of self loathing and despair.

I have been one of those people.

Many of the people posting here on this forum have walked the same path as you. We are alive and still here.

It is very hard to cope with this alone.
You are not alone.
Your job is to not kill or hurt yourself and to let others help you. At the moment,that is it. You don't have to be forcing yourself to be happy, or like everyone else. You don't have to deal with the future or the past.

You just have to stay alive and hang on and let people help you.
They will be glad and proud to do it.
You are worth helping.
Stay with us.

Bengal, I've just seen this thread. It's breaking my heart.
Your situation is close to home for me. My 13 yo daughter is mixed race like you, I am white her dad is Jamaican. Her dad died 3 years ago when she was 10. She is really struggling to deal with her grief, she has Aspergers (a type of autism) which makes her grieving even more complex.
My daughter thinks she has done something terrible and that is why her dad died. This is obviously not true, but it's her truth.
Please get more specialist help. Winstons wish are a charity which specialise in children suffering bereavement. I know you're 16 but you are a child, in great need and I'm afraid for you.
Please keep reaching out and don't give in to your destructive thoughts.

Something that helped me was understanding that depression works a bit like a spiral. You spiral down, faster and faster as the momentum grows until you are spinning tightly locked in the hell-place and everything is hell. It is all unbearable. When you start to come out of it - with help- you can still feel like you are trapped in the spiral. Because you keep turning round and returning to the pain and darkness over and over so you think you are not getting better. But what you start to see is that you spend longer and longer periods where you are not in as much pain and the crucifying bits are shorter and less intense.

It is frightening when it gets better for a bit and then goes back to being awful again. You think, oh no, I'm going back into it, this is too much to cope with, it's not working. A sudden violent stop to it all feels like the only way to stop the momentum.

But that is not true.
The voice can be countered.
Writing a diary helps you see that there is a pattern, that there are days and times when it is not unbearable and that is what you get help to build on.

The part of you that writes,that dreams of flying and a family, that is the real voice, the real you. It is there. It is being shouted down but it is there. Please don't silence it.
Stay and hold on.

@ The logical part of me thinks you're right. In fact it knows. But it's really weak in comparison to the other voice. The other voice is so powerful. Sometimes it feels like someone is screaming right next to my ear. It just feels like this cloud will never lift. How did you get past your depression, if you don't mind me asking?

@Thornrose - I'm really sorry. That's a tragic. It really is. I hope your daughter will one day be able to see that her father's death really wasn't her fault. I'm plugging for both of you.

I got help a bit ago (ADs and supposed to start therapy next week) and I felt good for a while after I first posted on here and told my mum, but it didn't last long. When things get bad I find it really difficult to go on. I'm also really susceptible to bad things around affecting me. Like if I see something really horrible on the news it really, really affects me and it'll stay with me for days, making my depression worse. I stay away from watching the news or anything like that now.

I actually like watching nature documentaries(hence the username - I'm in love with tigers). There's something that I find really comforting about the animal world.

Sorry, I'm rambling now.

I had a break down.
I saw various counsellors: found one I could talk to.
I talked.
I wrote.
I read about depression and grief and trauma.
I learned how to turn the volume down on the poison voice, how to challenge it, see it for the liar and the sickness it was.
I learned how to protect myself from it.
The hardest bit was asking for help when the voice shouted I didn't deserve it.
The voice lied. I did deserve to live.
So do you.

Bengal, I've not long found Mumsnet and this is my first post as I could not keep quiet.

You are so incredibly brave, please do not see this as a failure. Starting this post, ringing the Samaritans, telling your mum, and going to the doctors were all amazing steps to take on your own - but remember they were just steps. It would be insulting to you to deny that this will be difficult, unfortunately it is often the nature of depression, just like many other illnesses that need to be fought. You however have the upper hand here; you have support - medical, family, online here, and via access to the Samaritans. You are a strong lad, and have demonstrated so many amazing qualities on here alone, such as empathy, understanding, common sense, determination, patience, and many others.

You can do this. You can beat these feelings.
If you need to explore the feelings that made you attempt suicide then please do it, using whatever medium is easiest right now - I promise it can help.
If the good feelings you get after receiving support fade, then ask again for more support. Keep asking. Keep posting on here, keep talking to your mum, and keep ringing the Samaritans. Never be embarrassed about asking for help and support.

As for your future, maybe try concentrating on one or two hopes/dreams/plans, even for the very near future, and hold on to those.
Again, please, please, please do not see yourself as a failure. I wish you could see yourself how we all have and how your mum clearly does.
Stay with us, and keep in mind how much we are all thinking of you during this difficult time. You are not alone x

Staying away from the news is a good thing, avoiding triggers is really important.
When you say "supposed to start therapy next week" I do hope you're going to go?!

@TD - You sound like you're a really strong person. You really do. It just feels so daunting to overcome all those things. But I guess the way I'm thinking about it is everything at once. I guess you took it one step at a time. That's what I've always struggled with. Taking things one step at a time. I always feel like I've gotta do everything at once.

@Wicked - Thank you for the wonderful post. It actually made me smile a little. You're right about taking it one step at a time and realising that battling depression won't be a one and done thing. Like I wrote to another poster, I've always been a person that tries to get everything done in one sitting and I guess that's why I'm struggling so much when I think about the uphill battle that's ahead.

Thank you for your support. I appreciate it.

@Thornrose - Yes I'm going. But in all honesty, I'm going because of my mum and not because of myself.

The main thing is you are going. Doing it for your mum is still you doing it, being motivated to do things for others is a good thing and it looks like it is one of your motivators.

I can see you are intelligent and highly competent and like to get things done: this is possibly why you want it to all get fixed, super competently, by you. However you wouldn't expect someone with two broken legs to complete a 10k run. You would expect them to get treatment and pain relief and physio and use crutchesand learn to walk again, then jog, then run, working at it over time and with goals and help from professionals who are trained. And their family and mates.

You wouldn't scold them for not being able to run for a bus or do stuff people with functioning legs in good health can do.

Does that make sense?

@ TD - Really good analogy actually. It makes a lot of sense. I'll remember that and maybe it can help when I'm thinking about getting everything out of the way. Anyway I'm really tired, TD. I'm gonna sleep. Thank you for being here for me. Greatly appreciated. Have a nice night and sleep well.

Look after yourself and sleep well.