Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

I spoke up at the session today. I've written a letter but don't know when to give it to my mum.

Oh BT well done for doing that. Wait into you and her are together without her husband around, it's one thing you need to talk about together. D you feel better for speaking out ? I really hope so. You have been incredibly brave today

whethergirl - I'm glad you got through the cancer. You've been through loads. It's great that you made it out the other side.

ballyhoo - The way you described being a parent is pretty awesome. The thought of being a dad in the future scares me to be honest. Having a human being calling me "dad" is a crazy thought. But your description of parenthood made me warm and feel better about me and my dad.

@lin - I needed hear that about not being a burden to be honest. A lot of the times when I'm down I tend to think like that and it really hurts.

@cjel - Yeah, a lot of football players and basketball players are plagued by injuries through the intense training and the strains of playing the game. Football players are plagued by calf and thigh trouble and basketball players are troubled by knee and poor ankles. My dad used to play basketball a lot when he was a teenager and he suffered from pain in his knees at times.

openyourheart - There's loads of Halo games. Must be on the fourth or fifth by now. It's a blockbuster game that's guaranteed to make many millions when released so it will keep going. I know what about not having a purpose in life. It all just feels pointless.

@lin - yeah I feel better. Much better. It felt good to let it all out.

I was watching Planet Earth today and I wondered about why it seems in the wild, 90% of animal species are solely raised by their mother. I know a lot of bird breeds have males and females staying together for life and raising their young, but a lot of animal species (big cats, bears, whales) have the mum bringing up the kid all by herself.

You were never a burden to your dad, if that is what he had thought you would of known by his attitude and actions, do believe it BT he loved you unconditionally

Lions are an exception on the big cats bit. They do offer protection to their cubs.

@lin - You're right. I know you are :)

What an enormous step you have taken today, it's possibly the first day of the rest of your better life . I a, so happy that you feel better for speaking out, now you have taken the first step to your recovery.

I always feel sad when the big cats separate from their cubs and they have to go off out into the wild on their own. Like you I love all those beautiful animals ( apart from serpents of course )

I just hope I don't get back into this slump again.

Yeah I get ya. It is sad. I watched a three episode documentary about a tiger and her four cubs. It was awesome to see them from tiny, innocent cubs to huge predators. I love tigers. Really gorgeous and majestic.

Would you ever eat a snake? I hear they serve it in China.

Evening BT, WOW well done you for speaking out. I too hope you never go as low as you have been. I'm so glad that you have found a counsellor that you feel able to be honest with. All the talk of games goes way over my head,I don't have a clue. My son is 29 and my grandson only 8 . I have been of friv though!!
plenty of time to think about when you can pass your letter on.
How does it feel to have got this far?

Oh my god , no I def would not, I hate them and I know your not keen either. You may still have your ups and down times bt but hopefully there will be more ups than downs until your situation improves. But now you know there is hope on the horizon that has to help you such a lot

And I'm not thinking of going to China anytime soon !

Good about the letter. Very good.
You will probably know whan is a good time to give your mum the letter. But I would be careful not to give it to her when you are annoyed with her about some day to day thing. Up to you of course, and I dont know for sure.

Goint to sixth form. Speaking as someone who has lads a bit older than you, and seeing how you are coming across as bright to me, I think you should go to sixth form. It can open a lot of doors.
I dont know what you are thinking to do in the future, but a lot of jobs these days require A Levels.

@cjel - It feels good. It feels much better than before. I just feel like I have to get to a point where I can cope with getting through a slump better. My PS3 is a case of point. Gotta handle my emotions better.

@lin - I hope so. Like I mentioned to cjel I feel like I need to get a better handle on how I deal with the dark slumps.

@caster 8 - My mum said something similar about sixth form opening doors. Ideally I'd like to be a creative writer, but I do have some other interests too.

You will get there BT just don't put pressure on yourself and don't expect massive change in 5 mins ,it will take time but it will be time well spent. Have you made another apt ?

If you get angry instead of taking it out on your stuff get a pillow and punch hell put of it till you feel calmer

Yeah another one same time Monday. And you know what it's weird cause when I punch a pillow I don't feel that anger decreasing. I have a tendency to take it out on something that breaks (like smashing the PS3 or throwing deodorant canisters against the wall). I've destroyed a lot of canisters.

glad its helped you feel better. It will come in time, baby steps and then one day you will look back and realise you've done it - anger controlled in a good way.
Hopefully you will also find that as you deal with internal things the darkness will go as well, thats what I found, In fact I noticed the other day its years since I had my old level of anger and I am now always near a laugh rather than a rage. Even a few months ago my washing machine was flooding my utility,luckily the family wasover and as ds was trying to turn the water off and the knob came off in his hand as it turned off and there was me ds and 5 grandchildren paddling and splashing in the water! not much gets me down although I was a bit worried when I came into the kitchen and the roof was leaking from the rain once. It stopped raining and I stopped crying!!!I find I have a weird sense of calm most of the time now.You will get it too.xx

Glad you have another apt set up, at this rate you will soon get back to dating !

The washing machine story made me laugh. You say "old level of anger." Did you used to have spurts when you'd just lose it?

@lin - hopefully :)