Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

@lin - Even I have to say an internet wedding would be pretty horrible lol.

You know I think you're right about things affecting me cause when my mum left and in later years after it, although I did miss her a lot and I'd feel ashamed when I went to a mate's place for tea and his mum was making the food (it would remind me that I didn't have my mum doing that for me and I'd ffeel ashamed) it didn't hit me as hard as it has now. Though my dad dying has probably made it worse.

Yes it would be very odd. Just be truthful tomorrow, don't say that you are ok when clearly you are not, then you will be able to open up a bit and get the right advice. It could be the best step you ever make.
I understand how you would of felt, you were probably thinking why wasnt your mum at home to do what your friends mum was doing. But when you pluck up the courage, maybe your mum can explain it all to you

Not surprised your Dad was angry. I get very angry if I feel my husband is doing wrong to our son. Also, on your Dad's behalf he had nobody to share responsibility with, no one to be worried with if you were sick, and no-one to share the good stuff with either, when he was proud of something you achieved. So he had a lot to be angry about. People get angry when anyone hurts their kids.

You know Bengal you are a credit to your Dad. Through reading your words here I am fascinated by this guy who brought up a lovely, kind, sensitive son by himself. In your OP you said you could always talk to him about the most personal things in your life. I would have loved to have that with either of my parents. You must miss him so so much.

God, that kind of came out a bit strong - it's just as a parent you can be so protective it makes you feel angry. Even when you might be wrong yourself. I don't know anything really about what your Mum and Dad thought or felt, I was more thinking about myself and how I feel sometimes to be honest!

Hello OP. I don't have any personal experience of the things that you are going through with your mum and losing your dad. My heart goes out to you. I did however suffer a nervous breakdown when I was 21 after a long and messy relationship with one of my former teachers ended badly and I lost a pregnancy and I seriously contemplated suicide.

It's so weird I read your post tonight because only today, working on the garden in the sunshine with my husband I was thinking about how beautiful the world is and how lucky I am to have such a lovely husband and just how lucky I was to be alive in the sun. And then I thought if I had killed myself 8 years ago when it felt like my life was over, I would have been long dead and my husband would never have met me and my parents would have been destroyed and my sister wouldn't have had a sister for nearly half her life... And what a waste that would have been.

If you die now it would be such a dreadful waste. You sound lovely: clever, articulate, clued in and funny. There's a whole life waiting for you. Confide in someone and know that whatever pain you're in wont last for ever. I cannot recommend The Samaritans highly enough if you just need a chat; many a night they listened when I needed to talk.

Thinking of you OP.

I'm glad the quads are doing well. What a huge thing for a 16 year old girl!

Sorry, that your school is not doing so well. Sometimes schools can turnaround very quickly. My son's school was put into special measures for a couple of years but now it is doing fine. Te head teacher was sacked and they got a new one who is fabulous. The sixth forms are different again so hopefully, you will get some good teaching next year.

I know what you mean about COD. My son seems to finish the games quite quickly but he also buys map packs. I have no idea what they are but I think they change the game a bit. Will you get another PS3 or will you get an Xbox next time? I've heard that Microsoft is taking over and that the Playstation will become defunct.

@lin - I hope you're right. I just hope I don't end up here again. Couple of weeks back it felt like I was finally pulling away from this and now i'm back in the thick of it. Just feels like a cycle that won't end.

@ballyhoo - Nah I get what you mean. I'm protective over my cat - going away next weekend with my mum and her husband. We're leaving the cat with the neighbour but I'm really worried cause she follows me a lot and sleeps with me so she'll probably wonder where I am. So if I'm this protective over a pet I can't imagine what it's like when you're a parent.

And thank you :) Yeah was a great person. Funny as hell. One of those people that has the ability to strike up a conversation with someone he doesn't know in a way you'd think they'd been friends for 10 years. I wish I was like that. In a way though I guess why sometimes i think I shouldn't have been born is that I feel like as if I was a burden to him looking back. When my mum left he was in his early 20s and like he basically lived for me and not himself until he died.

But for those few days you had a glimpse of how your life can and will be. You were like a different person and it showed in your posts, you can get there again. But you have kept so much bottled up, it needs to come out so your mind gets a release.

How do you get on with your mums dh ? Is he someone you could speak to or it that out of the question ?

1804 - Thanks for sharing your experience and for your kind words. It's weird cause several people have shared a story similar to yours and it's made me realised that there are a lot of peeps who feel like I do and how you used to do. I always felt alone. It's really great that you managed to pull through and get past it. Gives me hope, particularly the bit about how you felt you were really lucky to be alive.

@openyourheart -

I know. Don't know how she can cope.

I'm not sure if I wanna go to sixth form yet. Some days I feel like it's something I wanna do and others not so much.

Map packs are new environments you play in. Another money making scheme! Those maps should be part of the original game - part of the 40 quid you pay for. Bloody thieves. And nah Sony are still going hard. Microsoft outsells Sony in the USA cause Microsoft is an American company but Sony outsells Microsoft around the globe cause they've been in the console business longer so they have a huge following.

And I'm gonna get a PS3 - I used to have a PS2 when I was little so I'm more familiar with Sony than Microsoft. If GTA 5 wasn't coming out in September, I wouldn't bother with another PS3 cause the new PlayStation 4 and Xbox One are out in November/December. But GTA 5 is being released in September. It looks so good it beats next generation consoles and since it's being released on PS3/Xbox 360, I have to get another PS3. My mum still doesn't know about the fate of "LeBron" though. Yeah I'm so sad I named my console after my favourite basketball player lol.

You would not of been a burden to him BT he choose to bring you up. He could of put you into foster care or something, he did it because he loved you and wanted you with him.

lin - Mum's DH is a cool dude. He's really nice. When I first moved in with him and mum I kinda kept him at arm's length. Like he'd ask me if I wanted to do something with him but I'd just say no. Like I'm more open to him now and we get along but I don't know if I can talk to him about something like this.

Yeh, I always used to think I'd die young. I never in a million years imagined myself having a kid! It's strange, but like mummylin says, I remember being your age and thinking 40 was sooo old! But I don't feel old, I'm still the same me as I was when I was 16 but an improved version, with the benefit of experience! I enjoy getting older. But it's strange, sometimes I think "Really? I'm 40??? How did that happen?!"

I started taking 20mg Fluexotine (Prozac) when I was about 25. I walked straight into A&E one day and said "I'm going to kill myself." I took it for about 7 years until I became pregnant and decided to stop taking it. Big mistake! I started taking it again about 4 years ago. It really works for me, I don't feel like I'm on any kind of drug, I feel more 'normal' with it than without it.

Re the crying, I hate all that 'man up' business and have none of it for my ds. I would hate to be a boy and have that pressure that you can't cry, it's enough to actually make you cry! Btw, your counsellor will be SO used to seeing people cry too so don't hold back with them!

You know, you say your dad was really angry about your mum coming back. And that you heard him crying when she left and that haunts you. I'll bet that most of these feelings he had were for you, because he anticipated how it would affect you. I know it's so horrible to see your dad upset, but, don't let it eat you up. Now that I'm a parent, I know that my ds would find it so upsetting to see me cry. But actually, I'm not just a parent, I'm a person and I have feelings like everyone else, and I can work through my feelings. I bet most of the time your dad was so happy and proud to be your father. You don't have to bear the burden of your dad's tears...just like - if he could see you cry it would pain him also. Sometimes it's more upsetting for the other person - I hope I'm making sense?

Maybe one day you will be able to, when you feel the time is right. I am glad you have a good relationship, that helps.
You didn't say if you were still going to join the sports team that you talked about the other day ?

I'm sure you will be going off here's very soon. I, getting to know your habits ! But I want to wish you all the best for tomorrow.chat soon . Goodnight BT x

You would not have been a burden to him BT. He sounds like he was so devoted to you. One day, you'll probably have a kid and you'll know, that you could never see your child as a burden. Poorer - yes, less time to yourself - yes, feel like you're going to lose the plot - yes! But never a burden. He would not have wanted it any other way.

@whethergirl - Reading about how you and others on this thread once felt like me and managed to pull through it makes me want to be able to put this behind me and be more like you guys. It's just so difficult. But I gotta remember that you were once in my shoes and that you pulled through. Just gotta remember that.

And I know exactly what you mean about the part about my dad crying. Especially the bit about being a person. I guess that's why hearing my dad cry hurt even more cause I just saw him as a parent that's always in control.

@lin - I'm not really think about the sports team to be honest. Atm just thinking about how I'm gonna deal with this anger situation. And have a good night. Sleep well. Chat soon.

Anyway I'm tired and I wanna watch another episode of WAW before I sleep so gonna go. Thanks for all the support and all the great advice. Really, really appreciate it. Some awesome people on here.

Evening. Its having a 3 year old and 20 month old that are both very independant My little house has garden all the way round and different doors so I spend my time making sure they haven't gone near the road or in the pond when one has gone one way , the other has gone the other!! the 7 year old is lovely boy very sensitive and and helpful, we picked curly kale, peas, blackcurrants and radishes and when I noticed it was raining, went to get the washing basket and he was already getting the washing off the line!!

My son is a runner cross country , half and full marathons and just taken up triathlon - (did the London one today) and stuff like that and long distance running they usually only peak a bit older late twenties early 30s. Think younger bodies don't have the stamina. I wonder if sprinters/ footballers etc train too you and wear themselves out and get injured.
Don't know if you'll be around before your appt tomorrow, so hope you get to use the time in the way you want.

Hmmmm burden talk. Speaking as a parent, yes your child is a responsibility and all that. But I am literally bursting with happiness when I see my son. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. Yes, I rarely get a lie in or a night out but I don't really care. Money is tight and I have been a stay at home mother because I would rather go without in order to be there for him. It's not sacrifice and it doesn't feel like that. There is nothing better in life than seeing your kid happy. And when they love you back it's extraordinary, and when they forgive you for your fuck ups it's humbling. And there is such meaning in life now.

Bengal when I was depressed I thought I was a burden on everyone. I wasn't. I wish I could explain better the utter utter joy being a parent brings. All of the hard practical things are true, but the rewards are amazing - not because they are measurable but because of how they make you feel. My boy came upstairs this evening to make sure I wasn't lonely and I felt so loved. And later he wouldn't go to sleep and I wanted to kill him! He is a responsibility but he isn't a burden. I know your Dad was younger but if it wasn't for you maybe he never would have got to be a Dad, he could have lived his whole life and never felt that feeling when your child snuggles into you or they accomplish something and you feel so proud or just the joy of looking at them playing and being happy. Some people never experience any of that and their hearts are broken because they don't have kids!

At the risk of being patronizing, and I don't want to be, but I hope you have your own child someday so you can experience what it's like. I really didn't get how much I would love my son. I would not swap this life for my pre child life in a million years.

And I get the helpless feeling when you hear or see your parent crying. My boy has seen a bit of that and I think it shook him up. I've seen my mother crying and it feels shit. But it's back to that whole thing, she says she feels better after she cries too. I suppose nobody wants anybody else to be sad and we all want to fix it and feel helpless when we can't. Funny thing - you can only be responsible for your own feelings, not anyone else's. And your own feelings are pretty much enough! I try to let my son have his feelings now instead of trying to make him stop crying or stop being angry. They are only feelings and if they are expressed they can go away and he gets his balance back. Now if I could do that myself I would really be onto something!

Bengal it is the most difficult thing ever, dealing with depression. I had breast cancer when I was just 27 - I had surgery, chemo, radio, the lot. But it was no-where near as hard to deal with as depression. It's like your own mind is working against you. I know it feels impossible, but it's not. Give yourself a chance. You've got some stuff to work through. You'll get there.

You too can be like us, 40 something, running around after kids and happy! And before that you can spend your 20s and 30s having a blast.

Thinking of you today BT hope your session goes well

Yes, the map packs are defo money making. My son seems to have bought a lot of them, but as I said, he is on to Halo now. I'm not sure if there are map packs in Halo but there seems to be loads of different Halo games.

About 6th form - You might not feel like it now, but you may as well say you are going anyway and give it a try. There is nothing worse than having nothing to aim for when you have depression. It will be a spiral of decline if you stagnate.

Hope session with counsellor was productive and you aren't to drainedx