So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

Sleep well x

Hi Gracie, how's it going?

A bit down, negative feelings resurfacing again. Don't feel like myself today, so tired all the time.

Went to the children's centre this morning for some advice, but feel like i'm talking about someone else. They said there's lot's of support they can offer too, but there was a meeting today with hv, my mum, cpn and social worker. I was asked to attend but not made to, and I declined. Don't feel strong enough at the moment. Have to attend the next one though. I just feel there's so much happening at once, and I can't make sense of it all.

It probably helps if you can go, it might even reassure you that people want to work with you. It must be tough for you.

It wasn't until after it took place, I thought it probably looked bad I didn't go. But feel things are too raw for me to sit for two hours listening to people talking about my issues etc.

Just got this tight knot in my stomach, don't know if it's fear, regret, embarrassment? Maybe all those things and more. I think I'm scared nothing will/can help. How can anything help? I don't get it. If I feel such emptiness and sadness then how can anyone, including me, fix that? I've had a lot of help in the past, and seen others move on and get better. Maybe this is just me, and now I'm in a bigger mess that I can't get out of.

Great you were able to go to the children's centre and them offer help as well. Perhaps seeing the psychiatrist for medication review will really help too, to help make you feel more able to use the help.

You do need to go if you can. Even for half an hour.
They may all be able to help you.

I know your brain seems to play tricks on you, and it is very good at turning positives into negatives.
So your brain starts to think, "help, panic,shame" etc etc.
Instead of ,"thank you, relief,they care about me, I may get help" etc.
You need to see that your brain is wrong [and no that does not mean it will be wrong for ever and ever], and basically do the opposite when your brain starts to panic.

They will be likely to talk about things to help the here and now, not very indebth if that helps.

Feeling really angry about everything again, going to lose it at the slightest thing. Got no motivation, this is rubbish!

I think you need to sort out the anger.
You need to seperate out the stuff you should feel angry about,from other stuff.
I think you would find it helpful to literally list all the things you feel angry about, in the first instance.

Just keep communicating with people

Seeing cpn in a bit, don't know how I feel really, just nothing. Everything seems unreal, and I've got this pain in my head, not like a normal headache, like a pressure that makes me feel a bit spaced out. Maybe it's the meds getting back into my system, don't know.

Now people know a lot more and there's lots of talk about what support can be provided, I don't feel like I want it all. I know the main priority is dd, so this all needs to happen. I had a day or so last weekend when I thought I didn't want to end it and was scared about what I did, but I'm having those thoughts again. Haven't got as far as planning or anything but if I do, I'll have to say something, everyone will know, and I'll probably end up in hospital for a long time. My head hurts so much.

Why dont you want the support?

Some people are only in hospital for a few nights. Ask about ways to help with the things you are struggling with at the moment, e.g. DD's care, care of yourself, suicidal thoughts/ideation, intrusive thoughts, feeling things aren't real etc. - it might help to make a list. Good luck with CPN

What support don't you want ?
I think I know what you mean about the pressure in head feeling. I get that when I am stressed like I can feel the tension. I sometimes worry my blood pressure could be up.

I don't know what support will be offered, that's why I'm not sure of things. Maybe I will make a list. All I want to do is sleep for a week.

Well why not list all the support you have so far and can use.What you have told us, if I remember right is:
CPN twice a week
DD in nursery some of the time
Mum now more aware
HV aware and supportive person and knows you from before
Social Care becoming involved
Some friends help with practical things like collecting dd from nursery
Some childcare from your Mum
DD's dad has her some nights a month

Then think about what other support is needed, and I mean practical support day to day to help you and your dd be safe and move forwards. Do you want some support from Children's Centre - such as groups to go to, a support worker. Ask Social Worker when you meet what help they can provide with dd in particular. why not list what help you may need on a day to day basis.

Would a care plan be helpful - ie one that says if struggling what you should do with your dd.... take her to your mum's or her dad's or a friends etc. Phone certain people who can visit you, such as Mum or a friend etc. Have you nominated anyone to have your dd if you cannot cope or are seen as not coping at any time? Would it be your dm or your ex? Might be worth putting it in writing if it is not agreed so you get what you want for dd if you end up in hospital or deteriorate and are not seen as being able to make decisions.

What activiy groups or drop in centres could you acces. What groups was your CPN going to suggest. Do you need help with childcare to access those groups?

Getting reluctant to keep posting on here, even though it helps to get it out and listen to advice and experiences. It's just I feel as though i'm coming across as selfish and stubborn. I don't want to be like that, I am confused right now, and sometimes when I think i'm doing the right thing, it's obviously not judging by people's reactions.

Saw cpn, didn't really feel like talking much today, felt too tired and heady. But then found out she rang my mum after to let her know how the appt went, and also to give her carer info. Now I know at the moment, there is concern about dd, and there are a lot of people now involved, but I feel I can't say anything now. As anything will be shared with others. I feel I have no control, independence or privacy. This makes to want to retract further, and hide how I am really feeling. I also don't like having a 'carer', makes me feel crap, and I hate all the stress and worry i'm putting people through. Feel like it would be better for everyone if I wasn't here. It doesn't matter how many times i'm told i'm loved and I will get better, I don't believe it and I don't know why.

Everything's just hit me and I can't stop crying. Got all this support yet never felt more alone.

Gracie you are being far to hard on yourself. You are not coming across as selfish or stubborn at all. We are all just trying to make suggestions. I can understand how you feel I am sure I would feel the same but try and remember how you felt last sunday/monday. Try and remember as I think that was the real you. Now the illness and negative talking is trying to take over. Don't let it.

I dont know why they have to put labels like carer either. They should change that word.

You're not coming across as selfish and stubborn.

Feel so uncomfortable that everything's out in the open. I feel like the crazy one in the family. I'm so used to having secrets and leading two lives, I don't know how to handle this situation. I find myself putting on more of a front to try and reassure people. But it's exhausting.

Coping right at this moment with keeping suicidal stuff under control, but if it gets the slightest bit worse I'm going to ask for crisis team, and admission if it gets like last week. Right now trying to convince others, and myself, I'm ok. Although I do lie awake at night wishing there was a considerate way to end this. Head is so muddled still, and really want a drink, but fighting the urge.

When a person has depression, it is not always possible to rely on what your brain thinks.
In the past you have been trying to think your way out of things, but it is not really possible to do that.