So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

This has been my biggest fear for four years than ss are involved. It confirms I'm failing as a mum. I think it's all going to go wrong.

On a positive note dd has been good, and we've had a nice day.

You might think differently if you take your meds more regularly, they take time to start working for you.

If you've been turned down for ESA you can appeal (must be within a month (I think) of decision - you will need the help of a professional though, like the CAB, and some evidence (which CAB can ask for on your behalf), the best would be a letter from your consultant psych, I actually think you may have good grounds for getting into the Support Group on the grounds that even seeking work would be detrimental to your mh.

I used to work for CAB (have I said that before, not sure), am out of date but have more advice via PM if it would help.

Taking meds regularly will help your moods.

SS being involved is not because you are failing. If you think about it logically you have been telling people you want to end your life, you have taken two OD's and are asking and needing more help. It is not about failing. You have been trying to communicate to people that you need more help and you cannot cope alone.

People have heard you.

It happens to be that help comes in different ways. One will be the meeting with your next of kin (your mother). Having been in a+e twice they need to know what the plan is if you are not able to care for your dd. Another way is through assessment with SC. As I was told by my cpn, SC have much more budgets as they can provide care.

It may be worth having a financial check as well, to ensure your ex is paying enough, for any benefits you are entitled to. Whilst you can still claim sick pay it is worth being signed off work and not resign.

Remember you are asking for help and this is how help is provided if you involve services, rather than asking friends and family. Although scary it is what you have been wanting. It may take some time (paperwork always does!)

In the next few days why not ask friends to be with you or your family?

Just been reading your last posts to see if can help you with some of what you have been told.

"They say they'll put lots of support in place and be there to talk, then they say they're not there to provide therapy and I've got to take responsibility for myself.I know I've got to help myself, but the whole point of being under cmht or ct is because I'm not thinking straight and not looking after myself, and I don't know why. One minute they say I'm ill, then they say I'm a responsible adult, basically snap out of it! Feel when I'm in need the most they turn their backs."

• what I think they are trying to say is that because you took an OD whilst under the Day Hospital it did not work for you so there is no point continuing it, as it didn't help you. Day Hospitals and indeed inpatient psych hospitals are not places that provide therapy at all. You are still under the CMHT because you have mental ill health. The CT is a short term treatment offered, to monitor safety and risk asses, which the CMHT will use as and when they think it is of use to you. It can never be long term. The CMHT offers a care plan and may now work with SC to provide support for your family. You can be ill and a responsible adult. All CMHT's are helping people towards recovery - some have renamed themselves recovery teams in fact. They are not turning their back. However, you have shown that you are not very stable and have not benefitted much from the Day Hospital due to what you said and did when under them, so they are not going to offer you something that has made you worse.
• When they say take responsibility for yourself, that means take medications, eat, drink, good sleep hygiene etc. Keep safe. If you cannot take responsibility for yourself then they will not think you can take care of a young child, so they are wanting you to keep responsible to keep your family unit together. The aim of CMHT's is to give people support to be independent. They will want you to find support from friends and family - if you say you haven't enough, that is when they will look what else is available throught the SC system (perhaps through adult or children's services depending on whether they class you as a vulnerable adult or not)

Feel free to ignore what I have written, I was just trying to help you as you sound very confused. I may be totally wrong - just ask your professionals. Do not think that because you may only see someone one hour a week that they don't care. Use your support system around you as much as possible, rather than relying on Mh professionals so you do not have to fear professionals letting you down.

Very well written post

I need to sleep but I can't, I'm too worried about everything. Your posts make me see things from another perspective. I think I'm in my own messed up bubble, and not thinking logically about things. I need to tell myself I want to get better, I need to use the techniques, it's just hard, was sat in a 'coping skills' group today, we had to set ourselves a task, and how we can achieve it etc. I found it hard, mind went blank, I wanted to but couldn't so felt really stupid.

I want to take dd and run away somewhere far away, somewhere where family aren't phoning each other up worrying, crying and discussing me, where there aren't people who don't know me are deciding whether I'm being a good enough mum or not, where I'm not 'mental' and don't get judged by anyone. It will be hot and sunny and we don't have to see anyone, we can start a new life.

I'm so fed up of pills, appts, crying, feeling like shut all of the time. I've made things so much worse, I am starting to wish I had succeeded at the weekend, but a small part of me wants to fight this for dd. If I lose her then that's it. I'm going to be so careful what I say now, think I've been too honest. This is going to effect a lot, it will be on lots of records, her new school will be informed - this is not how I has imagined life would turn out.

Ha obviously shut was meant to be shit! And the pins and needles are getting worse?! Wish I could switch my brain off for the night.

Hope you been able to sleep now. Keep being honest to get the support you need. What you have done is written down, yes but you may as well use that to get the help and extra support you want.

When you are managing better yourself, not asking for extra help etc the appointments will be less because you will need less. You know, deep down, I think, that you want to be ok otherwise you would not have called an ambulance or told the CT about the od. Remember that although you may not have gone about things in the easiest of ways and yes people are going to know things that you would rather not know, you are ill and need help. Be honest with your HV and SC lady, that is where real help and support is found - in some ways more than MH people who have limited resources as you have found already.

This is a phase, an episode, things may settle down really much quicker than you can possibly imagine and you may even be back at work.

The next few weeks may be hard, you may not like hearing what people say about you. But you can change, their words will change. Accept if you can you need MH, SC and family involved now but with support that will change.

By the way the last post you wrote was the most logical you have been for a while, which is encouraging. You know you need to have those meetings, get the support in place for your dd. you are right, you have to take responsibility, use the techniques and not want others to do it for you as otherwise you will continue how you have been. But let your ex, your mum, your friends help as well as services whilst you need extra help. This episode will not last forever!

So tired I feel ill. Not in a good mood today, feeling defensive and angry, not good really, I don't think that's the real me. But I feel so angry about everything, want to blame others, but deep down I'm angry and hateful towards myself.

Take it slow and gentle. There is no blame. Have a nap if you need it. Early days on the road to recovery.

Perhaps write it down if you are angry all about what is making you feel it. Don't think you are not allowed to feel anger, you are and it will not hurt anybody writing it down. It will be therapeutic for you I think you need to let it out. Correct me if I am wrong but I read somewhere that depression can be caused by repressed anger?

Crying and I don't know why. Can't have a nap as last day at day hospital then picking up dd and her friend. Will take them to a park. Just feel so sad, what if I've already damaged dd now and she's going to be like me? Really worried about her, can feel paranoia and panic setting in. Will give the pills a chance to work, didn't notice a difference when I was taking them properly for a good while, but maybe it can be increased.

Can you somehow see the panic and paranoia as separate from you? Acknowledge they are there: however, act as if they are not. You have a plan for the day, it sounds like a good one.

I think you need to get the anger out.
kerstina, I have seen that written somewhere too.
I do think that is right, in some cases of depression.
I think it is probably right in Gracie Loo's case.
I think pills can help people like Gracie Loo cope, but it doesnt cure the problem, just sort of covers it over.

Been thinking of you today Gracie

Not a good day, not a lot has happened with regards to ss etc, but just a hard day.

What was hard?

gracie, have had no laptop for a week and now only have this for an hour before another week with out. Just want to say i'm sorry you are having a tough week and although i can't ppost, i am thinking of you and hope you will have a better week this week,xxxxxxxxx

cjel are you an inpatient somewhere? Or on a nice holiday? Hopefully the latter, come and let me know how you are when you can. Thanks for your lovely post.

Had my meeting with cpn and nurse at day hospital. Was handed a leaflet for an alchohol support group Don't think i'm an alchoholic. My cpn said she is going to push for psychology to be sooner rather than later, will refer me for drop in clinics/groups in the meantime, seeing consultant pyschiatrist next week who really wants to see me to sort this out apparently, and cpn will be twice a week for a while. She said I am her priority patient at the moment - not sure if she's allowed to say that?! We also agreed that I maybe should have been admitted last week, and if I can recognise the signs next time ie stockpiling, isolating myself, ignoring advice and not able to keep myself safe, or don't want to be safe - to ask for an admission.

Anyway I felt so tired and emotionless by this point, I was a bit abrupt, and said I wished i'd never said anything, appreciate and will accept the support, but really would love to run away from it all. Maybe shouldn't be saying that stuff now!

Dd was awful again this afternoon, big temper tantrums and lot's of attitude and anger. I stayed patient, offered hugs, don't have a clue how to handle it really. Spoke to her nursery though and they said they had no concerns and will support us through this. But when she's like this, and asking to go to grandma's, I feel the negative stuff again.

What sets off her temper tantrums ? Just remember children can be difficult regardless.It sounds like you are being very patient and handling it well to me.It could be unconnected to you, she might be coming down with something or just be really tired and if she did not enjoy her day at nursery could be venting on you. My DS always wants to go to nannys as she spoils him!

Hey although things not been great you got good outcomes. A Cpn replaced straight away and two slots a week is rare I think. Plus up the list for psychology. Offer of support groups. And allowed to ask for inpatient admission if you think it will help. ( some places guard their beds as well and not sure how many people would be able to ask for inpatient and be listened to). So hope that helps reassure you that people are listening to you right now and the help is there to move you forwards.

I would think your dd's behaviour was normal for her age. I was told to meet with other mums in groups etc as by meeting and sharing with others you can find out what is normal. Am afraid mine not at talking stage yet.

Could you ask your nice HV for help with dd, or reassurance if this behaviour continues? Also many children see grandparents and ask to see them, does not mean rejecting you perhaps just they missing other important people in their life.

gracie good thing you couldn't help being honest... It sounds like the cavalry are arriving anyway, and that they have a much better idea of how bad things got for you, and how much support you need.

You've done well with DD, both with the calm and hugs, and with keeping nursery in the loop.

We all of us, all we parents I mean, feel negative stuff from time to time. It's just that you are noticing that it's a little like the other, ill health, negative stuff. Don't make the mistake of thinking that being in recovery means always being calm and sussed!

She gets really tired, and not getting on with a little friend from nursery which I know is upsetting her. I just feel I'm not able to comfort her, or say the right things. Think all I do is make things worse. I don't even know if she does love me.

I'm trying, I really am. Got some books to try to read as a distraction, too tired tonight though. I didn't watch a programme that can trigger emotions and urges. I've cleaned a bit, but get getting a bit muddled and distracted, then feel agitated it's not clean enough and there's other stuff to be doing. My brain needs to give me a break sometimes. Also I haven't drunk, as I wasn't sure if I could anyway after what happened. Scared of feeling so bad, so pretending it never happened but I know inside the bad thoughts are so near the surface, and they can't take over again otherwise I'll lose everything. Need to sleep now.