So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

You're sounding good Gracie - a bit of humour is always nice to see
And so glad you're looking forward to seeing dd,
and also going to ask for a little more support via the day hospital.
Good luck to you from here on in !

Oh Gracie. At least you don't appear to have done any long term damage.

But at least you are ok now. I broke my leg just over 2 years ago. In the next bed to me on the ward was a woman who had tried to commit suicide by jumping from the top of a multi storey carpark. Obviously she didn't die, but she had hundreds of broken bones and was in constant physical pain. She was going to be in a wheelchair for the rest of her life, and spend 12 months in hospital. I really felt for her, but especially for her dh and her 3 teenage children. She didn't appear to be in a dark place any more.

Sometime when you reach rock bottom the only way is back up again. I hope you can have the strength to keep pushing for the help you so desperately need.

Honestly, when someone dies it leaves a hole in people lives which can't be filled. Can you imagine how your daughter would feel if you had succeeded? That you chose death rather than fighting to be there for her?

I'm sorry if this sounds harsh, but the reality is that once you die there is no coming back, and it may seem to you sometimes that the emptiness and release of death is something that you would welcome, however the way you felt, and the way you feel isn't going to last forever. It's finding the balance between the right meds and the right support for you.

You have so much to look forward to, seeing your dd grow up, becoming a complete pita as a teenager etc. she needs you.

I hope that you keep posting on your thread, and know that we are all here for you, and that we all want you to improve and feel well again.

I reached rock bottom mentally earlier this year. Not to the extent that you have, but my gp was brilliant, changing my ad's, but only giving me a week at a time so that I had to go and see him, arranging therapy etc. and I now feel totally different to 3 months ago (thank goodness).

Look after yourself. Hugs.

Thank u, think it has taken me to hit rock bottom, I didn't want it to be like this though. Guess I've just gone about things in the wrong way.

Not on such a high anymore, I know I'm really tired, fuzzy headed and the rest. Also been completely rejected by dd My fault, I know, and probably a normal reaction, but feel I've been stabbed in the heart and ruined our bond forever.

Gracie

How old is your dd?

4 and a bit.

She must be so mixed up. And not understand what's going on.

She just needs you to be there, and for you to be stable. even though you ended up in hospital at least you phoned the ct and then an ambulance. so that sense of self preservation must have kicked in. That sense of wanting a future.

You need to regain her trust, to stop pushing her away. To try to be consistent.

You owe it to yourself. Have faith in yourself. Push those negative thoughts and voices away. Try not to listen to them. Do something that will make you happy. Make tentative plans for the future. Anything, even if it is to speak to a friend, or take your dd to the park.

Try to remind yourself of all the good things you've done, and will do again.

I tell myself, I have a family who all love me. Friends who have been there for me for years, sometimes even decades. A job I hate. But at least it's a job. And it pays ok. I want to get a dog (I know this sounds heartless, but I can't get a dog until my elderly cat dies. It wouldn't be fair on her. She's 16, and she's had a lovely healthy life). And at some point I might even be able to retire (hopefully before I'm 80). Great. The cat has just snotted on my iPad. The joys of elderly cats

Baby steps. Don't try to do too much too soon. Take care.

Gracie, you sound so positive. It's fantastic to hear, after the past few weeks, that you feel as though you can see a way forward. I'm so sorry that you had to hit so far down to get this turnaround, but it's so positive that you do feel slightly better today.

You haven't been rejected by your DD. Kids do this, they decide to have nothing to do with one parent for no reason at all - yesterday DD refused to have anything to do with DP and wailed whenever I left the room. She's had a long weekend with her dad and is a bit focused on him, that is all.

Come back and tell us how things are going over the next few days.

Children get used to routines. With you being in hospital and at day hospital recently she has had changes to her normal routines from when you worked so she is probably confused. Young children cannot understand their routines changing and who is looking after them so easily as older children. If you can try not to catastrophise and say it is permanent. I doubt it is, she just needs extra reassurance from you right now that you are still there, just like you have needed extra support from CT recently etc.

Her routine hasn't really changed, her childcare arrangements have stayed the same, day hospital has fit around nursery or my mum has her which she's used to. This weekend was just an extra night with her dad so that shouldn't traumatise her.

I think it's more the emotional side of stuff. No matter how much I try, I don't always feel that close to her. I cuddle her, give kisses, read stories, but I think she senses I'm not feeling it deep inside. I was sobbing at the hospital earlier as I wanted to see her, but just went into her room to kiss her but feel nothing inside. The psychiatrist picked up that I'm unable to express emotion, I can put on a front but maybe dd senses I'm miles away when I should be so, so close. This is what I find so hard.

But the extra, unplanned night, may have unsettled her. As her father may have displayed emotional about it that she picked up on. And although your mum had her for day hospital unless she would normally have her all that time it may be enough with your distress recently to have unsettled her? Why not ask your HV if there are any support groups you can go to which help with bonding/parenting etc. know our sure start centre runs out you have to be invited to go to for instance. May help, worth an ask.

I was told it is all about "good enough" parenting and I found it helpful having professionals repeatedly reassure me I was doing a good enough job with my dc and they kept reinforcing that. SS told me that too, but can offer extra support due to illness etc which helped.

I think you're right. It's hard to be emotionally available to others, even your own dd, when you feel so emotionally vacant and bleak inside.

Just give it time. Be patient. The feeling will come back. That sense of 'detachment' will fade. But you have to work hard at trying to get better, trying to get your old self back.

I hope you are ok today Gracie.

Hugs

Hope day hospital is going ok, Gracie

gracie as I said upthread, your DD loves you with all her heart. And of course she missed you...

Not quite the same, perhaps, but with my own DD, then aged 20, we fell out during my divorce a year back, several times. We didn't stop loving each other though. Just because you don't think you are feeling it deep inside, does not mean it isn't there. And just because your DD has temporarily acted in a rejecting way, does Not mean that she does not love you with all her heart.

Gracie so glad to see you are back home Do you tell your daughter you love her and have missed her? Tell her it might be hard at first but worth it.
Why don't you write all your emotions,thoughts and feelings on a blog or write a book. You have clearly described on here what you have been through lately and I think it would really help other people experiencing similar difficulties and to help medical professionals understand what people go through. You are really good at writing and expressing yourself on here. Perhaps write a lovely letter to your dd telling her how much you love her and are looking forward to spending time with her through the summer.

Feel like so much has happened today and it's too much to take in. Went to day hospital, was told I'd have a chat with the nurse. She knew I had to leave at 1.30 so at 1.20 she came and found me. Said I'm still being discharged tomorrow from ct too. I said I was going to ask if I could stay a few more days, but she said she didn't think it would help. I knew this would happen, and I said I knew I shouldn't have been referred. They say they'll put lots of support in place and be there to talk, then they say they're not there to provide therapy and I've got to take responsibility for myself.

I know I've got to help myself, but the whole point of being under cmht or ct is because I'm not thinking straight and not looking after myself, and I don't know why. One minute they say I'm ill, then they say I'm a responsible adult, basically snap out of it! Feel when I'm in need the most they turn their backs.

Anyway, I've made an effort with dd, we've been to a cafe, to the library and now she's painting. But I've always had a call from social services. The hospital referred me. I was shaking, but the lady was lovely and instead of being scared I feel relieved I'm going to get help. She said they can help with the mh side of stuff too. The only thing worrying me is if they contact dd's dad, as he won't understand and will use it against me.

Also today, without my knowledge, my HV has arranged a meeting with my mum and I think, my cpn. I phoned HV to talk to her, that's how I found out, she asked if I wanted to be there but I don't. Also have to inform dd's nursery that they'll get a call the ss.

So, not sure how I feel, exhausted, confused, pissed off, relieved, worried and scared. Not a clue what's going to happen. Already feeling very paranoid. Going to get fish and chips as a treat for tea, but feel things like that will go against me. What if dd hurts herself, or someone sees me telling her off?! Can't deal with all this on top of everything else, but I know it's all my fault in the first place.

Could write a book! Theres an idea! Been turned down for ESA so need money from somewhere.

God sorry for essay! Also wanted to add, I do tell dd I love her and miss her all the time. And I feel bit funny today, physically, it's probably to be expected, but keep feeling really lightheaded and got pins and needles in my hands. Been eating and drinking but feel quite ill. Do I need to be worried, I am a bit about the pins and needles?

So glad you able to do some nice things with dd and that there is hope of support from the nice lady from SS.

You can always ask if the pins and needles and lightheadedness could be side effects if you are worried about it.

I hope SS prove helpful, sounds like you've done some nice things with DD.

I'm surprised that they're arranging a meeting without you knowing, hope it works out.

They mentioned it a while ago and would I be ok with it. But I didn't know she was going to ring her today, and no one rang me to tell me it had been arranged. Hope things don't get worse.

Ahhh, that's ok then.

Are you on any meds Gracie?

Yeah, but because of Saturday, I ran out and haven't taken any since, but picking them up in the morning. I'm trying not to think about things as I know I'm going to panic. Wish i'd never ever told anyone in the first place.

I understand your wish, but we on here beg to differ

One day at a time, sadly there is no magic wand or ruby slippers, there is a yellow brick road though, for you to trudge, walk, skip and then dance along.

If you struggle when discharged from CT you can always call your CMHT during office hours and ask to talk to the duty worker as obviously your own cpn may be seeing other people, but they should have someone there on duty all day.

You say that "They say they'll put lots of support in place and be there to talk, then they say they're not there to provide therapy and I've got to take responsibility for myself." It might be worth asking people what they mean as if people are not specific it may not be helping and giving you unrealistic expectations. They could have meant "talk" as in asking for advice about how to get through the day, medication support etc. Day centres and CT's don't do therapy, that is the role of CMHT's etc.

When you meet with the SS lady do talk to her about money concerns as well, they may be able to help. Such as funding for nursery care if you cannot have your dd on your own. Also I made the mistake of trying to persuade them I did so much for my dc that they said, oh you do so much we can't offer anymore!!