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Original poster

So desperate

728 replies

GracieLoo · 03/05/2013 23:54

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 19/05/2013 08:09

Thinking of you Gracie, I hope things are improving.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 19/05/2013 08:17

Had a massive wake up call. Actually petrified of what might happen. Thought I hadn't taken many but got liver damage. So I'm on a drip for 24hours to repair the damage. So now that means I'll be in here until tomorrow, and I've got the ct to look forward to, with talk of child at risk meetings, and what's going to happen when I leave here.

Sat in 'majors' hooked up to loads of monitors, getting ignored by most of the nurses, don't blame them really. Got to sit here all day and another night, I suppose it's my punishment.

Texted dd's dad and praying he'll have her another night, didn't say what I'd done but said I was in hospital. Don't know what I'll do if he can't.

Actually just want to see dd and be the best mum, and actually scared of dying. What if I get liver failure now? Serves me right, but I'm more scared than I thought i'd be.

Sorry to have let you all down Sad

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 19/05/2013 08:23

You haven't let us down Gracie . Hopefully they'll move you to a ward. I hope you get the support you need, from family and professionals.

\thinking of you.

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/05/2013 08:23

You haven't let anyone down, thank goodness you are still here. You are ill, you will get better, hang on to the knowlege of what you really want, which is to be here and to care for DD. All love x

Thurlow · 19/05/2013 08:27

Oh, Gracie, you haven't let anyone down.

Please focus on how much you want to see your DD and be a mum to her. As silvery says, you have filters on your thinking right now which are altering the way you see things. Try and take things one hour at a time, and take the help they are offering you.

I hope you start to feel a bit better. Please come back and tell us how you are getting on.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/05/2013 10:39

Glad you're OK Gracie.
And that you know you just want to be the best mum you can to dd x
Nurses are probably more busy than judgemental - I was once a student nurse myself and we never had as much time to talk with patients as I would have liked.
I'm sure dd can stay at her dad's until you're feeling better.
Hope all goes well with repairing any damage to your liver.
All the best to you Gracie.
I think perhaps you should have been an in-patient a bit sooner, but I'm sure it's tricky for community health teams to make those judgements.
We all just have to keep trying to do our best hey, Gracie ?

violetsrblue · 19/05/2013 10:48

Thinking of you Gracie ((hug))

Hoophopes · 19/05/2013 13:37

Good to hear you are safe.
You say you are being ignored by the nurses but it sounds like you are struggling to think logically... They have given you the tests and treatment you need and in the nhs they are so so busy they cannot just sit and be with you. So sounds like you got good medical treatment.

Equally with referral to SS it is good they have told you what is happening. If they were really concerned about you they would not even tell you. They have duty of care for your dd so it would be standard practise to make a referral after two ambulance trips in recent times. They are treating you like everyone else, you are showing people you are suicidal, therefore they need SS to assess whether your dd is a child in need. It is not the dr's job to decide but SS when they see you. You may get allocated a support worker, respite care, special groups etc to help you ... Whatever they think you may need. It is your chance to ask for extra help. If you were admitted into hospital SS would also be contacted, it is standard practise so please do not worry about it. You are struggling and they need to check your dd is ok, just like they are trying to make sure there is no damage to you.

Hope you can get some sleep.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 19/05/2013 14:23

On a ward with nicer, calmer staff now, just feel other patients are judging me as people aren't discreet when they are discussing me. Don't want to say much else now, just sorry.

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TheSilveryPussycat · 19/05/2013 14:27

Well if you're in general hospital, many other patients won't understand Sad - though maybe some of them do - mh problems are widespread.

Where I am, there is a MH Liason Officer in the general hospitals - you could ask, if you feel up to it. Or the Chaplains are usually v nice, again you could ask to see one.

SnowyMouse · 19/05/2013 14:27

Take care Gracie, thinking of you, you'll get through this

JugglingFromHereToThere · 19/05/2013 14:38

Glad you're a bit happier with the new ward Gracie.
Most people just want to help I'm sure.
Have you got anything to do there ?
How are things ?

fluffydressinggown · 19/05/2013 16:12

I am pleased you are on a nicer ward. The other patients will be too wrapped up in their own problems to worry about yours, honestly.

The crisis team will probably see you soon and discuss what happens next, they want you to be safe and feel better.

Does your Mum know you are in hospital?

Try to sleep and relax, you are somewhere you are safe and being looked after.

Ilikethebreeze · 19/05/2013 16:20

[hugs] Gracie.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 19/05/2013 18:45

Family know I'm here but not the full extent. But enough.

Been hooked up to a drip the while time, and still got a few hours to go. But they've just done the bloods so fingers crossed. Still a bit worried that I feel emotionless and not tired considering I've hardly slept. A nice nurse gave me a hug, think I needed it. Still haven't seen crisis team so got all that to deal with, plus HV and lots of explaining to do tomorrow. Think the suicidal thoughts have lessoned, but think this is going to be a hard journey to recover.

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SnowyMouse · 19/05/2013 18:50

((((( Gracie ))))) I hope your blood tests come back ok. It sounds like you're communicating with them, which is good. It must be very difficult for you at the moment, hang on in there and it will get better, small steps.

fluffydressinggown · 19/05/2013 22:06

Hope your bloods are fine.

I think it is normal to feel a bit shell shocked after a serious overdose. I think the antidote drip makes you feel grim as well.

Take care of yourself, glad the nurse was lovely, try to get some sleep tonight. x

Original poster
GracieLoo · 20/05/2013 09:57

First lot of bloods weren't good, so had another bag of fluid and waiting for the next set of results. Didn't sleep well, broke down crying so was given a sleeping tablet. But had hallucinations again, so weird, seeing things move around and change shape, thought there were little people on the wall, and baby faces that are actually cardboard bowls piled up. Things seem to be normal again now but does that happen, they can come and go?!

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TheSilveryPussycat · 20/05/2013 10:04

You are v tired, apart from all the rest of it. Tiredness can cause our perceptions to play tricks on us, even without all the rest of it. So I wouldn't worry too much about 'seeing things', but notice whether it continues or not. And if it does, then mention it to your MH HCPs when you next see them.

SnowyMouse · 20/05/2013 10:09

Silvery has good advice. I hope your next blood test results are better, take care.

Hoophopes · 20/05/2013 14:39

Hi perhaps the overdose and medication to counter it is affecting you. Hope the fluid and sleep help right now.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 20/05/2013 17:13

In a taxi on my way home. Need to change, I really do. This is not good for anyone.

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SnowyMouse · 20/05/2013 17:22

Have they offered you any ongoing support? I hope so

JugglingFromHereToThere · 20/05/2013 17:37

Glad to hear you're well enough to go home Gracie.
Keep on getting all the support you need to look after yourself and dd x

Original poster
GracieLoo · 20/05/2013 18:07

It's nice to be home, and looking forward to seeing dd, so that's a positive thing to come out of this horrible experience. My head is full of worries, so going to write it all down to show at the day hospital tomorrow.

Feeling emotional, exhausted and vulnerable, but I want to get better. If I had been told my liver was so damaged and I was definitely going to die, I think I would actually be devastated. I just hope and pray I start to enjoy things a bit, and not find every single day a struggle.

The support hasn't changed yet, back to day hospital and crisis team, then cpn, but i'm going to ask if I can come to the day hospital for a bit longer.

Thanks everyone for being there, you don't know how much you've helped recently. Glad to be home, that hospital gown and bed socks wasn't the best look!

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