So desperate

[GracieLoo]

I wouldn't be posting this if I didn't care or wasn't scared but I am, and i don't know whats happening to me. I've started taking an od and I can't stop taking them, I don't care anymore, i'm tired of this, disappointing people and letting them down.

Ok, spoke to nurse from the day hospital, she wanted to make sure I was ok, asked what had happened yesterday. I said I shouldn't have done it. My mind is so blank at the moment, I don't even know what to say. She said to call ct if needed over the weekend and she'll see me on Monday, but as I know the supports ending wed and then I won't be under the ct anymore, it makes me feel I have to be better. There's no point in saying how I really feel as it won't make any difference.

The nurse asked if I've felt the day hospital has been helpful. For some reason this makes me feel they all think it hasn't helped so I shouldn't be there. Oh god, I don't know what to do anymore. I keep forgetting things and feel so low, but I can't say anything when I'm here with dd as today there's no one to have her so it would just cause panic. I think they see me as attention seeking and I'll always be like this so I might as well just get on with it, not much fun living every day with head full of dark thoughts though! Want to give up, I really do.

gracie why not print out your last post (13:39) and show it to your HCPs. You can edit anything you really don't want them to see, however, it gives a v clear picture of your state of mind. Which is: you don't know your state of mind, and who can blame you with all the possibilites floating around?

Ilike You're right, she doesn't have to go to day hospital, but I am concerned. Its clear from her posts that she's very poorly and if she decides not to engage it can go one way or the other in terms of the help she gets. If she is considered to be high risk and she gets more poorly then her choice may be taken from her and that is what I'm concerned about. I'm not going to get into a row with you on here as its not appropriate, but I have her best interests at heart.

Hi Gracie - thanks for calling and talking to them. Has day hospital helped you, do you think? They don't think your're attention seeking, they think you're poorly. If they thought you were after attention, they wouldn't offer the services that they are going.

You do need to say how you are feeling - honesty really is the best policy. They won't discarge you from the CT if it is helping you and you tell them that its helping you.

You have engaged with medical people for so long, that they should understand you by now, and know that you do not do things to attention seek.

Glad you got to talk to the nurse at the day hospital. You will not necessarily be discharged from the CT on Wed though. CT works with people up to a few weeks - a source of support for people who need extra help than a CMHT can give. So if you feel the CT is helpful to you, then tell them that.

Is your dd normally in day nursery each day of the week? Some places have charity groups run by mind or rethink, where you can go to and do activities, voluntarily. Can you ask your CPN when you next see them if there is anything like that you can go to if it would be helpful for you and your dd is in childcare?

Do phone the CT if you need extra support over the weekend. Do you have any nice, simple plans?

I feel so, so crap. Had a difficult day with dd, she hates me. Had dinner with family but I was impatient and lazy. My mum didn't want us there, could tell, and she made comments about always having to do stuff. Could tell she thought I was being horrible, and that's hard for me to deal with when she knows I'm struggling at the moment but being off with me doesn't help. Glad dd's at her dads tomorrow, I don't deserve to have her.

As far as plans go, not got good ones I'm afraid. Can't wait to be alone to be able to deal with these thoughts, and act on them. It's actually a relief to know I can. Maybe I'll think differently tomorrow, but I tried hard today, and couldn't have a good day with nice stuff in my head. Just want to be alone and away from everyone, especially those who don't understand or I'm making suffer.

One difficult say does not make a child hate their parent.
If you look on some threads on here, it takes many years before a daughter may hate their parent.
You may well have been impatient and lazy. You dont feel well, so that is not unexpected.
Yes, your mum may feel grumpy,overworked or whatever today. We all have days like that.

When I was poorly Gracie, my DD didn't want much to do with me either, but I found it difficult to want to spend time with her anyway. Believe me, when you're better your relationship with your DD will get back to how it was. Now DD wants to be with me all the time instead of being scared of how I was.

You love her. You know you do, its just hard to show it at the moment as you're so depressed. this isn't how its always going to be.

Keep going Gracie - enjoy the break from DD tomorrow, but get some more support over the weekend if you need it. Or maybe go and see someone, or do something nice with your free day ? Hope you have a good weekend x

If you were planning a nice, child free day, before this episode of ill health, what would you plan? What would it look like? Can you describe it to us, the things you would do or like to do? Then perhaps we can help you plan a safe day with rest and nice bits to it?

I feel like two people at the moment. Woke up and could hear dd was up and walking around playing, but I couldn't physically get up. Just waited until she came in, and I feel guilty i'm not happy to see her. Sometimes I feel nothing for her, then I get an overwhelming feeling of love, guilt and sadness that she's so innocent and doesn't deserve all this. Then I go back to feeling nothing but resentment and don't want to be around her.

Before I was this bad, I would spend a child free day shopping, sorting the house out, going out with friends. But anxiety is stopping me, and the feeling of whats the point, everything feels pointless. Now dd is shouting at me because I won't let her stick selotape everywhere, I want to curl up and cry! I don't feel like the adult. I'm trying to be patient and nice, but she's really playing up.

When it's like this, it is easier to think about not being here, because i'm making everyone unhappy. Wondering if there's any point in calling ct today, or if it will make me feel worse.

Your DD sounds like a very normal little girl to me.
I expect she sees you as a normal mother too.

I remember my childrens' looong sellotape phase.
I used to resent quite how much sellotape they got through. Then eventually realised that it is cheap form of childrens' entertainment, and brought them a lot of fun.
Can you provide her with some things she can sellotape, such as pretty paper, a cardboard box, toilet roll tubes etc?

Can I ask how long you have been this bad for?

Now I'm questioning why didn't I think of letting her do it with things she can tape up, I should be able to do these things without thinking about it, now I just seem to cause more upset than necessary. She's made a tent now, and I'm lying on my bed thinking about getting ready to drop her off. Should have bathed her but can't be bothered.

I'm losing track of time, but looking back at posts, been like this for about a month, so really I shouldn't still be this bad, and still having suicidal thoughts and finding every day a struggle. But got a confession, woke up in a panic as can't remember when I last took meds, think I've missed two days, completely unintentional. Another thing that I've started thinking, is my dad is saying come join him, it is for the best.

If you're having thought thoughts Gracie then call the CT. That's what they're there for. Ring them up, tell them and take their advice.

Also take your meds now you've remembered. Forgetting is quite normal - do you have a phone you could set an alarm on, to help you remember? I have to do that and I'm well at the moment.

When I was poorly and found it hard to entertain DD I discovered two sorts of easy entertainment that you can try today- loads of paper, strips of stickers. Make sticker pictures. I was always amazed at how long I could entertain a 3yo with stickers. Stick them on each other, she'll enjoy it. Also the evil that is playdoh. All it takes if for you to make snakes and she will do the rest.

I'm sure that if your Dad could talk to you now, after seeing how much his death has hurt and damaged you, he would tell you to stay alive so you don't put your DD through the same.

If you need support today Gracie then please do call your CPN, or whoever is your best support. Hope you can have a nice break today, and do something relaxing to recharge your batteries a bit whilst DD with her father ?

Thank you, need advice on basic stuff right now, appreciate it but makes me feel useless. Sat outside a shop now, need to go in and get stuff, but I'm finding it so hard! Also I want to buy booze and pills, and I know I'm going to which is stupid. Keep thinking, right, dd needs a couple of things, I need some food etc, but then I think all I actually want to do is numb things today, not feel anything for a while. Oh crap!

The crisis team could help you think thngs through Gracie

Go and get the food you need. Don't get booze or pills you do not need them in house. Instead get a nice treat for yourself, glossy mag, choc or other nice comfort food. What food do you like Gracie i love frerro rocche chocolates but cant spell it !

Sorry only just realised the time you posted.

Been asleep, so sleepy. Could sleep all day, just hate waking up.

Well done getting through the day. Good if you've got some rest.
Is DD back home later ?
I quite like an afternoon nap these days too

Things are getting hard, tried to ignore these feelings but can't. Should phone ct but scared, I will, I have to.

You can phone them