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Mental health

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Original poster

There is nothing I can do!

70 replies

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 00:30

I have never posted in this section before but really felt like I need to talk to "someone"
I have always been fairly happy with my life, I have always worked up town and been well paid, am happily married and things were ticking along nicely. Then I fell pregnant with ds - dh and I were over the moon, it was what we had wanted and we had worked out that we were lucky enough for me to be able to give up work when ds was born as his wages would cover our expenses. Things were brilliant
Then - after ds was born - dh went back to work after his PL and was unfairly dismissed he was out of work for 9 months and we had no money coming in, so we had to run up our credit card (which I have never used before) and spend our savings to get by, we started proceedings with the CAB as his company owed us £1,500 in unpaid wages and bonus.
Because of this we had to sell one of our cars as well to make ends meet - then our other car was stolen, with ds's car seat and travel system in it, the insurance company only paid enough to cover the finance on the car and wouldn't pay out for the baby things, so we were left without a car (which meant that dh couldn't get to any interviews he had) and without a pram which meant I couldn't even walk anywhere! Then just after that dh's sister got run over and was in a coma for 4 months - I thought that things couldn't get any worse.
DH eventually got a new job but he had to settle for £5,000 less a year which meant his wages no longer covered our expenses and this is where we are now
I have cut everything down to a bear minimum but our outgoing are more than our income! I can't even claim WFTC because his old firm have not provided a P60.
We heard from the CAb today that our court case for the unfair dismissal has been cancelled because the company have gone into liquidation (so we won't even get what was owed to us there) and to top it all we are expecting our 2nd baby in October ......... we really wanted another but I feel vvv. irresponsible as I am now unable to get a job until after then and we can't afford anything for the new baby - I just wish that I could feel happier about the future.
DH gets paid on 21st of the month and between us we have £5 until then, we have no food in the cupboards at all and my poor ds is running out of clothes! How on earth am I going to provide for the new baby as well, I can't even keep the 3 of us afloat!
Soooo sorry for the rant but I can't seem to admit to anybody in RL how bad things are
Has anyone got any suggestions? It has been the worst 17 months of my life.

OP posts:

fastasleep · 10/05/2006 00:35

Just wanted to say, you're not alone M2T xxx

sorry, v tired, long night.

Original poster

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 00:39

Thanks for replying fastasleep,
I am tending not to go to bed until I am ready to drop beacause I can't really switch off from things - It's good to know I am not alone

OP posts:

Mytwopenceworth · 10/05/2006 00:52

i do understand. believe me! i assume you are doing all the practical things like professional help with the financial side of things - advice, maybe iva or such?

re food, do you have a family member who could help you?

i have an very bad ongoing situation which i wont bore you with, but i do understand. i know how hard it is, how you lie awake at night, how you are so mentally tired all the time and how you feel a total failure as a parent.

suggestions?

get financial advice
go to gp, maybe you could do with support if you are depressed
no matter how bad things get, dont take it out on your other half. you are all each other has, if you hack away at one another you really have lost everything. trust me on that.
talk to tax credit people see if you can give them an estimated income then they can make interim payments - they did that for us, but then dh was self employed, so not sure if that is why, or if its different if you are employed

it is hard, but you have to keep telling yourself that it wont always be like this, that you will make it thru this. you have to keep hope.

Original poster

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 10:50

mytwopenceworth, Thanks for that, I have sought financial help but there is nothing really that anybody can do as everything is at the bear minimum at the moment I normally do look on the bright side of things and keep telling myself that things will get better but with this things have just been getting worse and worse for the last 17 months. DH has just had to book some holiday from work as we don't even have the train fare for him to get there!
I feel like if i ask a family member for help, we will only have to pay the money back and I can't see that we will manage to do that, so I would rather struggle through until pay day (on which I can pay the outstanding bills and get a little bit of food but then it's all gone)- I think I might book a drs appt for today because I have also come out in a very angry rash all over (I think it is to do with stress) maybe they can suggest something. Thank you for your message

OP posts:

foxinsocks · 10/05/2006 10:55

how old is your boy? if you need clothes then let me know as I will be going through ds's old stuff quite soon

Could you do some local babysitting or ironing to earn a few extra pounds? Even leaflet dropping for estate agents while you take ds out for a walk?

Original poster

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 11:20

foxinsocks - my ds is 17 months. I have asked about leaflet dropping but it is done by their own staff, DH doesn't get home until 8:00pm (because of the train travelling) so it is a bit late to do babysitting and I am hopeless at ironing, wish I wasn't but I do my own at 9:00pm when ds is in bed as it is the only safe time and even then it doesn't look like it's been ironed thank you for your ideas, it is good to get other perspectives

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 10/05/2006 11:32

Mummy2Toby, let me know what sort of boys clothes and sizes you need for your DS and I'll get up in the loft. After 2 DSs I now have a DD so not everything is appropriate for her! My younges DS is now 5 so has well outgrown anything your DS would need.

Email me on huffahorse at hotmail dot com

beety · 10/05/2006 11:42

mummy2toby. Where abouts in the country are you? what sort of skills do you have?

beety · 10/05/2006 11:43

could your dh get a part time job in theevenings for a while? or coul you do some bar work? have yousomeone to mind toby for a few hours (mum or soeone)

Original poster

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 13:14

beety - I am in Essex, I am unable to do bar work at the moment as I am 4 months pg and nobody wants to employ me (I have tried) and DH doesn't get home until 8:00pm in the evenings so evening work is a bit awkward for him as well - he is looking into maybe doing some labouring at the weekends to try and get some extra money, so all our hopes are pinned on that atm.
I have nobody to look after Toby, my sister has just got divorced and has had to go back to work full time so my mum has her ds 5 days a week and couldn't cope with Toby as well - I have only left him 4 times since he has been born, there is nobody to take him.
Soupdragon - thank you for the offer, but I would hate to think that I couldn't give you anything for your kindness, you could earn some money yourself selling the bits through ebay?

OP posts:

beety · 10/05/2006 13:55

what about evening work from home? typing? stuffing envelopes or =something?

cornishmummy · 10/05/2006 14:15

mummytotoby, I don't really have any further suggestions but just wanted you to know you are definately not alone. It has to be the hardest time having little ones and not being able to make ends meet. This won't last forever and you WILL get through it. Have you thought of selling any old things on e-bay? Can be a good way to make some cash.

teacakes · 10/05/2006 14:18

M2T
like CM no advice just support.

moneyexpert is a good site that has suggestions on cutting costs...
\link{http://blog.moneysavingexpert.com}

teacakes · 10/05/2006 14:18

M2T
like CM no advice just support.

moneyexpert is a good site that has suggestions on cutting costs...
\link{http://blog.moneysavingexpert.com}

cyan · 10/05/2006 14:23

Mummy2toby> I am doing an NCT sale next Saturday, anything I dont sell I will happily split between you and Izzyrubi, as I think it will be quite sometime before I have another one. And seriously I wouldn't want anything for it. If I can remember (from when you posted on the modellling thread) Toby is around my LOs age, so the clothes prob wont be of any use for him, but perhaps for the new baby. I also have a travel system which I am hoping to rehome, along with lots of other bits and pieces.

I'm not doing it out of pity, I too have been through shit and back whilst supporting myself and my son through my final year at uni. I just hope that it can help in some way.

Just let me know what you need, [email protected]

Take Care

bossykate · 10/05/2006 14:26

so sorry to read your message. what about jobseeker's allowance? if you're actively looking for work, surely you would be entitled to this? also, i would ask CAB to advise you further with WFTC - it seems desperately unfair that you are being punished because dh's old firm have been rubbish and are now in liquidation. the only other thing i can think of is that you consider moving for a while to a cheaper place - would that be a possibility?

bossykate · 10/05/2006 14:29

\link{http://www.jobcentreplus.gov.uk/JCP/Customers/WorkingAgeBenefits/Jobseekerallowance/index.html\Job Seekers Allowance}

compo · 10/05/2006 14:29

Surely if you explained to your parents and to dh's parents that you only have £5 for food for the next 2 weeks they would give you a little bit of money rather than loaning it? After all it is their grandchild that needs to be fed and clothed

bossykate · 10/05/2006 14:30

also, i think it is CTC not WFTC you would be getting unless and until you are working yourself. the CAB should be able to advise you on benefits you can claim, i would think.

compo · 10/05/2006 14:31

also if you do manage to go onto Job Seekers Allowance you will be entitled to \link{http://www.dwp.gov.uk/publications/dwp/2002/maternity/index.asp\this)

compo · 10/05/2006 14:31

\link{http://www.dwp.gov.uk/publications/dwp/2002/maternity/index.asp\try again!}

bossykate · 10/05/2006 14:33

also, here is an on-line benefits and tax credits calculator that might be of use. \link{http://www.entitled2.co.uk/under60.asp\Entitled2.co.uk}

Aero · 10/05/2006 14:38

I have some 18-24mths boys clothes ds2 has recently out grown - you can have them if you like. I wouldn't want anything for them other than to know they would be useful to someone.

Original poster

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 15:32

Thank you all soooo much for your kind messages - they have made me cry!
I won't be able to claim Job seekers allowance I don't think because I am pg.
I have applied for the stuffing envelpoes etc but they all want me to send money to them first - and I don't have the money to take the risk!
Cyan - that is soo kind of you
We have talked about moving out further (maybe Norfolk or somewhere) but because I am now longer working, we would not even be offered the amount of mortgage we have now, so we would actually be worse off!
I am so sorry to sound so negative, these are all great ideas - it's just that we have already thought of most things and don't seem to be able to get out of it at all. The links were great - thanks.
As I said DH is off work tomorrow (cos we can't afford for him to get there) so we are going into our local advice centre to see if we qualify for council tax reduction etc - fingers crossed.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mummy2Toby · 10/05/2006 15:33

Oh - and we have nothing left to sell on Ebay except ourselves

OP posts:

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