Bipolar support thread?

[Crawling]

Ive noticed there are quite a few of us and thought maybe a thread for us would be good. All are welcome those diagnosed and those awaiting diagnosis.

Ill start with Ive been depressed so long now I dont remember how I used to feel, yet id still prefer this to mania as the havoc I reaked last time was very painful to clean up after my episode. If I had to chart my mood today between 1-10 1 being I cant think how to make a cup of tea and 5 being good 10 being the tv is talking to me and I must go out now im about a 3 today what about you guys?

Hi Can i join you all......recently diagnosed bipolar...sorry but i have not read any other posts my concentration is totally to shit at the moment. Just sat here waiting for the crisis team who are meant to come in the next two hours.
Had all my med's changed this week and i've gone from hyper to low low low i've done nothing but fidget and cry all day...i can't cope with all these feelings and moods that change too quickly...don't know what i'm asking of anyone just wanted to feel i'm not on my own and that i can get better...will i get better? I've two kids dependent on me i can't fall to pieces i have got to function.

Hi all... Poking my head in here if I may. My diagnosis is currently cyclothymia but I'm in the middle of an incapacitating depressed period and going back to the Dr on Weds so who knows what will happen then... I am rapid cycling (periods usually last around 2 weeks). I have been self-medicating with alcohol this week even though i know it makes it worse, and self harming. Wednesday seems like an age away :(

Another sufferer here. Since being diagnosed, from severe depression to bipolar, I have been on new drugs. They have changed my life. I never realised that this is how most people felt, and not so up and down.

One bad thing is looking back at my life, and all the decisions I made while being bipolar and without treatment. If I look back I have been like this since puberty and as said before, always thought this is how everyone was.

I am married to the boyfriend I met at school. He looked after me, and I felt safe. We have 3 children. But all my decisions that I have made in the past feel wrong. I feel like I did everything to make things feel better, because I never felt I had the courage to go it alone as everything felt so fragile.

I think I'm having a bit of a life crisis. I am nearly 40, been married 10 years, with 3 lovely but demanding children. I am regretting the decisions I have made. I wish I had done so much more. I wish I had made more of my freedom. I even wish I had slept about a bit more. I just feel I did anything to escape the big decisions I needed to make.

Anyone else felt like this? I just don't what to do and it's really affecting how I feel and my relationships with my children and family.

Hello y'all.

Yes, when I was first diagnosed and looked back on my life, I did have a little bit of grief about how my life may have worked out if I'd not been ill. But it doesn't mean it would be any better. There's lots of folk out there who don't have Bipolar, who'd dream of having a happy marriage and children, so the grass isn't always greener. No one makes great decisions all of the time either. Everyone procrastinates or fucks up occasionally.

Sunshineandfreedom :( I hope you get the support you need from your GP as self-harming is never good and its such a short term, and damaging fix.

JuneyWooney - how are you doing? Did the crisis team help you? I have two small DCs to and worry about how my illness affects them. Caring for children when your mood is all over the place is a nightmare. Do you have anyone to help you out.

Crawling - just seen your thread. Hope you get everything even again soon.

Thanks Babyheave for asking.........the crisis team have helped a bit. It's just going to take time for my new med's to kick in and hopefully i won't be so all over the place. My kids are 5 and 3 and it is so hard i am so worried it will affect them, i do have my inlaws nearby to help out a bit so at least im not totally on my own and my husband is great when he's home from work and will entertain them to give me a break.

I've read through a few posts and can identify so much with you all. At the moment im so bitter and angry and looking back since i was a teenager the pattern and how they did not pick it up, they just treated me for depression had ECT various med's, been on anti depressants since i was 15. I'm mostly to blame though as i moved around so much to get away from the destruction i had caused...start a fresh, done that so many times but that has meant i've had different gp's and psychiatrists in various counties so i suppose i just slipped through the net.

My psychiatrist said last week i had rapid cycling as i am up and down at the same time and just so anxious but excited at the same time, since my med's stopped and i've been put on a mood stabiliser i feel very low mostly with less moments of the hyper but to be honest i felt happier in a way when i was hyper, not sure my hubby did though as i was drinking more and asked him if we could go to a swingers club lol! Daft thing is i still want to, i want sex with someone else and i don't know why as i love my husband!

Hi ladies,

I am currently on ESA and in the support group. I suffer with bipolar disorder and agoraphobia. I am about to see my GP as fybromyalgia is also suspected. Has anyone in the support group been called for a Work Capability Assessment by Atos? I'm terrified it's going to happen soon as I will have been on ESA for a year this May and that they will not consider my bipolar disorder sufficient and will declare me fit for work.

The anxiety is making my illness worse.

I also need to contact the DWP regarding my Disability Living Allowance as I am currently on the lower rate and given my inability to leave the house without someone with me, and my exhaustion, brain fog and pain from the fybro I feel I should be on a higher rate.

I have someone who cares for me who stays with me 4-5 nights a week as a rule, but who has been staying all week with me recently as I have been so low.

Trying to get an emergency appointment with my psych. Was promised a call back today but nothing so far. I can't phone them again as the lady I spoke to was dismissive and nosey about my illness and "how bad" I was feeling, which I felt was inappropriate from a receptionist and I can't face speaking to her again. As it is I have difficulty dealing with people on the phone.

I used to have a fairly responsible and very busy, stressful job, but in the last 16 months my illness has become increasingly debilitating and I don't hold out much hope for the future at the moment. I can barely get out of bed. Everything exhausts me. I just want to sleep all the time.

Sorry for the me, me, me post. Just feeling really low at the moment

Doctorwhofan, you sound like you've been through a lot. It is so difficult when you're feeling so low to speak to someone like that receptionist. Could the person you have helping you call for you?

Juney, I know what you mean re sex. I have an amazing husband yet I often think about trashing it all by going out and picking someone up. Hasn't happened for a bit since my dosage for meds have been sorted out.

Babyheave, I think you're right, it is a sort of grieving for the life you could have had, although who knows whether it would have been better. I have 3 amazing children and a husband who loves me. I should be celebrating that. In fact I'm going to try to be more positive and appreciate what I have.

Oh I am so pissed off. I wrote replies to all of you and the sodding site fell over when I posted. I'm now too grumpy to write it all again now, so will update later!

GRRRR

Very true luckywinner........ having a lovely husband and healthy kids was all i ever wanted and i have got it, yet still get so depressed. I finally get that it is because of my illness i feel that way, i am still thankful i have them, yet sometimes you get these pull your socks up, snap out of it people telling me to be grateful for what i have grrrrrrrr!

How annoying Babyheave......i'm annoyed for you lol! x

My partner and I are trying for a baby at the moment (a first for both of us) but I'm now wondering if I should be trying given how ill I've been feeling lately. Anyone got any input fot me?

Doctorwhofan I have had three dc all med free and I have never since my illness started felt as stable. For some reason it makes me better. I was in the middle of a bad depression when I caught for dc 3 and by the time I was 4 weeks pg the depression had gone.

DoctorWhoFan, I think it really depends. Do you have any dc? I am guessing no, so sorry if this sounds patronising! I have had 3 dc. Two of them I was in and out of depression (undiagnosed at the time). It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do, but also it got me out of bed every day. I do remember at my worst (suicidal) I felt I was poisoning my children just being their mother. I had no psychiatric support at this time and had at best an incredibly patronising doctor. When I got pregnant with dc3 I was on antidepressants that they recommend you don't take when you are pregnant. She has been the easiest baby to have, and I have really enjoyed her, despite conceiving when I was only just coming out of the worst time of my life. I don't know if any of this helps but you will always be you, you will always have bipolar. What you need to work out is will you have enough support and help on the days that are bad?

We all have our bad days. You just need to work out an action plan for when they come. And just because you are bipolar does not mean you shouldn't have children. You just need a plan, for you and also your partner and baby. I had amazing care when I was pregnant with dc 3 as they knew my history. They referred me to a perinatal psychiatrist and I had regular appointments with my psychiatrist. In fact it was the easiest pregnancy as I was so well looked after!

I have just wittered on about me, sorry, but does any of that help?

Hi Doctorwhofan, I was the most stable and well that i have ever been throughout my two pregnancies and breastfeeding, i was on med's for both and was referred to a perinatal psychiatrist due to my history. She was lovely, changed my med's to something that was safer to use in pregnancy and breastfeeding and i was discharged with no problems after both. It was only after i had stopped breastfeeding my second that i got ill again....it's strange really.

Both children are healthy and have no problems.

Like Lucky winner says just because you have bipolar doesn't mean you can't have children. xx

I've stopped being cross about losing my post now, so I'm back and will copy and paste this before I hit send.

Juney - glad that you have some support out there. I'm not capable of looking after my children when I'm ill. I just can't do it. I'm either horrible to them or I just can't communicate. Thankfully my DH and the GPs are very good and step in. The guilt is hideous though, especially afterwards when I realise what an utter cow of a mother I've been.

Rapid cycling is a nightmare - I find mixed periods the hardest to deal with. One day is up, one day is down. The worst ones are when I'm down, but have loads of energy as that's when it gets dangerous.

I'm not with you all about other men though! When I'm depressed I have no sex drive at all and even with my DH takes monumental effort. Now I am medicated I can't be arsed either. When I'm high I do think that everyone fancies me and I'm irresistible, but haven't done anything dodgy for a number of years now. Hopefully I'm just too old now

DrWhoFan - yes you should def be on a higher rate of DLA. The key is to say that you need the help for at least 20 or 30 mins for each thing you put down. Give the appeal a go - some people get it put up on appeal. Do you have someone who can give a statement on your behalf? I was fortunate enough to have a psych and my care-co who gave a detailed report on how ill I had been and how unstable I was at the moment.

As for babies - I had both of mine before I was diagnosed. After DC1 I was horribly depressed, then had a manic period where I relocated my entire family nearly 400 miles. After DC2 I had a manic period when I spent nearly £800 on a number of pushchairs, before dipping into the worst depression I had in years. Strangely when I was PG I was incredibly stable and on no meds at all. It seems to affect people differently. My friend who also has bipolar was stable during PG then went a bit bonkers afterwards. I think so long as you get back onto meds once the baby is born, it could work out just fine. Having bipolar shouldn't mean a no to children.

Apart from all of that waffle - how are you all?

My peri natal psych specialises in bipolar and says it is common/normal for patients to be stable through pregnancy, something to do with the hormones

Hi Babyheave, how do the gp's help you with your kids when you are ill? Im seriously struggling at the moment, school holidays and i'm just shouting at them for the slightest thing then feel so awful that i cry. I have to run upstairs so they don't see me, there's only so much of mummy's got a sore belly, stubbed her toe that they will take. My mood is still all over the place at the moment, it's a combination of the sudden stop of three different med's and i have only been on my new one Depakote for just over a week which one of the cpn's from the crisis team said takes longer than a lot of other med's to get properly into your system and start working. I have some clonazepam too which i can take as required but don't want to be too drowsy so only take a small amount when my anxiety get's really bad.
My inlaw's know what is going on but have not offered to have the children over the holiday's yet. My husband is great when he is here but works long hours. I'm just not sure what to do?!

I had a letter from social services recently as i ended up in A&E it wasn't an overdose really (whole other story) and the hospital had to contact social services. I had a letter from them saying hey weren't going to come out to us....phew as i had been panicking but it said in the letter they may be able to help. I keep thinking maybe i should ask them to help but the other half of me thinks what if they take my kid's away from me, that just couldn't happen i just couldn't live without them. Talking about this has set me off crying......have to head upstairs, x

Actually ignore that Babyheave i was thinking you meant your gp but you probably mean the grandparents.......got to get used to all these abbreviations. xxx

[bugrin] yes the abbreviations are a bit confusing aren't they!

How is everyone this morning?

Hi all, I have name changed. Not really sure why.

I haven't got a diagnosis of bipolar but am really starting to think that it might be what I'm suffering from. From the looks of it, probably Bipolar II.

My moods have been up and down for a very long time now. I used to self harm but not so much now all though I will every so often have a complete meltdown and hit myself. Last night was the worst. I told my DP that I didn't know why he was with me, that I was horrible, that I just want to die, repeatedly. I was hitting myself repeatedly. He didn't know what to do and in the cold light of day this morning I saw how much I had hurt him. He really thought I was going to kill myself and is terrified of that. I won't - I don't think I will anyway. It is just at the moment I want to stop all the emotional pain I feel. I don't want to take my life though. It was horrible to see him so upset this morning. I can't believe I hurt him that much and he said so many wonderful things to me about what a lovely person I am this morning. I realised that as worthless as I feel to myself right now I'm not to him. He didn't want to leave me tonight but I eventually convinced him to. He's been looking forward to this evening for ages and I so didn't want him to miss it because of me. He just kept saying how could he trust that I wouldn't hurt myself as it only takes a split second of anger or hurt for me to do it and that he could never forgive himself if he had left me and I did anything.

I am in counselling at the moment and established at my second to last session that I seem to experience emotions excessively if that makes sense. If the slightest thing happens that's bad, I get so down about it. If something good happens like someone tells me I have done well at work I will feel like I'm on top of the world. I will start calculating how I'm going to do really well, get a pay rise, do even better and before I know it in my head I feel like I can do anything and Im going to run the world! There's also the times when I'm just excessively happy for no reason at all and it is like I have a strong feeling of adrenaline inside that won't go away. It's as though I'm constantly excited.

I swing from being so excited for no reason at all to being really depressed where the slightest thing that happens feel devastating. At times I am so so irritable with people as well and for no reason. My mother said yesterday on the phone 'oh I thought you were working today' which resulted in me snapping at her because the question really irritated me. But I have no idea why. It isn't a big deal. Why do I respond in this way? I had got better at controlling the irritability but it has returned really badly the past couple of weeks and I hate the way I speak to other people. I also struggle to sit still at times. My mind starts racing, I get more and more anxious and I need to do something with my hands which usually results in me self harming.

I don't know where to go from here. I have promised my DP I will go to my GP this week. But how do I raise the fact that I think I could have bipolar with the GP? I don't want them to feel that I have been doing too much googling and have put two and two together or think I'm silly. I'm also concerned about taking medication and it making me worse or it not working.

I can't go on like this. At the moment I'm scared as I haven't done some things at work that I should have done. The deadline was last Wednesday. It is now Saturday. I don't want to be signed off sick as I think I'll sit at home all day dwelling but at the same time I'm not being productive. I feel a bit like I am self destructing.

If you have read this far thank you. Any advice would be really gratefully received.

I think seeing the GP is best. Have you read about Borderline Personality Disorder?

How much weight have you gained on meds and what meds?

Thanks for the response Scheherezade.

Yes, I have although it doesn't seem to fit the way I am quite so well.

I am going to try and see the GP on Thursday which is when I have my counselling appointment anyway. I don't know how to raise my suspicions about it possibly being bipolar disorder. That sounds silly as I surely just have to mention it but I'm so worried about suggesting it. What would happen? Could the GP diagnose or would I need to see a specialist.

I'm feeling a little brighter today but have just slept for nearly 12 hours when I would usually sleep for less than 7 and was sat in bed all day yesterday. When I have my complete meltdowns I find them so exhausting that afterwards I could just sleep.

Jellyhandsandfingers I wouldnt mention that you think its bipolar. Its a very popular illness for people to pretend they have particularly type 2. Also people with borderline also seem to prefer to have bipolar than borderline. As one is biological but the other is seen by borderlines as a personality flaw.

Personally I reccommend writing all and any symptons you have in bullet points and give it to your gp. He will then refer you and a pychiatrist will decide if it is bipolar. I also advice you that unfortunatly waiting lists for pychiatrist can be very long.

In the meantime if you get dangerously ill either contact crisis or go to your local a and e. HTH