Pros and Cons

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

Does anyone else make pro/con lists with regards to suicide? I have such an urge to end it all but I'm still rational, and I'm constantly making and updating a pro/con list, because I've convinced myself that if I can't get it to balance then I'm justified in dying. I talked about it a bit with my GP and we had an interesting discussion about why suicide was decriminalised, but it felt like I was watching myself chatting to him, rather than actually being engaged with the conversation.

I don't really understand how I can manage to be so detached that I can carry on existing, tidying up loose ends, whilst at the same time planning and planning. The pro side of the list is getting longer everyday and I don't think it will ever balance, so I guess that I have my answer. It's a strangely comforting thought, really.

Sorry, reading this back it is all rambling, just ignore.

Hi.
Not quite sure what to say, so am partly bumping this.
How long have you been making the list for?

Been making the list for the last few months, think it is pretty much done now. Makes me feel content.

Are you on ADs?

No, I'm not ill. I'm me.

On the other thread you say you have depression and PTSD.

When you went and saw the GP, what did he say, and did he put you on some pills.

Yes I have depression and PTSD, but I'm not ill. I'm perfectly rational, hold down a full time job and have caring responsibilities. I'm just depressed and don't like living. That's my normal state. I'm not ill as such, so medication doesn't change anything as I do not have a brain chemistry problem.

I have several more questions.
Is it all right if I ask them?
I am not a professional.

Yes its fine.

Can you describe how you feel?
I dont really know much about PTSD. Did you witness something horrid?

I just feel that there is no point to me. I'm unhappy and a drain and would like to go to sleep.

I didn't witness something horrid, no.

There most definitely is a point to you.
I think you have children?

Do you have a partner?

I don't have children or a partner. I can't have either. I take up precious air, time, resources that could be used by others to much better effect.

Actually, I have had another look at your other thread.
You talked about siblings. I got a bit confused and thought you had children. Perhaps you dont.

Either way, you are definitely important.

x post.

[hugs]

Is there anyone with you?
Do you have friends?

You strike me as being bright and articulate.

Do you feel trapped sometimes, looking after your sisters children?

I don't feel trapped, this is my life. I care for my mother, I look after my nieces and nephew when necessary and I do what people need me to do. I just don't really want to be alive, and my list suggests that there is little reason to be.

Do you have time enough to do nice things for yourself?

Very glad you came back, btw.

I work full time and I'm my mother's carer, and I have to work in the evenings, so no, not really. When I'm looking after the children as well I have to stay up until 2ish to get things done for work, so there is little time.

I'm just of the view that if your life isn't worth living, and you can't change it, why would you want to go on living it?

That is too much of a workload for most people. Definitely me for one.
I am also wondering when you last got some proper time off to yourself?

I have holiday time, but the caring increases then. It doesn't really matter. If I'm alive I have to do these things. If I'm dead I don't. Seems simple.

I think all the working you are doing is bound to have an impact on your life.
Is there any way that someone can help you out with it all at all?

But it is my life, it has always been my life.

Are you able to change a little bit of it?