Pros and Cons

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

Does anyone else make pro/con lists with regards to suicide? I have such an urge to end it all but I'm still rational, and I'm constantly making and updating a pro/con list, because I've convinced myself that if I can't get it to balance then I'm justified in dying. I talked about it a bit with my GP and we had an interesting discussion about why suicide was decriminalised, but it felt like I was watching myself chatting to him, rather than actually being engaged with the conversation.

I don't really understand how I can manage to be so detached that I can carry on existing, tidying up loose ends, whilst at the same time planning and planning. The pro side of the list is getting longer everyday and I don't think it will ever balance, so I guess that I have my answer. It's a strangely comforting thought, really.

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

I'm able to change all of it. Dramatic changes to bring greatest reward.

[amillionyears]

No, Little changes
Or even a bit bigger than little changes, but not great big changes.

Little changes can help.

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

One great big change. It is coming and it is wonderful. I'm content, that's all I've ever wanted and knowing it will all be at an end soon makes me content.

[inneedofchocolate]

I have not read your other thread but what you have said on this one is deeply concerning. I know that you have spoken to your doctor but have you spoken to anyone else about how you are feeling?

You sound lonely and seem to have a lot of responsibility on your shoulders in caring for your Mother.

It really can make all the difference if you speak to qualified professionals or other people in RL who are in a similar position and feel trapped.

Please do not focus on the end or it will consume you. You need to value yourself more and build on your self-worth. Try and make some new beginnings, take little steps to change things but please, please go and speak to someone.

[amillionyears]

Apart from your GP, have you talked to anyone else about what you are feeling?

[Somebodysomewhere]

Hi sorry to gate crash the thread. I just wanted you to know you saying "Im not ill its just me" is exactly what i have said regarding my depressive state. For me its more a part of my personality rather than anything else. Its who i am the way my body works. Not like some people who "get" depressed IYSWIM ?

However that said it does (for me personally i mean) change with drugs but they have to be the right ones. Have you tried any drugs before ? Did they not work for you ?

[amillionyears]

x post with inneedofchocolate.

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

I've had lots of ADs, but I don't need them. They made no difference anyway. I'm sorted now. Thanks for your concern.

[Flojobunny]

OP I know exactly how you feel and no one gets it. As soon as you say you don't want to live, everyone assumes you are depressed and need help.
It's clear you look at your life in abstract form. You say you have nothing to live for and can't change it. Why can't you change it? You are your mothers carer etc but if you are dead you won't be so why don't you live and not be? Assuming that is what is stopping you going off and grabbing life with both hands.

[Flojobunny]

What helps me is, I think of people in very poor countries, women who are my age who's life has been a struggle, who's children have just starved to death etc and think of their pros and cons list compared to mine.
Sometimes when you are depressed, like I was recently, you lose sight of that and everyone else in the world and become consumed by your own feelings of worth.

[inneedofchocolate]

Talking with someone can really help and it can make a difference.

So many people can feel alone even when they are surrounded with people. Having someone to talk to who really listens to you and who can help you to explore all your feelings and experiences can make a huge impact on your life and how you feel about yourself.

Don't give up on yourself so easily. You matter, you are important and you deserve to be happy.

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

If I stop doing what I do my life gets even worse. No-one will even talk to me then. If I'm dead I can't be punished for it. I'm 32, I've been here long enough to know that things aren't going to change.

[amillionyears]

Ambrosia, I think you need a break.
People cannot or most certainly should not blame you for that.

What would happen if you went away for a week to say a B&B. Even if you only stayed in your room most of the time, slept, read a book, went for a walk.

[Flojobunny]

I'm 33 and things only change if you are proactive and change them. One thing I have learnt is no one will help you. You have to shout very loud and knock on a lot of door before any one realises you need it.
The trick is, working out what it is that you want/need to change and whether it would actually make you happy.

[inneedofchocolate]

You sound defeated.

What would have to change in your life in order for you to be happy?

[Flojobunny]

You sound stressed more than depressed. You sound like you need some time out to really evaluate your life. I second a holiday. Time to scrap the pros and cons list and write a list of what you need to make your life worthwhile in your eyes.

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

I can't go away as there is no-one who would look after my mum or my cat who needs injections twice a day. I've never been happy, so I can't see why I ever would be. It is what it is. You can either live with it or you can't. I can't.

[inneedofchocolate]

But you are talking about suicide- surely that is the ultimate going away?

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

Yes, but I wouldn't be here then. I would be at an end. Other people would then do what they had to. The dead don't feel guilt or anything else for that matter.

[inneedofchocolate]

Tell me about why you have never been happy?

What has led you to reach this point and make this decision?

[Flojobunny]

If you jumped in your car and drove off, other people would also do what they had to.

[inneedofchocolate]

Everything you say screams out 'escape' to me. It feels like that is what you want to do.

[Flojobunny]

I think u feel too pressured with responsibility. I think what you ultimately want is to escape from all those responsibilities without any repercussions.
I think you are worrying to much about what everyone else would think instead of realising you are at breaking point and need to put yourself first before its too late.

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

But I would then be in trouble. I'm 32. I get up at 5:30 to sort everything out. I get to work at 7:30. I perform like a monkey. I get home about 5:30pm. I sort everything out again. I work at home 8-11pm. I go to bed. Cycle repeats. Why would I be happy? I don't do anything to contribute to the world, I make no positive impact. I'm selfish (hence this decision) and I'm tired. I'm "me, me, me", all the time. I need to shape up or ship out. I'm ultimately selfish so I've decided to ship out.

[Flojobunny]

You don't want to die.
You just don't want to live. There is a difference. That's because you want out of your current life. You aren't happy. You need to go and make yourself happy.