Pros and Cons

[Ambrosiacreamedrice]

Does anyone else make pro/con lists with regards to suicide? I have such an urge to end it all but I'm still rational, and I'm constantly making and updating a pro/con list, because I've convinced myself that if I can't get it to balance then I'm justified in dying. I talked about it a bit with my GP and we had an interesting discussion about why suicide was decriminalised, but it felt like I was watching myself chatting to him, rather than actually being engaged with the conversation.

I don't really understand how I can manage to be so detached that I can carry on existing, tidying up loose ends, whilst at the same time planning and planning. The pro side of the list is getting longer everyday and I don't think it will ever balance, so I guess that I have my answer. It's a strangely comforting thought, really.

I have seen a psychologist and he agreed there is nothing wrong with me, as have the CPN and graduate mental health worker. The first time you start to feel like this you do wonder where it has come from. Later you realise that actually, you've had a terrific idea and it isn't wrong to think that checking out is best. Your friend has children, it would be a sad thing if she were to die.

I'm okay with what may happen after I die because I won't be here. The dead don't do guilt, the living do in spades.

You can talk about this in RL and I think that you need to, desperately.

I agree with what others are writing on here.
You need a break. That actually may be all you need.
You can then come back to your mum and cats.