I abuse my DCs

[FlojoHoHoHo]

It's far far worse than I ever thought. I knew it was bad but I just figured it'd get better. I'm snappy, I'm impatient, I fuss over everything and I get snappy when things don't go exactly to plan, when my DCs don't jump to attention every time I click and when they don't move fast enough. I shout, I say horrible things.
I'm so scared I will lose them. I love them so much.
BF (who broke up with me on Xmas day) just text this
"I've had enough, and who wouldn't! Watched on in disbelief as u ripped into those poor kids for little or no reason. (at least I know now It's not just me) difference is though, the kids can't just walk away....."
I want to commit suicide. I know they are better off without me but where would they go? DD has no dad and is so shy with strangers. I know its not the answer. But what is?

So sorry for you OP that your having such a tough time. Your taking the first step in recognising you have a problem so that shows that you care for your children & are not happy with the way you are treating them. I have worked with families where the parents are treating their children horribly but actually don't care. I would suggest seeing your GP to see if you have depression and he can help. My own df committed suicide 10 years ago after years of abandoning me & my db. I hate that he did this as I'm sure your dc would. They would not be better off without you or in care. They need you & need you to be well. Good luck with getting the help you need. Try not to be too harsh, bringing up children is exhausting & if your not sleeping its no wonder your snappy. Big hugs for you

I emailed surestart but got an automated response that they aren't back til the 2nd of Jan. I also emailed Homestart but they haven't got back to me so I'm guessing they are away til then too. My GP was full again today so its going to be then when they reopened again.

Can I suggest as an emergency measure that this is a hard time of year for anyone, as we are all so cooped up. But the more time you spend outside with the DCs, the easier everything will be to manage. It will be good for your own mental health, as well as wearing them out so they are easier to cope with at home. Swimming is another clever thing to do for all of you as well, especially if you can find a friend to go along with you to help. I am hoping this will help tide you over until 2 Jan.

Thankyou, unfortunately I've been floored today by flu type symptoms so can't see me venturing out any time soon.
On a good note, day 2 and no problems, unless u count leaving your kids to fend for themselves as I was ill in bed.

You got through the day. Nothing worse than being ill and trying to look after children.

Just want to give you some hope. I have been where you are and it was admitting it and talking about it that helped. I still have bad days and when my depression gets really bad, I feel the kids are better off without me, but things have improved so much. I still wish that the past never happened, but then I am grateful that we are not where we used to be.

You are doing the right thing and admitting shows that you are a very caring mum, Flo. It will get easier for you with the right support. Take a day at a time and please don't be too hard on yourself even though that it very difficult. We all make mistakes and it is harder when we feel so alone in our struggles and judged too.

Homestart are lovely. And Surestart too. I hope you get some support soon and you get to feel better about yourself.

Hang in there! It is going to be okay.

Thankyou, I really hope so.

Someone from Homestart came to see me. Asked me lots of grueling questions just be told at the end of it that theres a long waiting list and the chances of me getting 'matched' when my hours are limited with work are slim

Sorry that wasnt more positive flo... did you get to the gp?

I'm on this board as my dh has issues and the descrition of how you are with your kids is just like him. He has just seeing a councellor specialising in depression and seeing his gp soon.

Could you be depressed?

GP only mentioned anti depressants, but I don't want them, they didn't really help before.

I have been where you are and it feels horrible - at my worst I shouted at my lovely girls to 'fuck off' in the street, right outside my house, because they didn't get out of the car 'quick enough'. It was a real low point and something I can't take back. I then had to admit that I was unwell and the truth is that if I was not unwell then I would not have been in that state. I think you are also unwell, people get asthma, people get diabetes, and people get their heads not behaving right. If you had asthma and it was making you so unwell that you couldn't look after your children properly then you would go to the doctor and get something to help. This is what you need to do. It may be that anti-depressants didn't work before because they didn't suit or were at the wrong dose. You need to go back and explain this to the GP and ask for another prescription. It does take time, you need to give it a go because you can feel better.

The other thing that helped me was a course of Mindfullness based cognitive therapy (MBCT) info here. It was through the NHS after a referral from my GP.

You are not a crap mum, you don't need to have your children taken away from you, but you do need to get better so you can look after them as well as possible. My children are 3, 6 and 8 and I have told them about 'mummy's bad head' so that on days I feel snappy and crap I can tell them so they know it is not their fault. I think it's ok to say sorry I've been grumpy and snappy, I love you all loads but my head has been a bit poorly and I'm trying to get better.

Sorry if this sounds bossy and prescriptive - I have a grizzly 3 year old here so am trying to rush! I have never read a post on MN that so rings the truth with me and I really felt I had to respond.

I don't think I could go a week without being shouty. I struggle to hold it together for a day. I don't realise til after the event that I could have handled things better.
An outreach worker from surestart was supposed to be getting back to me but not heard from her since.
Struggling to find a parenting course in the evening, they all seem to be day time round here and ages off.