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Original poster

I abuse my DCs

64 replies

FlojoHoHoHo · 27/12/2012 14:09

It's far far worse than I ever thought. I knew it was bad but I just figured it'd get better. I'm snappy, I'm impatient, I fuss over everything and I get snappy when things don't go exactly to plan, when my DCs don't jump to attention every time I click and when they don't move fast enough. I shout, I say horrible things.
I'm so scared I will lose them. I love them so much.
BF (who broke up with me on Xmas day) just text this
"I've had enough, and who wouldn't! Watched on in disbelief as u ripped into those poor kids for little or no reason. (at least I know now It's not just me) difference is though, the kids can't just walk away....."
I want to commit suicide. I know they are better off without me but where would they go? DD has no dad and is so shy with strangers. I know its not the answer. But what is?

OP posts:
MNHQ
IceTheChristmasKateMumsnet · 27/12/2012 14:51

Hi everyone,

Thanks to everyone who brought this thread to our attention, and for all your kind replies to the OP. We're going to move it to Mental Health in a moment, as we feel it's more suitable than AIBU.

pigletmania · 27/12/2012 14:53

Oh op bless you. You need professional help straight away. Please go to your GP ASAP. I have been where you are, went to the GP who was great. M dd has ASD an is getting help. You dnt sound abusive at all, who has nt yelled at their chi,dren. Your BF s not nice, not so best after all your better off without her

MammaTJ · 27/12/2012 14:56

You are basing suicidal thoughts on the opinion of someone who leaves you on Christmas day?

OK, so you shout at your children,not ideal but you want to change. Truly abusive parents see no wrong in what they do. You are not an abusive parent.

Get youself to your local surestart centre and see what is there to help you.

Willowisp · 27/12/2012 15:10

Perhaps it the wake up call you need ?

I don't think posters should be saying you're not abusive when none of us know what is going on. I think the bf has done you a favour here & good for him standing up for the kids & making you realize your behaviour has to stop.

As a child of abusive parents, yes you will damage them, but you will damage them far more by committing suicide & leaving them.

I agree, get yourself some help. Be kind to them & yourself.

Good luck.

zippey · 27/12/2012 16:12

I agree with almost everything that Willowisp has said - We dont know the OP or the BF, so its not really fair to target the BF. It might be a good thing to mention the kids in his parting text, and again it could be a low parting shot. We dont know.

Id say that if the OP does doubt or wonder if she is abusing the children, then she should contact someone impartial like GP to discuss if thebehaviour is normal. Its natural to be worried but you will be doing it for your children.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 27/12/2012 18:35

Is that what this is, a mental health issue? Am I losing my mind? I don't feel mentally ill, yes I have low points but this isn't about them. It's about a genuine concern that my children are better off without me. Thankyou so much for not telling me I'm being an attention seeker or anything because that's the last thing I want to be. I just need to find a way of sorting this mess that I am in and tbh I've been in for some time.

OP posts:
Tortington · 27/12/2012 18:40

i think this is about power, coping, control and structure.

starting tomorrow you need to think of a fun activity that YOU would like to do with the kids. what might that be?

look for parenting classes, and take other advice from people - but do something fun and nice with them.

Tortington · 27/12/2012 18:42

its all about memories.

Kids remember loads - think about yourself and what you remember - kids especially remember shit things.

but what they do remember isn't x boxes or expensive gifts or toys - they remember ' that time we went to the beach and it was freezing and you made jam butties and a flask of vimpto" type things

Selks · 27/12/2012 18:42

Go and talk to your GP ASAP. Just do it.

FivesGoldNorks · 27/12/2012 18:44

Flojo, please be careful at taking this person's word as law. Snappy and impatient describes a lot of parents. Not convinced it actually means abusive. Maybe organise a parenting course? Sure start or something?

SA3008 · 27/12/2012 18:55

OP, phone the Samaritans please NOW.
I feel/felt exactly the same way. I finally got some help & am reluctantly taking medication to help lift my mood. I am no longer as irritable, still feel anxious & do fly off the handle.
Hang in there, my dc need me, despite the awful way I treat them. You will get better and your dc need you.
Phone your gp & samaritans. My HV called me a dictator, that's how controlling I am :-(

GracieLoo · 27/12/2012 20:03

How has today been? I wouldn't wish it on anyone but I felt some relief reading your thread as I completely relate to it and I'm losing it completely. Im a single mum to dd, 4, whose behaviour has got worse and I'm worried I don't love her. I'm irritable, snappy and feel detached. Today I felt like crashing the car, and I'm so on edge I feel I can't cope anymore.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 27/12/2012 20:16

I don't think you really mean you want to end your life. I do think you need to find a way of parenting your children where you don't end up treating them badly, then end up getting upset about it.

I think a really good idea would be to contact your local SureStart, if you have one, and ask them about parenting classes. In the mean time, walk away if you find yourself getting wound up by them and try your best not to shout.

I know its difficult when you are stressed, but you can start taking small steps now to make things better.

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 27/12/2012 20:29

So what are you going to do? Start a list. Find some phone numbers. Did you ring anyone this afternoon?

Gracie -I suspect you do love your child but it is very hard to feel anything when depressed or tired. Please ring Samaratons if you feel like this. Please also get help. Things can change but you need support .contact hv, children's centre and home start.

jessjessjess · 27/12/2012 20:35

Samaritans are on 116123.

iusedtobefun2 · 27/12/2012 20:39

OP - are you still there?
How are you feeling now?
How has your day been with the kids?

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 27/12/2012 21:42

Yes I'm still here. My parents who live locally (who I night have popped round to for a brew when stressed) have just gone to Scotland and my best friend (actually only friend) was busy and is off to cornwall for a fortnight tomorrow.
I rang the GP but they said to ring back in the morning because they are busy and I left a message asking HV to call me and she didn't.
I took the kids out for tea, as I knew I would hold it together better out of the house, and I did, though struggled to eat etc because I've felt in turmoil all day.
Gracie and 008 it really helps to know other might understand where I am.
Thankyou so much for everyone for their advice.
My surestart is pretty rubbish locally but I'm hoping the HV can help me, maybe with Homestart but I've never wanted to use them before because I've always felt there are others more in need but I think its time to face facts and get help and put my DCs first.
Custardo I think you are right, I totally spoilt my DCs at Xmas and I take them on lots of holidays partly to spoil them and partly to get out the house. It's the basic day to day stuff I am lacking.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 27/12/2012 21:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

iusedtobefun2 · 27/12/2012 22:17

How old are your kids flo?
Sounds like you had a good day with them.
I think it's always better when you can get out of the house with them, even for a little whilst.

Please try again tomorrow with your GP. They'll be busy just now, but you are just as important as anyone else, so please keep trying.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 27/12/2012 22:29

4 and 7. It's my 7 yo that gets it worse. He never stops talking so that makes him worse. I love him for being so chatty but when I'm stressed and he's constantly chatting I feel like he's in my face and I can't get that space between us to cool off. Even though its usually the 4 yo that's not doing as she's asked. I'm usually yelling at DS to hurry up and stop messing can't he see I've enough on with his sister messing around without him wittering on and being too slow etc.

OP posts:
InNeedOfBrandy · 27/12/2012 22:37

Flo is there anyway your parents would have dc one night a week? Or one afternoon evening after school and bring them home to you fed bathed and in pjs?

I get like you, I get shouty snappy and scare my dc with my "barking" because of the mess and that they're under my feet. My lovely lovely nan has dc one night a week and it really really helps me. Also don't feel bad that they annoy you, send them to their room for a hour, it won't do them no harm. Everyone needs space and everyones dc annoy them.

I find the more happier I am the better parent I am, where as if I'm stressed I can't deal with them around me

Please don't ask ex for a blow by blow account of hoe you are as a parent, he is not an impartial judge.

iusedtobefun2 · 27/12/2012 22:43

Ah yes! The non stop talking. My DD is like that too.
Sometimes you can't hear yourself think for the constant chit chat.

The holidays are difficult too. No school to burn off energy or to give you a break. It's hard too when your family is away. Do your parents know that you have split up with your BF? Do they help out and look after your DC's sometimes?

CanIHaveAPetGiraffePlease · 27/12/2012 23:56

Sounds like a really positive day, well done :-)

Home start is amazing (I'm planning to volunteer when mine are at school) and for anyone struggling for whatever reason. Here I've known it be a mum with twins or pnd or just a stressful time. I had my husband away during the week, ill heath a toddler and a new baby and having someone come each week really helped me. There isn't really a typical demographic if that worries you.

You're doing the right things seeking help and you've recently come through a lot. And Christmas! Be gentle on yourself.

Original poster
FlojoHoHoHo · 28/12/2012 01:35

Brandy they arent usually that hands on. I usually stay with the kids and use that time to have a brew and communicate better with my DCs rather than at home snappy. I usually go about once a week for tea for a couple of hours.

OP posts:
InNeedOfBrandy · 28/12/2012 14:02

Flo what makes you happy? Do you work? Do you have a hobby? Can you cultivate more friendships? Join a toddler group? Go to softplay so they bugger of and let you read a book in peace.I truly truly believe if your more happy and less stressed you'll stop taking it out on the dc. Don't feel bad about it we all do it sometimes but you've done really well to see it now you just have to make you happier now