Hello, folks.
Looks like there's a different crowd on here now- I've not been checking in for a while. In general, have been trying to spend a bit less time online/on forums etc, but actually, it's nice to have somewhere to come back to when things aren't going so well. And.. they kind of aren't.
Sorry, I feel a bit whingy and maybe it's taking the p*ss to come on here just to moan, but perhaps I could just say 'ADVISORY, SELF PITYING WHINGING AHEAD' and people could just opt out- deal?
Right, now that's sorted... have really been very lucky in that I had a good GP who informed me about various local services as well as giving me drugs. I've been attending a counselling/creche service, even started doing yoga and stuff like that, to get stronger properly.
Trouble is, my brain keeps throwing up things I don't want to think about- like all the ways I've screwed up in my life, and how it's too late to fix it, too late to get a decent career with a proper income. I don't work, at the moment- don't know where to begin with it. I am dependent on my partner, and it rankles. He doesn't deliberately hold it over me, but I feel there are power shifts going on in our relationship that worry me.
Anyway. I started getting flashes in my head of running a razor blade along my veins, like that's pretty much the only option left. A fairly abstract feeling, not a strong urge, but not good either. I try to push it out of my head, but it keeps coming back.
Then yesterday, I had one of those bloody mornings. Trying to get out of the house on time to get to the shrink, and my toddler did something at the last moment that stuffed it all up, and I was wheeling around the house trying to still make it all come together, and I totally lost it- and smashed my foot into a heavy piece of furniture, full force. Only I wasn't wearing my usual armoured boots, because I had decided to make an effort. Ha ha.
By evening the pain was bad enough I had to accept it might be broken, so had to go to A&E to get it x-rayed. Hours of fun.
No bones broken, but I am now on crutches. Not sure how long for. Sigh. And now I am even more dependent on my partner than before, and everything is a million times harder, and I just wish I could go back and stop myself, do something less damaging instead even, but I can't. There is no 'control Z' in real life, is there? Duh.