should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

update on plan not to hibernate: still in bed

I haven't read all of this. Cannot spend a morning on Mnet today. But because it's you Vicar - yes you - the important, funny, fond of you with a dd near the age of mine.

Got a better job - tick
Got through probation - tick
Got qualifications (with a family in the background) - tick
Got a DH who cares and wants to be involved - tick
Learning to ride - tick (I sometimes go for a ride if I'm really pissed off)

Having a tough time
Very tired
Feeling guilty

The ticks outweigh the other stuff.

You need to get some help with the stress and the depression - it says volumes if your l/m is also off with stress. Get it sorted and find some techniques to help in the short term. Only when you are recovered will you be able to rationalise if it is the job or if it goes deeper than that but you need to get yourself in a better place to make that decision. Is there any counselling available through work schemes. I would have thought there should be.

You could also go to your managers with a list of what you have to do and what you can't reasonably do so they too have to take some responsibility for your work load, especially as you are unwell.

I know in the year after our ds2 died I could have stayed in bed and stopped going out to face people. I may have overcompensated the other way and I forced myself out of bed and to do full hair and make-up every day and gave myself a list of three things that I had to do. I don't know if you can do that or if you need some help first but it helped to get me through even though I remember little of that year and ds1 certainly got very little engaged parenting.

Update on instructions to get out of bed by 9am....still in bed :(

I am getting up soon tho cos having a blitz day. This isn't going to be too challenging whilst the kids are off cos my routine is completely different....

tutu, how are you doing? When is your next gp review? I think youve been on your meds for a few weeks now and arent feeling much better? Maybe they will increse your dose for three weeks and if no improvement or side effects still too great they will change you onto something else?

Dont worry about work. They would rather you were of for 3 months and came back fit than of or three weeks and just became ill again straight away

Still in bed but need a wee ..so about to get up.

This is unbelievably hard. Irrationally hard.

I think it's all very well for therapists to tell us what time to get up and not isolate ourselves under the duvet etc., but they don't know the horror of depression and anxiety. It seems irrationally hard ER but it isn't because depression is irrational, so how can we act rationally when in this state. Personally I think that our body is telling us what to do when we are very depressed - to withdraw - that's what sick animals do, they go and hide somewhere.

I know for most of you young mums on here you can't always withdraw because of young children but I would follow your intuition. Yes you do have to get up at some stage and it is a huge effort because somehow the pain is less in bed isn't it and I think that's because we feel safer there than anywhere else.

I have read a lot of stuff on depression but one bit I remember is someone talking about climbing the hill to recovery and slipping off the path, but suddenly you remember seeing a warm cave just a little way down, so you can go and stay there for a while until you feel ready to get back on the path again.

When I was in hopsital (psych ward) we had to get up at 9.30 showered, dressed etc and then sit doing practicaly nothing all day! They all have this obsession with getting up......when my HM is rampaging around my head I give myself "permission" to withdraw under the duvet till 12.30 - then I make the huge effort to get up and try to carry on.........

Warm wishes to everyone suffering this horrid illness.

it's so dark today. finally showered and dressed but only because ds needs a haircut and has an appointment in ten minutes. now just need to leave the house.

It's all gloomy and rainy here. Have to admit still in dressing gown - even though I am not depressed now I still find it hard to get up!

I was in hospital twenty years ago, and oh how I wanted to sleep! (not surprising after hypomanically being awake for 4 days) But no, it wasn't allowed to go back to bed. Day room was full of people curled uncomfortably in too-small chairs trying to get a bit of shut-eye.

Also been in nine years ago, and this year. What a change! Allowed to sleep at will, get up when wanted (though gentle suggestion of getting up if too long in bed)

hi all

Helles and Edwinia i was no better at getting up either - but then i stayed up ridiculously late last night.

married thank you - i wont make any life changing decisions just yet.

it was gloomy and dark all day but i did get out to visit two different elderly ex neighbours who i still visit from where i used to live - spent all afternoon with them which was lovely actually. One of them (the couple i used to live next door to) used to love my DS and him having AS meant that at 7 he used to go next door to our neighbours who were then in their 70s and play dominoes and listen to George Formby with Mr P! They are desperate to see DS so im going to go back with him in the next few days - that will give me something to do at least on one day.

Ive got my Endoscopy appointment through today too.

Feeling ok today once i got going. getting going took some doing mind.

Hi Vicar glad you're doing so much better and my HM is sound asleep. Just a word of advice about the endoscopy - they offer it with a local anaesthetic or without out, and the info I got was very much pointing you towards not having a local because of the recovery time after (a few hours I think) so I opted for what they recommended. They spray your throat with something horrid and said it tasted of "banana" - not to me it didn't. Then they slide a tube down your throad with a camera on it. It doesn't take long and the nurse was kind and help my head gently in place while the procedure was done. However if ever I have to have it done again I will go for the local anaesthetic. A friend of mine did this and said she just felt a bit tired after and couldn't drive for a few hours but that's all, and they keep you in for an hour or so after.

thank you NN - i am so terrified of the endo that ive asked for the sedation. the very thought of the whole thing gives me the heeby jeebies, so im going to ask for both the numbing spray and the sedation. DH is going to come with me so he can drive me home after.

glad your HM is snoozing. long may that reign. x

vicar the thought of it is far worse than what actually happens. All will be well.

thank you married i was so truly terrified of it i had started a thread the other day in general health....much reassured by lots of folk who have had it. im still dreading it but just want it over with and im defo taking the sedation....i want to be as sedated as humanly possible! then i need to have another procedure that see a tube up my nose to view my vocal chords...my body seems to be failing me lately. mind and body poorly just now.

Have you had a fully thyroid function test Vic.

The only time I had an emotional wobble and felt totally exhausted and had terrible tummy troubles for about three years before that was immediately before I was diagnosed with an overactive thyroid. It might be worth asking to have the levels checked.

Good luck - take care. x

ive had a few i think married but the last one was last April. they keep telling me all is well so ive just no idea....starting to feel like a hypochondriac.

thank you, im sure it there is anything really off it will be found.

Swe Vicar. My mums had several and each time although she has had a local it has sent her to sleep.

Well I wish I hadn't bothered to get out of bed....

DD3 (6) escaped from the house (she went to play next door, I knew where she was but thought she was locked in...so now I need to hide my keys).

DD3 now has the vomiting bug

My blitzing has seriously slowed as I have been trying not to neglect DD3

I've locked myself out of my bank account by being unable to remember my PIN (I was trying a PIN from an account I haven't used for 2 years...).

I can't pay my credit card which was due today (well yesterday I guess now) cos I am locked out of my bank.

I am feeling queasy...hope I don't end up ill...#

I have to be out of bed at 8am tomorrow as I am picking a friend up at 8:30 to go food shopping....

I still haven't worked out how much and how to tell my mum I am off sick and haven't finished PGCE... (think there was a question earlier about how supportive she would be...that would be OK. My relationship with my mum hasn't been brilliantly close. I suspended my PGCE to help care for her terminally ill partner...so she will feel horribly horribly guilty and that she has a part to play in my breakdown so I feel that I have to be really careful IYSWIM).

Well. Suppose I better go to bed....who knows what tomorrow will bring...whatever it is I am not looking forward to it.

Night peeps.

Well I guess you're all still in bed :o

I am too. My alarms been going off for 36 minutes.

I keep pressing snooze.

I'm meeting a friend in 23 minutes and I'm still under my duvet and dd3 is still asleep...

I got up! Half nine, breakfast eaten, a load in the washer and about to shower. we actually have daylight here

Sorry Vicar I didn't mean to scare you over the endo - it's really not that bad, but if you have the local you won't need your throat sprayed cus you will be very sleepy. My friend had it done that way and was fine.

OMG ER didn't realise you were doing the PGCE - that is a terrible rush even whe you're well.

Am off to Center Parcs in the Lake District with family 14 in all. Have already taken 2 diazes......HM asleep but I feel lousy with head cold and shivering and then hot - I don't want to go (hope I'll be OK when I am there) as DP and me have our own apt with nice comfy bed!

Do hope all of us manage to get through Christmas and have a better 2013.

Love to all..............NNx

I have reached an epiphany (well, a realisation has gradually dawned on me). today I scheduled cleaning the house, going to church, catching up with laundry, making a knitting needle roll, exchanging gifts with besty, delivering my share of the church Christmas cards and shopping for Christmas day outfit (gift from mum and dad).
What have I achieved: have outfit, started (barely) knitting needle roll, put two loads of washing through, went to church.
Maybe this is why I always think I'm pants. maybe I try to crush too much into good days to make up for doing so little on bad days!

NN - have a great time away. Do whatever makes you comfortable and enjoy whatever time you are able to spend being sociable. Merry Christmas x

Ha! I keep getting that realisation, every few weeks then I forget again

i do the same - DH always says i try and do too much at once in a day....might be the common denominator!

i awoke really horribly early this morning fretting and couldnt get back to sleep until gone 6am.....so that meant i slept until 10.

i did get out for a riding lesson which was lovely, its nice to concentrate on something so fully for an hour that i forget everything else.

im not sure whether to ask the gp to sign me off until after the endo....ive got to come off my reflux meds which means i will end up coughing - but it seems cheeky. that said - i arent convinced the sertraline is working to full effect yet if my anxiety levels are anything to go by.

im loathe to ask about upping the dose though as the side effects will get me all over again. in a bit of a quandary about it.

NN i hope you have a lovely time at centre parcs. i really wish i had had a holiday this year, might not be on my knees now....

have a great xmas everyone. x

When they upped my fluoxetine I didn't find the additional side effects as bad as when I first starting them so you might be ok and if you need them you need them.

That's interesting cos when saw my therapist I was saying that I know what I am doing 'wrong' but I can't stop myself stay in bed. We talked about having a reason to get up...I ended up saying that I wanted to make a list of 'jobs' at night for the following day. She jumped right on me and told me that was far too much too soon and that I was setting myself up for failure because I would not acheive it.

The goals she has set for me are about me developing a healthy routine which keeps me away from my bed. As I said previously it is to be out of bed and dressed by a certain time. She told me tasks aren't important goals at the mo.

Anyways. I was up, dressed, and at Tesco by 9am!!!

I've been exhausted ever since and sat around on sofa for a few hours trying to motivate myself to tidy house. In the end dd3 (6) told me off for playing on candy crush on my phone and forced me to work. And then told me off every time I stopped.

Tomorrow dm is arriving. I have downstairs floors to do, my bedroom and bathroom before she arrives. Also have to pick up my meat from butchers before 1pm. I have no idea what time she is arriving so I HAVE to get out of bed. I still have dd3s tablet to set up before I go to bed so it is going to be so so so hard if not impossible :(

sympathies ed i have to be up tomorrow too - i need to nip into town and then go to the stables to drop off a pressie for riding instructor, and am taking DS who is doing a website for her so wants to see the place....and ive got Dsis and nephew visiting tomorrow too. DD tidied up today while i languished in bed...her boyfriend was coming today and she hates him coming to a mess, its the only time she pitches in but she does it and does a good job.

im not going to put huge pressure on myself - ill set alarm for 8.30 and aim to be up for 9.

out for 10. im going to walk to town, fresh air will be good. (plus its quicker than driving)

not going anywhere too manic and avoiding the supermarket....

right. best get to bed. good luck tomorrow ed. you can do it. rant here if it gets too much. x

Tablet sorted so I'm off to bed with my phone to play games.

Feel a bit more positive about getting up in the morning now :)

Good luck tomorrow vicar and I do hope that everyone has something positive to report over the next few days :)