should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

half an hour is good!

i got up but not until noon, i was awake i just couldnt drag myself out of bed, plus i had a cat sat on me and i didnt want to kick her off....she looked so comfy.

i must try to motivate myself tomorrow - i have cards to deliver. or i might do it Saturday....i want some new earrings that i can wear and leave in for work (so plainish studs) and DH says he will get me some for xmas, but i wouldnt trust him to chose them for me! i might motivate myself to go and look on Saturday and deliver the cards then too. two birds...one stone. im finding the smallest of tasks ridiculously exhausting.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Yeah...well when I say half an hour...

I actually got up and took dcs to xps. Went home and got back in bed and slept till nearly 10 (woken by phone).

Arranged to meet a friend at 12.

Procrastinated for half hour, eventually getting up and getting to friends about 12:15.

If I don't have anywhere to be I don't get up til 3:30 so 12 is good.

Tomorrow I have to stay at school after school run...so no going back to bad after. Then I have therapist, then take a friend to town...I might manage an afternoon nap but dtds are home from school early so unlikely.

Could you do the cards tomorrow and then earrings on sat then you have tasks for 2 seperate days?

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

i should try and do that because it would give me a focus.

i also need to tidy the tip of a house on sat in readyness for my sis coming on sunday for a visit and xmas....dh will be working flat out until monday so wont be able to help - his last shift is traditionally a good 14 hours or more.

DS has just told me his GF is coming tomorrow at 9.30 anyway so i will have to be up or look like a terrible lazy cah....

[EdwiniasRevenge]

At the moment visitors are my only motivation for tidying.

I can do a good job when I am expecting someone. Even if they cancel I have done it.

My conservatory is my dumping ground tho cos I keep the door shut. That needs some hard work cos that will be our christmas dining room...I even have buckets we used for pumpkin carving I haven't cleaned....yuk.

I saw my therapist for the 1st time 3 weeks ago. She gave me a booklet to read and work through. I started reading it 10mins ago and there is stuff I should have been doing...oops...

I have another dilema. When I was introduced to my therapist she gave a speil about confidentiality. As part of that she said she would have to break confidentiality if certain things were revealed, but I can't remember the exact words.

This freaked me and when I was asked at the end if I had any painful memories from my childhood I lied, because there was stuff that would have come under the umbrella of her (probably) needing to break confidentiality. Now I don't think I need any treatment for that history...but it is part of who I am now...and feel guilty for not disclosing. But I don't know if I should.

If I do disclose I.don't think it would go any further cos no-one is currently at risk because the others involved are now deceased...but I don't know...I just don't see the relevance of digging it back up...

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

i think actually that she would keep that confidence - she means things like if you suddenly disclosed that you were a domestic abuser or somesuch. historical abuse would be kept confidential.

i disclosed historical abuse to my occupational health counsellor - it went no further and never will.

i think you need to be honest, it will help.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Thanks. I think your right. I guess she would be looking for my children being at risk kind of scenarios?

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

no. i doubt it. i think she would be duty bound to disclose if you were to reveal that something criminal was happening now, but saying something happened to you in the past would not provoke any breach of confidentiality.

i had rewind therapy which is brilliant, very successful and worked within 20 minutes - 1 session took the pain out of the memory.

i would urge you to be honest - if you are having counselling then make the most of it.

[NanaNina]

Hi Vicar - glad that you don't have the worry of work hanging over you. How long did the GP sign you off for and did she say to keep on with the sertraline. I've had a few bad mornings (forcing myself up at 12.30!) but have improved fair bit by early afternoon. I wondered what you meant about the support thread for people on ADs - how do I get on that? I thought there was only this MH thread but my IT skills are very limited.

Incidentally I'm so glad you have that re-wind therapy (EMDR) for childhood trauma as so many MNs have said how helpful it has been, when other therapies have not helped at all, especially the ones where you have to keep going over and over what happend to you, which I am sure is emotionally exhausting. I think so often people who are suffering from PTSD don't get the right diagnosis so don't get the right therapy.

Hi Edwinia so sorry to hear you are another sufferer, and have the same kind of emotional paralysis that depression brings, amongst other things of course!

Re the issue of confidentiality and what your therapist said about maybe having to break it. I think it's important that you ask her to repeat what she said about this. It certainly won't be anything about your past, and you must be honest about childhood stuff cus a therapist can only help if we are honest. It won't be about your children either, as many mums think that if they are mentally ill, social workers will take their children away and this is NOT the case. I was a socialworker for 30 years (now retired) and I can absolutely assure you that children are not removed from parents whoa re mentally ill, unless they are being significantly harmed.

I think what the therapist means is that if you say you are suicidal and have made a plan to end it all, and she believes that there is a real danger that you are going to carry this through, she would feel duty bound to alert the MH team or your GP or CPN. She might do the same if she felt you were a danger to yourself (as described above) or to others (and this would mean that if you had a psychotic illness, as in being out of touch with reality, you could be a danger to yourself or others, because people who have a psychotic illness don't realise there is anything wrong with them.

But rather than second guessing, just tell her that you remember her talking about confidentiality and possibly having to break that, but you didn't take it in at the time and so could you discuss this again. It's really important that you don't hold anything back as Vicar says, because you are worrying about this issue.

Oh well the midnight hour has approached so off to bed.
Hoping my Headmonster has a nice long sleep over Christmas!

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

hi nana

this is the support thread for anyone interested

everyone on there is lovely and its nice to feel you are not alone.

gp signed me off for 4 weeks and said yes to continue with the sertraline. im sticking with it but i do hope it doesnt affect how tired i am for working nights. at the minute i am just exhausted.

the rewind therapy is ever so slightly different to EDMR but was fantastic - i didnt have to go over what happened either - just found a starting memory and a finishing memory....then everything inbetween was kept in my head for the procedure which only took about 20 mins and was very relaxing. afterwards - jobs a gud un!

hope headmonster stays dormant over xmas for you.... also desperate to go to bed but DS has gone out and promised to be home for 11.30..... he is so flipping selfish sometimes. ive no idea if he has a key and i wont sleep until he is home - he has special needs and i will worry until he gets home. he walked his friends home at 10.30....wonder where he is.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

Hi vicar, they are selfish as that age. But perhaps he had a key and assumed you knew?

nana I PM'd you about service user involvement.

[NanaNina]

Thanks Vicar but how do I find it - I thought all support stuff was just on this MH thread? Glad you got signed off for 4 weeks - proper thing too.

Sorry STP I've only just seen your PM. Will answer later.

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

NN - my last post ^ up there - click on the purple writing and it takes you to the support thread. i linked it so you could find it.

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

No hurry nina - didn't mean my last post to sound so brusque...

[NanaNina]

Vicar I was able to click on the link and yes I found it ....! but I was wondering how I would find it without the link if you see what I mean.
No worries STPC I didn't think your post was brusque. Just back from DIL's birthday bash - well not much bashing for me and DP - i felt so old among all the young things! Full of cold and coughing but no matter as long as the HM stays asleep - in fact I would like him to into a coma and die!

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

stick the thread in your watch list NN....just beneath the topic header at the very top of the page, where it says Topics >> mental health - just beneath that it says :
start new thread in this topic / watch this thread / flip this thread/ etc etc etc

click on "watch this thread" and it will add it to your watch list....

then just click on "im watching" where it says 'Active / im on / im watching'

then you can always find it! hth! x

[EdwiniasRevenge]

The thread is within the mental health section.

Not hanging around long cos shattered. Had 12hrs out of the house non stop today, including seeing therapist this morning.

My goals are to be out of bed by 8am Mon-fri and 9am w/ends, and dressed an hour later. I have to be in pjs by 9pm and my bed is only for sleeping in (ie when I go to bed I shouldn't be taking my phone and book with me).

Hmm...not sure how successful this is going to be....

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

edwinia i wish i had your discipline. sounds very good to me. i should try that....

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Erm...I don't have discipline.

These goals are set by my therapist...

I tried negotiating...and failed.

I am taking my phone to bed, but I shall switch it off before I go (charger is in bedroom) and I shall read in bed cos it is the only place I do read.

I have 6 weeks before I see her...so 10am will do me tomorrow....

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

absolutely - work up to it!

i wish is lived a normal working life where i could do this too. one day maybe....shifts give me the worst excuse ever to stay in bed late because i justify it with working late (and then nights which kill me if i dont work myself around to them by staying up later and later each night)

its a bit of a bugger for normality.

[EdwiniasRevenge]

Maybe I could make it 11am tomorrow...counts how many days in 6 weeks....then 10:55 the next day :o

To be fair I can't go straight back to bed now cos kids are off school, so this is the ideal time to break the habit.

Apparently this will help me develop a 'healthy routine' which will help me function....yeah but I have to be bothered to do it...

I'm buggered if I'm setting an alarm....but I will work out a way to force myself out of bed once I'm awake...

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

edwinia - it all sounds so familiar to me. my problem is my shifts enable me...i long for a normal 9 - 5 routine sometimes (even though it would kill me) it all feels so much more normal.

its a good job my DH is the forgiving type who is not averse to housework...

right now, im managing the house quite well. but its a different story when im working and i feel like my days off are so well earnt i find it so hard to motivate myself to do anything.
i realised today that my anxiety levels are not less on the sertraline. im not sure if that means i should be upping the dose but am worried about the side effects all over again.

[HellesBelles396]

I find if I allow myself to stay in bed and/or in pyjamas for even a few minutes, those minutes turn in to hours. Then I hate myself and getting up gets harder and harder. I've just finished work for two weeks so I'm going to try getting up as soon as I wake up (as long as it's after 6 - I wake up a lot during the night), getting showered and dressed immediately. That's 2 successes straightaway though it will probably leave me exhausted - but so does staying in bed!

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

Don't up your dose without consulting a professional again, Vicar. It is still relatively early days. Monitor your states (depression and anxiety) - you could even rate them on a scale of 1 to 10 - at your review (I assume you have a review date?) this will help identify whether you should continue on them, and if not, what would be the most suitable AD to change to. It can take a while to work out what is best.

I am lucky that I never really suffered from anxiety, only depression (sometimes accompanied by a sort of diffuse dread)

[VicarInaTutuDrankSantasSherry]

dont worry silver i wouldnt do anything without GP say so. i have a revue on new years eve.

i just realised today that anxiety is still an issue - i drove DD mad as i had to go out for a bit, leaving her alone (she is 15 1/2!!) and my constant wittering at her about keys being accessible and being careful on the stairs etc etc made me realise i am no better on that front. She ended up shouting at me to just go....

[TheSilveryTinsellyPussycat]

It's good you're noticing all this - study your monster :)