should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

That rewind therapy sounds v like the fast phobia cure in NLP - which also works.

Had an odd night's sleep cos I needed a pee but was not awake enough to be bothered to go - no accidents but v weird dreams. Then it took an absolute age for brain to wake up, but took friend to her sols and then had pub lunch. Not a productive day as such, but quite enjoyable.

im planning a very lazy day tomorrow with just a little outing with DH to try and find him a black tie suit for this bloody works do....

ive decided to just wear my normal LBD and try and find a bit of bling to wear with it necklace wise....and i need tights.

DH is off this week so he says i can have a lie in (scoffs at not having a lie in) and he will sort DD for school.

my throat is still a bit sore from the endo but im so pleased that my feet seem to finally be looking a bit better....i had resigned myself to having the gammy feet for life and never having another pedicure....

Spoke to a friend who says i am sounding much more positive (its great while it lasts)
so weds i have a hair appointment (much needed) and a gp appt for DDs funny heart thing.
Thurs i have a facial then lunch with an old ex colleague then a cuppa in the afternoon with my lovely pal.
Friday need to go and collect DS from uni
Sat need to go to bank with DS to sort his disastrous finances then a few hours as the stables before i have to get ready for DH works do...
Sun will be riding and working at the stables

so a busy week from now on. Hope i can cope with it - written down it looks a bit daunting. I could do without DH works do and he is being very lovely about it and saying if i feel i cant do it by mid week he will cancel. He has been such a rock though i dont want to let him down.

I should attempt to get to bed....im trying not to look into next week to hard.

im back to doctors....i need to tell her i am improving but no where near ready to go back to work.

Bed day.

My kitchen looks like a bomb site.
My lounge looks like a bomb site.
My hall looks like a bomb site.
My bedroom looks like a bomb site.
My head looks like a bomb site.
I've shouted at the DTDs lots this morning.

I slept well ....but am exhausted.....I can't see the bomb site from under my duvet

im up but ignoring the bomb sites....im having to pick my way through my bedroom due to 3 baskets of ironing.

im going to concentrate on 2 things today.
going out with DH to see if we can find a suit
starting one of these applications/getting my CV updated and on computer.

the latter seems harder than the former....my brain just wont work. ed try and break down that list and just concentrate on 1 job. give yourself 10 mins at it then go back to bed for a bit and read or whatever.

then see if you can manage another 10 mins at it.

can you rope the DTDs in after school to muck in for a bit (i know i know....DD will only do anything for bribes or if boyfriend is coming over....)

I'm awake again but exhausted.
I'm craving chocolate tho so that may or may nit drag me out of bed. Sorry I'm having a whinge. It's just a reaction to waaaay overdoing it yesterday.

Life's crap at thread mo.

thats right - youre just catching up from yesterday.

tomorrow will be better - you will have recovered more. If you really cant do anything today then just go with it and let yourself off - i find if i do that mentally it makes me feel less rubbish about it.

and it doesnt follow that tomorrow will be the same - i find it counter productive to beat my self up because then i just feel crap again the next day.

so if you need a bed day then take it ed and tomorrow you will feel different. Sometimes i need a few lazy days to manage a better day.

Well I am doing a cooked meal tonight....I have promised enchiladas for days....so I shall redeem myself. I shall probably even cook the filling this afternoon...which would go down as a positive.

I'm just pissed off at the mess. I cleared and cleaned the kitchen yesterday.

My lounge was tidy.

Then I come home to mountains of weekend bags.
I go out for an hour and come home to dirty plates, mess on the side from slicing up pizza and the bags have just been moved and dumped elsewhere in the house.
I go up to the bathroom and dd3/dtd2 have smeared toothpaste around my clean sink. At least I know she brushed her teeth.
I come home from guides and then I have piles of shoes and boots I'm tripping over in the hall and coats thrown on the floor in the lounge....I thought Illived with humans not animals .
Then DTDs late to bed and not settling so wouldn't get up this morning .. combination of that and the mess which was largely them just made me shout.
They will be sorting bags tonight (they know that's there job). I will get up and sort kitchen while I cook eenchiladas.

But I'm cross. And stress. And tired. And anxious.

I've made it as far as the sofa via the dishwasher...time for a bit of Wii time then I will sort tea....

I've had a bad few days - tremors, tiredness, self-isolation, crying, putting off sleep, usual crap. Still not good. Not due back at docs til half term.

I've been skulking but not posting - I knew it would be too difficult to talk about how I was feeling. It still would be but I don't want to disappear. I was starting to not want to even check how you all were. Just to hide so thought I would at least drop one post to stop myself doing that.

I haven't read back much but it looks like everyone's been up and down - and that, like my ds, Ed's daughters need to clean up after themselves!

sorry to see youve been struggling too helles and glad you managed to pop back.

ed how was tea?

i have actually had quite a productive day today. I have done my CV and got it onto computer.
ive registered with total jobs and applied for 2.
its a start, and its a plan B, and its made me feel slightly safer.

The only thing is my CV is nuts - admin/secretarial, to optical assistant, to medical receptionist to police constable.

it looks a bit bizarre. Im a bit worried that employers are going to look and run a mile...

so. im having one glass of wine as a reward. my throats still a bit sore from yesterday and i have a headache. ive got to cut down the booze now i know i have the hernia.

although im pleased ive achieved those things today i feel horribly anxious again.

Oh Helles ..dont disappear please . So understand how you feel. Thanks to Vicar we can talk here.
Is there a trigger or is it that some days are just hell with no reason ?

Oh mind I remember that sick feeling of tidying house and then seeing it one hour later undone by the family . No one other than those who KNOW realise how much effort it took to keep on top of the chaos when ill [physically and mentally] .
i always felt that it destroyed the fragile control I had on my environment and my life . So not their fault .

Today has been a success for me . Had lunch with ex colleagues and felt so good and enjoyed it . Normally I find it hard to go out the house and am always exhausted after interaction with others . I love people but am always on my guard which is ridiculous . A cat that always walks by herself .
So am very happy tonight and very grateful for those colleagues who invite me always despite my jittery behaviour .

Your plans sound good to me Vicar . just one thing at a time . You truly sound you are on the road to recovery . It is no race mind ... take as long as you need . And go to the night out yup . But leave when you need to . No one will notice really . Keep taxi fare in your purse .

Ed you do so much . Rest as much as you can . I love the way you write despite the distress you must feel . Keep going . My sister did accountancy years back and it opened lots of doors . Just feel myself that you would be good teacher somehow . Let it be for now as you recover maybe . No harm in researching though .
Am feeling ok tonight and relieved .
to all .

Offers a HUGE hug to helles. Even if you are not due back you can still make an appointment and go. I would have done a few days ago if I wasn't due imminently...actually it's one of those things that I put off. Must be done tomorrow tho cos I have no meds.

This is a safe place to Witter about tales of despair, tales of hope and tales of glory.

My day turned around a bit. Managed a cooked tea and frozen enough for another day AND I've already washed all the pots and everything is in the dishwasher.

DTDs did sort the bags in the end. I have had one of those days where they have irritated me irrationally tho. Just another one of those a bit flat for no particulater reason evenings.

I dunno about the teaching. I can only think of a handful of lessons I actually enjoyed. I can't see me doing it until I am 60. I can't see anyone wanting to employee me as a teacher with a nervous breakdown on my record. I am not really a people person. I thought I would get by with academic excellence but it's not that easy.

I'm glad you have good friends too Bassett. I feel horribly guilty for my closest friends at times as I can be very hard to communicate with. I seem to either shut down, can't get a clear sentence out, garble names and timed and places, revisit random past conversations and expect people to know what I am going on about....or get so stressed that I start talking 10 to the dozen which nobody can understand at the best of times...but combine it either a random conversation where I am icing up times and places and people have to guess what I am trying to say! One of my favourite phrases at the mo. ..whenever anyone has a brief moment of confusion my quote is "welcome to my world"....

Anyways...waves to anyone I've cross posted with. Waves to silvery nana and anyone else I've missed.

I'm having one glass of wine....and 45mins on the Wii before bed.

you all ha e actual shot in your lives - I just have rubbish chemicals I. my brain. embarrassing then that I feel like this

sorry re typing. have tremors. forgot to check it

Nope we are all here because (speaking personally) we can't function 7 days a week at the mo. We all have a bit of shit chemical stuff going on. We will all come through it with appropriate medical help and support from friends, families and OURSELVES.

In the meantime we have this thread to vent. Support and celebrate.

everything that Ed said .

We are here .

And helles you are able to get out and do a job unlike some of us.

And you make me tidy my kitchen before I go to bed 5 days out of 7.

You are ill. But you will geyser better have some of my ....I'm about to pour myself another glass cos I need to finish this level on donkey Kong :D

absolutely ed

helles i would really miss you if you didnt post - you should go back and re read some of your posts from a few pages back - you are brilliant. You say the right thing, you have loads of positives in your life and you have the potential to become a teacher when you are able.

ed you have amazing insight into your own difficulties and im sure that when you recover you will make an amazing teacher.

basset you speak with clarity and sense all the time.

without this thread i swear, i would have gone under. Talking to you guys, just getting it out of my system has helped me immensely and i cannot thank all of you enough. Its such a comfort to have people to talk to who relate. My sgt said to me on Sunday that i am too open. i reveal too much to people.
the acting sgt who came out before said if i had shared my problems maybe others would have understood more. There in lies my problem at work - it all depends who i speak to as to how i am seen. And i worry about how i am seen.

i am open. DH says thats just me. If that means i say too much at work then ive probably already blotted my copy book tbh. I should have kept very quiet about everything - i have allowed dribs and drabs of my former life to come out when i thought it pertinent. Ive told kids in care before that i understand because ive been there - ive said that in front of colleagues.

im going to go to OH with a list of "needs" and if they cannot accommodate those "needs" i am out. (as soon as i find an alternative)

if they can - great. but i feel i will have some major hurdles with colleagues to overcome when i do go back.

i hope ive not missed name checking anyone - because you have all helped me so much.
nana and mama included.

we will need another thread soon. What shall we call it?

And I second everything vicar said too.

How about something that has bed in the title. I think we have all/most mentioned difficulties with either getting into or out of bed...I guess we need something positive tho.

How about...I will get out of bed in the morning and go to bed at night....or Is that a bit too dry?

how many of us are posting regularly now?

ed, helles, basset, nana, mama.....is that it and me?

we should call it "there were five in the bed..."

and helles belles said....get up!

What about silvery? But I like the concept!

See helles you can't leave you're gonna be in the thread title :o

blood hell....i knew i would forget to mention someone! silvery has been here from the start! sorry silvery - forgive my addled brain.

6 in the bed.....and counting!

I won't tell silvery if you won't tell mama that I missed her in mh round up...

Actually feeling kind of positive and functional as I head to bed tonight

A plodding sort of day, forcing myself to do paperwork v..e..r..y s..l..o..w..l..y, piece by piece. Had it all ranged on the living room floor, kinda useful cos I have to file it or DCat will shred it all by morning.

Have a meeting tomorrow (service user stuff) which I'll enjoy.

vicar it may be an AS thing to overshare sometimes, I find I do this because I tend not to skirt round things as others might do, but answer too honestly, iyswim.