should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

thank you basset - really thank you.

i will not do anything rash, but i suspect in this climate there is little to be done but i will wait and see what occy health say.

i had asked to do an attachment in something more CID like....but i was told no due to numbers.
i would love to think that i am worth hanging on to, but i dont believe thats how things work anymore.
still.
i will see. if i have to go back on response i will ask to go part time to preserve a bit of sanity perhaps....

Wading through treacle atm, can't seem to concentrate for long on anything, and have lots of half-finished things I need to do.

basset says it so well, so I will just second her. Take care, all.

and you silvery - hope you get out of that treacle soon. i know that feeling honestly i do....

take care yourself. x

Vicar you are worth hanging on to . Blimey heck .
Tell Occy health how you feel . Do it . Nothing to lose because you are looking elsewhere anyhow.
If the force is negative and unhelpful then you and I know that you will be fine and get work that makes you fulfilled and come home content . part time I believe will tick the boxes for you in your life .
If I win lottery tonight I will get you a horse . I WILL .
sleep well all . it is so important to us all .

UGGH .That wading through treacle and sand Silvery it is bloody awful .
HATE IT.
hang on ..........hang on and talk to us here . I have a home like a bomb site and want to sew /knit /clear the dishes /hoover .....you are with like minded souls .
look after yourself. IT WILL get better .

Morning all.

Had a good, interesting, thought provoking and spanner in the works day yesterday. I want to just try and get it all down if I can so that I can try and clarify thoughts actions and options...this thread really helps me do that...

I spent most of the day with a good friend that has previously had a nervous breakdown, whose husband recently had a nervous breakdown, who did teacher training with me and who knows my tutor. I know that she has had a tough time with her teaching to date so I was kind of expecting her to moan and whinge and be negative and put the final nail in my coffin that is my pgce. But she didn't. She was quite up beat about many aspects of her job...which is giving me an air of confusion about what I do or don't want to do...we also talked a but about one of the nqt s (kind of like probationary teachers) that was at my tough school and has been off long term with stress. She has now given up teaching...and even before she gave up teaching I compared myself quite a lot with her...so maybe it isn't for me...
She was very sympathetic about the staying in bed all day. .we talked about my progress this week and Thursday's euphoria followed by Friday's exhaustion. Her Dh was the same send he weaned himself off bed over a slower period of time. She said it took him about 8 weeks...and he gradually made himself return to bed later and laterm each day. Might be better than going cold turkey...

She has offered to go and see my tutor either for or with me so I feel a bit more comfortable about ringing him on Monday.

We had a great day...which turned into afternoon tea send cake into a takeaway night with lots of reminiscing and me getting home about 11pm...

So...feeling a bit more optimistic about future...but a bit more confused about the future in some respects...

So a bit more back to the thread...I'm still in bed...but I don't think I want to stay in bed all day. I think I want to finish my scarf...play on the Wii. I've got some laundry to do. I also think I want to do a bit of reading in bed first. It feels weird to want to do things....

I so empathise with the walking through treacle...I think that is an excellent analogy....so I will add my own positive one of walking on air :).

I've lost track of who said what whilst you were all bonding... whilst I was out with friend :o.I am also on a new page so can't reference everyone individually.

I hope occupational health is useful tho vicar. I'm sure there will be other options in thread police force when they see that you can't do the front line job and if/when occy health support you with that statement then doors may open up more easily. My neighbour is in the police force and she is something to do with intelligence and planning...she is an officer but office based and 9-5 Mon-Fri which sound like much more suitable working pattern for you because you could still do horsey things at the weekend. I have also had relatives working as civilians in the force. Something to do with crime management and logging crimes...she did work shifts but only earlies and lates no overnights. There were also progression options and it was more than just admin because she ended up the equivalent rank of an inspector. I guess what I'm trying to say are that there are options and I hope that occy health can help you explore and develop those options if you are interested.

basset I'm not too bad, I'm not depressed, my theory is it's ADHD which stops me getting going (and which sometimes keeps me going for too long once I've started!) This used to lead on to frustration and thence to depression, especially as Ex did nothing round the house (don't start me!) Now I'm on my own, it's much better, and I can restart while knowing others are not making more work while I'm getting on with other things. Am doing alright today :)

I do remember what being depressed was like though, and find this thread a support for my not-getting-going-ness.

I too think vicar could have a v useful role to play in the police - hope they can see that.

I appear to have fallen off the wagon.

I appear to be still in bed.

I appear to have had 1 nap already today.

I appear to want to close my eyes and go back to sleep...

its odd isnt ed - i find myself in the same boat - some days i can do "normal" stuff and some days i just cant.

thanks again basset and silvery

im anxiously awaiting my sgt who is visiting today - i have no idea what to say to him at all.

i have no idea why they feel the next to check up on you every few weeks.

i have been at the stables again all day. learnt more stuff.
still have no desire to go back to work.

like you ed i feel very confused about work. DH has just reminded me that i have another 20 odd years to work - so i need to find something that doesnt bring me to the brink.

anyway - will pop back later. am stressing now about this visit....its the other bloke coming out.

I find I sometimes just need a rest day, sometimes (well, often) involving naps, my theory is it is overwhelm on my system due to having AS. Had 2 naps today, finished 2 things that needed doing, and friend came over for a cuppa.

vicar I think there are guidelines about how to show caring for a sick employee - mind you when I was off work with work-related stress one phone call from work asking how I was was enough to have me back under the duvet

Hmm...I suppose I had better eat something....then I had better take my meds...tomorrow isn't going to be great either.

I am just about to cast off my scarf tho....

im sure thats it silvery but like wise - the thought of them coming makes me horribly anxious

know what you mean about rest days - i seem to need one to recharge batteries if ive had a few "good" days.

Well sgt has come and gone. im none the wiser.

Have my endoscopy tomorrow so stressing about that too.

i feel so confused about everything, its all too muddled. My poor head hurts, literally.

Serg says i can without doubt do this job, that my mild manner is advantageous as i never wind people up, but i just dont know how to feel about it any more, he did say i need to assess whether or not its for me.

There may be things that Occupational health can help me with - and there is a possibility i could go part time but probably only for a limited time. Serg says he sees me going into a vacancy within policing that is more children oriented, but i would have to wait for a vacancy and apply etc.
Not sure i can survive front line response policing until such time arrives.

so. no idea what to do (still)

think im going to continue to look at whats about, apply for anything that takes my fancy and im also going to look into civvie jobs and call handling.

off for a bath to try and relax - this endoscopy tomorrow is possibly not going to allow sleep tonight unless i take a zopiclone....

silvery... I was getting stressed that my tutor hasn't tried to contact me...but then someone said they probably aren't allowed to cross certain lives when the cause is stress.

Surely vicar you have a bit more clarity with where you stand with the force (even if you don't gave clarity with where you go from here). As far as I can see the force still believe in you (ditto for my teaching mentors). They can only offer you part time for a short time (ditto with my pgce). You don't have confidence in your own abilities (Ermm...dare I say it ditto). You also know that moving into other roles is an option but dependent on vacancies and selection process. So just from what you have put here I would say you have more clarity on your options if not where you want to take them.

Huge hand holding for tomorrow. Hope if goes well.

I did redeem myself slightly by loading dishes and clearing rubbish of worktops before going to bed. I was however very late taking meds so I am expecting disturbed sleep and shaky day tomorrow. I do, however, have no children to wake me in the morning...and my neighbour is away so no disturbance through the wall so I expect to sleep in...:)....unless the school buses which are diverted along a road which is now flooded cause chaos...

Night all. Waves to all.

Thinking of vicar and her endoscopy.

Thinking if nana in Ireland.

Thinking of everyone else and the treacle they are plodding through...

I'm talking to myself again....but surely that's ok in the mental health threads :D

As predicted shaky day...and I am supposed to be doing some delicate biscuit decorating at brownies tonight .

Slow morning....was in bed till gone 11 buty only because I was hooked into my book and wanted to get to the end...

I'm picking a friend up at 1.45 and as she will be coming to my house I need to wipe worktops, clean bathroom, put last load of washing in, get dressed, put face on and pop to the neighbouring village and back before then....why do I always leave things to the last minute????

And even now I am sitting on mn procrastinating and delaying things.

I think I need a little brain dump.

On Friday I did go to see a friend and it went well and I was a lot more calm than usual. BUT I spent Friday feeling like my whole body was trembling and I was absolutely wiped out until afternoon on Saturday. Lunch triggered another flashback which is what I would expect based upon previous experiences. The flashbacks are emotional where it is feeling memories IYSWIM. I didn't sleep well at all last night although the few hours I did get made the world of difference.

I am coming out on the other side. It is difficult because I come out feeling dejected, hopeless and I am irritable which isn't fair on anyone. The flashback sets off intrusive memories which just keep randomly popping up in my head and these memories make me feel unsettled just as they did at the time, even though I know it is about the other person's warped perception and not me. It is such a useless waste of energy and just drags me down. I cannot spend the next few years doing this. I may call my counsellor to see what her recommendations are in terms of trying to access any local services or even if I go the GP route and get a referral, if there is anybody I should be trying to get sent to specifically. It has been too long.

Bassetfeet - Sat 26-Jan-13 19:42:55 - yes, listening (and heeding) my inner voice would have been a good idea but I kept wilfully pushing my doubts and reservations to one side. Acknowledging them = I would have had to leave (which has happened anyway).

I hope you're all doing well and the endoscopy yields useful results vicar

Hi Ed sorry you are having shaky day again ...it is the pits . I had similar yesterday .....visited my elderly mother who wanted her nails cut . Cue me making a hash of it . People do notice it and comment . I hate it .
Hoping seeing your friend is a content and helpful distraction Ed . Like you having anyone come to the house is the only way to get me moving housework wise. You described it perfectly in the word procrastination . Meet your twin .
I dither a lot also which drives family mad.

How far into your PGSE are you if you dont mind me asking ? Have your placements been in unsupporting schools ? No need to answer mind if intrusive . Really empathise with the having to contact tutor /or wait for phone call .Sends stress levels soaring in having to say well still not ready blah blah . Hopefully folk now realise that recovery is a long process .

Like you hope that Nanna is enjoying time with her family in Ireland .
And that Vicar has now had her endoscopy and is home later feeling much better .
Hi to everyone else ..hope today is being a good one

Oh Mama so sorry to read you have been having a horrible time . Exhausting and draining . Can your counsellor redirect you to more tailored therapy for PTSD maybe ? I dont know much about it but others will post soon for sure .
How a manager in the workplace can be so bullying is beyond comprehension . Evil .
I hope my comment did not upset you re inner voice Mama . It sounded kind of smug on rereading ..so not intentional . my fingers run away from me sometimes before my internet radar re words on screen kicks in .

Keep coming out the other side and hope you find a therapist who will help you banish the damage and distress that you have endured recently .
It is good to talk here isnt it ? Sound like an ad for BT
But it is .
Thinking of you all and hope that Helles is ok .

Bassetfeet no, no.... your comment was spot on! If I had listened to my inner voice about initial doubts about working with this person (they were not justifiable doubts; just a sense of unease. I tend to be an intuitive person) and THEN listened when I was facing it all, I probably would not be writing this post atm.

Tailored treatment is what I should be aiming for I think. The counselling has helped but I need to deal with this pita (pardon me). The counsellor will have a good handle on what is available and who would be good. It honestly is a waste of my energy :(

I can understand so much about what I have gone through and the process but you put your finger on it - I cannot comprehend wanting to cause pain. From his attitudes and behaviour he seemed to enjoy it which just bewilders me as I cannot comprehend this at a personal level. I am trying to accept that he is slightly not right somewhere in his mind or personality. Simply trying to accept it hasn't quite worked either.

PS I laughed at the BT joke - ta!

Yes. It has been extremely helpful, and also to see what other people are going through and learning to live with. The honesty on this thread and others is what is helping me to slowly come to terms with the damaging impact of abusive behaviour (I had avoided people with these tendencies or simply blocked them out) and shutting up and putting up with it.

and a round of and [biscuits] for all

Fair enjoyed that cuppa and biscuit Mama .....phew glad I didnt offend .
So get what you say about the incomprehension you feel about this man and his repulsive behaviour . Chickens come home to roost though eventually ?
Here is another for us until the others appear .

hi all.

mama - i can whole heartedly recommend "rewind" therapy for stressful memories - i had one session and it completely removed the emotional response to those memories - for me it was years and years (8 years in total) of childhood abuse and neglect - some very very upsetting memories that i dared not relive - the REWIND therapy meant i didnt even need to tell the therapist what i was thinking or feeling - session took 20 mins - and i can honestly say it worked.
It moves those "stuck" memories from one part of the brain to another - the therapist described it like looking at a painting and the colour leaving it - the memory is still there (the painting) but the colour goes (the emotional response)
it saved me tons of time on long winded counselling sessions.
do google it - its amazing and i was so sceptical - and yet the next time i tried to talk about some very painful memories i did not collapse in a sobbing heap.

job done.

Hi to the rest of you.
ed we do seem to be on parallel lines life wise dont we....

Im here following the endoscopy. It revealed a 5cm hiatus hernia so i have a follow up appointment in Feb. I will be asking about surgical intervention due to the meds not really working anymore. I now need to see someone from ENT to look at my vocal chords which have endured years of acid damage.

The endo wasnt pleasant but i coped. i had the sedation but was absolutely aware of everything - the drugs didnt seem to work and i was allowed home straight away because it appears the sedation didnt work. never mind. i coped.

I have to do a job application tomorrow and upload my CV to the PC.

I am undecided what to do but am going to continue to apply for things while i wait occy health - i need to know what my options are.

A very funny thing has happened aswell - im not sure how many of you have followed by verruca gate saga....i have verrucas from hell - lots and lots and lots of them with the mummy verruca causing pain and its huge.

well. They are going. They are really going - after having them for about 8 years now (i counted from when DD stopped going to swimming club) and they just got bigger and bigger and worse and worse (i have now counted 32) but they are drying up and getting smaller....

im amazed at what stress does to the body. I think i have been struggling for a long long time.

anyway. thats enough of me.
basset i also get tremors - i was shaking when sgt came yesterday - its quite pronounced at times. I hope you have had a good day today.

Also hope that nana is having a restful HM free break, and waves to silvery and helles.

forgive me if ive missed anyone - i didnt sleep well at all last night, i had an afternoon nap today, but am a bit fuzzy headed now - maybe the sedation did work - just late!

Evening all....I've onLynn just stopped since my last post and boy I'm knackered!

Did some shopping.
Collected dd3 and took to rainbows
Was informed that I was down on parent Rota which I hadn't read
Whizzed home to collect DTD1 and all the stuff for the brownie meeting I had planned
Struggled through brownies cos I was stressed at having my evening thrown out of sync (i dont cope well when things deviate from my plan at the moment. ...i get thrown into a panicked headspin and stress and anxiety spiral). I was lucky all the brownie bits were ready for me to grab.

Have friend round Gordon coffee and chat whilst dtd1 at guide's byvwhivh time DTD2 had trashed my sparkly kitchen getting her own tea.

Dropped friend home about 10.15....on the way home there was an advert for the accountancy qualification which is my plan B...one of the quotes was 'start a new life'. Is it a sign?

I have to see GP within next 2 days cos I run out of meds. I need to talk to tutor. I doubt know which to do first ... GP will want to know where I stand with uni....uni will want to know GPs opinion of whether I am fit. I also told GP I eoukd book an appointment with careers advisor...which I guess I can do tomorrow.

I can't remember who asked... but in theory I have 5 weeks placement and 1 essay to write....

Sorry you're having a tough time mama. I hope you can find a therapy that suits you so you can move on.

Thanks for being my twin Bassett. I never truly get rid of the shakes but they just come and go in intensity....both day to day and they are worse when I try and do intricate stuff....I was having a shaky day because of forgotten meds...made worse by being thrown out of sync...made worse by delicate biscuit decoration....it's been rubbish.

Glad ypuve got the endoscopy out of the way vicar and you have some answers which can guide a treatment plan. I am also pleased the verucas are healing....could be reducing stress....could be the nearest .

Waves to silvery and helles that haven't posted today and nana who is obviously/hopefully having a great hm free break.

Waves to anyone else I have forgotten....right now I need sleep (been awake since 8am!)

Apologies for hideous typos...too tired and stressed.

Nearest = bedrest with regards to verucas....I will correct that or the joke is lost....