should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

Ed that's excellent advice for Vicar - prevarication is definitely the father of anxiety!

Nina how do I cope with work on bad days? I guess, because I started as a teenager and my dad didn't believe in time off school, I got used to having to get up and go no matter what.

I make sure the key people around me know I have depression and what a bad day looks like. When it is a bad one, I am "on" for my students (as much as I can be) and allow myself to slump otherwise. So, during breaks, lunches and admin time, I will avoid people if I can and have quiet time just focussing on one thing at a time which seems to help. I allow myself to walk slowly and focus on my steps. I allow my shoulders to droop. When I go through a door, I pull myself up, paint on a smile and get ready to act normal.

Actually making myself look positive and confident really does help. That pulling myself up gets me through and the kids can be relied on to let me know if I zone out .

AMainly, though, minimising the chances of a depressed episode by minimising reasons for anxiety through all the methods I listed yesterday.

Good evening Vicar ,Ed ,Helles ,Nina ,Silvery ,Kizzie and Mamma
That took some concentration .

Nina you asked about the waxes and wanes of my own struggle . So good to see you posting .

My depression came about after a long time dealing with acute anxiety. My doctor at that time was useless. So like us all I felt weak and pathetic and carried on working through the retching in the morning ,no sleep and that horrible feeling of depersonalisation . You know the saying frozen with fear ?
I thought it was just a saying until it happened to me one morning at 7am crossing the field next to my home on way to work . I had been retching since 3am and froze as it says . I could not move . Honestly .
My depression is always set off by acute anxiety . They are the terrible twins.

my triggers are alcohol [I self medicate a lot but not as bad as before ] ...feeling lonely ......and sometimes it hits with out warning the bastard .

Very lucky to have good doctor now who rescued me and is not afraid of telling me off either . He saved my life . Not trite it is true . I am on tricyclics meds for life now .

Like us all I have stuff going on in my life now . The meds and mindfulness meditation is keeping me ok focused .
The past is gone and the future is only conjecture ....my mantra for now .

hugs to you all even if they are non mumsnet ones .

Thanks BF for your reply. I think I know what depersonalisation is but not entirely sure. I can recall a sunny Sat morning in the small garden of the psych hospital and all the nurses were outside talking about BBQs and things and I felt "not of the human race" that's the only way I can describe it. It still scares me to think of it.

I find that anxiety and depression go together though one can be more problematic than the other. How did you learn mindfulness meditation because I think that could help me. I like your mantra too and will make sure I remember it.

Thanks also HB for your reply - are you a teacher? That must be very difficult but you seem to be in control of your depression and know what the things are that make you worse. I am really going to think of how I can control my bloody headmonster, or at least argue with him! Not sure how to do this but I want to try.

Hope everyone else is having a bearable day. How are you Vicar?

Okay, evening all. I will try and keep up. It is amazing just how much is written across the last three pages.

Are the restful days in bed a way of coping by letting the body and mind switch off and rest and heal? As a few have mentioned, they do find it a refuge and that it helps. Is it a bit like stepping away until things calm down a bit? Do we end up worse for wear and mentally worn out because we continue to carry on as though everything is okay until it becomes very much not okay? A few pages back, there was a comment on how many of us seem to be people-oriented, and perhaps this places an obligation of stewardship upon us (compounding things further).

I have started to let myself have one or two days a week where I do practically nothing (pre-prep the evening meal the day before). Bed rest with naps and books. Unfortunately this week has been too busy and I haven't been practising my music so I will be behind for my next lesson. I am not quite so even keeled the last few days and really need a rest day.

NN PTSD; I tick practically all of the boxes except it is the consequence of a long-term and repetitive series of events accumulating. A flashback sets off something similar to an anxiety attack and that just paralyses me (mentally); all I can describe is pure, blind fear. Suppressing responses to triggers just seems to make it snowball in the evenings when sleep is compounded and also vivid dreams appear. My counsellor is trained in trauma and grief and has explained it as I kept so much suppressed for so long and internalized it, my mind is still trying to come to grips with things.

I have had some days where I have woken up as my happy self (I used to be one of those bright eyed and bushy tailed things just happy to be awake and ready to explore; when I do catch a glimpse of that person I miss her). A good friend, with depression and a family history of depression, has recommended I go see my GP but I just cannot pluck up the courage. Where medication is involved I hit this huge no zone (any medication not just ones to help mental health problems). People have seen an improvement in the last six months, I do feel better in myself, the counsellor also says so. How long is a piece of string/how long until I really feel much better and how does one decide what is the best approach?

One mantra I read on the relationships pages was things can only drag you down if you're holding on. Some days letting go gives me more freedom and space to be me and to exist. Unfortunately there's a pile of uncompleted chores today

To do in the next 1.5 h - clean kitchen, tidy living room and dining room, make pizza dough, perhaps begin ironing. I need to bake a birthday cake (may go and buy one but feel that is a cop out).

x-o-x

evening everyone. Looks like everyone has had a fairly productive day.

just a quickie from me (will go and re read all latest posts when my eyes are not so square....)

DS still a work in progress - i have some more sorting out for him to do when he comes home - the bank are arguing about waiving the fees now even though they said they would to me.

i have had a funny day really - didnt get dressed after Occupational health cancelled me but did do some serious job searching.
i rang a council dept to ask about a job and they were really really interested in me - but (why is there always a but?) the vacancy i was interested in was only for 16 weeks and although the lady i spoke to was very enthusiastic about me they cannot just accept CVs to keep on file - she had said to send in a CV online for the' talent pool' but when i tried to do it it seems they only want CV for apprenticeships - im a bit old for that....
so back to square one.
she did say to look online daily and that they would be really pleased to have me apply for suitable vacancies....there was one that dealt with young offenders but was out of my league....
so i was very pleased to think my training may not be wasted, but then reality struck when i surfed the net/job sites for over 3 hours to no avail.

so. thats been my day. i feel in limbo. and ive just realised ive not had my meds....better go and get them.

the fact she was positive about your application is good vicar. I don't know about where you live but on my council's web page, you can set up an email alert and it let's you know if a job matching the parameters you set comes up. why would the youth team job be out of your league?

nina I'm an hlta so I work mostly with students with learning difficulties, asd's, behavioural disorders, mental health problems, etc in a secondary school. I support in lessons as well as planning and delivering interventions.

there was so much more I wanted to ask about bit am on phone so can't check back and I'm shattered cos it's cubs/scouts night. I will look again tomorrow.

night all

Quickie from me tonight.

Day not stunning but not disastrously bad. I don't feel as tho I achieved much (although I do have 3 full sets of clean uniform tomorrow and have washed a dog shit covered coat...)

Tomorrow needs to be a good day (words of doom there). Need to have a bath. Need to vacuum (still haven't done that) need to put some washing away. Need to sort this uni phone call out...I've also promised dcs enchiladas for tea so whilst that isn't hard it needs some organisation and I can't rely on DTDs sorting themselves out....somehow I suspect a takeaway may ensue...

How did your chat with ds go vicar?

I agree with helles the fact that she was positive about your application is great. It shows you have skills which would be desirable to potential employers.

mama I really like your idea of allowing yourself to have a rest day....might try and plan that into my week and treat it as a treat if I can stay out of bed on the other days...

I am REALLY struggling with my trembling. Does anyone else suffer with that. I think it is a symptom of the anxiety but it is listed as a side effect of meds. I'm not sure if I'm so bad because my anxiety is high (could be related to pressure of looming uni phone call? ) or the fact I was late with my meds yesterday and only took half a dose yesterday.

Is it a sign that I need to increase dose/change meds? I mention it every time I see gp and it gets brushed off. She did check how bad it was thoblast time and typically I was having a good day...

Anyways...I am in bed...ready for a restful night...must be productive so time for rely group hug and wish all a peaceful day tomorrow.

I'm switching my phone off....before midnight!

Well I would have done if I could type a coherent sentence first time....

ed i get the shakes if i miss a dose of meds or am later than normal taking them - i only noticed it the other day - i was holding my phone and it was juddering all over....i tried to hold it still and couldnt. I also get a weird jaw/teeth chattering thing....no idea why. It could be the meds....

Talk with DS....mmmmm. well im trying to put it out of mind until he comes home in just over a week - then we can sort it - the bank wont deal with me unless he is with me, they are telling him he owes fees - they told me they had waived his fees. but typically he didnt tell the he has AS. We have an appt with the bank on 2nd Feb so there is nothing i can do until then. If he gives me guardian ship i can monitor the account and speak on his behalf. He really cant fight his corner.

the job thing....i was really pleased but it turned to dust when i realised that despite them saying they would love me to have me from a police background there were actually no jobs....
anyway. have a good night. im still up....i have raging heartburn - i had to stop taking the reflux meds for the dreaded endoscopy....

will try to sleep soon. (but i also know tomorrow i have nothing planned and can slope off back to bed if the need takes me....)

Coo this is a very active thread and it's hard to keep up, but good to know what everyone is doing. The only thing is my ageing brain cells (69 next month) can't recall things like they used to, or it is short term memory loss- dementia!!!!! NO I'm not going there!

Mama I know you have a good therapist but have you heard of this therapy EMDR (I always forget the full term, but it's Rapid Eye MOvement something something (you could google it) I mention it because so many people on the MH thread have found it extremely helpful. I don't know much about it but I think it is very different from "normal" therapy where you talk about things from the past which were traumatic - apparently you don't have to do that and MNs are saying this has helped where nothing else has in the past. Just thought I'd mention it.

It's your choice of course about meds but I have foundthem helpful for depression and anxiety - well they've been life savers for me (literally)

I think all of us struggle with the hiding under the duvet and should we or shouldn't we etc., and I agree it is a refuge - I honestly think that since so many of us find some vague peace under the duvet that we should listen to our bodies, because that is what they are telling us to do.

Thankfully my headmonster is in a deep sleep today so can go and meet my lovely grdghtr from school. I have just cleaned the floors that I've been putting off all week, but am mega anxious about the Ireland trip - we go on Sat. I know we all have our own anxieties and are obsessed with whatever it is. I know Vicar you are struggling with sorting out your son - is he home for the weekend as you mention him coming home soon.

Hello to everyone else - I had this thought that we could all meet - oh god how scarey would that be!!!!

scarey but a nice idea nana

DS is home not this weekend but next. Trying to put it all out of my head until then - nothing i can do in the meantime without him.

slow start for me today but am going to go and dress in a min, need to nip out later. Been scanning the jobs sites again....it swallows up hours. It will make me feel safer to know i have a plan B so im looking in earnest now. I have found one im going to apply for (1 job after 2 hours of searching...but am going to scan daily now to see whats around)

How is everyone else doing today?

Hi all
good day today ...walked borrowed basset/beagle cross down by the river and it was so lovely . I felt myself coming to life a bit with the snowy landscape and all the migrating birds on the fields and on the trees. That is huge for me to be interested again. Feel I am regaining some control and am very content tonight .
got the bird books out and glanced at the sewing and knitting basket [lifeless for two years ]

yes to trembling and shaking on meds . It is awful isnt it ? Ok with big tasks but the intention tremor when you focus on a small task is scary . I shake badly with that hence the not sewing etc . Not a spoken of side effect but know a lot who have had it anecdotally .

Nina Dont be afraid going to Ireland . You have been ok in the past and will be again . I will be on your shoulder along with us all giving you support . Yup we will .
Easy to say I know . But dont project your fear my love . Just really go with the flow and concentrate on what is happening at the time ...the people around you,the sky ,smells........sensations at the time . Do not project the fear of what might happen ? The future has not happened yet . just conjecture .

If you feel bad then retreat to your room and bed and blanket Nina . Your family love you although they may not understand completely . Tell the truth
We must dont we ? And always carry enough money in your purse to get home quickly if you need . You wont need it but it is a must for all of us who feel as you do . You will be fine Nina . you will .

Vicar so pleased to read that you feel well enough despite the stress to look for another job . Police work now is beyond stressful . See what Occupational Health say though first . But it is a lions den out there I know . What is the govt playing at ? officers leaving the force in hundreds .

large bosom hug to all . got to get that monobust to shrink soon . [blush ].

Good evening I have had a FAB day :) (and it is amazing how much more fab my day is for typing that!).

My body has not touched my bed since 8am , even though I haven't been 'out' .
I don't feel as though I have achieved much but when I list it all I know I have:
STAYED OUT OF BED
Emptied and cleaned dishwasher
Cleared airer and put yesterdays washing to dry
Put away most of the dry washing
Vacuumed
Bathed

I've played on the Wii most of the day but I wasn't in bed.
It dawned on me that I was doing too much. Getting out of bed AND doing stuff is too snickering and then I end up back in bed. Seeing as my target is to stay out of bed I decided to focus on that...I'll get more productive as the days/weeks pass :). It wasn't easy. It was tempting to go back to bed when I completed my Wii game....but I DIDN'T.

I'm shattered now. Absolutely shattered. Having Chinese for tea. Dcs currently at their dads so I have am hour to kill before I get the takeaway.

Oh and did I mention that I stayed out of bed.

Tomorrow I intend to stay out of bed again. Got some errands to run so that will keep me busy. I am planning to allow myself to have a pj and bed day on Saturday. Will be the first time I won't have the kids in 3 weeks....and I won't have to set an alarm.

vicar it's good to see you working on a plan B...options can only be a god thing.

nana so glad thread hm is sleeping. Don't worry with keeping up with us all....I know what you means about it being hard to concentrate on who said what.

Hi to everyone else.

Guess what the best part of my day has been :o?

ignores the fact that I am avoiding uni tutor

Xpost with Bassett

I know what you mean about the shakes. I am another crafty person. My therapist wants me to get back to cross stitch but I just can't. At best I am aware of the tremor. At worst I can't even thread the needle.I hate when dcs ask me to fix some thing or do sosomething delicate I just can't because I'm shaking.

I am doing a bit of knitting tho. I find I can still do that because it isn't as delicate as my cross stitch.

Ed you star . I am high fiving you over the net . So so pleased you are feeling good . I know how that feels and it is so comforting . so delighted to read your mail and hey ...savour that Chinese Ed . got reduced duck breasts for tea tonight .....the calories are beyond awful . doubt the cabbage and carrots will absolve it . but hey ho just glad to feel hungry as we all know .
yes thanks for knitting idea re trembling . Going to cast on tonight for square re blanket .
waving to Helles ,Mama , Silvery ,Kizzie and anyone out there struggling .

good evening. it's Thursday so I'm tired after cubs/scouts last night but feeling pretty good otherwise.

ed you little star! I knew you could do it! I agree with nina about retreating to our caves on bad days but spending everyday there he's you down and what I love is how -rightly - proud of yourself you are because that means you'll want to do it again

vicar Brill that you're looking at other options. has that calmed your fears of going back to police work at all?

I gather you've been over before nina what is it that makes you think you're likely to struggle this particular visit?

basset I love your posts!

Thanks.

I am on a massive high.

I can't believe I am on a massive high because I stayed out of bed.

I am shattered now (didn't actually sleep well last night) so think I will need heading to bed shortly. Might sit and do a bit of knitting first. :)

current situation: cannot be bothered to do dishes. want to go to bed. I know, though, hat tomorrow-helles will have a rubbish day if I leave them...
so I'm sitting doing nothing - neither going to bed nor washing up

Come on helles. What's happened to you? You know you need do them. You know that the investment of 15mins tonight will be so worth it.

Yes I have been over to Ireland loads of times HB (every 6 weeks for last 3 years) and have always been anxious. I am phobic about anyone other than DP seeing me in a state. It's the only trip I ever plan because of the flights. I long to see my gr/chdrn but can't look forward to it because I am anxious the HM will become active. This has happened before when I was there and I have managed somehow or other to get through it (children won't notice as they are 3 and 7) and too young to pick up on moods.

I just get anxious every time before we go..........yes I agree Basset's posts are lovely and I think she has a dry sense of humour.

My good day has gone a bit wonky - stupid argument with DP all over nothing, had no real food cus I'm a fussy eater and all the my son and DIL had was pasta and stuff like that. Just home from Birmingham and feel like going to bed............this doesn't bode well for tomorrow when I am supposed to see a very good friend and we've had the date booked for ages.

Sorry I am just thinking of me, but I do care about everyone else.

evening all

lovely reading todays posts

basset sounds like a good day for you and what about you ed!! well done!

i didnt do so well but no idea why i stayed hidden away in bed all morning as i didnt sleep due to next doors banging/drilling/sawing

i did end up getting dressed and took DD for a facial - i went to an old place of work to catch up with a mate and arrange lunch. Then i got talking to another bobby back at the beauticians of all places - but she only had 11 months to go til retirement (and couldnt wait) i didnt go into detail but told her i was on response and hated it....she was in CID and part time....but it did make me wonder about asking to go part time again....food for thought i guess. wonder if dropping a night shift would help - that way i would work 5 on and 5 off....could be more bearable perhaps....not sure. DH says it wouldnt ease my anxiety any or make the job any less stressful while im there...but i cant see many alternatives - they arent going to just move me to an easier job, so its stay and go part time or leave and find something else....

am going to apply for the job i saw but need to phone them tomorrow and ask about how to submit the application which bizarrely was not mentioned on the advertisment. Plus its in my home town - now this would have been a wonderful bonus had i just not remortgaged my house so it will mean a bit of a commute again but ultimately i want to move back home anyway....

glad you all had a good day nana basset and ed - (also high fives ed )

hope kizzie and mama are ok....

helles - 10 mins and those dishes could be done.....you really dont want to get up to those in the morning - do them now. go on. before bed.

i did mine before i sat down and i need to clear my coffee table before bed tonight - somehow it always makes the place look so untidy so im going to try and do it before bed. also need to iron a shirt for DD for tomorrow which i dont want to do

am going to try and go to bed slightly earlier tonight.

I went to bed . don't want to get up now cos of dirty dishes but will get up to set a good example to ds

Today is a new day helles.

I fear today won't be as successful as yesterday.

I slept really well but still so so so tired.

I also have a thumping headache.

Better get up and see if the tooth fairy visited dd3. No wonder my kids won't get out of bed in the mornings if I won't...

Having a slow start today, it is snowing so can't go to a service user meeting this afternoon, which at least gives me time to prepare what I need to for another su meeting. I have started it, think I'll have to use the chipping away method.

Re tooth fairy. We had a couple of near misses. Once I realised at 7am, leapt out of bed and had to slide hand gently under DS's pillow while (luckily) he stirred but did not wake. Another time, fairy forgot to visit DD at all, we wrote a note and thank goodness tf arrived next night!

Tooth fairy came (aka nanny plum apparently ...

I haven't been back yo bed yet but I am shattered so I am going to have an afternoon nap.

Haven't done much housework wise. But I stayed out of bed all morning. Done a bit of knitting and played on the Wii.

Gonna grab a quick bite to eat and then head to bed. I don't see it as a disaster. I am still weaning myself off bed....gradually.

Hope everyone else is doing ok...