should i go back to gp?

[DudeInaTutu]

back in the summer i went to the gp and blubbed all over her, i was very very down, there was an awful lot going on in my life and i was really struggling to cope, DS (who has SEN) had failed his course and uni looked in the balance, i was massively struggling with my workload and qualification, i was ill, DD was just diagnosed with dyslexia, i was having counselling for childhood abuse...too much really, and the gp prescribed sertraline. She wanted to sign me off work but i said no. i knew if she did, i would never ever go back. it took a huge amount of courage to go to the gp as it was my old place of work....i felt a failure. i had left my job as doctors receptionist for a shiny new career in the police, a career not a job, and at my age that felt like a life line, and truth was i was struggling with it all.

however.
i took a couple of doses of the sertaline and it made me feel really really ill. like drunk ill, sick, whoozy, spaced out and i knew i could not function like that.

i stopped taking it. i stopped talking. i shut down, i went into autopilot and carried on. i managed to get my qualification and passed my probation. yay. i should feel proud and happy. but i didnt. ive no real idea how i managed it. i got through my entire 2 year probation with not a single issue, and i still dont know how.

so we are 6 months later and i am flagging, and yet i have no idea if i really need ADs or if its just me....

i feel constantly tired. i cant get up on a morning - if im not at work i see DD off to school and go back to bed, i can easily sleep until 11am or later, and then, if ive no reason to get up, i can lay in bed, or just stay in pjs all day. i dont wash my face or brush my hair, i dont go out. i dont see anyone, and this is the thing, - i dont want to. im happy like that. i dont suppose shift work helps much with that though.

im probably drinking too much. at least 2 glasses of wine a day. (if im not on nights)

i dont go to bed. i stay up until the small hours, but actually, because i work shifts, thats not so bad - it means i can work myself around to nights without too much hassle....my problem really comes when im on day shifts and i need to get up at 5am. on those nights i take zopiclone to knock me out. all above board and prescribed, i was finding i was not sleeping at all on those nights and was making stupid mistakes at work, when driving etc. and on blue lights thats not a good idea, so another gp gave me zopiclone to take only on my day shifts (thats fine - i just take one every 10 days,)

i am currently having some health issues, and have been signed off work, im supposed to be off until a week on monday but i am going to have to go back earlier, the longer i wait to go back, the worse things will be and i have work piling up that i need to deal with.

im awaiting an endoscopy for some problems with my stomach. im on lots of meds for reflux at present (max dose of everything now, on 4 different meds) and am hoping to get the operation to sort it....

i know i am stressed. stressed beyond stressed. my workload is unmanageable and i am on my own with it - no consistant line manager to help me with it and i am told now that i am on my own - i should be able to manage it. its a learning curve and ive got to find a way to manage my workload....

ive got to make this job work for me. and im trying really hard to find outside interests, ive started horse riding which makes me forget the stress, and it doesnt matter what i look like - i can roll out of bed and go. DH says i can get my own horse if im sure i can afford it. that gives me something to go to work for...im working toward that.

i have few friends really in RL but those i do have have all actually said they think im depressed.
i know im not happy.
but is that depression? or am i just not happy? a bit down? is that going to be fixed with medication or should i just work my way through it? ive never had medication before and i actually hated how the sertaline made me feel.

im not sure what to do.

im also conscious that nananina hasnt posted in a few days - i hope very much its because her HM is dormant and she is having a good few days and not feeling the need to post.....

i should get to bed soon.

busy day ahead again tomorrow. (well - one that will entail getting dressed at any rate)

Same. ..

Another crap night's sleep here.

My therapist told me that when I stop slkeeping in the day I will sleep better at night.

I can see the theory. But in practice since I stopped sleeping in the day I sleep crap at night :(

I'm so tired I can eat a horse.. .

Nope I'm so tired I don't know the difference between eating and sleeping...

And my throat is so sore.

But all DCs are at school...yay!

My house is a tip. After heading to bed after choking dirty dishes and everything were abandoned. I feel motivated to tidy it....but too ill and too tired. School run then bed.

Oh Vicar and Ed you are both having such awful times at the moment and I know it isn't a competition but you both have far more on your plates than I do. SO I don't always feel I have the right to winge too much, with no kids, and just lovely DP and 2 cats. However I have had 2 good days but the bloody HM is awake again and on the rampage. Forced myself out of bed at 1.30. I wonder why the pain seems less when we are in bed - I think it's just that "withdrawing" from our lives that helps.

Vicar does your son have any other diagnosis other than AS. Mind I don't know a great deal about AS and I suppose it's where you are on the continuum isn't it. Do you think it's realistic that he is going to cope at Uni - what is he doing - and is he keeping up with the course work. I ask because I have a step grandson who has mild AS we think though never been diagnosed and he just hasn't coped at Uni and changed course after the first year and couldn't cope with that either, and the Uni finally withdrew him before Christmas. He's now moping at home with no prospect of a job but he is not troublesome.

Ed I know you don't want to think about it, but e mailing your tutor to explain what is happening and asking what the options are might be a good idea. Ideally you would need to defer the course wouldn't you as there is no way you can cope with your mental illness, children and a PGCE. No way.
I'm really sorry I've forgotten what your diagnosis is - I thought it was dep/anx but am not sure. Are you on meds.

The thing is though we might all have the same diagnosis of mental illness but I'm certain that we all experience it in different ways, just to confuse us all the more.
I am getting anxious about our trip to Ireland on Sat - we have son/dil and 2 little grcdchrn over there and we go about every 6 weeks on Ryanair. They sort of know that I have these ups and downs but not the detail. My big worry is if I am having a bad time when I am there, particularly because when I cry in the mornings it is really loud and would scare the children, so I will have to practice stuffing a towel into my mouth. Also I hate the thought I can't play with the chdrn etc but as DP says "let's just take it a day at a time"

Incidentally when I clicked on "I'm On" this thread didn't come up.

Love and empathy by the bucketfull to everyone...........NNx

Hi hope you dont mind me popping in just to say hi to Nana.
So sorry you have been going through a blip - bloody things !

Hope all goes well with your visit to ireland and you manage to have some good time with the grandchildren.

Take care

It is easy though, isn't it, not having to explain.

On here we type "can't stop crying" and everyone else thinks: yeah, Iknow what that's like.

RL: oh no! What's wrong?

So wearying at times - having to explain that, like an asthmatic wheezing, it's just a symptom of the illness. And, like the wheezing, we can medicate and make lifestyle changes that, sometimes, just aren't enough. Thinking of it that way has helped me I think. It made me stop just accepting that I have depression and made me not want to put up with its symptoms. Grr!

I have been trying mindfulness for brief periods - whil eating a satsuma for example. It's very refreshing to focus on the moment.

The other thing I've been doing (to encourage myself to stay on top of housework as not doing it really affects my mood and my likelihood of doing future housework) is visualising how I will feel if I do it and come in the next day to see a clean whatever and if I don't do it and come in the next day and see a dirty whatever and then comparing them. Seems to help though I have struggled to keep up with flylady on weekdays. Still keeping my sink shiny though

I can't imagine that anyone on here minds what anyone posts - because we're all sick of having to mind what we say to others who don't understand. Usually because we don't want them to feel bad...

Hi Kizzie yes still blipping away (was going to say "like mad" but thought better of it!! These days I call him my Headmonster and he lives in my head, sleeping for longish period (if I'm lucky) but then waking and rampaging around my head. I wish he would go into a coma and die.!! How are you?

HB I couldn't agree more with your comments about those with mental illness understand that we "can't stop crying" when everyone else doesn't. On bad days I always cry in the mornings or have a "top up" early afternoon and they crying does seem to bring some relief except it leaves me washed out and with a headache, but what's that to the horrors of depression. SO no one else (other than a couple of close women friends) have seen me in a bad state. But it is like I have a guilty secret and that upsets me. The other one is when I say "I'm so scared" and they say "but what are you scared of" (this was said to me countless times on a psych ward!!) like I was going to say "spiders" or something normal, when for me the scare or fear is because of the way I am feeling. They don't get it and I understand this on one level but nurses on psych wards should be more clued up.

I see your analogy with asthma and its symptoms and absolutely agree, but don't quite understand why it makes you feel better that you don't just accept that you have depression,and made you not want to put up with its symptoms. Does it help to do that? I suppose I am more of a mind to try to accept the depression and its horrid symptoms because it's such a big part of my life, that I can't do anything else.

Couldn't agree more that this is a safe place to say what we want because we are so fed up of people not understanding. I have a problem with my adult sons - they know of course but don't understand it and seem embarrassed on the rare occasions I say anyhting. I don't expect them to understand it because I firmly believe that this is something that no one can understand unless they have personal experience of it. That goes for all the medics and psychologists too for me.

Yes my CPN used to talk about mindfullness and I think there are some courses on it near here, and they teach meditation too, which I think would be good for people like us.

Glad you still have a shiny sink!!!

I just find it really hard to say to someone in rl "I physically can't get out of bed". I just sounds so stupid. It's not as though I'm chained to the bed is it?

Anyway my day. As you know didn't sleep too well, but I managed to stay out of bed till 10. Got my dishwasher unloaded and loaded so pleased about that. Got some rubbish bagged up so pleased about that.

Although I was in bed I didn't even settle to sleep until 1ish so pleased about that. But then I struggled to get to sleep. I can't even sleep know the day let alone at night now. I did have an hour tho. When I woke up I was dripping with sweat. I don't feel well. I have a productive cough although I think that's from irritation from last nights choking. I am also going to the loo a lot so also wonder uti. ..or. am I just run down?

Didn't ring tutor. Cant talk for long before getting breathless and wheezy but need to do something about that tomorrow.

DTDs came home all happy and buoyant so that was good especially after I couldn't tolerate them yesterday. Then I picked dd3 up and she was driving me to distraction within 10mins. It is not like her but she is whiney and clingy.

Text a neighbour yesterday with a subtle 'please keep an eye on me because I'm struggling to cope' message. Not a direct request but she got the hint and is checking up on me by text regularly. She also has dd3 again.

Right now I'm going to vacuum whilst my floor is pretty clear. I'm also going to empty dishwasher and try and get pots washed and kitchen straight.

Glad to hear the helles and Nina are on a positive at the mo. It definitely helps me to have the voice of sanity and reason to fall back on as well as the voice of I've had a crap day too.

Hope the car has had a good MOT Vicar.

Ed I know exactly what you mean about this not being able to get out of bed thing, and no we're not chained to it, or paralysed, although I think we are emotionally paralysed and for me staying in bed is less emotionally painful and passes more of the day away. No one without depression will understand this.

When you say you stayed up till 10.00 do you mean this morning, and are you then back in bed and getting a bit of sleep but have to wake to meet your youngest. That's no good really is it because it must be on your mind that you have to get up and get to school. Sounds like you are a bit physically unwell too - lemsips and early night? Does your depression improve at all through the day/evening. It's good you have a good neighbour to watch out for you.

Erm I'm not actually on a positive Ed I woke feeling crap (HM on the rampage) and I cried for quite a while, and forced myself out of bed at 1.30 and then had a "top up" cry on DPs shoulder. I do usually improve as the day goes by, and evening are usually bearable. It's hard to keep up with who is having a crap day isn't it as we are all so up and down. Mind that helps me to know that it isn't only me (not that I wish suffering on others) but you know what I mean.

Hope you have a peaceful evening and a few more zzzzzzzzz's tonight.

So sorry. I've just read back and saw that you'd had a good 2 days and the rest of the sentence went in my mush and out again. So sorry.

My weekdays usually consist of:

Get up about 7.30. Encourage dcs round get dressed.
Take dcs to either their dads or breakfast club.
go back to bed do whatever for the day
DTDs make their own way home for about 4 so I usually make sure I'm out of bed by then
Collect dd3 from after school club about 5
I'm then usually active and tidying and stuff.
Dd3 bedtime is getting a bit sloppy depending how motivated I am to get her to bed on time.
If I'm in a shit mood DTDs go to bed early. If I'm not they'll stay up but I don't necessarily get any me time which I think needs addressing.

Right...DTDs are now winding me up irrationally. They aren't doing anything bad but they're voice is just really painfully irritating at the mo.
I'

There is in fact a symptom called 'leaden paralysis' - in stuff I've read it is associated with bipolar depression, but I think it might well be linked to any sort of depression. I know the feeling, you send the signal 'move' and my body even moves a tiny bit - but then you just can't.

Still not getting going in the day, think I have too much lined up to do (all self-inflicted!) and have overwhelmed self. Car is in garage, we have 6 in of snow, walked to shop for fags, then realised on way back will have to dig out drive as friend arriving tomorrow. In fact I was going to do it this afternoon but somehow didn't, so it will have to be tomorrow. At least I have ox-tail stew cooking atm, which will be tomorrow's meal.

Dd3 has been home 10mins and I am almost ready to blow my stack.

Arrrrggggghhhh

Can't stand noise when I am at my worst, hang in there ed, tis relentless with kids...

I think what I meant was...

Medical people and others in the know kept saying to me "you shouldn't be embarrassed because it's an illness like any other" I started to accept that and to think about how much it had helped me to find out how many peopleI liked and admired had also had depression.

One day, but I think it had been sneaking up for a while, I thought, well I don't just think to myself "I'm asthmatic, I can't do this or I can't do that" or "that'll be too hard, I don't think I can do it, I'm so worried about it" just because I have arthritis. I do breathing exercises, use my inhalers, avoid triggers, etc for my asthma. So I should do the same for my depression. That's why I have a long list of things that make my depression worse - because I've been studying it to reduce its impact on my life. Equally, when I am wheezy, I don't think I won't do anything (as I have many times with depression - retreating to my duvet/cave), I do what I can and remind myself that I've done well.

The more I gave in to my depression, the more it took from me. The more I hid, the more I wanted to hide. The more sugary foods I ate for energy, the more I wanted to eat.

It was just about taking back control really. I don't like anything that tells me what to do (hardly surprising given how bossy I am!!) so I'm not putting up with a chemical imbalance running my life. And it has brought me many positives: a better understanding of myself and others, not self-medicating with alcohol and cigarettes, an understanding that, while there are many times when I can't put myself first, I can and should put myself equal. That was new news to me.

Ed, I don't know if this will work for you but, when I'm about to blow up at ds, I quite often overblow on purpose. So instead of sniping at him I will let out my biggest roar and growl "YOUNG MAN! YOU ARE DOING MY HEAD IN! I AM GOING TO CHOP OF YOUR HEAD AND FEED IT TO A DRAGON AND WHEN THE DRAGON POOS OUT YOUR HEAD I WILL FEED IT TO A SNAKE AND WHEN THE SNAKE POOS OUT YOUR HEAD..." you get the idea. Basically, I keep going til I make myself laugh. It makes him laugh too because he thinks I'm joking!

(little wave to all)

This thread is tremendous. The fact that people are posting about how they feel and how they are coping is what I do find helpful. As HB and NN explain, you do not have to explain how it really feels and you also are not alone in feeling this way. I am one of life's optimists and as much as I really do not appreciate how I feel, I can now understand a bit more what some mental health problems feel like. So many know the symptoms but being in it is different. Ed, I get the same about noise. My husband consigns me to the potting shed sometimes to get some peace and quiet. I do feel a bit of guilt about this around DD sometimes; she is a non-stop chatterbox. A very happy one luckily (but maybe a bit too noisy!).

I went and did some hours of volunteering today. It helps me feel useful, gets me out of the house and brings me into contact with people in a pseudo-work based environment (self-help therapy of sorts I figured). And I will shortly go and find DD from the school bus shortly. It is a bitter cold day here too.

Yesterday I had a bit of a blip but a friend was very helpful in setting me on the path again and gently nudging me along. Leaden paralysis just about describes how I feel about a lot of things. Getting things started seems beyond a trial if this makes sense but once they are done I wonder what the fuss was about.

Not feeling very energetic but looking forward to my new read from the library.

That's a great post Mama: update on how you are, sympathy for others and a couple of self-help tips. Pretty much sums up a good day post from any of us

Glad you find our inane mutterings helpful

evening all

nana i think you asked if AS was my DS only diagnosis - the answer is no - he has aspergers, dyspraxia and dyslexia, although he is 21 he operates with the maturity of a teen, probably around the age of 15. He has only been living out at uni for less than one year - his first 2 years he lived at home but his last year he has had to move out due to his 3rd year being at a different uni....its all very complicated and i thought with support he would manage. He is supposed to be supported by the disability team but he had dropped off the radar a bit and they let him...

The problem i have with him is that he has all the rights of an adult (which means the right to get into debt) i have up until now had no control (and im waiting with baited breath to see if he will in fact let me take guardianship of his bank account) the last few years he has been very trying just as i thought things might get easier - but i realise that DS is very much a full time job on top of the full time job.

My lovely friend picked me up this morning after i left the car for its MOT and we went for a cuppa back at mine - she has really helped me this last few days. We had a mutual whinge about how we are the warrior women in our homes and our DHs are happy to sit back, she also helped me realise that this is probably going to happen again, and that i need to stop being so shocked and upset when it happens - (with DS) and that i need to change how i deal with it mentally.

I have also had another lovely few PMs from my mumsnet pal with sage advice and wise words.

Today i had to get up and get dressed - i had a crap night, but i got up at 6.30 with DD. I knew my friend was coming so i tidied and hoovered and then took the car (miraculously it passed and yet - somehow - its still cost me £105 - it needed new coolant and new battery....) cant risk not having the car so paid it (i do believe them it just peeves me that even when the bloody thing passes it still costs!)

I then emailed DS with a "script" for phoning the bank tomorrow.

i have today also dug out all my old job applications. I have looked at them. I have looked at how much i had to go through to get this job - the paper trail, the hoops, the diploma, i have a cupboard full of paperwork and all my assessments and tests.....i worked bloody hard and its a huge disappointment really. Its not a safe job to do - you are so at risk all the time and no one has your back....its very much everyman for himself (and i work with bullies and men who think women shouldnt do the job anyway) and a supervisor who is next to sodding useless. The stark reality was brought home to me just before i went off sick when a colleague on a different shift was severely injured after being sent to a full blown pub fight alone with no back up....he couldnt even press the emergency button as he was busy getting hit over the head with a sharp object....that could be me if i go back. i dont think its worth it.

anyway.
I have at least taken stock and DH has had a look on the jobcentre web site for me....there was nothing but at least we looked.

tomorrow i am going to give myself a day off. If i want or need to go back to bed i will.

i totally get the leaden paralysis thing - bed is so so safe and so easy. Im finding im able to do more if i allow myself those off days and dont feel bad about them.

im at Occupational health on Thursday. ( i know ive said that about 100 times already) No idea what that will bring but i will go and show willing (its a long drive from here) - i am however going to be honest about everything. the way i feel about the job, the danger i feel we are needlessly placed in due to lack of staffing and crap management and the fact i have discovered i cant actually do the job full time and still deal with everything else at home without damaging my health. something is going to have to give - so its up to them now to either facilitate my return in the way and a role i can manage or its going to be time to really focus on something else.

right - thats my epic thoughts for the day. Trying to do one day at a time. and the thread is really helpful for me to collect my thoughts, put them somewhere when i cant speak them and the solidarity on here is a huge comfort. There are very few people in RL i could explain any of this to.
thank you everyone for the continued support, the boot up the bum when i need it and for the understanding when i need it.

(((()))

putting off tomorrow by still sitting on sofa. don't know why...

see this is where we all come in handy
you get us out of bed
we get you into it!

get thee to bed dear helles or you will be tired when you get up for work tomorrow.
go on. get up, get moving, lights off, take a book if your not sleepy but go and settle into bed, its just the effort of moving thats stopping you....tomorrow is going to come anyway so you might as well rest.

off you pop.
goodnight.

im off soon too....x

Oh how I recognise that inertia and longing to hibernate under the safety of bed
it is the only safe place when we feel under siege . An escape from noise and a warning to others that you can only be disturbed when important [at least in my mind anyway ]

Wish I had wise words. My illness waxes and wanes so all I can say is keep walking and breathing ......keep posting .........keep believing that this will pass .
It does . And if it comes back then you have the knowledge that it will pass again.That sounds bollocks I know . But tis the truth .
love to you all that struggle tonight . I am on your shoulder supporting that load with you .

Vicar .....absolutely tell Occupational Health the truth . Been thinking and maybe Control Room or Neighbourhood Beat Team can be an option ? more regular hours maybe ? Your skills and empathy could do so much good . Dont write off police yet my lovely . Wait and see . My son is in the force and if you need some confidential support and advice pm me .

sleep well ladies ....this is so good to talk .

just as well you're all up so late! think I have leaden inertia

you worded that so nicely basset

Lol!

I'm chilled now dcs are in bed :)

Had a nice chat to friend who made me realise...no ACKNOWLEDGE that I am stressed at uni and that shit not the dcs, they are just in the wrong place at the wrong time. She is also concerned that the dcs aren't helping me....practically or emotionally. They don't know what's going on so it's really hard to get them on board in a persistent manner. She's had words discreetly (about just picking up shoes etc. Type stuff and doing as I ask first time etc.). Having said the dcs were quite concerned last night when and after I had my choking episode and they have had moments of helpfulness (DTD1 cooked my tea of frozen close chips and tinned chilli; DTD2 too fetched me wine).

I've lost another post this evening but that's no bad thing...just me wittering on.

Glad the car passed vicar. Just think it would have cost even more if it hadn't.

You sound as tho you are moving towards a decision. Do you feel any better for that? Or do you just feel in an even more uncontrollable limbo?

Feeling concerned that helles expects us molto post self help tips with every post...I guess I had better either leave the thread now or hope she has a poor memory...so my words of inspiration...stay strong...one foot in front of the other...keep plodding :o

Night all. Hugs to all. Day out for me tomorrow.

Ah I didn't realise you actually had asthma HB I thought you were just using it as an analogy as to how differently we feel about physical illness and mental illness. It's interesting that you say you have a long list of things that make your depression worse. I can't really think of anything because the headmonster just seems to come and go as he pleases. I do get anxiety especially about our Ireland trips to see grandchildren as these are the only things I have to plan ahead because o flights. Can you say what sort of things make your depression worse?

I like the idea of you controlling the depression rather than the other way round and it would have been music to the ears of my CPN. Can you give any examples of what you do to stay in control of your depression. Sorry I am bombarding you with questions. I can think "right I'm not letting the next bad day(s) get me down" when I am feeling like "me" but when the bad days come, I can't put it into practice. You seem to be advocating doing things even when we don't want to as this makes us worse..........?

mama glad you like the thread. Do you suffer from depression or another type of mental illness.

Vicar I did wonder if your son had more problems. I used to think dyspraxia was justbeing clumsy but it's far more than that isn't it. My friend's grand daughter is suspected of having it but she's only 2 so don't think they could diagnose at such a young age, and she seems fine to me. So glad you have a good RL friend and some PMs fromMNs - they do help don't they.

I think you're right when you say your son is a full time job in himself and I recall you saying how glad you were he was going back to Uni as you got so irritated with him at home. It must be so much more difficult to cope with your son now that there is this gap between his chronological age and his emotional age. Do you think he is functioning as a 15 year old, or younger maybe. Have you ever had any help with your son from social services or the NHS. He should surely qualify for support from the Adults with LDs team in social services.

You sound like you've sorted quite a few things today so hope you are pleased with all that. Also the way you spoke of you coming appt with Occy Health - you sounded very sorted about what you were going to say, and appropriately assertive, and I think handing the problem back to them is a good idea. SO I reckon you are ok (ish) Incidentally FWIW I think you are "washed up" with the police and the macho culture and it's time to look elsewhere, though I know jobs are not easy to come by. Could you manage on your DH's money. Incidentally is your son getting any allowances to which he is entitled, although I know this bloody govt is busy taking DLA away from people.

Well I'm gearing myself up for another bad day tomorrow, as I never just have one day on it's own.........arrrrrrrrgh!