y so low :'(

[PainForLife]

I've been so angry & frustrated today plus feeling so Damn low :( just want to cry....

I dnt know if it's the weather change & the darkness outside making me feel this way or my depression!

I've been eating aother of sugary things today bcos of it & havehad a headache all day

can the weather really be the cause of me feeling this way ???

There is a poster on MN called OhYouBadBadKitten. She might know.
You could go on a weather thread that she is or has been on and ask her. She wont mind being asked.

thanks I'll do that!

just ate a tub of cream n about to attack the tin of Celebrations... funny as there is nothing to celebrate!!!

good thing I've still got some laxatives as I'll need to have some of them tonight after bingin.

PFL you mention "my" depression which suggest that you have suffered in the past? I think you can be "fed up" with the miserable weather and dark nights, but in my opinion that's very different from feeling depressed. I don't think you would feel like crying because of the weather, but I think you will need to wait and see how things pan out over the next week or so.

You mention binging and laxatives - do you have an eating disorder and if so are you having any help with that?

i know how you feel hun i suffer with this illness too and i feel like crap everything is getting me down and it is really dragging me down,i cant sleep have no motivation and just want to curl up into a ball and cry ,i hate it i want it to go away ,i want to do things in my life and this is just stopping me all the time .i have even rang healthy minds today to try and get this sorted as i don't think like i can deal with this much longer it's driving me crazy and really getting a hold on me (normaly i fight against it )but i just havn't got the energy to do it this time and i don't know why .sorry everyone if i have put you on a downer .

C&MsMum so sorry you are having such a crap time. I know the torment of depression (2 severe episodes) both times 3 months on psych ward, but 15 years apart. Made full recovery from 1st one but 2nd one 2 yrs ago - haven't mad a full recovery and now the dep/anx is intermittent - comes and goes as it likes - I think it controls me! I can be fine for weeks even months and then I plummet for anything from 2 to 15 days and I can't function at all - cry a lot and don't want to face the day. I am fortunate as am retired and have supportive DP and a couple of good women friends, but my thoughts hover around suicide at these bad times. I take ADs and they have helped because just before I went into hospital 2 years ago I was rock bottom and had stopped taking the ADs. I am now on twice the dose I was before but I don't care as they don't seem to have side effects.

I don't care for internet "diagnosis" but it does sound from your post that your depression would probably be seen by a GP as moderate, and you would be asked if you would take ADs. I don't know,maybe you've been down that route, but if you haven't I really really urge you to see your GP. You can't fight this illness or "get it sorted" when it is so bad - you need help. The longer you go before seeing a GP the worse it will get I think.

ADs as you probably know are not a magic bullet but they really do lift your mood and provide some relief. The thing is that it is "trial and error" because what AD suits one person, doesn't suit another, and some people have to try more than one. Also they take 2/3 weeks to "kick in" - they do have side effects on some people (as do all drugs) but these are usually short lived. Sometimes you can actually feel worse for a while when you start taking them and this is normal, but many many people get their life back when on ADs. I am on them of course and in spite of my "ups and downs" now I know they have helped me enormously. SO I really think youshould see your GP asap.

Incidentally do you know the roots of your depression? I'm not asking you to tell me but sometimes if you know the roots you need counselling as well as ADs.

Thinking of you - this is one horrendous illness and no one can understand it unless they have personal experience, and sadly there is still a stigma attached to mental illness.

thank you so much for your concern NN i have tried ads and they made me feel worse and suicidal i took them for a year but felt that i wasn.t in control .my gp once said that he thought i was verging bipolar but has now changed his mind.the good thing is i now know when a episode is coming on and i try to contain it but as i said before this one isn't shifting ,it is so good to know that other people feel like this because it makes you feel so lonely so thank you for that NN,i do know the roots of my depression and have been through counselling with rsvp and it helped a little but at the moment i am feeling that nothing is going to take this away EVER so i just need to get a grip on it not only for my sake but for my childrens too because so far i have pretty much hid it away from them by pretending to be this bubbly person(the person i used to be)i think that since i got help for this illness it has made me worse.about the stigma thing i have some really good friends and they just think i am mad which hurts sometimes and i don't think i am taken seriously. I have gone through some really awfull things in my life but that is never going to go away so i really do need to sort this out because the way i am feeling isn.t good if you know what i mean .thank you so much for your advice NN.

PainForLife, how are you feeling today?

Do you want to talk a bit about other things, including maybe a possible eating disorder.

ps NN hope you are feeling ok at the moment .

hi ladies sorry wasn't ignoring u all just had a horrible few days.... was in a&e with brother on weds as he dislocated his shoulder mid sleep at 5am & all day y'day my DD (2 1/2 years old) was vomiting she has d bug.... so I've been really out of sorts....

I take AD's & have been for 3 years now it's d only thing dat helps.... about a year ago had a really bad episode & took loads of pills & was hospitalized for a day (nothing really came of it) since then I have been trying not to get to that space but finding it v.hard at the moment... feel as if I could explode at times!!!

I've been through horrendous stuff in the past 3 years & have had counselling for it which I had to stop as I cudnt get to the sessions.... my disability took over. so I know the roots of my depression.

there is one root problem I've not discussed with any1 fRom my childhood.... all I do is cry when I think about it & tbh I've just blocked it from memory but I think I need to speak about it now maybe but I dnt know at the same time I'm just confused :(

the weather has definitely been effecti.ng me as at night I feel lyk I just wanna scream out loud... someone mentioned SAD (Season effective disorder). oh in I get regular injections for vitD every 3 month's as it's severely low :(

Hi PforL - glad you are on ADs especially as they seem to help, even though you are having a bad time at the moment. Does your depression go "up and down" - mine certainly does and when the bad days come I can't function at all and want to hide myself away from everything and anybody, except my DP and a couple of close women friends.

Did the counselling for the traumas that you have suffered over the past 3 years help in any way at all. When you say you couldn't get to the sessions because of your disability, do you mean that you didn't feel able to go any more because you were so low, or do you have a physical disability I wonder.

I suspect that I know what the buried trauma from childhood is about and there are many many MNs with the same problem, who also try to block it out but it keeps coming back up and hitting them on the head when they're not looking.

Is it ok for me to PM you

NN

of course u can PM me NN I think I probably could do with a helping hand in the right direction with it :(

my disability is physical - I'm housebound only get out to appt's! the depression of course adds to it.

binging/laxatives seems to be new as I just wanna empty my stomach as soon as I've eaten! I was given them by my G.P as due to being on tramadol for pain relief I've been getting constipated... somehow I've gotten myself into a weird routine with em ...

Oh PforL I have just spent over half an hour sending you a long PM post and it has disappeared.......aaaaaaaargh. This sometimes happens with MN. I will do it again tomorrow as don't have time now.

Ah it did get sent - me getting mixed up!

NN got ur PM & replied - thanks for your kind words...

cornoranomaliesmum hw r u doin? I've just spent the last hour screaming nonsense at my family & now just sitting here crying my eyes out!!!

when will this stop??? any idea???

y do ppl say the most hurtful things then apologise an hour later & then complain that ur shutting them out by not talking to them bcos all u can do is think about the nasty words used against u & cry!!!

dnt call me a fat piece of lard & tell me to lose weight then..... no wonder I have a f***g eating problem where I want to get rid of almost what I have eaten straightaway!!!

I wish I was dead right now.... useless mother, useless daughter, useless sister, was a useless wife so I myt as well be dead as I cant walk, cant wash myself, can't cook for myself, can't luk after my only child.....

hiya PFL.sorry havn't been on have been ill ,don't sond like you are feeling too good at the mo ,your not useless you just feel like this at the moment ,just think about you child and how they would feel without you around .A GOOD CRY DON'T HURT ANYONE and often helps me hope you are ok and don't do anything stupid please if you feel rubbish just write it all down on here because believe me it helps ........x

hi NN thank you so much for your reply it has helped a lot .hope you rok too .....x

hi both sorry haven't been on here much just had no physical strength... things r darker then ever :( I need help before I do something stupid.... just plucked d courage to write something to samaritans... not gud at speaking so thought writing would be better.....

hope ur both doing ok!

hi pfl hope ur ok i am glad you r trying to get some help for yourself through the samaritans i hope they can help you ,have you been to see your gp about how you are feeling ?

not been to G.P... dnt know y just don't want to speak to him/her....

wrote a long email to samaritans last night just off loaded all I was feeling & I thought it would make me feel better but It hasn't, I still feel d same!

how r u doing?

I know what you mean about not wanting to talk to your gp because i do the same but sometimes you just have to do it for your own good ,I have just put in for some phsyco therapy because of the way i feel about myself and it sounds to me that you might benefit from that too,Did the samaritans get back to you ? I hope they did because i know how horrible it is when you open up and then get no response back and i have tried ringing them b4 but they did't seem to really care ( or maybe the person on the other end didn't understand me ) ,keep your chin up hun and hopefully it will pass the way u r feeling if not you really do need to seek help because it's not good for you ,I have just had to go on medication for hypertension (very high blood pressure) because of my stress levels and was told i was likely to have a stroke or heart attack within the next few years if i don't take them and stop stressing ,so I am now trying to pick myself up again but just keep on falling again ,it's hard to do that but our health matters .so i am going to try and think posative and i hope you can do that to hun.hope you feel better soon .x

hiya, actually samaritans were ok they wrote back but like u said it wasn't really much help....

so sorry to hear bt ur B.P - I know easier said then done but ur on the right path with the positive thinking. for me that will take some time to happen bit I hope It will soon enough.

I might have no choice but to go back to G.P I've been feeling nauseous n dizzy today wwith my medication so I think it may need changing!

keep ur spirits up hun ur doing great :)

hiya pfl hope you had a lovely christmas ,did you get your medication changed and if so i hope it has made you feel better.You seem to sound a lot better at the moment so maybe that positive thinking is working for both of us .Like i keep drumming into myself a new year and time for change !!! happy new year hun and all the best for 2013 :)

hiya :)
Christmas & new year was busy! had its up and downs but mostly manageable as the AD's started to work properly (same dose mind). not sure what happened but it was quite random. still trying the positive thinking and it works sometimes. last week was pretty bad & every1 had the winter vomiting bug thing so was exhausting!

A VERY HAPPY NEW YEAR TO YOU TOO & I hope it brings only the best for you :)